Chapter 34
Payton
L ike two magnets, we rush toward each other in a mess of lips and limbs as he pulls me into his arms. The items we had both been holding were discarded somewhere along the way.
I cling to him like I never want to let him go, and he does the same. Our kisses become frantic, almost feral. It’s as if we had been apart for years and not just a matter of hours.
The moment our lips touch, everything else falls away. It’s only us. I’m so lost in this moment that I barely recognize that he lifted me into his arms and carried us to the couch, taking a seat so that I’m straddling his lap.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I chant over and over in between kisses.
“What?” He pulls back, holding my face in his hands. “Why are you sorry, baby?”
“I got scared. I ran earlier, and then I was even more scared when I pulled up and thought you weren’t here. Your truck was in the driveway, but no lights were on.”
“No,” he cuts me off. “I just got home. I couldn’t stand being here without you, so I went into work to distract myself, thinking that the time that passed would make it easier being here, but it wasn’t, so I left the lights off. But I was actually about to leave.”
My mouth gapes open, but he takes advantage and slams his lips against mine, stealing the breath from my lungs.
“I was coming to get you. To tell you that—” He pauses.
“Tell me what?”
“Fuck,” he exhales. “This wasn’t at all how I had planned to do this, but fuck it, no more secrets. No more waiting.”
I hold my breath as anxiety washes over me at what he has to say. Oh God, please don’t tell me I fucked this all up completely. But when he finally speaks, the breath leaves my body for an entirely different reason.
“I love you.”
“What?” I gasp.
“I love you,” he repeats. “This morning, I took off work not only to spend the day with you and Gabby before we came clean to everyone, but I had planned to tell you I love you. For some stupid reason, I thought it should be some elaborate event when I finally told a woman those words, but the time and place don’t matter.
All that matters is the person you’re telling them to.
I was terrified that after the shenanigans this morning, I missed out on my chance to tell you.
You don’t need to say it now, but I don’t want to go another moment without you knowing them. ”
I jump off his lap and head toward the front door, where I dropped my bag—more importantly, what is in said bag.
Movement out of the corner of my eyes causes me to pause.
Rhyland stands, panic lining his beautiful face.
Fuck, I didn’t think that through. Here he is, for the first time telling someone that he loves them, and they’re fucking running from them like the world is on fire. Great job, Pay.
“Wait, no, you stay right here.” My voice comes out slightly more demanding than I had originally planned. “Please.” My voice softens. “Just trust me.” A low chuckle slips from his smirking lips, but he complies and sits back down.
I quickly grab the bag, and as I make my way back to him, I pull out my diary.
His eyes drop to the book in my hands as I take a seat on the opposite side of the couch. “Is that…?”
“My diary? Yep. The exact one you gave me after Ollie had thrown my other one in the mud because he couldn’t break the lock on it. I was heartbroken over it.”
“I remember,” he breathes. “When you wouldn’t come out of your room that night for dinner, I tried to get Ollie to apologize, but he wouldn’t. So I went out and bought this for you.”
“Mom had apparently found it while cleaning out storage bins in the garage. I wanted to read you some excerpts I wrote that helped me realize something.”
“Okay.” He nods and turns his body toward mine. “But do you have to sit all the way over there?”
“Yes,” I giggle as I flip through the diary to the first flagged entry. “If you haven’t noticed, you are quite distracting.”
He places his hand on his chest dramatically as if to say, “Who, me?”
I roll my eyes and pull my legs up under me to get comfortable as I read the first entry.
“Dear Diary—”
Rhyland snickers from his seat and quickly covers his mouth with his palm.
“I’m sorry, I just…” He hesitates as if deciding his words carefully.
“This is a big moment. Ollie and I spent years wondering what on earth you wrote in there, and I guess I just never pictured you as a Dear Diary girl.” He puts his hands up in defense.
“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll remain quiet.
Please continue.” He follows it up with a damn panty-melting smile.
“Dear Diary,” I repeat, with a hint of false annoyance.
“Today was awful! Like stick a needle in my eye bad. Tommy Evans is stupid, and I hope he forever has cooties. I don’t think I’m ever going back to the community pool.
