Chapter 11
Audrey
Theo had kissed me. Then he called me a good friend.
But he kissed me right on the lips.
It was all I could think about. A full day later, I ran my fingers over my mouth and could still smell the mossy field, feel the way the wind and sun touched my skin, the gentle caress of his fingers on my face before his soft lips touched mine. My body heated, and my skin tightened, and my stomach swooped so much I could fall over.
I hadn’t been kissed in years, and he woke up a dormant part of me. Caring for someone was too much work, too exhausting and terrifying, but a quick connection? That wouldn’t be too bad.
Get it together.
Quentin agreed to meet me at a salad place between classes Wednesday, and I knew better than to think about Theo around him. There were almost two versions of Theo, the horrible hockey guy who I hated for hurting Quentin, and the one I knew from clinicals. The one who watched his siblings to help his parents.
“What up, sis?”
Quentin pushed the door open to the salad place, a boot on his leg and a smirk on his face. He scanned the room and nodded at a few people before he strutted to our table. He always had a gait to him that screamed confidence. It suited him well for hockey, and after we lost our dad, I was glad he still had a spark to him.
“Hey.” I cleared my throat as a flicker of anxiety bubbled in my stomach. He told me he had a plan to get back at Theo last time we briefly spoke, and even thinking about it bothered me.
“You get me something already or should I order?”
I shook my head. “Order for yourself.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, his head tilting to the side as he studied me. “You alright, Audrey?”
Pressing my lips together, I nodded but avoided his gaze. Quentin was my brother. My only real family left. He’d held me when I sobbed over losing our dad and had taken me to the movies to get my mind off the grief. He made me laugh through those tough years and became my best friend.
We’d talked about our hopes and dreams. He’d opened up about what made him sad, but those moments were years ago.
He wasn’t the same person he used to be, and the fact he dismissed me so easily Monday hurt me deeply.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs and took a sip of the iced tea, wetting the back of my throat to ease the growing tension. We used to check in with each other, and I’d enjoy the time. I’d learn about his friends, his classes, his teammates. But now? I didn’t have anything to ask.
Ask him about Theo’s mentorship.
The thought intruded, and I begged it to leave. Theo would be like politics between us: we just didn’t talk about it.
“Alright, I’m gonna need like four salads with how hungry I am.” He laughed and sat across from me, his familiar scent reminding me of home. He wore the same cologne my dad bought him when he turned sixteen.
“Yeah.” I played with my fork, desperate to try to keep normalcy between us. “Make sure you eat enough.”
“Why won’t you look at me?”
“Hm?” I glanced at his face, keeping mine neutral. My skin heated at his scrutiny.
“What’s wrong?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. Busy. Studying, as you know.”
He frowned and ran a hand over his face. “You’re mad about Monday still?”
The tone he used had me on edge. He was about to blame me for it. I knew it. There was no apology in his tone or awareness. When had my brother become mean?
It didn’t matter. It was easier to diffuse, to deflect. Move on. It hit me then, that I’d done this hundreds of times. Avoided confrontation because it stressed me out and in the process let my own feelings go unnoticed. Like they didn’t matter.
“It’s fine,” I said, keeping my voice neutral. “How’s hockey?”
“Ha.” He rolled his eyes and leaned back into the chair. He took my words at face value. He always did.
Did I want him to realize that he’d upset me? Yeah. I did. I wanted him to realize it and apologize, but that day would never come.
“Your nursing buddy is such a dick. Told me the team would turn against me once they saw him play. Are you kidding me? Loyalty goes further than skill on the ice. I can’t with this dude. Sanders is the fucking worst.”
But he wasn’t.
I opened my mouth to say that but snapped it shut. Again, confrontation wasn’t my style. “You said he’s mentoring you?”
His eyes flashed. “Sure. We can call it that. I don’t know what Reiner is playing at, but Theo and I meet once a week to talk and learn from each other. What a joke. What do I have to learn from him?”
“He’s drafted already, right? You could ask questions?—”
“Whose side are you even on, Audrey? Jesus Christ. Just cause he’s a fucking nurse like you, you’re picking his side? What’s the point of family then?” He glared at me, his face containing so much disdain it stole my breath away.
This wasn’t the brother I loved. The guy who was my equal, my friend. I wanted to cry with how different he was now, that I’d been blind to it for so long out of fear of confrontation.
“Hey, whoa, I am really sorry about snapping at you.” Quentin closed his eyes and leaned into the table, his expression softening at me. “That was shitty. Sorry Audrey. I know you weren’t doing that. I’m really struggling with all this shit, okay? I’m lashing out. You’re the last person I want to hurt.”
“You didn’t let me finish my sentence,” I whispered.
