8. Bel
It”s been a couple of days, but Drew”s words and rough touch have stuck with me. Branding me with their memory. I hate that he knows how to awaken all the dormant places in my body and knows exactly what to do to leave me begging for more.
Why is he doing this to me, sparking my desire for him all over again?
I promised myself he wouldn”t pull me back in.
I stop brushing my hair and throw the brush at the bathroom counter, where it clatters and bounces into the sink.
Damn him for doing this to me. If he thinks I”ll go back to being the meek little wallflower bending to his every whim, he’ll be in for one hell of a surprise. The day I lost my mom… I lost a little piece of myself. I swear it died right along with her, and something else bloomed in that spot. Something different, wild, something that would never be taken advantage of again.
Growing sick of myself, I gather my hair up into a messy knot on top of my head and leave the confines of my bedroom to hunt Sebastian down. He spends the majority of his time in the study that used to be his—our—grandfather’s. Not that I would know much about him. Seb isn”t exactly forthcoming with information. I get the eerie feeling he’s trying to protect me from something bigger.
Just as I expect, I find him in the study, a mug of coffee on the leather desk blotter, his feet thrown up on the edge of the massive mahogany desk.
The room looks stately. Shelves line both sides of the room, a massive fireplace near the door, and windows on the opposite wall. The space is too dark and formal for me.
How can someone relax long enough to work in here?
I cringe, realizing at the last moment that I’ve spoken the words out loud.
Seb glances up and smirks. ”No one relaxes here. This room is mostly for show. Hell, some of these books haven”t even been cracked open.”
I give a little sigh and shuffle to the nearest shelf, the hardwood warm under my sock-covered feet. Classics, lots of classics, with a few law books mixed in. Interesting. I tug on a copy of Twenty Thousand Leagues and smell the edge of the case. It reminds me of the school library, and the scent comforts me the same way I feel when I go there.
I gently peel open the cover, and the pages stick straight up, signifying that this one has never been opened. How sad.
I look from the book to Seb, who is watching me curiously, his feet now on the floor, his shoulders hunched as he braces his elbows on his knees.
”Did you need something?”
Is it too weird that I just want someone to talk to? Someone to help me figure things out? I tuck the book back in its spot and turn to face the desk.
”I need to know the truth. Am I Drew”s sister?”
Seb huffs out a breath and rubs at his eyes.
“Do I personally think he’s your brother? No.”
I fold myself into the chair in front of the desk and stare at him, afraid that if I look away for even a moment, his response might be missed.
”Do you know more than you”ve told me? About my father? Or about yours?”
Despite our time together, I still can”t really read him. His face is doing that I”m a grumpy hot boy thing that it usually does. All I can manage to do is frown. While it’s wonderful to have a sibling and someone to talk to, that only works if they respond. He of course says nothing.
”Cool. Glad we are sharing.”
He blinks, and his mouth shifts to something that looks a lot like a grin. ”I”ll share what I can when I can, but I promise, I”m not willfully keeping things from you.” There”s a pause, and he ducks his chin. ”Can you...would you be able to tell me more about what our mom was like?”
I won’t lie. My heart swells a little in my chest. Since I miss talking to her so much, Mom’s never far from my mind. I think the easiest way to keep someone’s memory alive even after they pass is to talk about them.
His green eyes mirror my own, and in some ways, it’s like looking at my own reflection. Every twitch reminds me that he”s trying to keep his emotions in check, and right now, he”s doing a terrible job at it. Not that I”m going to hold it against him. I feel like Sebastian has grown more vulnerable with me in many ways. I see sides of him no one else does, or at least not that I’ve seen, and that makes me want to get closer. It makes me want to build on our connection.
”She had a way of making everything okay. Not enough butter to make cookies, so use water and create a new recipe for our recipe notebook. Not enough money for new school clothes, so go to Goodwill and get double the haul. It was like no matter what the obstacle or problem was, she found a way to make it better. With nothing more than a smile and a hug, she made life easier. It’s funny, no matter how poor we were or how much we struggled, I always knew we’d have each other.” My voice cracks, emotion ripping through the words. I blink back tears, reminding myself that I don’t need to cry every time I talk about her.
Sebastian’s throat bobs as he swallows, and his eyes are trained on his hands. I scan his features, and I can see her there so easily now that I know to look for it. Her nose, and the freckles you can barely see that grace his forehead and the bridge of his nose.
