27. Drew
If she’s trash, then I’m trash as well.
I can barely contain the smile that graces my lips due to Sebastian”s closing remarks. He really knows how to bust my father’s balls, and while I know I’ll be paying the price for this stunt at some point, I enjoy the satisfaction of watching the man who thinks he’s king of all crumble.
Sebastian’s departure inspires a few others to leave, and they each cast disparaging glances toward my father as they walk out. No doubt dear ol’ dad is keeping a tally of each person who follows him. That’s fine though, while he”s busy glaring at all his guests, it gives me the opportunity I need to leave as well and I’m beyond ready to get out of here. The only way I managed to stay this long was because of Bel.
Now that she”s gone, and I’ve already checked on Mom, I can leave.
I weigh my options. I could head back to The Mill for the night, but I didn’t get to have the conversation I wanted to have with Bel. I had hoped to tell her everything, to spill my guts to her, sharing my past and darkest secrets, giving her a way to understand why I’m the way that I am. This fucked-up, psychotic asshole.
My end goal is her. For us to be together, and for there to be no more secrets between us. I want what we had before. I want her to look at me like she used to, like she can’t bear to be away from me, and she can’t wait to see me again.
The night air is cold, and I stuff my hands into my pockets while I wait for the ride app to show up. I need to have this conversation with her and make it clear that I’m ready to move forward.
I already know that Sebastian is going to try to kick me out on my ass, but hopefully Bel will stop him before that happens.
The car finally arrives, and it’s a quick twenty-minute ride over to Sebastian’s place. I have the car stop outside the gate and approach the guard. It wasn”t as hard as I thought it would be when I snuck in the other night, but if I want to make this right and not give Sebastian another reason to kick my ass, I’ll go through the front door.
When the guard waves me in, I start my trek up the driveway. As predicted, Sebastian is waiting at the door, his tie undone, his jacket discarded, and his hair shoved back like he’s been running his fingers through it nonstop. There’s wrinkles of frustration marring his forehead.
”What do you want? It better be fucking good because, believe it or not, I”ve had my fill of Marshalls for the day. I’m tempted to shoot you right where you stand.” I try not to take his disgust personally.
I nod. ”Understandable. My dad is enough for us both.”
He studies me for a long moment, his gaze tense. ”What do you want?”
”To speak to Bel.”
”No.”
I sigh and hold my hands out. It takes everything I have left to say this word. ”Please?”
For a moment, I swear I see the ghost of a smile curve his lips, but when I blink, it’s gone. Fucker. I swear he’s been waiting for this day, to use my fucking one and only weakness against me. Sucks that it has to be his sister.
He takes one step down the entry and looks me dead in the eyes. ”No.”
I ball my hands into fists, ready to storm past him if I need to in order to get to her. Nothing and no one is going to keep me from her. No one. She is mine. All fucking mine. Blood rushes in my ears as I think through my next steps, but then I catch a whiff of her floral scent. My gaze darts to the door, and some of my anger recedes.
”Sebastian,” Bel snaps from the entrance. She”s barefoot and still in that sexy-as-hell dress, but she”s got a cardigan on now, her arms wrapped tight around her middle. ”Don’t be a dick, and stop threatening to shoot people. He came to talk. There’s no harm in that.”
“No harm?” Sebastian snorts, and his gaze ping-pongs between us.
Waves of tension roll off him. He’s not as levelheaded as he usually is. The party wasn”t easy for him, and it’s obvious he’s battling a demon, but he’s not advertising a need for help. In typical Seb fashion, he plans to deal with shit all on his own. “There is never no harm when it comes to inviting a Marshall into your home. Have you forgotten that I’ve known Drew longer than you, and, therefore, I know what he’s capable of?”
“I didn’t come here with malicious intent, Seb. I just want to talk to Bel.” I shake my head, my own frustration mounting.
“What-the fuck-ever.” He sighs and waves me forward, finally giving in.
The weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, but I know more than anyone he’s not ready to share the burden with me. That’s just how he is. He knows I’d help him in a heartbeat, but I can’t do a damn thing if he doesn’t tell me shit.
“I’m not here to fight,” I confirm again, but my word does nothing to ease the tension.