He nodded. “You’re right. Please, can you say what you were going to? I promise not to be a dick.”
“Sure.” I ran my fingers over the table, grounding myself for a beat. “You want to get drafted, so you could ask him the process of talking to coaches or lawyers, see what he did well?”
He arched one brow before shrugging. “Yeah, I could do that.”
“You don’t plan to.” I deflated.
“It’s a good idea, yeah, but I can talk to Reiner about all that.” Quentin relaxed into his chair, his expression so familiar it made my chest ache. He looked so much like our dad, and it made me wish for those days when the three of us did trips to the grocery store together. “We’re good, right Auds?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Okay, so I gotta tell you about the guys and what we did last weekend. It was wild….”
He went on to tell stories of their parties, shenanigans, and I listened the entire time. Not one did he ask about my clinicals or classes. But that was normal. Quentin liked to talk about himself the most.
This was the first time it really bothered me.
I let him think we were good because what choice did I have? Alienate the only real family I had left? That thought was too depressing to follow, so I sat there, shoving away my hurt and pretending everything was all right.
The anticipationof seeing Theo died fast when they split us up Thursday. Besides a quick wave, I hadn’t seen him all day, and it surprised me that I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to watch his expressions when he listened and his focus when he was tasked with something.
I also really wanted to ask about the kiss, but girls didn’t do that, did they? Theo probably kissed women all the time. He was a hockey star going to the NHL. A quick peck on the mouth for him was nothing, a blink of an eye. Yet, it felt special and meaningful and ugh.
My life was out of control.
During our break, Theo didn’t come to the outside portion like we did last time, and disappointment hit me right in the chest. It was wild how much I wanted to talk to him. But he could be avoiding me because of the kiss and brother thing. It made sense.
I’d never been anyone’s first choice ever and never expected to be. My mom told me during her grief that life was about setting realistic expectations. If I expected to never be a priority, then being chose second or being forgotten wouldn’t hurt.
The rest of the shift flew by, a myriad of experiences and questions that made my mind blur. It was all so fascinating, and losing myself in this role felt great. The worry about Quentin or Theo left, and I had a purpose. A real meaning for being here, and damn, that filled me up with hope.
I clocked out and made my way to the exit when a familiar voice called my name.
“Audrey, hey, Auds! Wait up!”
Theo.
My skin flushed as I angled my head toward him. He walk-jogged toward me with a huge grin on his face. Almost like he was happy to see me. He’d avoided me earlier, so that didn’t add up. “Hello, Theo.”
“Hello, Theo?” He raised his brows. “We’ve raged together, accidentally seen each other in underwear, and you said hello like we’re stuffy graduate professors? Come on, girl, I get more than a hello.”
“Hi?”
“Better.” He grinned, and his stare felt like a caress as it moved from my hair to my eyes to my mouth. His expression shifted to concern real fast. “What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?” Could this man read minds?
“Did I upset you? I don’t… I can’t think…” He ran a hand over his hair, his frown stretching across his face as he stared at me. “Fuck. I didn’t meet you at break. I’m sorry! It was Marcy?—”
“It’s okay.” I shook my head, my stomach tightening with the conversation. I wanted it to end. It was stupid. It didn’t matter that I missed him. “You’re busy. You don’t owe me anything.”
“Audrey.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed, a tender expression on his face. “Auds, I promise you it was Marcy. She wanted me to observe this routine procedure with one cardiac patient, and it was fascinating, but I should’ve texted you.”
“No. You shouldn’t have. You don’t need to explain yourself.” It was foolish to think we were more than just casual friends, so there was no reason for my stomach to twist with nerves.
His jaw flexed, and I forced myself to focus on the trees right outside the entrance. We stood there, my hand in his, and I removed it. It was silly that I felt… connected to him. I was one of many for him, and I knew that. It wasn’t rude, but it was the truth.
I knew better than to hope for anything. I fucking knew better, but the hurt still worked its way in my chest, and I wanted to be alone. Maybe it was the leftover betrayal of Quentin changing our friendship or not caring about me anymore. It was a one-sided relationship, and it wasn’t fair to channel that energy onto Theo.
“How was the procedure?” I asked, moving my legs to force myself to walk. Outside air always felt good after being in here all day. It smelled fresher. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and already felt the tension leaving my body. I was okay. I had me, and that had to be enough.
“Audrey, can you pause for a minute, please?”
“Pause?” My heart raced. I didn’t want to unpack my hurt. He wouldn’t understand. I could never say how I truly felt, ever. Not after my dad got sick because I had to be the tough one for my mom and Quentin.
“You’re seconds away from bolting or coming up with a reason why you have to leave, and I’d really like five minutes of your time.”
