Chapter 18
Elizabeth’s heart raced when Darcy, alone, called one morning later that week.
Anne, Georgiana, and Colonel Fitzwilliam had visited the previous day, so his presence was confusing.
She felt flushed but managed to mumble a greeting.
Her astonishment increased when Darcy took a seat, engaging in conversation with Lady Kendal and with Philip.
She had not seen him since the storm, and now she realised how much she had missed him and how much joy his mere presence brought her.
At the same time, she was tormented by his reason for calling.
Elizabeth could see he was as distressed as she was. How could they not be, when their lives were a raging storm with no expectation of a lull?
Eventually, after half an hour of turmoil, he said, “I have come to take my leave. I shall depart Brighton the day after tomorrow.”
He frowned at Elizabeth, holding his teacup tightly. Stunned, Elizabeth stared, her own cup of tea trembling in her hands.
“Oh, so soon? I hope you have no worrisome reason for such a hasty departure,” Lord Alveston said.
“If you remember, even when we were in London, I mentioned that I would only bring my sister and cousin and could stay no longer than a few days. I have already delayed longer than I intended.”
“Yes, I do remember that,” Lady Kendal said. “We shall regret your absence, but we wish you a safe journey. We hope to meet again soon.”
“Thank you. You are very kind. I have no fixed plans yet, so I am uncertain where I shall be in the next few months,” Darcy said, glancing briefly at Elizabeth again.
He rose and put his cup on the table. “Well, I must leave you now. I still have things to accomplish before my departure. I wish you all the best.”
He bowed politely and, with apparent uneasiness, glanced around again, then went to the door.
Before she could think it through, Elizabeth smiled nervously at the others and followed their guest outside.
“Mr Darcy!” she called as he was ready to mount.
He turned in disbelief.
“Miss Bennet…”
“I would like to tell you again that you will be missed. But I do understand the urgency of your decision. I would have done the same in your position,” she whispered.
He said nothing.
“Will you go to London? Or to Pemberley?”
“I am uncertain yet. I must leave Brighton. That is all I know.”
“Yes…”
He looked at her and his face lit up with a smile.
“Miss Bennet, I wish you all the best in the world. Please let me know if I ever may help you in any way. I shall always be available to assist you. That will never change.”
Her heart melted. “I do not doubt that, as I hope you know I wish you much joy.”
Their gazes lingered on each other for only a moment before he threw himself into the saddle and rode off down the lane.
She remained there, following him with her eyes, unable to move, burdened by an unbearable weight.
∞∞∞
As he rode away from Elizabeth, Darcy regretted that he had called on her. He should have just sent a note to the household. Her tearful eyes and her genuine turmoil were now his last memory of her.
He entered the house and took the stairs two at a time to his rooms, remaining there for most of the day. He did call on the Bennets and Gardiners to say goodbye, then had a farewell drink with Bingley and his wife.
Upon returning to the house, he locked himself in his room, apologising to his cousins and sister. There was nobody he wished to see or be with, except Elizabeth, and she was forbidden to him.
The next morning, before breakfast, the colonel entered Darcy’s room with barely a knock.
“Darcy, how are you? You made us all worry. Are you ill?”
“No, not at all. But thank you for your concern. My belongings are almost packed.”
“Good, good. May I help you with anything?” the colonel continued.
“No, thank you. All is well.”
“Then…do you have a little time to spare? For a discussion?”
“What is it, Richard?”
“Forgive me, but it is urgent. Anne would like a private conversation with you, and it cannot be delayed.”
“Anne? Is she unwell?”
“Nothing has happened. Do not worry. Well, something has happened, but she is perfectly well. She wishes to speak to you alone.”
Darcy rubbed his temples. Surely Anne wished to insist upon their wedding date, now that he was about to leave again.
And yet, he could not blame her; the present situation would only expose her to more speculation and arguments from her mother, the rest of their relatives, and society.
He could not abandon her with such a lack of consideration.
“Very well. I shall speak to her immediately, Richard.”
“Yes, well…I shall be here, waiting.”
∞∞∞
Elizabeth counted every hour until she estimated that Darcy would leave. She knew he had made the best decision, yet ice caged her chest and refused to release her. What if she did not see him again for years, if ever?
