Chapter 19
Ashley
I stare at the twinkly lights as I gently rub my stomach, the baby moving underneath my touch, giving me some sense of relaxation despite my mind wandering over and over about my conversation with Tyler at the office.
Am I surprised he found out I went to college and vet school, getting a job I loved after being home for not even a day?
No, not really, but I am surprised he got it from Cole?
A little bit, though, if what Ty said was true, Cole seemed a bit preoccupied when he told his dad where I was, and I’m inclined to believe him.
When we got home, Tyler followed me back on his bike, and Cole was still sitting on the floor with Olive watching him with a frown. Ginger was still staring back at him. Apparently he had moved but kept going back to that spot hoping to psych the cat out.
I’m beginning to worry about that boy, I tell you…
The baby moves again, and I smile slightly and rub over where he’s pushing against my hand.
Another boy, because of course the universe is determined for me to be surrounded by men but honestly, I’m just grateful he’s healthy.
My body tingles after a few moments on my own, and I swallow hard, not looking up.
“I love you so fucking much, my forever…”
His whispered words from when he built this gazebo and surprised me with it a few months after we got married come back to me.
My heart breaks at how easy everything was back then.
Even though I was pregnant and still a teenager, everything seemed so much easier.
I was na?ve, didn’t realize Ty’s fears, and was in my own little cocoon of bliss with the boy I loved so freaking much.
Every evening we would sit out here, me on his lap, my face in his neck while we spoke about our days, every fricking day. Until I was raped, until I lost our baby, and I, damn, I blamed him for it.
That thought is horrifying.
Is that why I pulled back? Because he wasn’t there?
I feel a warm blanket being placed over my shoulder, and I mumble, “Thanks,” as Ty takes a seat next to me, putting his arm on the back of the bench.
“Cole is out like a light with that damn cat snuggled up near his head,” he sighs, and I snort.
“Please fucking tell me you aren’t going to be bringing more animals home like Brit, pixie,” he pleads for confirmation and I look at him from beneath my eyelashes to see him stretching his neck, the tension clear as day.
We haven’t spoken much since we came home, just like I haven’t said anything about Dr. Chimes.
Instead, when I wouldn’t answer him, he kissed my forehead and mumbled that he was staying with me for the day to watch me in action – his words, not mine – and he did, with nothing but pride on his face.
Then he followed me home at the end of the day before ordering or more like had a prospect pick up some Indian for all three of us.
It felt like old times, and I hated it. Like I was giving in even though I know I’m not. I, I love him so goddamn much it hurts.
“I might,” I admit, Chance coming to mind, and Ty sighs as he drops his head back.
“Can you at least bring an animal home that doesn’t look like he wants to tear your eyeballs out?” he asks as I look his way, his light brown eyes sucking me in like they always do.
My eyes race between his, and instead of answering his question, I say, “I don’t know if going back to Dr. Chimes together is a good idea because I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you’ve done, what you’ve broken.”
“Pixie,” he whispers as he cups my cheek.
“How do you expect me to move past it all?” I ask, my voice breaking.
“I don’t,” he admits, “I know if you could forgive me, I would be kneeling before you for the rest of my life. I know it won’t be easy between us, that you’ll have trust issues but I can’t live without you, Ashley,” he leans forward and places a gentle kiss to my forehead before he says, “I have loved you since we were ten years old and you told Jack Nickles to go away when he pulled on your pigtails and I punched him for it. I gave you my heart and I don’t fucking want it back, Ash, I only want you.
I know, if we go to Dr. Chimes, we can get everything out on the table, fucking everything with her buffering between us.
That we can begin to heal, not separately but together because life without you, it isn’t worth living. ”
My tears fall as I grip his cut.
How can he be so sure?
He slept with another woman, not once, not twice, but at least thirty times, and yet he’s adamant we can move on from it?
How?
I shake my head before sobbing, “You hurt me, Ty. How can we move past that? You’re the one person in my life I thought I always had, but you hurt me more than anyone ever has, and I can’t breathe, Tyler, I can’t fricking breathe.”
“Fuck,” he chokes before he leans down and places his arm underneath my legs and one behind my back before he lifts me, placing me sideways on his lap as he holds me tightly to him.