I’d rather sweat to death than have Tommy and his dumb friends make fun of me again for my boobs or, well, lack thereof.
It’s not my fault they haven’t come in yet.
I was drowning myself in a giant bowl of Cocoa Puffs when Rhyland walked in through the back door.
He was helping Dad, Archer, and Ollie do yardwork.
He’s been hanging out here more than usual, with it being summer break.
His dad is always working. I don’t mind, though.
Especially when he came in shirtless and sweaty.
He could totally be a model like the ones on those shopping bags.
I tried to hide my tears with my hair, but he forced me to talk. I was always powerless with him.
Rhyland called me beautiful. Okay, well, maybe he called my smile beautiful and said that I shouldn’t let any idiots take that away from me. Little does he know that I’d save all my smiles for him.
Talk Soon! Love, Payton.”
“I thought I loved Dear Diary, but nope, it’s the ending that is my favorite.”
“Hey, peanut gallery.” I jab his thigh with my toe. “Do you want me to continue or not?”
He nods, and I flip the page to the next bookmarked entry. Reading these entries today, I easily transport myself back in time. When I wrote these entries, I never planned on sharing them with anyone, especially the man who mainly centers around every entry.
This next entry is quite embarrassing.
“Dear Diary,
Movies lie! They show first kisses are perfect and not awkward.
I feel like he was trying to check my tonsils with his tongue, not to mention his breath tasted like the chili dog he had eaten just before.
GROSS! This isn’t something I can talk to Mom about without her making a big deal.
I thought I was going to die when she had to teach me about my period and tampons.
Maybe I can ask Matilda? Isn’t that what big sisters are for?
Although it’s kind of gross knowing that her advice would be from experience with my brother.
And where the heck were the fireworks or the famous movie foot pop?
I bet if Rhyland would have been my first kiss, there would have been both.
And since he is always chewing on those mints he loves, he would also have fresh breath.
Will I always compare every guy to him? I’m not dumb to think that one day he might kiss me besides my cheek or the top of my head, but hey, there’s always my dreams.
Talk Soon! Love, Payton.”
It’s funny to think that this version of myself never thought he would ever kiss me, yet here he is, confessing that he’s in love with me. Gah, if only my younger self had known the future.
This time in between entries, Rhy remains quiet, as if he’s taking in every word I wrote and trying to process them.
“Dear Diary,
Today is Ollie’s prom. Why am I wasting my breath to talk about it?
Well, that means it was also Rhyland’s. Ollie called himself a penguin and looked as comfortable as a stick in the mud in it.
Rhy, however, looked like Prince Charming.
He looked so good in a tux. I mean, he looks great in everything he wears, but this time—HOLY HOTNESS BATMAN! ”
I can hear his chuckle and feel his gaze, but I refuse to lift my eyes to meet his.
“For a moment, I allowed myself to pretend that he was here to take me to prom and we could have a total She’s All That moment where the ugly duckling turns into the hottie and gets the popular guy in the end. But then his date showed up, and I want to trip her in her stupid stripper-looking heels.
All I wanted to do was to get away and hide in my room.
But Mom wouldn’t let me. Couldn’t she see that my heart was breaking with every picture taken with his arm around her or every smile he gave in her direction?
I know I should get over my crush on him, but it’s not as easy as it sounds when I’ve basically spent my entire life in love with him.
Mom is calling me so we can go get pizza! I plan to eat my feelings.
Talk Soon! Love, Payton.”
I turn to the last flagged entry. This one is the most vulnerable of all my entries. It wasn’t long after this one that I had stopped writing.
I stare down at the words on the page, and tears fill my eyes.
“Hey,” Rhy says, closing the distance between us so that he is right beside me. He moves the diary to his lap so it’s face down. “You don’t need to keep going.”
I shake my head. “No, I can do it. This entry, though, it’s the last one but opens old wounds. But I want to read it to you, okay?”
He nods and hands me back the book. When he goes to move back to his spot on the couch, where I had told him to sit, I realize I don’t want him all the way over there.
I want him right here, so I reach out and grab his hand, keeping him by my side.
He flips our hands and links his fingers with mine.
I ignore the “Dear Diary” title because I’m sure he gets the point. I close my eyes and take a few calming, deep breaths.