Chapter 27 – #Twinsies
Tuesday – October 17, 2023
Tanner
Chastity looked up at me. “Can we go back to your island? It’s the perfect place to tell you my plan.”
I didn’t want to hear her plan. I wanted to go back to the fertility clinic and get my girl filled up to the brim. But Ash didn’t seem like she was going to budge in her decision. Seriously, what had she done? Was it another situation where she’d raped a doctor like she’d done with Dr. Lyons? I still had so many questions. I’d known Dr. Wang for years, and he’d never looked at me like that before...
“Pretty please,” said Chastity.
Ash smiled up at me.
I wanted to show her more of my world. “It’s boring to go to the same place twice. Let’s go to my vineyard instead.” I snapped my fingers and we appeared in the courtyard of my villa. Nigel was wearing lederhosen and picking grapes.
“Ugh, of course he had to be here,” said Chastity.
“He’s usually wherever I am,” I said. I thought she knew what a houseboy was?
“Wow,” said Ash as she stared out at the rows and rows of grapes growing. “How long have you owned a vineyard?”
“I bought it in the 80s.”
“Which 80s?”
I laughed. “The most recent one. I used to play football for Fiorentina.”
“Really?”
“Yup. We were pretty good too. We were the runners up to Juve in Serie A in 1982. We would have won the next year, but I had to quit for fear of getting found by DODO.”
“You should play again! Maybe you could join NY United.”
Hm. It had been years since I’d partaken in the gentlemen’s game. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a starter. I was a little busy trying to figure out how to find Ash her lesser true love. But I had some time to spare. Maybe I could buy the team and just attend a few practices or something.
“Okay, here’s the plan,” said Chastity. “We need to send Ash on tons of Society dates to interview prospective donors. Then if she approves of the boner donor, she’ll let them fill her at the end of the date. It’ll help Ash get a baby and she’ll probably find true love along the way. Easy peasy. Two dicks, one solution. Or one dick, two solutions? No, that doesn’t sound as much fun.”
That wasn’t a saying.
“And obviously it’ll end up being more like dozens of dicks...”
Ash groaned.
I turned to her. “Can’t we just go to a different fertility clinic?”
She shook her head. “No. My fertility journey is ruined. ”
“Isn’t it our fertility journey? And I’d really prefer if we go back...”
“My body my choice, buddy.”
“What is with all these strange sayings?” I asked.
Ash gave me a funny look. “I think a lot of people know that one. It’s a women’s thing.”
I shook my head. “The only popular saying I know about women is that they’re meant to be seen and not heard.”
Ash laughed. “No, that’s not right.”
Modern-day fluff. I mean...I might be free right now if it was her body but my choice. And maybe if she’d been seen and not heard at the fertility clinic we’d still be there. Although...it’s possible what she’d done was seen . Seriously, what had she done?
“What are you thinking?” asked Ash.
“Nothing. It’s fine if you don’t want to go back to the clinic. But if we do Chastity’s plan, we need to set some ground rules. I don’t want a repeat of Ireland.”
“Ireland?”
I cleared my throat. “Rule 1: You have one date to close the deal.” I didn’t want her going on tons of dates with the same guy. I wasn’t going to risk losing her. “Rule 2: No revealing my secret. Rule 3: Always tell me what you do.” I wanted to wipe these idiots’ memories after the dates if she fucked them. I didn’t want anyone to remember touching my girl. I would have wiped Ash’s memory too, but once my curse was lifted, the only thing she’d remember about other dicks was how inferior they were to mine.
“That’s a lot of rules...” Chastity started, but I cut her off .
“And rule 4: No dating my friends.” I needed to befriend Cole ASAP so Ash couldn’t bang him. I hated that piece of shit. “Oh, and I get to choose the guy.” I already had the perfect guy picked out. A good lad named Mike.
Chastity sighed. “That was a lot of rules, Mr. Control Freak. But fine. You can choose the first one. I get to choose next though.”
There would be no next time. I really did have the perfect guy in mind. The universe might think Mike was her lesser true love, but there was no way Ash would ever end up with him.
***
The next night, I slid into a booth at the Club Onyx restaurant with a baseball cap, a fake twirly mustache, and a football jersey. A stupid American football jersey. No one would ever suspect it was me.
Nigel sat down across from me in a disguise as well. He was dressed as his alter-ego Francois, the dangerous womanizing French waiter. He was wearing his waiter uniform, a fake mustache similar to mine, and a pair of fake glasses. His hair was gelled down to one side. Matt thought this costume made Nigel look like a French pervert. But in reality, it just made him look French.
