Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Lily
Still half-asleep, I instinctively reached out for Jaxon, only to find cold sheets where the warmth of him should have been.
A jolt of panic hit, and my breath caught as I sat up in a rush, clutching the bedsheet over my chest. If it hadn’t been for the rich scent of coffee drifting through the air that stirred me awake, I would have thought last night was a dream.
Having him here in my condo would take some getting used to. But I knew one thing for sure: Jaxon wasn’t Aiden.
My space was safe.
At least that was the mantra I kept repeating to myself until I looked up and noticed Jaxon leaning against the doorframe, one ankle crossed over the other, holding a cup of coffee in each hand.
He was the definition of too good to be true, the kind of handsome that made you forget your own name.
He stole my breath as my eyes did a slow, appreciative perusal from his bare feet, up his muscular denim-clad legs to where his jeans were left unzipped, exposing his black boxer briefs underneath.
If my body hadn’t come alive, taking in his exquisitely tanned torso and black ink, then the cheeky smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth would have lit the final match.
“Like what you see?” He asked with a lustful edge to his tone.
I hadn’t even realized I was biting my lip until it popped free from between my teeth. “Hmm?”
“You’re awake.” His eyes dipped to where I clutched the bedsheet.
“And I was looking forward to waking up in your arms,” I retorted, dropping said sheet.
Shocking, not just him, with my brazen newfound confidence.
Jaxon closed the distance between us, placed the two mugs on my bedside table, and leaned down over me.
With passionate, hooded eyes, he slid his hand up my neck, framing my jaw, and brushed his thumb across my bottom lip.
The warmth of his breath ghosted over me, pulling me under a euphoric spell that only intensified tenfold to the point of dizzying when he slid his tongue along the seam of mine, tasting, teasing, before giving me a kiss that made my heart soar to epic heights, and my toes curl.
A kiss full of passion and longing that quickly turned feverish as I tugged him closer and scraped my nails down the bare, taut muscles on his back.
“Does my girl need an orgasm before work?”
“Yes.” There was no hiding my shameless need.
With lightning-fast reflexes, he ripped the bedsheet away from the rest of my body, leaving me caged between his legs on my back while he nipped a path down my neck and across my collarbone, leaving a delicious ripple of goose bumps in his wake.
“Fingers, tongue, or both.” He alternated between licking and sucking a path down between my breasts.
“You. I want your—” I was so turned on and lost, drowning in a pool of yearning.
“My what?” He sucked one of my nipples so hard between his lips that I was sure it would leave a mark, and I secretly loved it.
“You. I want to feel you inside me.”
“Lily,” he murmured, continuing to kiss his way down my stomach.
I parted my legs. “It should’ve always been you. Please.” I hated how emotional I sounded, while my heart broke with immense guilt with each shaky breath I took.
While Jaxon had thought the worst might have happened to me, I couldn’t say the same. I knew he was back here, mourning me. Actually, it was far worse. Until I moved to Rockwood and learned he was single, my mind had convinced itself he had moved on and was possibly even married with a family.
The memory of it all was too real.
For years, I’d allowed my thoughts to create a narrative that ultimately shattered me, leaving me emotionally destroyed. It felt as if my soul had been ripped from my body, leaving my heart to beat a rhythm that no longer felt familiar. I was hollow, numb, and irrevocably lost.
Tears started silently spilling down the sides of my cheeks as I tucked my lips between my teeth in a valiant effort to stay quiet.
“There isn’t enough time before work, but soon, I promise you soon, because I can’t wait to make you mine. I need you so bad, Lils.”
I tried to swallow my emotions, but the heaviness of my heartache clawed its way up my throat, and before I could stop it, a sharp, broken sob punctured the air.
In an instant, Jaxon abandoned the spot he’d nestled into between my legs and launched himself up the bed toward me. His eyes searched mine while his lips parted with concern buried beneath questions that had me scrunching my eyes closed and trying to shield my face from him with my hands.
Jaxon slipped his hands tenderly under my body, lifting me into the safety of his arms, centered sideways across his lap, cradling my fragile body, which shook uncontrollably in a fit of hysteria as he covered me with a blanket.
“I’ve got you, Lily. I’ve got you.” His voice was soft and sincere.
I knew he intended his words to help soothe me, but I felt myself slipping into darkness.
I clung tightly to his biceps wrapped around my chest as fresh tears spilled onto his skin where my nails were seeking anchor.
His other hand moved in slow, soothing strokes up and down my back, trying to ground me from the center of the storm that was bearing down on me with relentless force.
