Chapter 27
twenty-seven
JOHANNA
“ How’s your week gone so far?” Amanda asks through the speakers of my laptop. Even though our sessions are now held on video call, they’re just as valuable. It took me a while to find the perfect match with a therapist, learning to not settle first time around.
“ It’s been really good, although a little hectic,” I reply. “ Tomorrow is the first day of the Easter fair, and it all seems to be going to plan. The busy schedule has helped keep my mind occupied.”
“ That’s great. Don’t forget, if it gets too much for you, step away for five minutes.”
“ I don’t know if the familiarity of the crowd is a blessing or a curse yet.”
“ Who will you be working with at the fair?”
The town has an Easter fair every year, and it’s crazy to think this is the first time Our Place will have a table there. We’ll be serving a small selection of menu items, with all the ingredients having been sourced right here on the bay or from Hancock County . “ Keeping it local,” is how I sold it to the town’s council members when I put in a last-minute application for a table, who pride themselves on using locally sourced produce and stock.
Everyone was impressed and happy to give us a table, apart from Mrs . Stewart , who was swiftly outvoted. She made sure to warn us of the bullshit penalties we’d receive, should we even dare bring “out-of-county contraband” to the fair.
“ I’ll be with Booth , our head chef. He’ll be cooking, I’ll be serving.”
“ That’s Patrick’s youngest brother, right?” she asks.
Amanda knows everything about Patrick , and I know I need to tell her about the newest development between us.
“ Yeah , that’s him.” I fiddle with the tassels on the pillow next to me. We only have a few more sessions left together until I start working with my new therapist at the beginning of June . “ Speaking of Patrick …”
When I look back at the screen, she’s sitting there patiently, waiting for me to finish.
“ We’ve , umm. Well , I guess you could say we picked up where we left off.”
“ How do you feel about that?”
“ Wow , that’s the most therapist thing you’ve ever said.” We have a great relationship, never shying away from humor, but she knows just as well as I do that I’m stalling. “ I’m scared.”
“ Talk me through that. What scares you?”
“ I’m scared that all his reassurances about being patient with me will wear thin. Or that when he finds out why I left, he’ll think it’s dumb or a huge overreaction. That I’ll cast a shadow over the death of his dad. Scared that if the outcome of the restaurant doesn’t turn out how we want it to, will he want me to stick around? He’s put so much into that place in the years I’ve been gone. He wants to try, but what if down the line he realizes I wasn’t worth the wait or doesn’t understand me on my low days? He has a young daughter he needs to put first, and the last thing I want to do is get in the way of that. She’s amazing, such a trip, but I still struggle to accept that we’ve had these huge life occurrences without each other.”
“ Those are all valid fears, and I’m sure he has his own. I wish I had the answers or could tell you those outcomes aren’t possible. Only you will know if moving forward together as partners is worth the risk. The risk being those fears you have coming true. There’s also a risk that everything turns out exactly as you want it. Go at your own pace, and remember, you deserve to be happy, Jo . You’ve come a long way. Can I ask… Is he worth the risk?”
“ He is.” There’s zero hesitation in my answer.
“ Then I think the first step is being honest with him. We’re running out of time, but I’d really like us to spend time on our next session helping you prepare for that conversation.”
I know I can’t avoid it forever, but having her support before I speak to Patrick helps ease my worries.
We chat for another couple of minutes before ending the call. I always feel confident and somewhat validated in my feelings after a session with Amanda , and it puts me in a good mood for the rest of the afternoon. I take an extra-long bath, give myself a pedicure, and finally finish off the puzzle of the Eiffel Tower . I can’t wait to rub it in Patrick’s face.
It’s the perfect Friday , and when I see it’s almost time to head to my dad’s house for dinner, the drive across town is done with a smile on my face.
My dad has been weird all week. I offered to come over earlier this afternoon before my therapy session to prep dinner, so all he had to do was throw some dishes in the oven and plate it up. He’s never one to turn down a cooked meal he doesn’t have to prepare, but he shooed the offer away.
When I arrive at my old childhood home, I notice a few unfamiliar cars on the street. Only they’re not unfamiliar the more I study them, because I recognize that light blue Chevy and my stomach drops. Not with the idea of seeing Patrick , but at the idea of him seeing me like this. I’m in ultimate slob-mode right now; with a makeup-free face, hair still damp from my bath, and a zit lurking on my chin. Luckily , my pajamas can easily pass as some knitted loungewear.
I frantically check my appearance in the rearview mirror when movement from the window catches my eye. A small face is pressed up against the living room window and waving frantically.
