Chapter 13
Trigger
“Doc, how long until the sedative wears off?” I hear Mama ask with worry, her voice croaky, and I groan as a thumping, sharp pain flitters through my head, and he says, “Now,” before I feel someone touch my shoulder, and Doc says, “Trigger, brother, you with me?”
Bile rises, and I try to swallow it, the burning in my chest fucking suffocating me as everything hits me at once, and so much sadness flitters through me.
“Yeah,” I choke as visions of me placing my gun into my mouth hit me, and I squeeze my eyes tight, my heart shattering, my pain.
Fuck, I tried to commit suicide.
My wife was…
Fuck.
“Brother, I need you to open your eyes,” Doc rasps, and I squeeze them before opening, only to shut them quickly at the bright light, and Doc demands, “Tank turn the lights down,” and I try opening them again as the room looks dimmer and I recognize where I am instantly – the medical room at the clubhouse.
I lock eyes with Doc first, his red-rimmed, before I lock eyes with my dad, his eyes also red, and I have to look away and swallow hard as I look up at the ceiling.
“How you feeling brother?” Doc whispers.
I sarcastically laugh and croak, “Fucking fantastic.”
He sighs, but I don’t look at him as Mama snaps, “Less of the fucking attitude, Tyler. You tried to kill yourself, this isn’t a laughing matter.”
“Olive, get out,” Dad snaps, but Mama doesn’t listen, instead, she screams, “He tried to kill himself over that fucking cheating woman!”
“Olive!” Dad shouts in return, and I rasp, “She didn’t cheat…” gaining their attention.
Doc looks away, sadness clear as day over his features, so I know he knows, and I know for a fact that he’s found the proof I didn’t want to see. I was trying to take the easy way out, a way I want to take right now.
I feel like I can’t fucking breathe.
“Dirty?” I question, my throat fucking burning, but I ignore it.
“The footage from Clark’s has been refreshed since that date, so I’m trying to find any camera in the area,” Dirty states, and I turn my head to see him sitting next to the bed, his eyes also red-rimmed.
“Hospital records?” I question quietly while feeling Mama’s confused eyes on me.
“Internal tearing of the vaginal walls indicating rape, bruised ribs and side of her face cut, miscarriage, thirteen weeks,” he whispers, and my tears fucking fall.
She told me she tripped when I questioned her the next day, the side of her face was scraped and bruised.
I look up at the ceiling as Mama whispers, “No, she wasn’t, she…”
Dad cuts her off and states, “The day you were supposed to watch Cole so our son and his wife could have a date night, a night where Ash was going to announce she was pregnant, and you lied claiming to be ill, she was attacked outside of Clark’s by two men.
One sat on her back while the other raped her. ”
“No,” Mama chokes as I feel my tears trail down the side of my face, so much pain fucking filling me.
“I want to die, you should have let me die,” I sob, and Dirty grips my arm tightly.
“It gets worse, brother,” Doc whispers, and I look at him and demand, “How? How can it get worse than this? Than what I did after her ordeal, after she struggled to deal with it, to tell me?”
“Remember what Virginia said before you killed her?” he asks, and I frown.
“We are in love, and he’ll understand why I had to do it, why I orchestrated it!”
“No,” I choke, the memory hitting me, “Please no…”
“I’m so fucking sorry, brother,” Doc rasps, and I look back at the ceiling as my tears fall, and so much pain consumes me, I can’t breathe.
I want to die, she planned it. She wanted me and knew I’d fuck her if Ash pulled back from me.
She knew I’d want revenge, she knew I didn’t fuck around in high school and felt pressured into family life too early, watching my every fucking move and despite showing Ash all my love, she saw between the lines of someone struggling.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“You need to leave for a while,” I hear Anchor state, and I turn my head to see him sitting on the other hospital bed in the room, his eyes also red.
I swallow hard as Doc joins in and whispers, “A ride will do you good, will give you time to clear your head.”
I shake my head and deny, “No.”
“Please, Tyler,” Doc chokes, “You tried to kill yourself, I just got to you in time when I tackled you, otherwise your brain would have been splattered across your couch.”
