Chapter 20 #2
He pinned me with a sympathetic look. “That’s a completely normal and valid fear to have.
I won’t lie and say that it can’t cause problems, but it doesn’t have to.
If your partner is stable, either with medication, therapy or both, then the chances of them cheating aren’t any higher than for anyone else in a relationship. ”
Frustration lanced through me and I raked a hand through my hair.
“So what? Are you saying having a serious mental illness would have absolutely no effect on our relationship and we’d be just like everyone else?” I asked, bitter and sardonic.
“No, I’m saying that if someone were getting treatment and living a relatively healthy life despite their mental illness, they’d have just as good a chance as anyone else at a happy ending with the person they love.”
“What if I open myself back up to him and this disease breaks him…breaks us? I can’t go through this if I’m going to lose him again.”
I hated this so much, hated feeling so damn conflicted and terrified. Micah’s forehead creased and he drummed his fingers on the barter.
“Okay, I feel like I missed some chapters in this story. Start from the top and give it to me unplugged.”
I dropped my head back with an exhausted groan, but I was too mentally drained to put up any kind of fight. I unloaded everything that happened between me and Theo from the night of my party up until I spoke with Corvin today after practice.
“Well, shit,” Micah blurted once I finished talking. “I will say you’re a much better person than I am because if I’d caught Bash with someone else, that room would look like a scene from Saw.”
“Except I don’t really have a right to be angry at him for it. We weren’t together and he wasn’t exactly in his right mind that night...”
“Let me ask you something. Did Theo reassure you that it meant nothing and that he only wants you?”
“I mean, yeah…”
“Did he ever cheat when you guys first dated or give you any reason to worry?”
“No, never.”
“And he agreed to do whatever it takes to treat his disorder so this doesn’t happen again?”
“He did…”
Micah rolled his lips and eyed me warily. “So correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like that’s not the crux of the problem then. What is it that’s really bothering you?”
The question was a kick to the gut, forcing answers to the surface that I didn’t want to face. I wasn’t able to meet Micah’s eyes, but I could feel him watching me. My shirt collar felt tighter and my body grew warm under his scrutiny.
“Theo is the only one I’ve ever felt anything for.
He’s been my only crush, only kiss, only…
everything since we were kids. But I’m not his only anymore.
I know that’s unrealistic as fuck to think that when he moved away, he’d never be with anyone else, but he has and it hurts way fucking more than it has a right to.
And no matter what I do, I can’t stop this relentless voice that says I’m not enough for him anymore. ”
Micah’s face crumpled in sympathy. I felt raw and blistered, my stupid confession burning right through me.
“I understand. Really, I do. And I can’t tell you whether you’re enough for Theo because only he can do that and prove it to you.
It won’t be easy, but no relationship is.
It will take a lot of communication and trust, just like every other couple.
Also everyone experiences this disorder differently, so you can’t assume anything about how it will exactly affect him or your relationship. ”
“That doesn’t make sense. Aren’t the symptoms the same for everyone?”
“This isn’t a cookie cutter disease. Every person has different triggers, severity levels, cycles—yada yada.
The point is, don’t base your decisions and fears off of a checklist of symptoms or other people’s horror stories.
Base them off of Theo. His actions, his effort, his love for you. That should be the deciding factor.”
“I don’t know,” I sighed, exhaustion creeping up on me fast.
“If you want my advice—”
“It’s cute you say that like I have a choice,” I smirked weakly.
“You don’t, so shut up and listen,” Micah said teasingly. “If you really want to make it work with Theo, do your own research. Learn about his condition, explore ways to help him cope, try to understand him better so you can work together to help him fight this.”
“That’s actually solid advice...”
“You came to the right genius. I’ll send you my bill.”
I huffed a laugh and knocked him in the arm. Micah grabbed my hand gently, dragging my eyes back to him.
“Don’t let him go again, Dawson. You and Theo have a chance at something most people would kill for. You just have to take a leap of faith. That’s all any of us can do.”
“Alright, I hope you guys are done because the season finale of House of the Dragon is tonight and I’m impatient as fuck for it.” Bash proclaimed, waltzing out of his room. I thanked them both and made my excuses to leave.
Once I was home, I crashed on my bed and stared aimlessly at the ceiling. My fears hadn’t magically disappeared, but they no longer felt insurmountable. Something had changed in me, shifted into place.
As Micah had said, there were always risks when it came to trusting someone with your heart.
There were no guarantees in life. Theo’s demons could be terrifying and unpredictable, yes, but he deserved someone who would stand by him, who would fight them at his side.
Someone unafraid. Unflinching. Unbreakable.
What was I willing to risk to have him be mine again? What was Theo worth to me?
As sleep took me, Theo’s bright smile filled my head, giving me the only answer I needed.
Everything.