We had a table with a view of the entire Club Onyx restaurant. It was the perfect place for us to spy on Ash’s date.
Chastity slid into the booth next to Nigel.
Nigel frowned and crossed his arms. “Why did you invite her ?”
“Don’t speak about me like I’m not here,” she said and adjusted her black wig. She was in disguise too. But it wasn’t nearly as awesome as Nigel’s or mine. She didn’t even look like she was trying that hard.
“And I’m here because this was my plan,” she said. “I’m here to support my bestie.”
“But we’re on a secret boys’ mission,” said Nigel. “No girls allowed.”
The two of them started bickering, but I wasn’t listening. Because Ash had just walked in and she looked fucking amazing. She was wearing a short red dress and matching red Odegaards. What the hell? Why was she so dressed up for another man?
Her dress was so short that I could see the top of her stockings every time she stepped forward. Fuck. It was like she was trying to torture me. She knew I’d been alive in the 40s when stockings were all the rage. She’d definitely worn them to drive me crazy. All I wanted to do was take her to the bathroom and tear those stockings off of her using only my teeth.
“She looks very nervous,” said Nigel.
She did look nervous.
“Should we abort mission, master? We could always send Frankie in her place.”
I shook my head. “Why would we do that?”
“So that Frankie can have the coitus instead,” said Nigel. “Like the cum dumpster she needs to be.”
What? “Where did you learn that phrase?” I liked it.
“The motion pictures.”
I nodded. “Very good indeed. But we don’t need anyone to have sex but Ash.”
“Sure, I guess. But I think Frankie really needs a good... ”
“Seriously, Nigella,” said Chastity. “What is with you and Frankie?”
“Nothing. I just think she could use more coitus. At least three times a day. The more men the merrier.”
He sounded like me at a fertility clinic.
“Too late for a last-minute substitute.” Chastity pointed toward the door.
Mike Smith had just walked in. He had crazy red hair and a matching mustache. I would have thought he was wearing a disguise, but that stache was all real.
Ash went in for a hug, but Mike gave her an exploding fist bump instead. And then he leaned on the hostess table and knocked it over.
I smiled. He was perfect.
“There’s no way he’s going to be her lesser true love,” said Chastity. “That dude is weird as hell.”
“Indeed. They’ll make a great match.”
“How?” She stared at me like I was crazy.
Did she seriously not see it? “Because they’re the same. They both have basic ass names. They’re both super awkward. And they’re both gingers.”
Chastity watched in horror as Mike and Ash made their way to their table. Mike tripped and caught the edge of a tablecloth, sending two diners’ dinners right onto the floor. Instead of apologizing, he just pretended it wasn’t him and caught up with Ash.
“Good Lord,” said Chastity. “They really are the same person. #Twinsies.”
“I know, right? They’re very compatible.” But obviously opposites were a better true love match. This was for sure lesser.
Ash and Mike sat down and started talking .
“Damn, we should have mic’d the table,” I said.
“Don’t worry, master, we can guess what they’re saying.” Nigel cleared his throat. And then when Ash started talking, Nigel filled in her words with what he assumed she was saying: “Oh, yes, my womb is very ready because of my favorite boy’s green juice.” His voice was very high-pitched while he mimicked her.
Chastity made a grossed out face. But then started filling in Mike’s reply in a deep voice. “I bet your womb is so ready for my sperm, baby.”
“Call me baby again,” Nigel said in his high-pitched voice.
“Baby, we’re going to make the most beautiful ginger babies.”
“How about you coitus me right on the table, you well-hung hunk.”
“You’re about to see how well-hung I am,” said Chastity. “I hope you love elephant trunk.”
Nigel’s eyes lit up. “I don’t think I could handle such a trunk.”
“Once you go trunk, you never go back.”
What the actual fuck were they talking about right now? “That’s not what they’re saying.”
“It might be,” said Nigel.
I shook my head. Mike and Ash had stopped talking. They were both awkwardly hiding behind their menus. “I’m not sure they have any chemistry.”
“Baby, we have so much chemistry,” Nigel said as soon as Ash started talking again.
“Are you ready to taste my trunk?” said Chasitity. “We’ll start slow. Just the tip.”
“I don’t know if I can handle it. ”
“I’ll be gentle with you.”
That definitely wasn’t what Mike and Ash were saying. But it was oddly turning me on.
“I need to go check on them,” I said. “Nigel, switch disguises with me.”
Nigel looked horrified. “But...Francois is moi alter-ego!”
“Please, Nigel. I need to know how the date is going.”