“She was raped,” I whisper with complete heartbreak, “She lost our baby because she was raped and I-I… fuck…”
My body trembles with pain and sorrow. The need to end it all like a coward fills me, and Doc pleads, “Go for a ride, clear your head, try and sort your guilt out before you come back and win your wife back and never fucking let her go.”
“Do as he says Tyler,” Mama chokes, “We’ll help Ash with work and Cole but please, do this for her, for your son, do it for yourself because I don’t want to lose you.
And as much as she denies it, she doesn’t want to lose you either, she’s just hurt and rightfully so, but please, you need to leave. ”
I look up at the ceiling as my tears fall, and Dirty squeezes my arm and rasps, “Please, Tyler.”
I slowly walk towards Ashley’s shitty front door an hour later, my bike already packed up, ready for me to leave after I say goodbye to Cole, to my wife.
Dad said he’ll pick our son up and keep him for the night so Ash and I can talk, and with how Ashley left the clubhouse, she agreed for him to collect our son.
Albert mentioned she vomited before leaving and I’m definitely expecting a fight.
Even though my head is still pounding, my mouth sore from where Doc knocked the gun out of it, I’m here because she needs to know that I’m not running from her, that I’m going to clear my head so I can somehow come to terms with what I’ve done so I can win her back and always kneel before her.
I knock on her door, and it takes her a while, but when she opens it, my heart fucking breaks seeing the heartbreak etched on her face, the redness surrounding her eyes.
“Hi, pixie,” I choke as I lean my palms against the doorframe, trying to stop myself from grabbing hold of her.
She looks up at me in a trance before so much fucking anger takes over her features, anger that I know I deserve.
Her nostrils flare as she says, “Hi? That is all you can say is ‘hi’ after you yet again chose yourself over me, over your son?!”
“Pixie, I–” my words are cut off as my cheek stings from her slap as my head moves to the side, my headache throbbing, and I blink.
Fuck me, that hurt.
“Hi?! Fucking hi!?” she screams before she punches my chest, and I stand up straight, allowing her to let her anger out. “You come here and say hi when you just tried to kill yourself,” another punch, “ ‘Hi’ when you just tried to leave our son, our innocent son?”
She pounds her fists onto my chest, her sobs coming from her, as she cries, “You tried to leave us, to hurt us, how could you? How dare you?”
I quickly wrap my arms around her and pull her into me, and she struggles, still hitting me as she cries, “How could you, Tyler? How could you do this to us, to our son?”
My tears fall, and I choke, “I’m sorry, pixie, so sorry,” and she continues to try and hit, crying her heart out, and it breaks me.
“You're selfish!” she cries, “So goddamn selfish for doing this…”
She pulls back to hit me again, but I don’t let her get close enough for the punch. Instead, I grab the back of her neck and kiss her hard and fast, her pain fucking killing me, making me want to grab my gun again.
I can’t handle it, I can’t handle that I did this to her.
She doesn’t kiss me back at first, still trying to hit me, but as soon as I bite her bottom lip and pull it with my teeth, she groans and fucking finally kisses me back as she grabs my cut, pulling me towards her.
I swipe my tongue into her mouth as I lift her, one arm wrapped around her waist, my hand still on the back of her neck, keeping her close to me.
Ash wraps her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck, and I fucking swear, I feel at home again, like this is where I belong with her in my arms fucking always.
I blindly walk into her shitty ass apartment and slam the door shut with my foot before I blindly find my way to her room. The plans Dirty showed me when she rented the shithole showing the master at the end of the hallway.
I break the kiss when we reach her room to ensure it’s the right room then slam my lips back on hers again.
My tongue instantly tangling with hers and I lay us on her bed, my body on top of hers as I bring my hand down and lift the tank top she’s wearing before breaking the kiss again and pulling it off her head.
Ash reaches for her wedding ring on my chain and pulls me back down, our lips touching again, her taste, her smell consuming me.
I feel her hands go to my cut and push it down my shoulders, and I help her before throwing it, not giving a shit if it lands on the floor, despite it being sacred as her hands go to my shirt.