I continue when he doesn’t say anything. ”I don”t mind talking about her. It hurts, of course, but I feel like the day I stop talking about her is the day her memory fades away.”
The urge to ask him a question in return about the family he grew up with, about the family who obviously wasn”t the same as my mom, even though she might have come from them, sits on the tip of my tongue.
Regardless of my curiosity, I know I’m not ready. A tiny part of me wants to hold on to the image I have of my mother because I know when he starts to tell me things about our family, my thoughts will change, my feelings will get involved, and I don’t ever want to see her in a different way.
And while I don’t want to admit it out loud, I’m afraid of our family name and what it means. The respect it demands, the violence and blood it holds. I know very little, but I’m not naive enough to think that our family name was built on wholesome ventures. Sebastian’s thrown himself into the family business like he has something to prove, and that terrifies me. With Sebastian keeping company like Drew’s family, it’s clear whatever we’re involved in circles around danger, secrets, and violence.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be silent. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around. I’m a logical person, my decisions are fact based, and I’m struggling with my anger and regret. There’s nothing I can do to change what happened. I can’t bring her back, and it kills me. I wish I had more time. I wish I could ask her all the questions… I wish for so much.”
My heart breaks for him because while my life with our mother was nothing short of a struggle, it was overflowing with love and warmth. Two things Sebastian clearly had very little of in his upbringing.
I don’t know what makes me do it. Maybe he needs to know I’m here and that he’s not alone in his struggle. I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. I lean forward and place my hand on his. It’s nothing more than a caress, but it’s enough of a reminder that I’m here for him and for him to look up at me.
His green eyes are misty, and I look away, acting like I don’t see the tears forming there. Something tells me he wouldn’t want me to comment on his emotions.
“It’s okay to feel the way you do. Everyone grieves in their own way, and I can”t even imagine how much her loss hurts you. You’d just found out who your mother was and then…” I can’t even finish the sentence, its weight pressing down on my chest and making it difficult to breathe or even speak. I give his hand a tiny squeeze, then release it.
The silence surrounding us becomes deafening, and I shoot a wistful glance over the shelves of books. Anything to distract me from his painful expression. He breaks the silence first with a throat clear.
”Do you really want to see him?”
Him. He doesn’t have to say his name. It’s engraved in every cell of my body. The spotlight is back on me, and I don’t like it. I shift in the chair anxiously. I haven”t really wrapped my head around my feelings for Drew. Yes, they’re still there, and I’d be a liar if I said they weren’t, but they’re caked in tears, regret, and anger.
I’m propelled back to the scene he walked in on in the library, and the burn of embarrassment blooms in my cheeks without permission.
”It’s complicated. I don’t really care to see him…”
He slings his feet back up onto the edge of the desk, the rubber soles leaving scuff marks, which he seems completely unconcerned with. Like it”s one last rebellion against his grandfather.
He waits for an explanation with one eyebrow cocked. The emotional turmoil from minutes ago has disappeared completely. How does he do that? Turn off his feelings so easily?
I shrug. “I don’t know… What is it you want me to say?” I try not to sound as defensive as I feel, but I can’t help it. I know Sebastian is angry with Drew, and rightfully so, as am I… but they’re best friends. They grew up together. Part of me wonders how he can so easily jump ship after all they’ve been through.
”Well, for starters, it would be great if you said, ‘Please, brother, go ahead and murder him.’”
I let out a sigh. ”Sorry, but I’ll never say that. I want to hate him. I really do. And part of me does. The heartache is still so fresh sometimes it’s like he’s breaking my heart all over again just being in his presence. I just...it”s hard to erase all the feelings in a month. Especially when he”s so...” I meet his eyes, not willing to finish that sentence.
I don’t have to explain. If anyone understands the extreme behaviors and psychopathic tendencies of Drew, it would be Seb. Something tells me he’s got his own sick and twisted problems. He just does a better job of concealing them.
”I can’t stop thinking about what his dad said that night. I need to know the truth, and that means I can’t exile Drew out of my life, not completely.”
”The truth?” Seb snaps, but there”s no real heat in his eyes, only his tone.
