Chapter 28 Xander
XANDER
Snow stands next to June by the elevator, gazing up at the numbers while the blinking light creeps closer and closer to our floor.
I stand behind her, mapping out the waves and kinks pressed into her hair from having it up all day.
Soothing her after her meeting with that police officer wasn’t enough to satisfy my craving to be near her.
Touching her, listening to her talk, breathing in her soft perfume mingled with clean soap, hearing those bubbles in her words as she tries to contain her laughter while talking to June… it’s not enough.
Maybe it’s never going to be enough.
Is that what love is?
A constant, undying desire for more and more? This is different from what I had with Claire.
Claire was a childhood crush turned lover, a high school sweetheart, so everything was easy and familiar.
Snow’s different.
It’s like holding my hand over an open flame for short periods of time and then craving that scorching touch every time I pull my hand away.
The elevator arrives and we all step inside.
No words pass between us, but there’s a subtle twitch of her eyebrows when she catches my eye for a second.
That second passes slowly for me as I map out the slight redness clinging to her lash line from her tears and the slight downturn of her mouth even as she smiles at her friend.
She needs comfort. Pampering.
We split ways on the next floor as Snow follows June out of the hospital, and I walk to the parking garage where I snagged a spot earlier that day.
At four in the morning, the entire world is silent but lit up with beauty as the town transforms from a quiet place to live and work to a glittering, magical place.
Every store I drive past has its Christmas displays lighting up the windows and street lights are wrapped in tinsel with large lights strung from one pole to the next.
Several trees are decorated to the nines and placed around the town square, and even the town hall has decorated the rafters this year.
I drive for ten minutes and pull up at the bus stop where Snow stands, stamping her feet against the cold and puffing out her now rosy cheeks.
“Need a lift?” I ask as if this weren’t where we agreed to meet.
“Doctor Thomas! How kind of you to stop. I’d love one. Seems I missed the last bus.” Her performance is sweet.
“At four in the morning?” I tease as she climbs into the car. “Do the buses even run that late?”
“No,” she scoffs softly, huddling into her seat after she closes the door. “This is the first year in… I don’t know how many, but the first in so long that I don’t have to claw my way up that ice-covered hill to my apartment. No bus or car is making it up there now.”
“How did you get home before?” I ask as we drive away.
“I’d either crash at the hospital and head home once the ice thawed a little, or I would take this really long, winding path that goes out into the forest and loops around the hill. It comes up at the crest near the highway turn off, but it’s a good extra hour of walking.”
“At night?”
Snow glances at me and scoffs. “Yeah.”
“By yourself?”
Her smile turns coy. “Are you getting protective?”
“Maybe. I want to hope that Caleb was decent enough to meet and walk with you but I guess—”
Snow bursts into laughter, giving me my answer.
It’s a warm sound, though, and a smile creeps over my own lips.
There it remains until we’re up in my apartment and shedding off our coats to the pleased, excited yowls of my cats.
“One at a time.” I chuckle, nearly breaking my ankle as Willow and Rustle wind around my legs at the same time.
“Aren’t you adorable?” Snow coos, scooping Tiger into her arms. “Yes you are, yes you are.”
“Hungry?” I head for the kitchen with cats in tow.
“Starved,” Snow says as she follows. “But we can feed these rascals first.”
Ten minutes later, pizza is ordered and all three of my darling cats stuff their faces in their bowls.
I pet each one in turn, top up their water, and then find Snow in the living room.
She’s gazing up at all the decorations and rather than disturb her, I quietly turn on the twinkling lights.
“Beautiful,” she murmurs, and she turns to face me with all the multicolored lights reflecting on her gorgeous face.
“Absolutely,” I agree. “I haven’t decorated in years.”
“Are you mad that I was nosy and found them?”
“Not at all.”
“Even after all the stuff with Thea?”
Sighing heavily, I walk to the opposite wall and adjust one of the snowflakes now covered in claw marks. “Thea and I talked. And by talked I mean she talked at me before she got on a plane and went back to Canada. She gave me an ultimatum.”
“Which is?”
“End things with you or she will.”
Snow’s face crumples immediately. “Xander… coming between you and your sister? That’s not—”
“Hush.” I’m by her side in an instant, my hands on her shoulders.
“I don’t deal with ultimatums. I told her this is my life.
My choice. I don’t need people making decisions for me because I’m not a robot that needs programming.
I’m a person making my own choices based on my own feelings and what I want out of life. ”
Snow tilts her head to one side and her soft hair gently caresses my hand. “You have such a… unique way with words.”
“Bad unique?”
Her head shakes. “Not at all. It’s just so odd having a real conversation. Sometimes, it reminds me of how old you are.”
My brow lifts as my hands fall away. “Excuse me?”
Snow nudges into me with a smile. “Just that you’re mature, that’s all. A man who knows what he wants and isn’t bent by anyone else. Better than a stupid boy who values gambling over time with his girlfriend.”
“How anyone could spend time wasting money with a girlfriend as beautiful as you at home is beyond me.”
She leans close, placing one hand into my tie. “Is that your roundabout way of calling me your girlfriend?”
“Do you want that label?” I ask as every part of me screams that girlfriend isn’t important enough for what she means to me.
Anything more than that, though, will likely scare her away.
“I like it,” Snow declares. “I like it a lot.”
Pizza arrives not long after, but we end up getting distracted by the cats and a handful of leftover decorations.
By the time my hallway, bathroom, and bedroom are decorated with streamers, holly wreaths, and candy canes, the pizza is cold.
Not that either of us cares as we sit on the kitchen floor leaning against counters and munching on said cold pizza.
