Chapter 14
14
He mulled that thought over as they headed back to the hotel after a full afternoon of shopping. She’d bought some colorful beach towels, a little black bikini he was eager to see on her, and some pretty sundresses. He got a new pair of Oakleys and a pair of swim trunks with palm trees on them.
He exhaled softly. Not much scared him, but the thought of being away from Sadie made his gut clench hard and his heart squeeze even harder. He had a taste of that when he’d snapped at her, irritated by the way she was acting, not that helping out was demeaning in any way, but the reason for her feeling the need to do it. He’d spent several nights without her body close to him in miserable remorse for not finding a softer way to communicate with her. Especially after she’d been so gentle and careful with him. He had to admit that sometimes he was a bull in a china shop, and he wasn’t aware of what he was doing until he saw all that broken porcelain.
She made him think about these things and adjust to them. It was just part of how he was opening his heart. It all paid off…the air was cleaner, the colors brighter, the smells sweeter. He suddenly realized there was more to life than war, and he needed her in his life.
When he looked over at her, her face was pinched and her eyes clouded with fear, confusion, and apprehension. He hated that.
But as he was preoccupied with his own thoughts, feelings, and issues, he never let down his guard. He was vigilant, and it pissed him off to no end that this couldn’t be a carefree outing for them to completely relax into what he was beginning to understand was something so goddamn special with Sadie. It’s no wonder she had men vying for her affections.
Sadie was someone who saw him as he was, understood him with immense compassion, helped and encouraged him with infinite patience, and always willing to support him and know when to let him be and make his own connections. He had to admit, she’d opened his heart because her heart was so open, showing him how to be more deeply and richly human.
Which meant that sorting out his feelings and experiences during his near-death experience through brute force wasn’t working, so it was time to tap into his softer side, his more vulnerable side, a part of him he’d closed off to get through all the hard times during his childhood, and to do the job he did effectively. But that left nothing for when he was home, left nothing for a significant other, or anything to relieve the terrible pressure that had been building. It was no wonder his emotions were getting expressed in panic attacks.
But now he had a pressure relief valve, and she was beautiful, complex, smart, strong, and courageous.
His Sadie.
They passed a tucked-in little cove that was obscured from view. He rolled his shoulders and noted the sun was setting over the ocean, the hazy orange, purple, and red smudges underscoring the distant horizon. The only reason he knew it was there was because he’d been to Bali before and discovered it. Not only did it have a breathtaking view, but it was a great place to do things without prying eyes. They were completely alone, and he was sure of it. He grasped her hand and changed direction.
She stumbled a bit, but it wiped that look off her face. He caught her as she chuckled. “Okay, we’re changing direction. Thanks for the heads up,” she said sarcastically.
“I’m an unpredictable guy,” he murmured, loving her tone.
“You are a battering ram.” Her tone was nothing but affectionate. “Where are you taking me?” she asked as they slipped down a small hill, then turned toward another steeper path.
“To paradise,” he said, and she laughed softly.
“Well, that’s vague. You’ve taken me to paradise so many times in the last couple of weeks.” She wiggled her brows, and he laughed.
“Fair enough. But this really is paradise.” No doubt Bali was a beautiful island with lush countryside, a central ridge of active and dormant volcanoes, black and white sandy beaches, and wild, rolling hills, but this spot was exceptional. They got to the bottom of the hill and rounded a tall outcropping, and there it was.
Sadie gasped, her breath slowly releasing as she took in the gorgeous view. Crystal clear water, powdery white sand dotted with palm trees swaying in the warm, gentle breeze, hills of greenery both to the left of them and behind them hemmed in the horseshoe cove, giving it an intimate feel. The fading sun cast a shadowed hue over the sand, turning it a purplish-pink color.
With his hand on the small of her back, he urged her onto the sand.
“This is so breathtaking,” she murmured.
He leaned down and whispered in her ear, his voice low and raspy, “Let’s skinny dip.”