“Just get the fuck inside, and say what you need to say,” he sneers at me, and when I start to walk away, he speaks again. “This is my only warning to you, Drew. If you hurt one fucking hair on her head, I will spill your blood on the marble, and no one will be able to stop me, not even Bel.”
“Sebastian!” Bel scolds. “Stop it.”
“And I’d happily let you do it if I fucked up again, but I won’t.”
Sebastian rolls his eyes, and once again, he waves his hand forward, a mock of impatience following his movement. I stand tall and climb the steps walking right past him, and into the house. Bel lets out a sigh of relief, and I give her a smile in return. The last thing I want to do is fight with Sebastian, but I’ll cross any bridge and break any rule to keep Bel in my life.
“Let’s go upstairs and talk,” Bel says.
I nod, following her when she swivels around and heads for the stairs. I try not to watch her perfect ass as she walks up the steps, but depriving myself of her is killing me slowly. My cock is as stiff as a board, and I have to remind myself that I came here to talk to her, not fuck her.
At the top of the stairs is a long hall, and we walk until we reach her room. She has no idea that I know exactly where I’m going, and that I spent one too many nights in this house, hiding from my father’s rage. Once inside, she plops down on the bed and shifts her feet up to sit cross-legged.
”He shouldn’t have threatened you like that. I don’t know what’s going on. He”s worried about stuff, things he”s not telling me, and then you saw what happened at the party.” Bel frowns.
I nod. ”Yeah, that’s his MO. When things get tough, he prefers to lock down and turn in on himself. Not that we’ve been talking a lot or even close as of lately, so I wouldn’t have a clue what is going on in his head, but I can guarantee it has nothing to do with you if that’s what you were thinking?”
She shakes her head. “No, I just worry about him. Taking over the family business isn’t easy I assume, and he doesn’t share anything with me about it. Only what I need to know. I think he’s trying to protect me, to limit my association with the bad. I don’t know.”
Her concern and love for Seb makes me rage with jealousy, but it also makes my heart swell. I hate the idea of having to share her with her brother, but it can’t be helped. If she loves him, then she does, and I’ll do anything to keep her happy.
Even share her with my best friend, who currently hates me.
“If it helps, you’re the first person in his life who he seems to give a shit about. The one person he seems to care for other than himself, and that’s saying a lot because Sebastian can be one selfish prick when the occasion calls for it.”
“I know someone else who can be rather selfish too.” Bel looks up at me, her green eyes twinkling. Fuck, I swear I come in my pants a little bit. “Anyway, what did you want to talk about?” Her voice is soft. ”Must be serious if you came through the front door instead of sneaking through the window.”
I unbutton the top button on my shirt and lean forward to brace my elbows on my knees. Talking about this is necessary, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.
“As you know, my father is a grade A asshole.”
She huffs. ”Tell me something I don’t know.”
I let out a long exhale and stare at my shoes, the serious turn of this conversation makes me unable to look at her. ”No, I really mean it. He”s really an asshole. I don”t even know when the beatings started. When I think back on things, I can’t remember a time when he didn’t hit me. One day, he shucked me off to the nanny, and the next, he had all these expectations I suddenly didn”t live up to.”
Her hand glides down my back. ”It”s okay, Drew...you don”t have to do this. We don’t have to talk about this.”
I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair. ”That’s the problem here, Flower. We do. I have to do this, release the demons and the pain. I have to try to heal the fucking wounds if we are ever going to get past everything. If you are ever going to truly forgive me.”
Fuck. I thought I could do this, but I don”t know if I can. I don”t want her to see this side of me, to know the terrible details, but here’s no way around this. In order to let go of the past, I have to reveal it, and I’m ready to let go. I shudder out another breath and shrug off her touch. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her flinch and I can feel the shard of glass entering my skin again from that single look.
Reaching for her, I cup her cheek gently in my hand and scan her face, hoping she can understand. ”It”s not you. I-you can”t touch me while I talk about this stuff. The mere thought of what he did to me, and put me through…” I grit my teeth, and my soft grip turns harsh on her cheek. I drop my hand and turn away before continuing. “The memories are strong enough to make me lash out, and I don’t want to hurt you.”