Willow curls up on Snow’s lap while Tiger and Rustle fight over who gets to sit inside the pizza box lid.
Snow laughs softly as she watches them, nibbling around the crust of her slice.
“What is Christmas like for you?” I ask, watching her.
“Like… spiritually, or…?”
“However.”
“Hmm. I guess… It was big when I was a kid and then nothing when I was a teen. My parents were excited to follow tours again as soon as I turned fourteen, so I was taking care of myself a lot.” Her brow wrinkles slightly.
“But when I studied hard and got this job, had disposable money and stuff, I started going all out.”
“Every year?”
“Mhm. There’s just… I can’t explain it.”
“Try me.”
Snow shifts on the floor until her knee is against my thigh and she’s facing me more with Willow in the crook of her legs.
“I love that it’s cold outside. Not chilly, but actually cold.
So cold that you feel it in your bones and your ears and nose hurt, and your muscles ache because you’re trying to hold onto so much warmth.
And you come home to a room filled with colorful light.
The old-school lights that make everything sort of fuzzy.
Not these new ones that are just too bright and too clear.
And then having the decorations twinkling in those lights, the dusty smell because each decoration is so old but you never part with it.
It just exudes… warmth and comfort, and I love it. I love it so much.”
As she talks, her face lights up as if she’s comforted by memories flooding through her mind. I understand every detail, though.
There’s something about Christmas that just can’t be replicated at any other time.
“And when it’s so dark outside and you sit with a mug of hot chocolate and watch some old movie where the audio crackles…” She presses her lips together and points at me with her crust. “That’s what I love.”
“And you call me old.” I snort softly.
“Maybe I’m an old soul. Or I’m just lonely. Who knows? Caleb didn’t care about any of that stuff. I mean, he said he did and I thought we bonded, but when the time came, he just didn’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
She shrugs and chews slowly. “It’s whatever. What about you?”
A pang moves through my chest. “Christmas was Claire’s. Not mine.”
“Oh.” Snow visibly winces. “Did I… with the decorations and stuff, did I…?”
“No.” Swiftly taking her free hand, I squeeze affectionately.
“Please don’t worry about that. What I mean is…
my family isn’t known for their warmth. Outside of Thea, there wasn’t really anything like that.
Claire and I were childhood sweethearts, and I knew she loved Christmas so I would go all out each year.
Those decorations you found… they remind me of her. ”
Snow watches me with wide eyes, barely noticing Willow attempting to chew on what’s left of her crust.
“We always did it together. It’s uhm…” Emotion suddenly rises in my throat and my smile wavers.
“I worked. And to an extent, she lived. Everything was bright and happy with her. It sounds cliché, I know, but she would be the warmth I came home to. She decorated for everything and I thought I loved it too, but when she passed… I couldn’t look at them even though I thought I loved them.
And I couldn’t throw them away. I couldn’t understand how none of it sparkled anymore, like there was no color and no light left in them. So I boxed them up and hid them.”
Warmth stings at the back of my eyes and I blink quickly.
“That day I came home and you’d decorated…
it hit me like a punch square in my chest.” My other hand lifts to my chest and I massage slightly.
“And I don’t at all mean this to imply that you are in any way a replacement of any kind, please believe me.
It just made me realize that what I loved, what I enjoyed, was the person.
Not the decorations. Lights are just lights without someone to share it with, and I hadn’t felt that in so many years that I’d almost forgotten how…
how magical this time of year can feel. Even if it’s just for a little while, everything does feel warmer and fuzzier around the edges.
It’s like I said before… something about you thawed me, Snow. And I—”
My voice trembles and Snow’s brows lift to her hairline, then her hand tightens in mine.
“I fear that what I say will make you feel like a stand-in or a replacement and I don’t want to place that kind of pressure on you, and it would be a disservice to how much I enjoy your company.
But you’ve made me feel alive again. Even this…
” I glance around at the pizza and cats.
“It’s so mundane and yet it’s so nice. I feel like I’m living again, like I can talk about things again.
Even Claire. I feel like…” I catch myself, bottling up my honesty before I spill more than Snow is ready to hear.
“What I’m trying to say is I understand the magic of Christmas and how you feel because you have brought that back to me.
And now I’m rambling because I feel like I’ve said too much and I’m a little exposed here. ”
As a dry, nervous laugh rushes past my lips, Snow abandons her crust and quickly moves Willow so she can slide closer to me and cup my jaw with her warm hand.
“Xander, that might be the most honest you’ve ever been and if anyone at work heard you talk this much about Christmas, they’d probably think something was wrong.” Her smile widens and the warmth pouring from her almost overwhelms me. “But you can trust me.”
She leans in and presses a sweet, brief kiss to my lips.
“I don’t feel like a replacement or a stand-in or anything like that. Claire was important to you and you should talk about those feelings. I’m here to listen. Just like you listen to me talk about Caleb. If it feels right, then it feels right.”
The warmth behind my eyes begins to sting. I shift myself on the floor and draw Snow fully into my arms while she winds her arms around my neck. “I think you would have liked Claire,” I murmur, brushing my nose against hers. “Thank you.”
“If she liked you half as much as I do, I bet we would have been friends.” Snow chuckles softly, her breath ghosting over my lips.
“But I mean it. You can trust me. Our past makes us who we are. If it feels right to talk about, then we talk about it, deal? You’ve helped me so much, Xander. Let me help you when you need it.”
My craving for her rises, and I seal my mouth over hers, kissing her deeply until my lungs burn and her grip on me tightens, signaling her need for air.
I break the kiss but pepper smaller kisses around her mouth as my heart soars with happiness.
It’s a small thing that most take for granted with family and friendship networks far bigger than mine, but it means the world.
“Deal.”