”Yeah, about the sister thing. No offense, but I can only take your word for something so long. I get that you don’t think it’s anything, but I’ve learned a couple of things in the past month, and one of those things is that sometimes other people know more than you do. I’d feel better talking to him and finding out for myself. Who knows, maybe he knows something we don’t.”
Seb drums his fingers on the heavy wood desk. ”What he knows is how to manipulate people so that he can get whatever he wants. It”s what his father taught him, and he”s really fucking good at it. He knew exactly what to say to draw you into his web. Then when he had you right where he wanted you, he pounced, leaving you without a way to escape. I mean, look at you now. Even after everything, you still let him touch you.”
I already know these things. Drew likes to play games, draw me in and push me away. It’s always been a cat-and-mouse game with him. It wouldn’t be out of character for him to tell me something and give me just enough information each time to keep me crawling back to him. But would he really do that? After everything?
Fuck, am I that predictable?
I know the answer the second Seb sees my realization. ”I know it’s difficult, and you don’t have to admit it out loud, but you know I’m right. He’ll tell you anything you want to hear so long as you continue playing his game.”
I roll my eyes because while this is my brother, and I feel enough of a connection to trust him, he’s no different than Drew. ”I might look delicate and naive, but I’m far from it. You’re my brother, and you can’t make me believe you wouldn’t do the same thing. If a person is motivated enough, they’ll do anything to stay in control. So while you’re painting him as the villain in all this, I know it wouldn’t take more than a little persuasion for you to do something similar. Don’t even try to deny it. You don”t want me to see him, even if I want to.”
He slaps his hand on the desk this time. A crack resembling thunder resonates through the room, and I jolt forward in my seat. In all the time I’ve been living here, which isn’t long but definitely long enough to see someone”s personality, Sebastian hasn’t ever reacted in anger, at least not toward me.
This is new and, dare I admit, a little scary.
”There’s a fucking difference, Bel. I want to keep you safe, but you”re making it so damn difficult.”
I cross my arms over my chest. ”You can”t just lock me inside my room and throw away the key. I hate to tell you this, but I didn’t come here to exchange one prison for another.”
”This isn’t a prison. You’re free to do whatever you want. All I’m saying is I don”t want you to willingly walk into dangerous situations.”
I scoff. Does he think I’m stupid? Clearly. ”You make it sound like I”m trying to hug a bomb or something.”
Seb drops his feet to the floor once again and leans over the desk, leveling me with a fierce look that likely makes most men tremble. God knows it’s got a similar effect on me. But my pride and refusal to be pushed around are stronger than my fear, and if I’m not letting Drew push me around, I’m not letting Seb do it either, even if he is my brother.
”How do you not see that’s exactly what you’re doing? Anyone from a million miles away could see that Drew’s life is a fucking mess. Then you come along and put yourself right in the middle of all of it. It’s only a matter of time before everything implodes. He”s going down hard, and if you aren’t careful, he”ll take you down with him.”
I lean my head back and rest it against the wood.
Even with my indifference toward Drew lingering at the back of my mind, I’m reminded that he’s also a victim of his father’s wrongdoings. He’s been abused both physically and mentally, and if one thing in life is true, it”s that hurt people always find a way of hurting those they care about.
Still, that doesn’t make what happened okay, and it doesn’t mean I should allow him back into my life. The ball is in my court now, and I have to decide whether I”m capable of accepting him for who he is, the good and the bad, and forgiving him. The old me never stood a chance against Drew, but the new me... She’s fierce and burning with determination for revenge.
This cruel world ripped my petals off, but I’m resilient, and I’m strong enough to stand up to him now. I’m blooming into something deadly, something beautiful. No matter the obstacles, Drew and I will never be able to move forward together if he wants me to remain below him. Queens stand at their king’s side, and I won’t be anything less than that.
”I’m sorry, okay? This isn’t as easy for me to do. I can’t just turn my emotions off. When you fall in l… ” I want to punch myself in the face for almost admitting that out loud. Have I fallen in love with Drew? Yes, and I didn’t find it possible to forget those feelings. They were simply buried beneath everything else, but they were still there.
”Drew is very charismatic when he wants to be. You aren’t the first person to fall for him, and you won’t be the last. Things take a dark turn when that charm doesn’t work anymore. You’re only as useful as your purpose, and you saw what happens when your usefulness runs out. I don’t want that to happen to you again. I don’t want anyone to think they can fuck with you. I need you to be careful and smart. Oh, and I need you to pick out a dress from the stack I’m having delivered. There’s a meeting that we need to attend together soon.”