“Okay.” I shrugged and shoved my hands in the pockets of my scrubs. “What is it? Was the procedure tough to watch? I’ve never seen anything cardiac related, but it seems interesting.”
“I hurt you.” He rubbed his lips together and regret crossed his features. “I’m really sorry. If I was waiting for you, and you didn’t show, it’d upset me too.”
That annoying, thick emotional feeling formed in my throat again. No. I needed it gone. No one ever apologized to me, I didn’t even know what to do with it. I pushed it away. “It’s okay, Theo. I said that.”
“But it’s not? You’re lying. Your body language gives you away, and I really fucking like our friendship. I’d hate to mess it up.”
“You didn’t.”
“Audrey, you’re killing me right now.” He placed his hands on his hips and groaned. “Be mad at me. Push back. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I couldn’t do that. Not really. It didn’t matter. Not to him. I tried with my mom, and she accused me of being selfish. I knew better. “There’s nothing to push back on. I’m just tired.”
His nostrils flared as he studied me before his shoulders sagged. “I hate that you don’t let me in. I want you honest with me, that’s all. I’ll work on being a better friend.”
“You’re fine?—”
“If you say fine or okay one more time, I’m gonna lose my mind.”
We stared, the tension thick as I thought about the kiss again. This was not the right time to remember how his mouth felt against mine, but it happened, and damn.
His phone went off, ruining the moment. “Please don’t leave.” He grabbed my wrist gently. “We’re not done, but this is my sister.”
“Hey, Em.” He kept his eyes on me, but they widened with worry. “What? Where are you? Is Jace there? What about Penny? Fuck. Okay. Okay. I’ll be there. Yeah. Uh, fuck. Text me your location now.”
His tone was urgent. Frantic.
His gaze found mine, and panic oozed out of him.
“What is it?” I asked, fight or flight kicking in. “What happened?”
“Em has a flat tire on the side of the freeway. I have the car seat to pick up Penny in thirty minutes in the opposite direction. Daniel needs to be picked up from school in twenty minutes. Em was gonna help but can’t. She’s freaking out.” He gripped his hair. “What the fuck are they gonna do when I’m gone?”
“Hey. One step at a time. What is the most urgent?
“Emily.” He swallowed. “She can’t change a tire. Doesn’t know how.”
“Okay. Then we go there with her. You change it for her and get your siblings. I’ll stay with her if you want me to. I can drive her back or just be an ear.”
“Yeah. Okay. Are you… Audrey, you don’t… this isn’t your?—”
“Let’s go. Do you need me to drive?”
Theo’s hands fisted for a beat before he shook his head. “No, I need to focus on something.”
“Then come on.”
Within five minutes, we were on the road, his sister on the car speaker as Theo asked her more questions.
Was she all the way on the shoulder?
Did anyone stop to help her? If so, say no, that help is on the way.
Did she have the car manual from the glove box? Could she get it ready and find the jack?
Watching Theo stress about his seventeen-year-old sister really showed me the person he was. This wasn’t the guy who was horrible to Quentin. Theo cared deeply about his family and was intuitive. It wasn’t the time to revisit what we were chatting about, but he read my face and refused to let me lie my way out of it.
I was glad he got the call when I was with him. I’d hate to imagine him going through this alone, driving scatterbrained.
“Okay, do you see a green car on the right?” He zoomed to the far right lane of the freeway. Cars were flying by us, and a little fear trickled its way down my spine.
I’d hate to be stranded here. Alone. Young. Hell, even now I wouldn’t like it.
“What is the damn speed limit?” he growled.
“There she is.” I pointed about half a mile away. “Put your hazards on and start to slow down.”
We approached the car, and the physical relief on his face made my heart beat faster. Theo loved his family. A warm, gooey sensation formed in my chest at the thought of having someone care for me that much. My dad had, but he was gone. My mom used me as a bank, and my brother never appreciated anything. Our families couldn’t be more different.
“What the fuck is she doing standing this close to the road?” He slammed the car in park and jumped out.
I followed.
“Emily, get to the side of the medium, right now. These cars are flying past you!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Theo.”
Emily had tears streaming down her face. She trembled as she sniffed, and without thinking, I went into nurse mode.
“You’re probably in shock. Let’s go sit. Do you have water with you?”
She nodded. “I-in the car.”
“Theo, open the drunk and find the jack and spare in there. The user manual is right here. Nice job finding it, Emily.” I passed it to Theo. “Read through to see if there is anything crazy. If not, we can use the jack to prop it up and take off the flat.”
Emily’s water bottle was covered in stickers. I snatched it from the cupholder and made my way over to her. She wrapped her arms around her knees, gravel sticking to the undersides of her legs. “Th-thank you.”