There’s no running away now to change my outfit, and I can’t help how my grin grows when I see Lottie fogging up the glass. I can’t hear what she’s saying, but I do see the look of excitement in her features.
Climbing out of my car, I head up to the house, quickly running my fingers through my hair, trying to flatten it down. Just as I reach the front step, the door flies open. Lottie waves and jumps from where she is standing in the doorway. “ Hi , JoJo . Can I hug you? Daddy says I need to ask first.”
This kid is so stinking cute. I drop to her level and hold out my arms. “ I would love a hug.”
She catapults herself into my open arms, and I give her a big squeeze before letting go and straightening.
“ Let’s get inside before it starts raining,” I say, sensing a shift in the air. She takes hold of my hand and pulls me inside. It’s only then that I notice Patrick standing in the open doorway, a warm smile on his lips when he sees our joined hands.
“ Can JoJo sit by me, Daddy ?” Lottie pleads between us.
“ You’ll have to ask her yourself,” he says. When she’s not looking, he mouths You don’t have to, but the thing is, I want to. Lottie is an amazing kid, and being around her is like having a shot of serotonin. The more time I spend with her, the less sad I get about how she came into the world .
“ I would love to sit next to you, Princess Lottie .” I give her a little curtsey that has her squealing in delight.
“ You’re gonna love your surprise. Oh . ” Her eyes go wide, and she slaps a hand across her mouth. “ Oops , sorry, Daddy ,” she says before running into the living room.
“ What surprise?” I ask suspiciously.
“ Nothing special, your dad thought it would be nice to have a Sadler - Thomas family dinner like the old days. You look pretty tonight. Even in pajamas.” Goddamnit . With a playful wink, he places his hand between my shoulder blades and directs me toward the murmur of voices. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of the feel of his hands on me, which is why I lean back into the touch.
Before we even take a few steps, a high-pitched shriek comes from the top of the stairs, and someone comes charging toward me.
My little sister.
I have just enough time to prepare myself before she throws herself off the bottom step and plows into me. We cling to each other like it’s been years and not months.
“ What are you doing here?” I cry happily into her hair, neither of us wanting to let go.
“ Oh , you know, I decided I couldn’t wait until May to see you, so here I am!”
I look at Patrick over her shoulder, and from the look in his eyes, I know this isn’t an impromptu trip. Harriet told me only a few weeks ago that money was tight and she might not be able to afford the trip for a while.
You ? I mouth at Patrick .
He just shrugs and walks away. Not realizing how he made an already great day remarkable.
“ Look at this one of you and Harriet ,” Claire coos.
She brought a shoe box full of old photos with her, all of them captured by Ted and his Polaroid camera. We passed them around the table during dinner, and while memories of Mom and Ted still sting, it’s nothing like the pain and distraught I would have felt a couple of years ago, or even several weeks ago. The more time I spend in town, surrounded by everyone under this very roof, I can feel my heart healing.
I let out a soft laugh as I look at a photo of Harriet running around in a diaper as I chase her down with a hose in our parents’ backyard.
Claire and I are in the kitchen clearing the dishes, but we’ve been distracted by the black-and-white Polaroids for the past ten minutes. I’m flicking through a small pile when I freeze, and the tears that have been threatening to fall finally spill over.
She catches the change in my body language, and wraps an arm around my shoulder when she peers over at the photo held tightly between my fingers. It’s one of my mom standing at the cliff edge at Anakiwa Lookout . “ I’m sorry if these pictures upset you tonight, sweetheart. I should have known better.”
“ No , no,” I rush out, hating that she feels she needs to apologize for sharing such happy memories of both our families. “ It’s always difficult to remember how young she was when we lost her.”
“ She was,” Claire agrees. “ I miss her every day, as I’m sure you do. I still remember the joy on her face when she told me she was pregnant with you. We were both so excited to be having babies in the same year. She was glad I was going through it first so I could tell her what to expect.” She’s laughing, despite the forlorn look in her eyes. My mom and Claire had been best friends since their early twenties, having met when they worked part time at the post office.
“ That must have been nice to go through that together,” I whisper.
“ It was, she was a great best friend. Just remind yourself that even on the bad days, your mom would be so proud of you and the amazing women you and your sister have grown into. Ted would too. I know my boy kept you at arm’s length at first, but he means well. He’s protective of his heart and the people around him. That includes you.”
Patrick has mentioned how he’s certain his family knows what went on between us all those years ago. I told him that was ridiculous, however, from the curious look on Claire’s face, I owe him an apology.
