Chapter 28
Astrid
When we arrived back at the house and I slumped onto the sofa, I felt featherlight. I was tipsy, but the good kind where your chest warms and your throat hums. I wasn’t at risk of memory loss and violent irrationality, but my mind was in a state of tranquility with a gentle buzz. I liked this feeling. I especially liked this feeling because Theo was going through exactly the same motion. At first, I didn’t understand what he meant when he questioned the cinema, but as I watched him set up the Blu-ray player, light some candles, pour some drinks and pull out a bag of microwaveable popcorn to share, it hit me. How did I seriously not get what he was doing? We were doing a Freaky Friday . I don’t actually remember the last time that we did one of these. I’d honestly go as far in saying that it was likely when we first moved in. As things started to turn sour between us over the past year, we spent less and less time together, with these nights practically becoming non-existent. I’d forgotten the absolute buzz I got when he put the shiny disc into the player and I sat there, eagerly awaiting whatever weird monstrosity we were about to witness. When the menu lights up, I see he’s put on the dystopian sci-fi classic, The Lobster (2015), we watched it years ago whilst we were still in school, but I’ll never forget how gloriously uncomfortable it left me feeling. After all, what was more brutal than sending single people to an island, giving them 45 days to find a partner, or risk being turned into an animal forever. There was no greater stab at single people I’m telling you. When he hit the play button, he dived back onto the sofa and immediately dug his hand into the bag of popcorn. Popcorn kernels fell out onto the floor as he did it, but I didn’t even care in that moment. For the first time in a long time, this actually felt like old times. Something simple. No smoke shows, no glam, no large expense, just him and I, on a sofa, sharing a cheapy bag of popcorn, in front of our ancient Flat screen TV that still somehow managed to maintain the quality of the films. We jabbered on about each scene, with me overreacting, even though I was hyperaware of what was about to happen. We talked about what animal we’d be if we were forced to be on the island.
“Definitely a cat.” Theo says, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “Eat, sleep, shit, repeat. That’s the life!”
I roll my eyes, grinning. “Yeah but you’d be inclined to hunt for mice and birds, and I couldn’t think of anything worse. I’d be a Meerkat I think.”
“Oh god.” He snorts. “That’s only because you had an unhealthy obsession with that bloody Meerkat in the Compare the Market adverts!”
Shaking my head, I fake-gasp. “ That Meerkat. His name is Alexander, show him some respect! Anyway.” I chuckle, “It’s more because I like the idea of being around a huge family who all look out for one another, plus… hello? They’re adorable.”
Theo laughs, “Don’t you think you’d want to be out in the wild though, rather than cooped up in a zoo with loads of faces staring back at you all day every day?”
My eyes squint, “Theo, I work as a reception class teacher. I’m used to loads of faces staring back at me all day everyday anyway.”
“Still.” He smiles, “you’d still want that big of a family? You can barely cope with mine.” He says it as a joke, but I don’t miss the undertones.
I pause, not knowing how to respond. “It’s nothing to do with the size.” Is all I can muster without risk of starting an argument.
His face turns more serious now as he pauses the film. “Astrid, what did mum say to you in the kitchen the other day? ”
I really didn’t want to get into this. Things for once were going well. Plus, the last time we had a quaint moment on the sofa, I tried to make it more, and we ended up in exactly the same position we were before. Did I really want to risk all of that now by hanging his mum out to dry? I mean, usually, I’d take no greater delight than watching Maggie suffer like she made me. But I was starting to get tired of the same old spiel.
“I’d rather not talk about it right now.” I said, not meeting his eye.
“Please? I need to know.” He said, placing a warm hand on my arm. I could sense that he needed this for some reason.
I judder, “If I do, you have to promise not to flip it around on me. I’m really trying to avoid any arguments tonight Theo. I’m tired. I’m just going to tell you what she said. Nothing more.”
He nods.
Inhaling a deep breath, I reply. “She told me how she didn’t think that our relationship was worth fighting for. How she thought that I’d changed into someone bitter, jealous, and someone that everyone constantly has to walk on eggshells around.” I gulp, all those emotions resurfacing as soon as I say it, “She emphasised how I never support you, and how I’m never kind to you. That I constantly moan and whine, that I should have given you children, and her grandkids by now like I’m some sort of baby making machine. Basically, she feels that I’m not the same girl that I was when we first got together and that there’s no point in even doing couple’s therapy with me, as she doesn’t think I’m fixable or capable of getting back.”
His mouth droops almost instantly and his eyes look sad. “Astrid, I’m so sorry you had to hear that from her. I can’t imagine how shitty that must have felt.”
Try, awful . As much as I usually didn’t allow Maggie to affect me, even with her constant snarky comments and petty remarks, at least that was overt. She was saying it to my face, I knew how she felt in those moments because she was telling me herself. But I don’t know…there was just something about hearing what she thought about me, what she really thought about me when she believed that I wasn’t around, that stung the most. She really hated me and thought I was no good for her son. Not only was she misinformed with a lot of things, due to Theo’s inability to stick up for me, but she was far too stubborn for her own good. I had a horrible feeling that even if he did miraculously tell her all the true ins and outs of our relationship, she’d still maintain her opinion of me. I mean, I did stick up for myself as Theo, and even then, she didn’t budge. It was a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone .
“I can talk to her.” He whispers, tracing my arm with his fingers.
My heart zings in my chest. He was actually going to speak to her and fight my corner?
But as quickly as that hope arrived, it squashes when I realise the elephant in the room. “She’s hardly going to talk to you when you’re me .”
“Then I’ll find a way to get through to her.” He says confidently, taking one of my hands. “I want things to get better. Now, more than ever, I need them to.” I felt like he was truly sincere.
“Did you want to have a chat?” he asks through his eyelashes.
I knew what he meant. He meant; did I want to talk about us. The dreaded chat that we haven’t had, but should have from the get-go. The chat that superseded couple’s therapy, and one that could quite possibly end with the final nail in the coffin. A chat that required a lot more ingenuity, rationalism, and clear-headed clarity, than our current tipsiness could provide us with. If we were going to discuss things, we needed a fresh mind, tabula rasa.
Putting a hand down on his thigh, I reply, “Tonight’s probably not the right time.”
He lets out a faint smile, before nodding and pressing play on the remote.
We continued watching the film, the first Freaky Friday we’d had in over a year and it was strange. As lovely and nostalgic as it was, there was a newfound sense of overwhelming silence and uncertainty permeating through the room between us. We were stagnant, with no indication of when we’d start moving again.