“Take a few sips, then a few deep breaths.” I sat next to her, not caring about the rocks or garbage surrounding us. “What happened?”
“I was going the speed limit because I hate driving on the highway. Cars go so damn fast. Sorry, uh dang.” She hung her head. “I heard this horrible sound, and the car jerked. I thought I was going to die.”
“Hey.” I put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it. “You didn’t. You’re here. You’re safe. You did the right thing. Be proud of that.”
She swallowed as a wave of sobs hit her. “I can’t stop sh-shaking.”
“That’s adrenaline. It’s your body’s fight or flight system. It means you made the right choices to protect yourself, but it can be scary when it needs to work its way out.”
“Cars honked at me, and people yelled. I thought… I thought one was gonna crash into me. Then, a guy stopped, asking to help, and he terrified me. He was double my size, but when I screamed, he drove away.”
“He was probably trying to help, but that would’ve scared me too.” I took her hand and squeezed it. “You’re okay now.”
“Audrey, can you help me get the lugs off?”
“Are you okay here? Can I help your brother for a minute?”
She nodded and gave me a watery smile. “Thank you. Daniel told me about you. You’re nice.”
“You have some damn good siblings.”
Theo had the car propped on the jack, but the position required him to keep hold on the car to balance it. “Can you take that wrench and get them off?”
“Yes.” I had to stand directly in front of him, so my butt almost touched his crotch as I bent to remove the parts. It was unsexy, super unromantic, but I couldn’t help but feel a buzz from his heat radiating to me. His spicy cologne wafted toward me, and it took all my effort to not close my eyes and inhale.
The thing about attraction was that it wasn’t up to us. Even though I knew we’d never be anything I could still be attracted to him.
“Nice muscles, Hawthorne. You know your way around a wrench.”
“My dad made sure to teach me the basic things to survive on my own.” I loosened them all before undoing them with my fingers. “He showed me how to change a flat, fix drywall, do basic plumbing, and how to seed a lawn. The last one hasn’t been that life-changing.”
“Not yet at least. You never know when you’ll have a nice big yard with kids and dogs running around.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged as I gripped the wheel and took it off. “That’s not really my vision for the future.”
“What is?” he asked, his voice gentle as he stared at me with the same open expression that had my knees weakening.
“Just a nice condo. Exposed brick, maybe a patio for succulents and herbs.” My life would be at the hospital, working, and I’d just need a place to sleep and relax on off days. I didn’t have fantasies about houses or pets or kids. That wasn’t in the cards for me. My parents did that, and look how it turned out? My dad died, and my mom wasn’t the same person and basically forgot about Quentin and me. Even my brother and I were growing apart.
“I could picture you there. Some cool, artsy lamps hanging down. Some cool ivy or something. Yeah. That tracks with you. Some fancy bookshelves for all your studies. I can see it, Auds.”
My face warmed at his additions, which was silly. He was being kind. That was who Theo was.
“That’s the dream,” I muttered, setting the tire down. “Do you need me to grab the spare, or is it sturdy enough that you can finish?”
“I’ll take it from here. You’re one of a kind, girl.”
I ignored the swoop of my stomach from his words. He didn’t mean them to be anything special. Plenty of people knew all these things. “I’ll check on Em.”
She stopped crying and watched us, her rosy cheeks still red from the tears. “Can you show me how to do that? With Theo moving north next year, who will I call?”
“It’s not too hard.” I pulled out my phone. “There are videos online that explain all the steps in a super easy manner. I try to watch a few a month to prepare myself.”
“Yeah. I should do that. Thank you.”
“Sure.” I shrugged, tensing when she put her arm around me and hugged. She squeezed me hard, and my eyes closed. She smelled like a spicy perfume, and her clothes were soft. Theo had hugged me recently, and besides him, it had been years. And two Sanders children hugged me, and I liked it.
“Okay, it’s on, Emily. It’ll be good.” He stood with his hands on his trim hips, his face set in worry as he addressed us. “Audrey offered to either drive with you or drive you home. What would you prefer?”
“She can drive, please.”
“And you’re good to drive still?” Theo asked me, his lips pressing together.
I nodded. “I’ll get her home. Go pick up your siblings. I’ll just Uber home.”
“No,” he barked out before shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I meant, please don’t. I’ll drive you once I get them all fed. Don’t take a rideshare.”
“It’s no big deal. It’ll be like ten dollars.”
“Audrey, I’m begging you, let me take you to your car. Don’t leave. Promise?”
How could I not agree when Emily leaned into me and Theo stared at me with wide eyes? “Okay, I’ll wait for you.”
He sighed in relief and took off, leaving me with his sister. I wasn’t sure why Theo wanted me to wait, but I would.
Even though it blurred the lines between us, I was having a hard time staying away from him.