“ I couldn’t find the one of you and Patrick from that first New Year’s Eve party we hosted. I’m sure it’s lying around somewhere. Now —” She shoves the shoe box in my hands and shoos me out of the kitchen. “ Get out of here, send your father in, and go hang out with your sister and my boys.”
A short while later, we’re all cozied up in the living room, passing around the photos.
Harriet and I haven’t left each other’s side all night, and now we’re smushed next to each other on the sofa, laughing uncontrollably at a photo of us as we run away from a swarm of mosquitoes during one of our camping trips. Even though we talk every day, nothing beats catching up with each other like this. I tell her everything that she doesn’t already know. Well , not recent progress with Patrick , because I’ll never hear the end of it. I also decided not to ask her about the trip he took to visit me all those years ago, knowing she kept it from me for my own good. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t know.
She’s here until next week and has plans to see some friends upstate over the weekend. Patrick is still playing coy about how Harriet suddenly had the cash. When I cornered him, he simply said, “ Maybe she won the lottery.” The fact he did that for me is one of the reasons I was giving him heart eyes across the dining table all night.
Emotion has been swelling in my chest all evening at how familiar this dinner has been, but not painful emotions.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from tonight. Nostalgia was heavy in the air, and it was hard not to notice the absence of two people. Evenings like tonight are what I feared, being reminded of what we’ve all lost, yet as I look around at the people I grew up with, all I feel is happiness. The love and laughter shared helped remind me how much I loved these nights and how much I’ve missed them.
Lottie is snoring softly in Graham’s lap, having eaten her body weight in Claire’s blueberry pie. I was hoping he would have warmed up to me by now, but he’s barely spoken a word to me. I try not to take it personally, knowing Graham’s always been quiet. Booth was here for a short while, but there was a problem with one of the ovens at the restaurant, and he had to head out early.
“ Patrick , how has my big sister been behaving since she’s returned?” Harriet asks from her seat next to me.
His glass is halfway to his lips when he freezes at her question, looking around the room like there’s another Patrick she’s speaking to.
“ Oh , umm, yeah, she’s been a good girl. I mean, fine! She’s fine. No , she’s been fine.” He stands from the sofa and bolts out of the room. No explanation. Harriet and I can’t hold back our roar of laughter from where we’re curled up under a blanket.
“ I’ll go check on him,” Harriet says and follows Patrick to wherever he’s run off to.
An awkwardness settles in the room when it’s just Graham and me left. I wish Lottie was awake to fill the silence.
“ How’s work be?—”
“ Don’t hurt him again,” Graham says abruptly, cutting me off. There’s no anger or malice in his tone, and I don’t need to question who he’s referring to.
“ I don’t— I never meant to hurt him,” I say.
“ You might not have intended to, but you did. He won’t say it, but he was a mess. Cut up over everything that went on. I don’t blame you for it, we were all going through a lot then, and he’s not as tough as he makes out. He tries so hard to be the brave one for us all and sometimes forgets to look after himself.”
“ I’m sorry, Graham .” His expression softens just a fraction. “ I’m sorry for leaving how I did and at such a difficult time for you all. Leaving this town, my home, wasn’t easy. Not a day has gone by where I didn’t think about you all. I would never intentionally hurt Patrick . I care for him so much and I want to be the person that he can lean on.” I lay my hand across my chest, hoping he hears the sincerity in my voice. “ I’ve missed you all so much, and I understand if it’s too late for us to be friends again, but this is my home. And I’m here to stay.”
I drop my eyes, waiting for his response. The sound of shuffling from across the room has me looking up to where he is carefully shifting Lottie off his lap. It’s difficult not to feel the stabbing of disappointment in my chest when he walks toward the door. I’m about to tell him to stay and that I’ll leave, when I’m pulled into a pair of strong arms, my face smushed against the wool of his cardigan.
Graham is hugging me.
He’s actually crushing me, and I let out a squeak when the circulation to my lower half starts to cut off. With one final squeeze, he releases me.
He stands up straight and gives me one of those rare smiles. “ He’s glad you’re home. We all are.”
As I watch Graham walk out of the room, I sit there speechless. That turned out so much differently than how it played out in my head. I guess we’re friends again, or maybe we never stopped.
For years I’ve held onto the fear that the people who knew me before, wouldn’t see me the same. Wouldn’t be able to forgive me for leaving or understand the reasons behind it.
I should have known that my friends and family, wouldn’t do that.
Because these are my people.