She shivered, and her response made him smile. “Just what I was thinking.” The air was balmy, as it never really got cold in Bali. The water would be the perfect temperature, and the thought of immersing himself in it with her was way too appealing. Her reaction was even more so, tugging at his heart, but Sadie did that often, mostly without even trying. He wanted her worries to melt away, especially when she was preoccupied with that whole Burton/Mercer issue. This was all about pleasure and simply enjoying each other.
Tapping into his emotions had already begun, mostly with the idea of their separating after this mission was over, and was scaring him senseless.He closed his eyes, the thought forming, but he wasn’t quite ready to say it out loud, I’m not used to needing anyone, but I need you.
Playing it off didn’t appeal to him, and brutal honesty, albeit warranted…well, he wasn’t quite ready for that one himself. So, when she remained silent, he took that cue and remained silent, too. They walked to a spot on the sand that was far enough from the surf, the water calm but still making that soothing whooshing sound that he loved, the rising moon flitting between breaks in the clouds.
Twister absently rubbed his thumb against the silky skin of her back, and the moon chose that moment to blink through the night clouds, illuminating her face. She wasn’t smiling or frowning. She looked…contemplative. Normally such a look would make him want to know what she was thinking, and part of him didn’t.
“Come here,” he murmured, tugging at her as he turned his body into hers.
“Hmmm, you are really full of unpredictable surprises…in a very, very good way,” she said, willingly sliding into his arms as he pulled her right up against him. He loved how easily they did that, framed each other. So effortless, so damn good. “What’s going through that quick mind?” he asked, pressing his forehead to hers.
“Mmm,” she hummed, kissing his chin, then rubbing her cheek on his stubble. “Just how much I want to see your heavily muscled body in the moonlight.” She sighed a little, then, and the smile that had begun to curve his lips tripped up some, her words turning him on. “I just want to feel,” she said. “Touch, taste, sound, smell…” She tipped her head back and looked up between the tall trunks of the palms at the sky above, but the moon was swallowed up again, leaving her upturned face in deep shadow. “This is the perfect setting for that, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to do that with anyone but you, Shane.”
Words crowded his mind in a heated and chaotic jumble. He considered so many options, but nothing seemed to emerge. He knew what needed to be said, knew what he needed to say, but tonight, as she said, was just the time to experience the moment in its quiet glory.
The moon peeked out again, casting a silvery gleam on the water, and the water came alive with a glowing sheen all the way to the sandy bottom, where shapes moved in and out of the luminescence with darting, vibrant color.
He let her go, and she reached for the buttons on his shirt, slipping each through the hole until she slid her hands across his aching skin and pushed the shirt off his shoulders. She reached for the waistband of his shorts and undid the bindings. Her hands went to his hips to push everything down to his ankles, where he stepped out of them.
She turned, lifting her shining hair, variegated in the moonlight into shades of gold, to give him access to the zipper to her dress. With trembling fingers, he pulled the zipper down, allowing his fingers to caress her back all the way down to the base of her spine.
He bent down and kissed the nape of her neck and got that same shiver reaction. Pushing the dress off her, she turned and slipped out of her underwear.
He straightened and looked at her in the faint light, his heart missing a beat as a sudden ache jammed up his throat. She was so ethereal, like liquid silver. His pulse was much more turbulent than the slow, undulating waves.
She slipped her hand into his, their steps gradual and slow as they strolled toward the water. Twister absently rubbed his thumb along the side of her hand and wrist, feeling the steady way her heart beat.
The water was warm when they reached the surf’s edge, the sand squishing between his toes. They walked until they were immersed up to their waists, a fair way from the beach, taking in every sensation, the liquid feel of the water on his heated body, the breeze gently blowing around them, lifting her hair away from the perfect oval of her face, those amber eyes and the thick pale lashes fringing them. The long column of her throat, the perfect indentation between her collar bones, her swelling breasts and nipped-in waist with the tantalizing shadow between her toned, shapely legs.