I don’t bother looking at her as I speak. I’m not sure I could stomach it. The pity, and despair, or maybe even disgust that she’ll soon wear on her face.
“I think I was five when he first started hitting me. It was for little things at first, like if I failed to listen to what he said or didn’t do something perfectly. As I got older, the beatings evolved into something else. They became more frequent and more violent. He went from hitting me with his hands to kicking me. There were even times I blacked out, and when I woke up, I was in the same spot with my blood all over the floor. I learned really fucking quickly that if I wanted to survive I needed to do every single thing he told me to. I went where he told me. I was the best at anything he named. He used me in any way he possibly could to get ahead in business, with friends, colleagues. I was his punching bag and his one-way ticket to all the money in the world.” I grit through my teeth, my anger bubbling so close to the surface. I want to give into the burn of it, to let it wash over me, but I can’t. I can’t let it rule me anymore. I can’t let him rule me.
“At the party, when you saw me with that girl. It wasn’t because I wanted to be with her. It wasn’t because I chose her. It was on his order. It was follow the order or get beat. When you walked into that kitchen and witnessed what he was doing, when you saw what he was doing to me. I…” My heart clenches inside my chest, and I swear I feel what it’s like for the first time then to care for something more than you care for yourself. “I was afraid of what he would do to you. I was afraid that he would realize how much I cared about you and use you against me. All I could think about was protecting you, getting you out of that room as fast as I could so he didn’t get his slimy hands on you.” I growl the last few words, the reminder of that day imprinted on my mind. “It didn’t matter though because one second is all it took for him to realize you meant something to me. That’s when his motive changed. He wanted to use you to hurt me and I knew I’d rather die than let him get his hands on you, so I did the only thing I could think of. I choose to hurt you myself. I choose to be the villain. I knew that each word I spoke would hurt you, but it would still be better than if my father got ahold of you.”
The sound of sniffling reaches my subconscious, and I look up, glancing at Bel over my shoulder. The anguish pinching her delicate features slams into me like a Mack truck. Tears slide down her cheeks, her makeup is ruined, and her cheeks are flushed. I’m tempted to reach for her, to soothe her, and erase the hurt and pity she must be feeling, but I can’t. I’m not done yet.
“My father did everything he could to ensure he maintained control over me. As I got older, he realized his beatings no longer held the same power as they had before. I’d become accustomed to the abuse, and in many ways when he hit me it no longer hurt.
Yes, there would be bruises, and evidence, but I didn’t really feel any of it. I’d go into this dark place in my mind where he couldn’t touch me, where his abuse didn’t hurt me. In that place, no one could reach me. When he realized that, his motives changed, and he started using other, more creative ways to control me. He threatened to toss me out on my ass and cut me off, not understanding that I didn’t really give a fuck anyway.
As my mother’s condition worsened, he started holding her over my head. He told me he’d stop offering her pain meds and make certain she suffered if I didn’t do exactly what he told me to.” I grit my teeth, the shame and guilt resonating through me. I’d always felt strong, above my peers, but I was nothing but a lost little boy when it came to my father. Forever trapped by him.
“That’s where he got me. The thought of her suffering because of me. I couldn’t handle it. She didn’t deserve that. And then you came along, and well, I didn’t want to hurt you, ever. I couldn’t imagine letting him use you to control me either.”
In a flash, she’s climbing onto my lap, wrapping her legs around me, while snaking her arms around my neck at the same time. She clutches onto me tightly, burying her face against my chest.
Her touch burns me to ash. I want to let her heal me, and mend all the ugly, dirty pieces of my disgraced soul back together again, but this isn’t my flower”s weight to carry.
Lifting her head, she peers up at me, her green eyes shimmering with tears. ”I’m sorry, Drew. I knew he was a terrible human and that he hurt you. I saw the marks on your skin and wanted to ask you about them. I tried, but I was afraid you would push me away, and you did. That night you came to my dorm in the tux. He hurt you that night, didn’t he?”
All I can do is nod, emotion clogging my throat and making it difficult to speak. Tears prick at my eyes, but I blink them back. The thought of crying over this shit makes me sick to my stomach. Especially in front of her.