“Fine.” Nigel pulled out a suitcase and handed me a dress shirt and a wig. Then he took off his apron and handed it to me. “But don’t do anything weird to tarnish my reputation.”
I quickly changed my shirt and tied the apron behind my back. “Do I need a different stache?”
“No, that one will do. Chastain, adjust his wig please.”
Chastity helped me adjust my blonde afro wig. “There,” she said.
“Perfect. Thanks guys.” I hurried out of the booth and was just able to intercept their table before their real waiter got there.
“Bonjour,” I said, in a perfect French accent. “I’m Francois and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Can I start you off with a refreshment? The wine list here is fantastique.”
Ash looked up at me and her eyes grew round. “Wait...Tan...”
“Yes, I am tan. From my regular vacation at Saint-Tropez. Because I am French.”
She laughed. She seemed very relieved that I was there.
“Do you two know each other?” asked Mike.
“No, monsieur. I’ve never seen this gorgeous woman in my life. I’m Francois. Tell me your refreshment order now.”
“Um, okay,” said Mike. “We’ll have a bottle of red wine.”
“Good choice, monsieur. I’ll be right back.” With a bottle of white, you prick. I hadn’t purposely come over to sabotage the date. But they clearly had no chemistry. I’d fix this.
I came back with a bottle of white.
The two of them were talking about something. And Ash didn’t look nearly as happy as she had when I’d shown up at her table.
“Bonjour!” I yelled again to help cut through the awkwardness. “I have the refreshment you requested.” I poured them each a glass of white.
Mike didn’t correct me. Because of course he didn’t.
“And for your entrees?”
“Tan...” Ash started.
“I’m Francois!” I yelled.
Ash laughed and shook her head. “I’ll take the crabcakes, Francois .” She emphasized the name.
“That sounds great, I’ll have crabcakes too,” said Mike.
In your dreams. I hurried to the kitchen to get my girl a crabcake and whatever garbage I could find Mike.
I came back and placed Ash’s crabcake in front of her. And I placed two slices of a non-chocolate cake in front of Mike. Because chocolate was delicious and he didn’t deserve it .
“Um...” Mike’s voice trailed off.
“Oui,” I said. “Enjoy.”
“Um...this is dessert.”
“Yes, she ordered the crabcakes and you asked for two cakes.”
“No, I said I’d like the crabcakes too.”
“I thought you said two.”
“Too?” he asked.
“No, two.”
“We’re saying the same thing.”
“Oui. Enjoy.”
Ash laughed. She reached for her glass of wine and accidentally knocked it over. It spilled down the front of her dress.
I watched the drops of wine cascade between her breasts.
She pushed back from the table. “Excuse me.” She hurried to the bathroom.
I smiled. I should have known she could save herself from a bad date. I whistled all the way back to my table and sat down across from Nigel and Chastity.
“Here we go,” said Chastity.
What? I turned to see Mike get up from the table and head toward the bathrooms too.
“Coitus time,” said Nigel.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
“Are you unhappy with her match? Should I go find Frankie to replace her?” he asked.
“No.” I sighed. This was technically what I wanted to happen. Right? I drummed my hands on the table as I waited for it to be over. And I waited. And waited. Please let this be her lesser match. Because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of this.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked. “It’s been like 20 minutes.”
“They’re definitely fucking in the bathroom,” said Chastity.
“Yeah, I got that.”
“And a proper suitor should last more than 20 minutes, master,” said Nigel.
“Damn straight,” agreed Chastity.
Well I could make Ash cum in two minutes with just my tongue.
I took a deep breath and waited another few minutes. “I’m going to go see what’s going on.”
“Oh, I want to watch too,” said Nigel. “Scoot, Chastain. It’s a top-secret boys’ mission.”
“I’m coming too.” She slid out of the booth and we all headed toward the bathrooms.
“I’m not sure a woman should see what we’re about to see,” said Nigel.
Chastity laughed. “Trust me, Nigella, I’ve seen it all. I grew up in the 2000s.”
His eyes grew round.
I opened the door to the men’s room and peered in. “Huh. It’s empty.”
“The women’s room is locked,” said Chastity.
“Should I sword it?” asked Nigel.
“Excuse me?” said Chastity and looked down at the front of his pants.
“My sword.” Nigel pulled a sword out from behind his back .
“Put that away,” I said. He was going to scare away our patrons.
“Wait.” Chastity put her ear to the door. “Do you hear that?”
Nigel put his ear to the door too. “Oh, yes. They’re definitely coitus-ing in there.”
