Chapter 34 #2
I nod. “He knows.” A heavy weight settles inside my chest. “You know how much I love you, right?”
His fingers slip out of mine. “Don’t do that. I fucked up. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, and I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”
The fact is, there’s a reason why he did.
It wasn’t a drunken mistake. The way he’s acted since Felix came into my life is proof.
“Look at me.” He swallows, electric-blue eyes steady on me.
“You’re my brother. I care about you so much and I love you.
That’s what this is, though. We’re family.
I think in time you’ll understand that. What we have can’t be replaced.
” I squeeze his arm and watch his lips tremor.
“We’re closer than anyone else. You’re still my best friend. ”
He swipes at his eye, setting his mug down. “I feel like shit.”
“I know you do.” I know Atlas better than anyone. “Nothing changes between you and me. I’m not playing this year, but you’re still my best friend. I’m here for you whenever for whatever. If you need to vent, drink, if you need cuddles—” That makes him laugh. “I’m your guy.”
He sucks his teeth, sitting straighter. “That’s the thing, though, Grey.
I’m not your guy.” I don’t know what to say to that.
“I am happy for you. I really am.” He blinks rapidly.
“I couldn’t think of a better guy for you.
Felix is sweet, and I know you need a little of that in your life.
I’m so happy for you.” He takes a deep breath.
“But I have to tell you something. Only Oli knows . . . and probably Andre. They’re a package deal now, I guess. ”
“What is it?”
“Lately, even before this, I’ve done a lot of thinking. Something is going on with me, deeper than just what I feel for you. I’ve thought a lot about some things and I . . .” Atlas stares at the floor, his knee bouncing. “I uh . . . I asked for a trade.”
“What?!”
He nods, grabbing his coffee and taking a sip. “I need to be on my own for a bit, I think. I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Being queer is—”
“No, no, that’s not what I mean. That’s not it.
” He shakes his head, steadying his breath and trying to calm the shake in his voice.
“The thing is, I know you love me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am in love with you and .
. . I don’t know. I’m a mess. I need space.
Being here with you and Felix, it’s going to hurt too much.
I just need some space. I think it’s best for me. I need to figure myself out.”
I want to argue, but I try to put myself in his place. “What if I told you I won’t be here,” I hedge. His brows scrunch. “I got a job offer in New York. To coach at the state college. I’m going to take it.”
“What?! Really? That’s amazing.” He smiles. “You’ll be a kickass coach. They’re so lucky.” He grabs my hand and squeezes. “And no, it won’t change my mind at all. I need this. A change of scenery. I think it’ll be good for me.”
“Where are you trading to?” Atlas grabs his coffee, taking an obnoxiously loud, time-stalling sip, not meeting my eyes. “Are you serious?! Rome, he—”
“Rome is a dick; all of Virgina knows it. The Vipers know it. The league knows it. I’m not worried about him.
Knox says he’s like one wrong move from being tossed anyhow.
I’ve already signed a contract. The trade is in place, and I’m leaving next week.
I really like Knox. He’s a good guy. He’s helping me get a place in the building he lives in.
I just need something new. I need to grow a bit. ”
For the longest time it’s been Oli, Atlas, and me. We’re all changing, though. All in different phases of our lives. Still, I can’t help being sad.
“I’m going to miss the hell out of you.” I cough, clearing my throat. My eyes burn. I know I’m leaving too, so I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard. Maybe because it feels real now. I’m leaving. Atlas is leaving. Everyone is moving in different directions.
“Virgina is closer than Oregon.” He squeezes my shoulder. “Only a short plane ride away. You better come to my games when we play the Hawks. I mean it.” Atlas laughs. “We’ll start a new tradition.” It’s quiet for a moment, and I don’t know what to say while I take this in.
“Oh, shit,” I say.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m realizing now I’ll have to buy a Vipers jersey.” I grimace. He punches my arm with a laugh.
“Damn right. Sgarby in black and lime green. I’m going to look so hot.”
I laugh.
“I’m excited about this. I know it’s sudden, but I think this is going to be for the best. I’m going to miss you both so fucking much, Grey. You have no idea. You and Oli are everything to me. You’ve helped me so much, I can’t even begin to tell you what your friendship has meant to me.”
“What it means.”
“What?”
“Not meant. No past tense bullshit. We’ll always be friends. I mean it, Atlas. You always have a place with me. I know Oli feels the same.” He follows me as I stand, and I hug him tight, rubbing his back. “I love you. You’re going to be amazing, I know it.” He squeezes me tighter.
“I’ll be okay. I just need to find myself. I’m so sorry. Please tell Felix I’m so sorry.”
“He knows.” We pull back, the tears in his eyes no doubt a mirror of my own. “You’ll be great.”
“Oh, I know I will.” He grins that cocky smirk. “Told Oli the cup is ours next year.”
When I get back home, I’m drained. My knee doesn’t bother me as much as it did at the start of the year, though.
It’s still sore after everything, I just have to be careful, but since I’ve accepted this, it’s like my body feels better.
Walking into my house, I see Felix doing dishes. “Hey.” He looks at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I had a little bit of a moment on the ride back home. I’m happy for Atlas, but still, there’s a sadness there. It’s pointless, because I’m leaving too. He’ll actually be closer to me. Maybe it’s just grieving the normal. Or what was our normal. Everything is changing.
Felix wraps his arms around me, hugging me tight. I love this gentle man with gentle hands.
Maybe change isn’t so bad.
“What happened?” He looks at me, concern in his beautiful brown eyes. “How’s Atlas?”
“He’s doing okay.” Or he will be. “He’s being traded.”
“What?”
I nod. “He’s moving to Virgina to play for the Vipers. It’s just sinking in now.”
“Does he know we’re moving to New York?” I nod but smile. We.
“Yes, we are.” I kiss him. “He said we have to go to his games in New York. And I have to wear his jersey.”
“I think you’ll look good in black and lime green.”
“Listen, I love you, but this body has never touched anything other than seafoam green, tan, and white. I don’t think I even know how to wear another jersey.” He laughs.
“Yeah, well, what about navy and baby blue?” He drags his finger down the center of my chest. “With the Hornets logo on the front. Do you think they can make a custom one for the coach?” He grins. “One I can wear . . .” He leans in, his breath feather-light ghosting over my ear. “In private?”
Oh, hell yeah. “I’m sure that is going to be on the top of my list once we get there.” Earlier this year, I thought my hockey life was over. I was so wrong. My hockey career is just beginning, and I get to shape the next round of professional hockey players.
And I get to do all of it with this incredible man at my side.
He throws his arms around my neck, and my hands cup the back of his knees, lifting him with ease. “Come on, Coach.” His lips land on my neck. “Take me to bed.”