“I’m so damn sorry, Drew. I’m sorry no one was there to help. No one stopped those things from happening to you, and I’m sorry that he’s using your mother against you. Using her deteriorating health against you. Why? Why would he do that?”
I shake my head because I don’t have an answer. “I don’t know. I’ve spent a long fucking time wondering what it was about me that made him hate me so much. I did everything I could to please him. Everything.” I growl bitterly. “His hate shaped me into the person I am today. I took that pain and anger and hurt others because I could. I was a fucking bully, and no better than my father. When you told me that day that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, it wasn’t a lie. I’m not better than him. I’m the same and I fucking hate it.”
She moves her hands and cups me by the cheeks, forcing me to look into her eyes.
“Stop. Don’t say that. You’re better than him, Drew. You’re a thousand times better than him because where your father cares for no one but himself, you care about others. You care about your mother, your friends, and me.”
She has no fucking clue how much she means to me. I’d lie, cheat, and steal for her. I’d kill anyone who tries to hurt her. My beginning and end are all her. As she stares at me, I consider telling her the truth about my father, my mother, all of it, and I will, but without all the answers and understanding how it all came to be, I can’t. Not yet.
”Maybe you don’t think so, but I do. I know I don’t deserve you, not even a little bit. But that’s the thing. I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck if I deserve you because I’m far too selfish to let you go. That day in the library, when you stood up to me, you didn’t cower in fear or melt beneath me. You were unlike anyone I’d ever met, and when I looked at you, it felt like you were looking at me, seeing the real me, and no one had ever done that before. It both terrified and intrigued me. I was scared you would be able to see parts of me I hadn’t shown anyone before. I wanted to control you, to bend you to my will. The darkest parts of me clung to the lightest parts of you, and for the first time in forever I felt in control of at least one thing in my life.”
She releases my cheeks and shifts her arms under mine, squeezing me as tightly as she can, pressing her cheek over my heavy beating heart. “I don’t know what to say.”
The pressure on my chest is lighter, and when I suck a breath into my lungs the weight of my past no longer presses too tightly. ”You don’t have to say anything, Bel. I just wanted you to know, and my only hope is that by telling you, maybe you’ll understand why I did what I did and might be able to forgive me for it.”
Strands of blond hair stick to her cheek as she pulls away, her eyes rimmed red as they peer up at me. Her pink lips press into a thin line. “I want to forgive you, Drew, and I’m trying. Every day that passes, it becomes easier to wrap my head around. It kills me to be away from you, and my heart begs me to give in and forgive you because I miss you. I can’t even go to the library without thinking about you. It’s no longer the same.”
“I’m sorry.” I stroke her back gently. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“I know you’re sorry. I feel it in my bones, and in so many ways you’re already forgiven. I’m just afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll hurt me again, even if accidentally in an attempt to subdue your father, and I don’t think I could survive losing you a second time. Your dad still has power and control over you, and there’s no saying he won’t try to use me again, that he won’t make you do something to hurt me simply because he can. I need something concrete that proves your father no longer has a hold on you. That he won’t be able to sway you into doing his dirty work. I forgive you, Drew, but I need to make sure your father can’t hurt either of us again. Only then can we really let this go completely.”
Fuck. She’s right.
With my father still in the picture and a part of my life, Bel isn’t safe, and she won’t ever be till I get rid of him. There isn’t a damn thing I can do to fix this right now, and it fucking sucks.
“I understand,” I murmur instead of doing what I really want to do, which is lay her back on the bed, strip her out of this dress, and fuck her into submission until she screams my name and admits how much she wants me. But fucking her won’t change anything. It won’t make her forgive me any faster. ”I want to stay, and fuck you until you promise to forgive me but I should go before your brother comes snooping around. I don’t think he would appreciate catching us naked again.”
She chuckles. “Yeah, I don’t think he would like that very much.”
“Me either.” I press a kiss to her forehead, and gently lift her off my lap, placing her back on the bed. What she needs is time, and even if it’s not what I want to give her, I don’t have an option. I won”t wait forever. She”ll be mine regardless. It’ll just make all of this easier if I have her forgiveness.