“I’m sorry, pixie, I’m so goddamn sorry for everything,” he rasps, and I cry as I place my face into his neck, my whole body shaking with my sobs, causing him to hold me tighter.
For nearly two years I have tried to keep it together, trying to be strong for Cole.
Heck, even before that after I was attacked, after I was raped and lost our baby, I was trying to be strong but there is only so much someone can take and the fact that Tyler won’t give up, I can’t keep my emotions in any longer, the pain too much to handle.
“Please, pixie,” he chokes, “come back to therapy with me, please…”
***
The next day we sit in therapy and I try to anticipate the way I'll react to Dr. Chimes pushing at my walls.
“It’s good to see you both here together again,” Dr. Chimes says as she looks between Ty and me, and I swallow hard.
I didn’t want to come, but after I passed out crying in Ty’s arms last night and he clearly carried me to bed. I woke with his shirt on me and him watching me sleep like a creeper leaning against the doorframe.
He asked me one more time, more like begged, and I agreed, though I’m regretting it now because this session is going to fricking suck.
It’s going to hurt, we both know it, and whereas my husband thinks we’ll be able to move past opening this big giant wound, I know it will tear us even further apart to the point I don’t even know if I’ll want to even look at him.
“Thank you for seeing us both on such short notice,” Ty says from beside me, his hand coming to my knee, giving it a little squeeze when I bounce it with nerves.
Dr. Chimes nods as she looks my way and asks, “How are you feeling, Ashley?”
I swallow hard again and admit, “Like this is one big mistake.”
Ty doesn’t say anything as Dr. Chimes questions, “Why?”
I chew my bottom lip as I grip Ty’s hand.
He tightens his own grip, thinking maybe I’m about to shove his touch away, but instead I hold the top of his hand tightly using his strength I currently lack and say, “Because opening this kind of wound after he’s been gone for five months might destroy whatever co-parenting relationship we could potentially have because Cole is all that matters in this scenario.
The baby, he doesn’t know any different.
Cole, however, does and he has been through too much already where me and his father are concerned, especially believing he wasn’t wanted. ”
Dr. Chimes nods as she looks at Ty and mentions, “In the five months Ashley has come to see me, not once has she mentioned why you left so suddenly. Why don’t we begin the session by explaining what happened to help Ashley ease into this?”
Tyler’s hand tightens, and I tear up as he chokes, “I tried to kill myself,” shocking Dr. Chimes, her kind eyes widening, and I look down at his tattooed hand, his wedding ring still in place, taking my whole focus.
Tyler takes a deep breath and explains, “After Ash finally confessed what happened, why she backed away from me, why she couldn’t let me touch her, I realized just how much I messed up.
I realized that deep down, I allowed my resentment towards her for not allowing us to live before settling down, resentment towards my own son, blind me from what was really going on.
I allowed myself to believe she cheated to give me an excuse to find out what I was missing, which was nothing.
I was missing nothing because the only girl I thought about was my wife.
If I came to and realized who I was fucking, I pulled back instantly, and the guilt…
Fuck. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my whole world was tumbling around me at how hard I had messed up, at who I hurt so I drove home recklessly after that session and put my gun in my mouth,” he clears his throat as my tears fall, “If my best friend, my president, hadn’t had seen me speed through the gates, if he hadn’t followed me and tackled me when I had my finger on the trigger, I would be dead right now. ”
I choke on a sob and his grip tightens further as he continues, “When I came to, I was in the club’s medical room with my brothers surrounding me, begging me to leave, to take a ride for a few weeks and I declined.
But they knew if I stayed I would have carried out my plan because the pain was too much to handle. ”
I bite down hard on my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to scream at him, to call him selfish. I’ve already done that once, he doesn’t need to hear it again, not right now.
“And you agreed in the end to leave…” Dr. Chimes confirms.
“I did,” he agrees, “I first had to see Ashley before I left, and the emotions, well, they were high, and she was mad, angry, and rightfully so after hearing what I did. What I tried to do and it was the night we created our third child,” I flinch, hating that I couldn’t save our fallen angel and he sighs, “I left her a note, explaining that I would be back soon, I went and had a tearful goodbye with my son, promising to keep in touch, and I rode out.”