I break the kiss and grab it from behind, pulling it off and throwing it on the floor before laying my body back over hers and pressing my lips against hers yet again and she kisses me back with just as much need.
I groan as she nips my bottom lip before I slowly run my tongue down her chin and neck, sucking hard on her soft skin, ensuring to fucking mark her so that bastard sees it and stays the fuck away from her.
Doc has ensured he’ll keep him away from her before I slowly move my down her to her collar bone, gently sucking where my name is tattooed as I move my hand behind her back and unclip her bra and tear it down her arms and throw it blindly.
I take a nipple into my mouth instantly, her taste overwhelming me with how much I have missed her.
Ash runs her fingers through my hair and grabs it hard as I nip and suck her nipple before moving over to the other one, giving it just as much attention causing her to moan.
“Tyler…” She gasps, pushing her chest into my face.
Fuck me that is sexy.
Giving her nipple one last suck, I slowly kiss and nip her sexy body as I climb down her, my hands instantly going to the waist band of her jeans and she arches her back, pushing her body harder against my mouth.
I hook her panties as well and drag both jeans and panties down her luscious legs before throwing them away. Without giving her a chance to think this is wrong, that she’s cheating with her husband, I quickly spread her thighs and dive in, my mouth instantly going to her wet, juicy pussy.
“Ty,” she gasps as I cover her with my whole mouth, sucking, needing her taste before I wrap my lips around her small bud, sucking it hard and fast while thrusting two fingers inside her tight cunt.
Her walls instantly squeeze me, pulsing around my digits.
I moan against her clit as her body floods my hand with her arousal.
I suck her clit in intervals as I curl my fingers inside her and rub hard and fast before she detonates.
Her body tenses before her back arches, and she screams as her orgasm takes over her and her juices fill my mouth, making me moan and eat her like a man fucking starved, not allowing one drop to escape.
I give one last lick after a few minutes when she grips my hair and pulls hard before I stand and undo my jeans. Our eyes locking as her chest moves with her quick breathing.
Her cheeks are flushed, her hair fanning her pillows, and her legs are still spread wide, her pussy completely wet on show.
Fuck me, she is beautiful.
I lick my lips, needing her taste on me as I pull my jeans and boxers down before climbing over her body again.
Ash grabs her wedding ring and pulls me down to her again and our lips touch, our tongues instantly tangling, Ash tasting herself, moaning, as I blindly find her entrance.
My cock weeping at the tip wanting her and I slowly glide my hands up her arms, linking our fingers and placing them beside her head before I thrust forward, taking her in one go.
Her walls welcome me, wrapping around me like a vise as I lay my body flush with hers, finally fucking home.
Slowly, needing this to last because fuck, my balls are already heavy, I thrust my hips, making love to her as our kiss becomes slow, sexual and she squeezes my hands and wraps her legs around my waist, and it is fucking perfect.
I missed her so fucking much, and regret is a fucking bitch…
I swallow hard as I gently run my fingers through Ashley’s hair as she sleeps soundly five hours later.
Four times we had sex, the same amount of times we had sex in the year after her ordeal, when I believed she was cheating, when I…
Fuck.
I lean down and gently press my lips against her forehead, inhaling her vanilla and coconut scent, memorizing it.
Not once did she look at me with disgust, only love, longing, and sadness. Fuck, when she went for a shower, instead of trying to wash me off, instead of trying to wash her filth off as she calls it, she dragged me with her, where I made love to her against the shower wall.
I’m not stupid, though. I know she’ll regret it this morning, but I won’t be here for her to try and push me away. I’m going for a ride for a while, and Doc will ensure she and Cole are safe.
Fuck, I’m going to miss them, but maybe that is a good thing.
I need to leave so I can realize exactly what I have, to learn to deal with what I’ve done.
I take her in one more time as I gently stand and lay my shirt on the bottom of the bed for her, so she knows this isn’t goodbye, that we’re not getting a divorce, and I will be back for her and our son.
I put the note on top of it before I turn and leave, knowing I’ll change my mind if I don’t.
I walk out of her shitty apartment. Adamant to return, adamant to always put her first, adamant to fucking beg for forgiveness every single day, and hope she agrees because the other alternative, she won’t like…