After his visit, she spent most of the day in the study, reviewing some of the ledgers from which she remembered nothing.
It was a good excuse for her to read the letter from Darcy with his instructions that he had offered her weeks before in London.
Her longing for him was so powerful that it turned into shame and guilt and kept her away from Lady Kendal and Philip.
Could she consider breaking her engagement? She admitted the temptation to elope with Darcy was frightening, even if it would ruin so many lives forever. She was appalled to realise that she had considered it, if only for a moment.
The following day she received no messages from either Georgiana or Anne, but she assumed they were all busy with Darcy’s journey.
She took Mary to visit their family, secretly hoping she would meet Darcy again, but she was disappointed.
She even wondered if she could dare call on Georgiana briefly, but she was too embarrassed to make such a bold gesture.
Eventually, she returned home, pretending she wished to take a nap. During dinner, she ate little. With every moment, she was painfully aware that it was Darcy’s last night in Brighton. Starting the next morning, he would be nowhere she would be able to see him.
She barely engaged in any conversation. Mary was in the middle of a debate with Philip and they were laughing, asking for Elizabeth’s opinion.
She had to apologise for wool-gathering but was not oblivious to the meaningful glances exchanged by her betrothed and his grandmother.
The evening progressed with increasing distress for Elizabeth, but she was reluctant to retire to her room before the others.
At Philip’s request, she played the pianoforte, then Mary followed her. Afterwards, they played cards. Every moment, her mind was flying to the place where Darcy was, imagining him alone in his chamber, preparing for his journey. For his escape.
Later than usual, Philip and Lady Kendal retired, so Elizabeth was free to go to her chamber. Mary said good night as well, and Elizabeth closed her door.
Once alone, she opened the balcony doors wide, then sat on a chair in front of them, staring out.
No breeze was blowing, and the air was suffocating. Elizabeth breathed deeply but the weight on her chest was as oppressive as the heat. The room seemed smaller than usual. She felt thirsty, but even two glasses of water did not quench her thirst.
Eventually, she escaped down the stairs, careful to make no noise as she closed the door behind her. Without a sound, she unlocked the door to the terrace and hurried along the path through the garden until she reached the beach. Only then, in the open air, did she feel uncaged.
The moon and the stars lit up the night sky and were mirrored in the still water. The stark beauty added further to her grief. What good was such perfection if there was nobody to share it with?
No, she was being unfair. There was someone to share it with, but not the one she desired. With him, with Darcy, she would have no chance to share anything more, to do anything, to enjoy anything. He was the only man in the world she longed for, but she had realised her desires too late.
The house was far behind her but still in sight. Elizabeth walked along the shore, then to the trees behind the beach.
She paced from the trees to the water and back, oblivious to her surroundings.
The sound of steps coming from the grove alarmed Elizabeth. The trees concealed the rider, and she considered running back to the cottage, but the moonlight revealed she had no reason to fear.
She brought her palm to her mouth, covering a cry, as he approached.
When he spied her, no words were spoken until they were only inches apart.
“You are here…” she whispered.
“I am.”
“Why? Are you not leaving?”
“I will. Tomorrow. Unless you wish otherwise.”
The statement shattered her. “How could I dare express a different wish from yesterday? It pains me to know that you came all the way here only to hear that.”
“I came hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Speak to you for only a moment.”
“But how did you know I would be here? I only left on a whim.”
“I did not know. I only wished to be somewhere near you. Perhaps I prayed you would take a night-time stroll. But it was more of a dream.”
“I am glad I have come,” she murmured.
“So am I. There is something of great importance that I must share with you.”
“Something of great importance? But why did you not come earlier to talk to me? You could have asked for me. Nobody would have denied our meeting. What if I never took this stroll?”
“I hoped. If you did not come, I would have called on you in the morning.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “You intended to stay here all night?”
“Yes. I even brought a blanket and some water,” he smiled, indicating the small bundle on the saddle.
“This is madness.”
“Not really. I could not sleep. I have not slept in many months.”
“What has happened?” she asked, licking her dry lips. The lump in her throat would not go away.
He glanced around, as if searching for unwanted eyes.