32. Cameron
32
CAMERON
I’ve convinced Lizzie to stay the night every night since it happened that first time two weeks ago. Addy and Mackenzie love her here and didn’t bat an eye when I asked them if it was okay if she did it more often. They like our sleepovers.
I cleared out one of my dressers so she could bring some of her stuff over, and I made room in the bathroom for all her toiletries. Too soon? Maybe, but it felt right. She was hesitant to make herself at home at first but is getting more and more comfortable every day.
And, God, has it been good.
No, not good. Great.
Falling asleep with her body wrapped in mine and waking up knowing she’s right next to me is something I never knew I needed. To be honest, it never seemed important before. But having Lizzie and my girls all under the same roof and knowing they’re safe with me is important. It feels right.
The only thing that doesn’t feel right is my indecision on the gym and the farm. I know I should pull the trigger and make an offer on the old library, but my fear is still holding me back. With the corn harvest beginning in the next few months, I need to have an idea of what the future of the farm will be.
Lizzie hasn’t brought up the gym since we looked at the space together last week, and I don’t blame her. I went quiet and in defense mode, and she probably feels like she shouldn’t have gotten involved, even though I want her to. I want her in my life in every way.
Wyatt, however, has been pushing me non-stop to come to a decision, and I don’t think I can ignore him any longer.
Like I summoned him, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I guess I can’t avoid him anymore. “Hey man,” I answer.
“Wow. You’re alive. I was beginning to think you died or got abducted by aliens because I’m sure you wouldn’t be ignoring my calls and texts on purpose, right?” Wyatt’s voice is uncharacteristically angry. He’s usually light-hearted and cheery.
“I’m sorry, Wyatt. I’ve just been busy, that’s all,” I lie.
“I get it, but if we’re going to make a move on the space you saw, we need to make a decision fast. I don’t want to miss out on something that looks pretty fucking perfect, if you ask me.”
“The space isn’t right,” I spit out, surprised by how easily the lie rolls off my tongue.
“What? Are your Spidey senses tingling? It isn’t right ? That’s your only reason to say no?” he asks, his annoyance now shining through.
“Look, let’s keep looking for now, and, worst case scenario, we can just build something from the ground up if we need to when the time is right.”
“When the time is right? What’s going on, Cam? We’ve been talking about this for over a year.” He pauses for a second before hitting the nail on the head. “What’s really holding you back?”
“I just…I just don’t think it’ll work.”
Even though he’s one of my best friends, I haven’t expressed my fears of a failing business to anyone. Not my sisters, not Theo or Liam or Reid. Not even Lizzie.
I know it makes no sense. I’ve met with my lawyers, my business manager, my agent, and even others who have ventured down this path and have been successful. They’ve all given me the green light and been supportive. Wyatt and I have a good business plan in place, and everyone expects nothing but a hit.
Everyone…except me.
“Look, if you don’t want to move forward with this, that’s fine. Just be honest with me.” He sounds exasperated but also sad, somehow.
You’d think I’d have gotten a better handle on my anxiety over failing with time—knowing I’m a good dad for my girls on my own, knowing I’m handling the renovations on the house, knowing Lizzie and I are together now—but instead, it’s just getting worse.
Sometimes I think I just need a case of tough love and a swift kick in the ass, or maybe some reassurance from the ones I love and trust. It’s kind of hard to get that, though, if they aren’t even aware of what’s going on.
My dad would have known something was wrong without me saying a word. He always knew me better than anyone and always knew just what to say to build my confidence.
God, I miss him.
Lizzie knows something is wrong too. Lizzie supports you too , a little voice says in the back of my mind. And the little voice is right.
“I want to move forward, I promise. Like I said, if nothing comes up by the end of your next season, we’ll build something ourselves. By next summer, the ball will be rolling.” I try to sound reassuring, not sure if for his sake or mine.
“Alright. It’s really not a big deal, Cam. I trust you and I’m not worried about it.” He takes a deep breath, and I can sense he has more to say. “You okay though? You’ve really been through it lately, and it’s been a minute since I’ve checked in.”
“I’m good, I promise. I’m just getting used to my new normal. The girls are starting school next month, and the remodel is almost done. I guess there’s just a lot going on right now. But I’m good.” I find myself smiling as I add, “Lizzie also makes everything better.”
“I bet she does. Regardless, I’m here if you need me, Cam. I’ll always have your back, no matter what.”
“Ditto. Now get back to whatever trouble you’re starting. I’m sure you have a girl waiting on you or your agent’s up your ass to do more commercials.” We both know he likes girls and money, so I take the chance to change the subject and lighten the mood.
Wyatt laughs out loud, and I know he isn’t offended in the least. “Yeah, yeah. Just go enjoy your girl before she realizes how old you are and dumps your ass for someone younger and better looking.”
“Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, man. Maybe if you stopped being a player, you’d find a nice girl to settle down with too.”
“Never!” He laughs. “Call me if anything comes up or you just need to talk.”
“Will do. Bye.” I hang up and let out an exhausted breath. I managed to shut that down for now, and that’s all I can do. I’ll deal with the rest later.
Right now, I just want to enjoy what I have.
* * *
Later that evening, Lizzie is sitting on the living room floor braiding Addy’s hair while Mackenzie is patiently waiting for her turn next. I can’t help but look on and feel like I have my whole world right in this room. That this is the simple life I always dreamed of.
I catch Lizzie’s gaze, and she smiles big. I think she might be feeling the same way right now. She’s totally in her element, and she’s fucking thriving.
I need to tell her how I’m feeling. She deserves to know, and we can’t start our relationship without complete honesty.
“My turn, my turn,” Mackenzie yells and switches spots with Addy.
“Addy, why don’t you pick the book we’re gonna read tonight?” I suggest, and she runs off to their room and comes back a minute later with her favorite book about a unicorn who lives on a rainbow.
“Lizzie, can you read it to us tonight?” Addy asks while Lizzie ties off Mackenzie’s hair.
“I’d love to. Can you go brush your teeth and your dad and I will meet you in your room?”
I take this moment alone to wrap Lizzie in my arms and hug her tight.
“You okay? You’ve seemed off tonight.”
“I’m good. Just talked to Wyatt earlier and it got me thinking.”
“About the gym?”
“Yeah. I’m nervous to pull the trigger on a space because I’m nervous to start it—period,” I confess. Finally.
“Why are you nervous?” she asks.
“If it fails, I don’t want to have to add it to my already long list.”
“You shouldn’t be worried. You’re amazing at everything you do.” She wraps her arms around my neck and gently kisses me. “And, if for some reason it doesn’t succeed, all your friends and family will be here to help you through it.”
“Thanks, baby.”
“We’re ready,” the girls yell from upstairs, signaling the end of the conversation for now.
I feel lighter now that she knows, but I can’t say that my fears feel any less big.