Shoving off the bed, I smooth my hands down the front of my pants and give her one last look, my heart squeezing in my chest. I turn on my heels and walk out of the room, my insides twisting painfully, my heart urging me to stay with her. The person I’d rip my still-beating heart out of my chest for. I don’t. I continue walking, heading back to The Mill, hoping to be greeted by a quiet house. The only way to get Bel back is to get rid of my father, and I’ll do anything to make that happen.
A hand dragsme out of bed, ripping me from sleep, and my eyes pop open, my fists clenched and swinging. Adrenaline rushes through my veins, and I peer up at the light shining in my eyes. It takes me a second to realize where I am.
One of my father”s goons stands above me, and my gaze swings to the door where I find another standing. ”Get up and get dressed. Your father wants to see you.”
I shove off the floor and scramble onto my feet. ”Fuck you, asshole. He can call me like a normal fucking human if he wants to talk.” I say the words as I move on autopilot, walking straight to my dresser to get clothes. I know firsthand what will happen if I don’t obey, and it’ll be ten times worse if I don’t show up.
It takes me a minute to find clothes, but when I do, I shove my legs into a pair of sweats and grab a sweatshirt. My father’s two goons watch me with impatience as I slip my feet into my tennis shoes. One walks in front of me, while another follows me as they lead me to the waiting car. I climb into the back seat, and they slam the door closed, locking me inside. My gaze moves to the illuminated screen up front, and I notice the time.
Three fucking a.m. Are you kidding me? I don’t know why I’m not surprised. I guess I’d be more shocked if he didn’t make a surprise visit or at least send his goons after me. My stomach is a ball of anxiety that grows worse and worse with each mile the car drives.
Ten minutes later, we arrive at the house, and I’m tempted to stay in the car hiding, but there’s no way my father wouldn’t have one of his asshole guards pull me out of the vehicle by my hair. So I begrudgingly leave the protection of the car and walk up the steps and into the house. The house is quiet, too quiet. Fuck me, this isn’t going to be good.
I drag my feet the entire way to his office, one guard in front of me and another behind me, making sure I shuffle along like a good little boy. When we reach the double doors that lead into his office, I exhale. The guard shoves the doors open and then moves to the side, each taking their spots on opposite sides of the doorway. I suck a shuddering breath into my lungs and enter his office slowly. I barely have time to glance toward the desk when something heavy comes flying my way. Pain rips through my temple, and it hurts enough to bring me to my knees.
Fucking prick.
Blood.It trails down my temple and over my cheek. My stomach churns, and I lift a hand to the spot to make certain it’s blood and not just my imagination. When I pull my fingers away, they’re slick and stained red.
I clench my teeth and scramble to get off the floor. ”What the hell?”
Unfortunately, my father is already there, charging across the room, leering in my face. ”You ruined it,” he spits.
I clutch my head as a wave of dizziness rolls through me, dropping me back onto my ass. God, this is getting old. ”What are you talking about? I haven’t done anything wrong. I showed up at your party and played nice.”
His eyes flash with icy rage, and out of nowhere, he pulls a gun, the glint of it shining in the dim light. He waves it around with his finger near the trigger.
”You’re the fucking problem. You ruined it all. You and that cunt. She convinced that arrogant fuck to withdraw his donations. As of two hours ago, Sebastian Arturo has removed all of his assets from the Marshall Group. I doubt your small brain can comprehend how much fucking money that is.”
I want to laugh in his face and tell him I told you so, but practice is the only thing that keeps my face empty of emotion. ”What am I supposed to do about it?”
My response isn’t what he wants to hear, and in a flash, he lashes out, slamming the gun into the side of my head. The world spins, and my ears ring. Pain lances across my cheek and the bridge of my nose, but I grit my teeth against it, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing my reaction.
“What do you think I want you to do? Use your fucking head. Get my fucking money back, Andrew. Go to that fucking house. Find that stupid bitch and tell her you’re head over heels in love with her. Do whatever you need to do to make her believe it and have her make her brother return his portfolio. Fix it! That’s what I want you to do.”