“Shane,” she whispered softly, in a tone that heightened the enormity of his feelings, the memory of her comfort and support during his panic attacks flooding over him and every moment in between. Experiencing a heavy rush, he clenched his jaw, his whole body responding to those memories, going still as the tension leapt between them. It was almost as if she’d touched him, caressing him in the most intimate way. She flattened her palms against his chest, her breathing soft and slow. “Make love to me in this paradise and make reality go away for just a little while.”
Their eyes met and his heart nearly stalled. Never in his life had anyone looked at him like that—as if she could devour him and cherish him at the same time.
He groaned softly at her words, the way she pressed herself against him, locking her arms around his neck, her breath catching when her breasts crushed against his chest, his muscles flexing at the pleasure in her voice.
He’d never known this kind of passion, this fever of need, this raw, urgent hunger, and he gave himself up to the frenzied sensations, knowing that Sadie would never let him fall.
He grasped her waist and lifted her until she wrapped her legs around his waist, the water making a crashing sound. Pelvis against pelvis, he held her fast, his body a steadfast, immovable pillar for her to ride as he claimed her mouth, his thick hardness fused against her.
A sound was wrenched from her as Twister crushed her in a hard, fierce embrace, his hand roughly tangling in her loose hair, his other arm across her sweet ass to support her. Her breathing now out of control, her locked arms savage, he pulled her flush against him, needing her, needing more.
Hoarsely whispering her name, Twister locked his muscles. His heart pounding in tandem with hers, he brushed his mouth across hers, and the surge of raw, intense energy was like being caught in a lightning bolt.
Sadie lifted herself higher and opened her mouth, kissing him as if it was her last. Twister shuddered, grinding his mouth against hers as he crushed her even tighter.
Everything he had been before Sadie incinerated in the flashing heat of her, and his life took a sudden, unexpected path, one he had never anticipated, one that had been so shadowed by his own walls and locked gates. Making a low sound of revelation, his breathing raw and labored, he groaned against her mouth when his dick rubbed a path to her core.
Sadie locked her arms harder around his neck, her breath catching, her body curving toward his. Roughly changing the angle of his mouth, Twister thrust against her, and the pulsating heaviness in his groin intensified. Desperate for more, Twister widened his stance, his body rock hard, his muscles flexing in his legs, arms, and ass to keep himself anchored in a rush of searing strength and rock-hard determination.
She thrust against him, his dick slipping into her, and he was blinded by sensation, growling out her name. He pulled out and shoved back in again, every thrust pushing them higher and higher, until she stiffened against him, her body spasming. At that moment, he turned toward the shore and waded to the beach where he carefully placed her onto her back in the wet sand. He withdrew and surged back into her, again and again, long, hard strokes that increased in power, strength, and depth.
She met him thrust for thrust, moving in perfect rhythm with him as he pumped into her, the ocean lapping across their naked torsos, brushing over her nipples, sliding across his skin, drenching his hair and dripping off his jaw. She slid her hands down the slope of his back, her fingers pressed hard into muscle and flesh as she dragged him closer, deeper, with every fluid stroke. The sand was grainy against his knees, softening with each wave that hit the shore and buoyed them.
It didn’t take long for the heat coiling hard in his cock and belly to spiral and spiral until he came. “Look at me, babe,” he rasped out, and her lashes fluttered open, and she met his gaze, whimpering helplessly as she started to come again, slapping her palms to the sand and arching her back with a strangled cry of pure pleasure that spiraled out into the night.
This time her orgasm triggered his own, and he followed her right over the edge with a rough, guttural groan. His climax was scorching hot, an unbridled surrender of body and soul that left him shaken and stretched across her limp, sated form, his face pressed against her wet neck as he struggled to come back to his senses.
When he did, there were soft, slow kisses as the water continued to slide like silk over them, then it was back up to their belongings, still touching and kissing until they dried off and got dressed. Once they were back at the hotel, there was more unbridled passion in the shower, then to bed, snuggling up to each other.