I tried to mentally run through the five-senses grounding technique I practiced when these feelings hit, naming what I could see, touch, hear, smell, and taste, but I failed miserably.
Spiraling into a darkened, unforgiving abyss.
Overcome with sorrow, cursing myself and my decisions. The pain bestowed upon me was my karma for all the grief, anger, and pain I’d caused Jaxon.
I didn’t deserve his compassion.
I didn’t know how to accept it with grace when he offered his forgiveness freely, like I hadn’t left a brutal scar slashed across his heart.
The weight of it all stole my breath, gripping my throat with mighty vengeance, pressing down until I couldn’t see.
My room blurred, and my ears filled with static.
My world was slipping through my fingers faster than I could comprehend, as my lifeline, wrapped in skin and blanketed in warmth, shifted. With one arm wrapped firmly around my waist and his other under my thighs, I was weightless, floating hurriedly with purpose.
I knew without opening my eyes where he was taking me.
A place that was ours.
A place that didn’t make sense, but once provided a safe refuge to express my fears, free from the inevitable look of sorrow, pity, and hurt that I knew would be evident on his face if I stepped into the light under the heavy weight of my confessions.
I’d felt so brave, strong, and renewed jumping out of that plane, and now all that perspective was a jumbled mess of puzzle pieces scattered all over my brain like rubble weighing me down, threatening my efforts as I tried clawing my way back to the surface.
Jaxon’s reassuring voice sounded worlds away, but with him by my side, I’d always fight.
Fight for him.
Fight for us.
Trauma took on many faceless shapes. It was a powerful menace, surfacing without permission when we least expected or felt equipped to handle it. Blindsiding us with unspeakable sorrow. Magnifying our worries to the point we could easily doubt our strength and ability to come out on the other side.
Brushing it under the carpet only worked for so long before you needed to acknowledge and accept it would always be a part of you. Part of your story. But that didn’t mean I owed it any power over me going forward.
I was in control.
The battleships waging a war over my psyche, trying to hold me back and pull me further under, needed to surrender. I was stronger than this. I dug deep, knowing that without the past anguish, I wouldn’t be where I was now. I wouldn’t be here with the man I trusted with every fiber of my being.
The love of my life, I’d willingly give my everything for.
The one person who deserved all the rawness of my truth.
The only man I trusted to handle the broken pieces of me with care.
I had no idea how much time had passed by the time I found my voice.
“Hiding in the closet used to be our place, the spot we’d hide so I didn’t get caught by your parents or brothers when I needed to leave my house in the middle of the night to escape hearing my parents fight.
Sometimes it felt silly and didn’t always make sense, but you gave me a safe place to be, even though the reality was, wherever you were, was my safe place.
” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
“What I didn’t know at the time was that you were giving me a connection.
A private gateway to you whenever I was sad, lonely, or scared. ”
Jaxon kissed the top of my head as his grip tightened around me.
“I started having panic attacks after my car accident. I didn’t know if the medication I was on triggered them or if it was all the internalized shame and guilt I tried to suppress, knocking me down a peg or two,” I confessed, leaning back and tucking my head under Jaxon’s chin as I placed my hand over his heart.
“There was a period of time when I got them a lot. My ex loved to berate me, said it was childish, and if I wanted to hide in a closet, he’d happily lock me in one. ”
Jaxon groaned with displeasure but didn’t say a word. I could only imagine what was filtering through his thoughts as I felt his jaw clench against my forehead, likely from grinding his teeth as he held back his feelings toward Aiden.
“He hurt me in ways that really broke my faith and trust in humanity. It made me guarded with my space and who I let into it. But with you, I don’t have those same concerns or worries.
You’ve never judged me or given me any reason to doubt you.
I got lost in my head earlier because I gave away something that was once yours. ”
“Lily,” he breathed my name softly, as if to say I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“I’m sorry, I can’t undo it.”
“Lily.” He framed the side of my face, tilting my chin up.
The sliver of light from the bifold closet doors allowed me just enough light to see his earnest eyes.
“We can’t undo the mistakes of the past, no matter how hard we try.
But we also can’t dwell on them because they have the power to eat us alive otherwise.
” His fingers threaded through my hair. “I promise you the first time we’re together, it will be like it’s the first time for both of us because I’m going to make sure of it.
” His thumb swept across my bottom lip. “Now, tell me something, did you ever give your heart away?”
“Never,” I said emphatically, leaving no room for doubt.
“Good, then you didn’t give anything of mine away.”
He sealed his mouth over mine and kissed me softly with care and love, quieting all the chaos in my head and drowning out the outside world, all the while showing me what it meant to truly have someone in your corner through the highs and lows.