Blood pools inside my mouth, and I spit it onto the hardwood before speaking. A look of utter disgust is cast my way. ”How is Bel going to convince Sebastian?”
He spins away from me and reaches for the bottle of bourbon sitting on the edge of his desk. Bringing the neck of it to his lips, he takes a chug and places the bottle back down. I use the time to stand and swipe at the blood on my head.
When he returns his attention to me, he invades my space, gripping my sweatshirt, pulling me into his face. He snarls his lips, and his whiskey breath fans against my cheek. It takes everything inside me not to react or fight back. This man is a ticking bomb and it’s only going to be a matter of time before he implodes on himself. Taking us all down with him.
I need Bel and my mom as far away from him when that time comes.
There’s no saying the lengths he’ll go to get her to agree to something. No one tells my father no, and if they do, they regret it.
“I don’t care what you have to do. I don’t care who you have to fuck, even if you have to fuck Sebastian himself. Convince them that everything is okay. Make them believe that we respect them, and that we want them to be a part of the Marshall family. Do whatever. It. Takes. The money is everything. The money is the ONLY thing.”
He brings the barrel of the gun to my head, the cold steel pointed firmly into my flesh. I don’t even blink at his behavior. He’s in a fucking mood, and I don”t trust his need for me to be greater than the satisfaction of pulling that trigger right now.
“You’ve never had to live on the street, Son. You’ve been privileged all your life. You have no idea there are children out there who can’t feed themselves or have to sell their bodies to be able to do so. You have never understood how fucking lucky you are to be born with everything you could ever need. So when I say, money is everything, then I mean, the money is the only thing keeping you six feet above the ground.”
I swallow hard at what he’s saying. He’s never...I blink, knowing how he will take it if I ask questions, show him any kind of pity, so I don’t.
”Part of the Marshall family?” I ask, softly. “What does that mean?”
He nods, his mouth twisting into a cruel smile as he moves the barrel, tracing down the side of my face with the gun before stopping to press it under my chin. My heart beats out of my chest, and I”m so fucking tired of him making me feel this way. Tired of the anxiety and fear. Of never knowing what he might do next.
”It means you will convince that girl you”re in love with her. That you want to marry her. That what happened at the party that night was a misunderstanding. Then once we have her tied to the family with no way of escaping, I’ll have my revenge and show that little Arturo bastard what happens when people play with my money. When we’ve had our full use of the girl, you can toss her in the trash and move on to someone new.”
He’s lost his fucking mind.
”This is not the 1900s. You can’t make someone marry you simply because you say so. What’s your plan if she says no? Are you going to kidnap her and force her to sign her name on the dotted line?” I play into his delusional plot. “We can’t go into this without a solid plan. Otherwise, it might backfire on us. Sebastian is a loose cannon, and I have no doubt that he will use every bullet he has to try to take us out.”
He nods and taps my cheek with the gun, then steps away, returning to his bottle of bourbon. After taking another chug, he places the bottle back down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Yes, I agree. I”ll have to think of something else. Maybe I”ll get rid of your mother and marry the girl myself. She”s a sweet little piece of ass, and I’d love to know what it is about her cunt that has my son tied up in knots.”
If I wasn’t so sure he’d pull the trigger, I’d swing on his ass, but that’s what he wants. To see me react, to get under my skin and piss me off. When I do none of those things and simply continue staring blankly at him, he continues.
“It doesn’t really matter. I”ll find a way to get control of her. Who knows? When I”m backed into a corner, I can be very creative. So tell me, Son, do you want me to take matters into my own hands, or are you going to do what I tell you to? You can still have a piece of the pie. There is still a spot for you here beside me.”
I’m backed into a corner. There’s nothing I can do but agree. If I don’t, there’s no saying what he’ll do. At least with my agreement, I can buy myself some time.
“Consider it done,” I announce, my voice low.
He smiles, and it makes my stomach churn. ”Good, and don’t fuck this up, Drew! You’ve caused enough issues. You’re lucky your mother is still alive after all the shit you’ve done. Now, let’s fix this. I”ll set up a little date for you two. Show me how creative you can be, and maybe you”ll get through this in one piece. Although I can”t guarantee the same thing for your friends.”