He pressed a kiss to her temple, then slid his fingers along her scalp, cradling her head in his firm grip. The heavy, silky weight of her hair tangled around his fingers, the loose fall like satin down her back, and Twister closed his eyes and hugged her hard, a swell of emotion making his chest tighten, stunned by how much she filled that hole in him.
She took a soft breath as he soothed one hand across her hips and up her back, molding her tightly against him. Easing in a tight breath of his own, he brushed a kiss against her neck, then said, “I’m sorry I hurt you, Sadie. I can’t say it won’t ever happen again, I’m sometimes caught up in my own strong emotions, but I’ll do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen.”
“Thank you, but I’m glad you pointed that out.” A tremor coursed through her, and Sadie dragged her arms free and slipped them around his neck. “I was…sleepwalking, I think, through life, trying to make everyone else’s dream come true, ignorant of my needs and desires. You opened my eyes, and I’m grateful for that.”
Twister drew an unsteady breath and angled her head back, making a low, indistinguishable sound as he covered her mouth in a kiss that was raw with emotion, governed by the need to comfort and reassure, and Sadie yielded to his deep, comforting kiss. Twister slid his hand along her jaw, his calloused fingers snagging in the long, silky strands of her hair as he altered the angle of her head. She moved closer to him, and he released a breath, tightening his hold, a fever of emotion sluicing through him.
When that rush passed, he looked down at her. She looked mussed and thoroughly sated and as soft as velvet, that variegated honey hair a wild tangle around her face.
“Tell me about your father.”
That was a touchy subject with him, and he didn’t like talking about him. Suddenly, he wondered at the reluctance. Maybe it was because it made him so damn angry that he avoided it.
“Why do you want to know about him?” Twister asked, stalling, hoping she would drop the matter.
“I sense that he is the source of your pain.”
He stiffened but relaxed when she stroked his chest, her hand soothing and warm.
“Why?”
“You get this…inflection in your voice and you tense. What happened to make you so wary of talking about him?”
He closed his eyes, resistant to delve into his heart and his memory because there was deep, dark pain hidden behind a door he’d closed when he’d been very young, so that he could carry on with all the responsibilities that were piled on him. He’d learned to adapt because he had to.
When he opened them, she was watching him, quietly, patiently with a wealth of care, interest, and fascination in her eyes, and that intimacy washed through him, giving him a kind of feeling he’d never felt before. He’d already opened his heart to her, was already vulnerable, already committed, reciprocating her feelings. Now she was asking more, asking him to bare himself completely. But she had somehow known he struggled with how he felt about his dad.
“You can’t fix what’s broken, Sadie. As much as I love you for it. This is my shit to deal with.”
Touching his face gently, she smiled, and he loved the way she held his gaze and the intimacy unabashedly in her eyes. She stroked the curve of his tense jaw, and his anxiety melted away, letting his breath go as her strength, warmth, and promise enveloped him. “I’m well aware of that fact, you sweet man, but I’m not asking you so that I can fix your problems. I just want to be brave with you while you face whatever it is that is causing these panic attacks.”
“I don’t know what to say to that. I’ve never had that kind of offer.”
“Just tell me about him. Let your thoughts flow. You’re safe with me…always.”
He swallowed hard and looked away, his jaw clenched tight against the sudden ache in his throat and the full-to-bursting feeling that was clogging up his chest. He knew that.
It hit him hard that if he wanted to be with this woman in a future yet undefined, she deserved to know him inside and out, and he deserved to understand himself better. In the end, wasn’t that what it was all about? Why people gravitated toward each other, gave themselves over to relationships that were often tough, rich, and rewarding? Because of this.
“He’s a great man,” he said, trying to find the right words, his tone starting off neutral. “World-renowned heart surgeon, champion of the downtrodden, poor, and displaced, sought-after public speaker, and a father of four, the last two, twins.” He stared at her a moment, then looked away as he began toying with her hair. His voice gruff, a bitterness welling in him choked him for a moment. “A great man,” he murmured. “So great he decided to put the needs and plight of strangers before his own family. When I pointed that out, I was ignored, labeled a black sheep, and not exactly ostracized, but punished by him withholding his love.”