I ran my fingers through my hair. I knew this was going to happen. It’s what I wanted to happen. But it didn’t make it any easier.
“Don’t worry,” said Chastity. “His cock is pretty average.”
What?
She grabbed her phone and pulled up a picture of herself sucking a humungous cock with a little shock of red hair at the base.
“You call that average?! That thing is huge!” But not as big as mine.
“Huh, it does look pretty big there. But I swear it wasn’t that big. I’m just amazing at taking dick pics.”
When had she even blown this guy?
“Eh,” said Nigel. “Not very impressive.”
I knew I said I was okay with this. But maybe I needed more time. “I’m gonna break the door down,” I said and rolled my shoulders.
Just then some other girl walked out with messy hair.
What the hell?
“Plot twist,” said Chastity. She walked into the bathroom in search of Ash just as a guy walked out, adjusting his suit. A guy that wasn’t Mike.
I brushed past him to enter the women’s restroom too. But it was empty.
“Where the heck did Ash run off to?” asked Chastity as we walked back into the hall. “That slippery little devil.”
There was a rustling noise from one of the trashcans in the hall. The lid slowly rose. Ash was wearing it like a hat. “Pssst! Tanner! Help me!”
“What are you doing in a trashcan?!”
“Hiding.”
The lid on the other trashcan in the hall started to rise. Mike’s head popped out.
Ash and Mike locked eyes.
“Fuck my life,” said Ash.
I slammed the lid back down on Mike’s trashcan.
Nigel jumped up and sat down on it to make sure Mike couldn’t reappear for a bit.
I quickly helped Ash out of her trashcan. “Seriously, why did you choose there to hide?”
“It was the only option!” She brushed some trash off her shoulder and shuddered. “And I have my disinfectant ring. But I’m so dirty! Help me! Ah! Save me, Tanner!”
“I’ve got you.” I pulled her out of the restaurant and to the elevators. We’d go to the apartment I had in the Caldwell Hotel beneath Club Onyx. I hit the button for the elevators.
The doors slid open and Cole was standing there.
God, this fucking day.
“Hey,” Cole said with a smile, his eyes solely trained on Ash. And then his eyes traveled down her chest where the wine had spilled. “Rough night?”
It looked like Ash just wanted to melt into the floor .
I ignored Cole, pulled Ash into the elevator, and hit the button for my floor.
I was pretty sure Cole said something else, but I wasn’t listening. I needed to befriend him. But right now wasn’t the moment. But would there ever be a good moment to talk to this prick? I turned to him and smiled as the doors parted. “Have a good night, lad.”
“Um...you too?”
I pulled Ash off the elevator, down the hall, and into my apartment. I ripped off her dress and snapped my fingers. Disinfectant wipes appeared in my hand. I was about to start wiping her off, but she stopped me.
“I need all natural ones. Paraben and sulfate free at least. For the baby.”
There is no baby! I snapped my fingers to get natural ones anyway and started wiping off her arms. “What happened? Why did you end up in the trashcan?”
“That guy was insane. There was no way I wanted him to be my boner donor.”
“Really?” I smiled. I hadn’t gone in to tonight thinking I’d interfere. And looking back at it, I wasn’t sure if I’d done it for her or for myself. “It seemed like you guys were kind of hitting it off...”
She sighed. “You know we weren’t. You witnessed our awkwardness. And you knowing what was happening was going to make me feel so weird…”
I grabbed her hand and wiped between her fingers. “Ash, you’re going to have to eventually. It’s the only way I can be free.” I wiped across the front of her chest.
She swallowed hard and looked up at me .
“And I thought you wanted a baby?” Tell me you want to wait to carry mine. It was one thing to share her with other men for a short time. It was another entirely to help raise someone else’s kid. It would be like sharing her with that random guy forever.
She couldn’t get pregnant. I’d made sure of that. But it still killed me that she even wanted to. I ran the disinfectant wipe down her stomach. “Have you changed your mind?”
“Nope, she wants that baby,” said Chastity.
Ash jumped.
I turned around. Where had she come from?
“You just picked terribly, Tanner. And we agreed I’d get to pick Ash’s next date. I have just the man in mind. And they’re going to make the cutest baby.”
I clenched the disinfectant wipe in my fist.
“Nope,” said Ash. “I can’t go on another date. I’m too awkward.”
“I’ll wear an earpiece and tell you exactly what to say,” said Chastity. “I guarantee his cock will be down your throat within the first 10 minutes of the date.”
Fuck my life.
“Gah, fine,” said Ash. “I guess that’s the only way I’m gonna get this baby.”
Not happening, baby.