My curiosity has piqued, and I’m thankful for a topic change. Talking about falling in love with someone with your brother isn’t exactly high on my bucket list.
”A meeting? What kind of meeting?”
”The business type. You”re a member of the Arturo family. I know all of this is new and overwhelming, and while I’ve done my best to take all the pressure off you and keep you in the shadows, you”ll need to know about the family businesses and affairs from time to time. I don’t want to keep you completely out of the loop. This namesake is as much yours as it is mine.”
Oh. Oh shit. Since I”d moved in, he”s been very careful to keep me away from it all. To maintain enough distance from what he”s working on and my existence. I’m not surprised to be having this conversation. I knew we would get to this point eventually.
”Okay, so pick a dress out. Is there anything I need to know to prepare for this meeting?” I try not to appear nervous, but inside, my anxiety is already gnawing at me.
A small chuckle escapes his lips, and that seems to ease some of my tension. ”Do you have to be such a nerd? There’s no homework assignment, Bel. I”ll walk you through anything you might need to know. We’re in this together.”
His phone pings loudly from the other side of the desk, and he snatches it up like it owes him money. I watch as his features pinch together, and his brows turn down as he stares at the screen like he’s trying to solve a puzzle.
“Is everything okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” he questions without looking up from the screen.
I bite my tongue, wanting to point out how both confused and concerned he appears, but I don’t get the chance as his phone rings. He turns away from me, bringing it to his ear and answering it. He speaks in a hushed voice and gives me a small wave before walking through the side door.
Uhhh, okay?
”Perfect,” I mutter and stand to go out the opposite door and back to my suite. “It’s not like we were having a conversation or anything,” I say to myself while walking down the long maze of a hall.
I pause at the entrance of my bedroom. I don’t want to keep locking myself in that room. I wasn’t lying when I told him I didn’t exchange one prison for another. I chew on my bottom lip, considering my options.
Despite Sebastian’s opinion and feelings toward Drew, he can”t answer my questions. And I hope, by now, I’m capable of seeing through Drew’s bullshit games. If anything he’s said in those texts and at the library is true, then he won’t lead me along with some lie. I’m not dumb enough to think he won’t try, though. I know there are no guarantees with him. Up one minute, down the next. There”s no way I can predict his next move.
I tug my phone out of my pocket and scroll to my text message thread with him. I deleted our old chain, as too many memories were attached to it. It feels like a complete contradiction for me to push him away but then go out of my way to meet up with him. This isn’t for anything but answers.
I”m already regretting every swipe of my fingers as I type out the text. There”s a long fall-down-a-hole-drop as I hover my fingers over the send button. I don’t know if I can do this. If I can handle seeing him again so soon.
You’re stronger than you think.
And before I can chicken out, I hit send and wait.
It only takes a few seconds for the dots to show up on the screen and his response to come through.
Me: Meet me tonight, the cabin on The Mill property. I want you to tell me the truth.
Psycho: What time?
I swallow, my stomach churning with anxiety.
Me: 9 p.m.
I think about it a little longer. Do I really want to do this? Meet Drew in a dark cabin, all by myself? It sounds like a terrible start to a horror film.
The pinging of my phone interrupts my thoughts, and I look down at his response. That stupid, annoying part of me that’s suffocated by the anger and pain he caused sparks with life, and that distinct warmth that his presence brought me before trickles in slowly as I read his response back to myself.
Psycho: Unless you plan to walk six miles, grab the four-wheeler at the trailhead. There will be a key in it.
Shit. I forgot how far out it is. My phone chimes again, and the next message almost makes me regret messaging him.
Psycho: I knew I’d be seeing you soon, Flower.
Is it possible he said and did all those horrible things to protect me from his father? Possibly… but how can I ever forgive him? How can I ensure that the next time things get tough, he won’t push me away again and hurt me?
I can’t, and I need to remind myself of that. I need to remember that no matter what, Drew has always been about making himself happy even at the expense of others, and until he shows me otherwise, I’ll play defense, ensuring that I don’t become a casualty in the sick and twisted game of chess he plays.