“Oh, Shane…”
The sympathy in her eyes made him automatically think it was pity, but it wasn’t. She wasn’t pitying him. On the contrary, she was empathizing with him. There was a big difference, and he finally realized that what he’d thought was weakness for so long was just the pain of his needs not being met when he’d been younger. Not owning his emotions had been the weakness, the fault he needed to overcome. “He betrayed us—” His voice broke, his eyes stinging with the memory of his father’s rejection, his censure, his judgment, and his attempts to control that boy who craved his father’s attention and love. He roughly massaged his eyes, then he hauled in a tight, unsteady breath. His voice raw with emotion, he continued. “He betrayed me . He was our father first and foremost, and I resented having to spend all my time as a child and teenager tending to their needs.” He gouged at his eyes again, trying to control the moisture that gathered along his lashes. “I know it’s petty, and it was cruel, but I let him think I was going to medical school to be just like him. I got good grades, got into an excellent college, then dumped it all and joined the Navy.” He drew another deep breath and dropped his hand. He was very sure his face showed all the raw emotions that were coming out of him on his exhaled breaths. He looked at her, his voice strained to the limit, and her attention, her direct stare bolstered him. “But it seemed I couldn’t escape completely because medicine attracted me, and I signed up to become a medic after BUD/S.”
“And service as well. You protect the innocent, downtrodden, and defenseless people in this world whenever you and your team encounter them. It’s part of your mission for Uncle Sam and for you personally.”
He nodded, his throat tight. “Yeah, he was right in that respect…it’s fulfilling when you experience it firsthand.”
“How does that all translate to Haiti?”
“I never wanted to be controlled, and the Navy isn’t about control. It’s about authority, and being a SEAL is completely voluntary. I could go back to the fleet at any time or separate. It’s always my choice. But the irony that’s hitting me right now is he’s been controlling me all this time. I swallowed his lie that service is everything, and when I thought I was going to die, it all felt so hollow, and I didn’t know how to process that. So, I did what I always do: deny my feelings even when I was so damned torn up inside, and I was having such a hell of a battle with feelings that I thought I’d buried years ago that I couldn’t put it all together.” His face felt ravaged with his torment. “Don’t be weak, Shane. Be a man, Shane.”
The pain she felt for him was evident in her eyes. She cupped his jaw. Her voice shaking with emotion, she said, “You’re only human, Shane.”
He nodded again. “I get that, babe, and the solution seems too easy.”
“It is easy and it’s always the answer. You can be whoever you want to be. Feel what you want to feel and move forward out of this trap. You know how to deal with it. You hit it head-on like you always do.”
“I understand that trapping my emotions, feelings, and needs beneath a wall of impenetrable armor doesn’t work. The mind finds a way to make you see what you’re missing, and I was missing so much, Sadie, by thinking that my life could only be defined by my service to a cause. What I was missing, what I was craving, what I needed…was this. You. It was a lost, precious, and intricate piece of the puzzle.”
He moved his body, and she snuggled closer to him. “You really mean that, don’t you?”
“Fuck, yeah!”
“All I want is for you to be just you because I really, really like that guy a lot.”
“Woman, you’re killing me.” She was untangling him down to his basics, stacking his building blocks for him within reach, and all he had to do was rebuild himself into the man he wanted to be, needed to be…for himself, for his father, and for her. Shifting her head, he covered her mouth in a deeply grateful kiss, and she opened to him, her mouth moving against his with a soft, soothing sweetness that squeezed his already battered heart.
“Yeah?” he said, possibilities and options flashing through his mind like bright lights. His heart rate was going really berserk and a crazy kind of hope was taking hold, and he grasped it with both hands. He should be careful, but a huge feeling burst in his chest, that same unbearable lightness zipping through him whenever he thought of being with Sadie full-time. To hell with caution. It was now, and he hoped it would be forever. “Enough to maybe see where this is going to go? Beyond Bali?”
“What?” she asked, her voice a slightly higher octave.