chapter 54 ⚚
"Not like I wish that for you" was what Valentina heard less than a second after the previous statement the light haired man had told her.
"For her, you mean," Valentina corrected with a small smile on her lips.
She could never speak about Chiara like that.
What truly was Lilith's Hawthorne family?
She was not so surprised now that Lilith had felt the need to mention she had told her brother about their date, seeing how he was. And it was such a shame. Oscar did not seem like that.
The brief mentions of their father and the divorce Valentina had been aware of were probably not something she would have expected to be tragic—but it seemed she had been wrong.
"Both of you," the tall man nodded.
"That's... adorable," Valentina murmured, looking down at her desk before continuing. "It's a shame you'd make such a small minded assumption, though." Her head tilted slightly to the side, her tone almost as if she were speaking to a child.
"Listen... I didn't mean it like that," Oscar laughed nervously, trying to ease the tension that was clearly beginning to build between them, hoping Valentina would not mind.
But the casual way he sounded only made it worse. And was there anything he could have said—anything at all—to fix it?
No.
Because Valentina had already decided to stress him.
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't, Mr Hawthorne," the woman replied, putting deliberate emphasis on the honourific.
"Right... Miss," he said, letting out a soft sigh.
And perhaps Valentina would have reacted more harshly a few months ago. But not now, when she knew about the pressure and the need to present oneself properly in social settings—especially with authorities—something both her charming girl and her brother clearly carried with them.
"So you do know manners?" she said, feigning surprise, toying with the man. "Because you clearly don't know your place," she added with a small shrug.
It was obvious the man simply wanted to leave the office and forget the situation entirely. But Valentina felt that letting it go would only leave her more irritated.
"What is it, Oscar? Projection? Did a woman leave you recently, maybe?" she almost dramatically pouted as she spoke.
"No, Miss," he answered, defeated.
It would have been easier for him if he could pretend to be arrogant, bored, or simply indifferent to the woman speaking to him as if she were his teacher—but he obviously could not.
"I was just worried about things being awkward. My intentions aren't bad. I did sound..." He paused, searching for the right words with genuine sincerity.
"Dumb? Foolish? Brainless?" Valentina offered. She truly could not tell if it was something in her, in Lilith's brother, or in the black haired girl with far too many tattoos—which she did not like—that made her sound so sharp.
Not only made her sound sharp, but feel so irritated.
"Yeah," the man sighed again. "I apologise." His eyes took on a look so reminiscent of the guilty expression Lilith often wore towards her, and for a moment, Valentina exhaled softly, neither adding nor reassuring him.
The apology meant little, she only furrowed her brows, stressed, waving her hand dismissively.
"Happy... early christmas," he said politely, nodding. It was still a week away, but he was taking his break early this week and perhaps both of them hoped not to see each other again in the meantime.
Maybe he shouldn't have attempted politeness again, because it truly only sparked Valentina further.
"Happy early christmas, Oscar. Will it be the first christmas without your sister?" she asked, and all he could do was curse the woman silently for being so malicious.
"What do you mean?" he murmured.
"I don't think she's spending the holidays with someone who wishes her so ill," Valentina said nonchalantly. "She's spending it with me," she finally added. "Maybe she can finally take a break from such an inconsiderate family."
She did not truly mean the words, knowing that if the blonde haired girl heard them, she would be upset—especially given how much she loved and respected her father. It was silly, really, Valentina did not even know how inconsiderate the three could be.
And yet, it was not something one should ever say. She herself, in Oscar's place, would have reacted terribly.
"You really are insufferable," he scoffed, offended.
He was preparing to say something offensive, whether aimed at the woman or her relationship with her sister—maybe suggesting that this was exactly the reason he was so worried.
But before the argument could escalate—before Oscar would have been able to let loose—the seventh knock of the day landed on the wooden doors of Valentina's office.
As soon as he heard it, the man turned and made his way out, escaping the situation entirely.
Valentina, still simmering, set herself to her work and handled tasks until late afternoon.
The ride back home wasn't pleasant, either. Whatever Christmas lights the city had decided to hang everywhere seemed only to irritate her further.
Stopping by the store—where she and Lilith had once done their grocery shopping together—proved difficult as well. She had only wanted some dark chocolate, without the horribly tacky christmas wrapping, yet even that felt complicated.
Biting down on the slightly bitter chocolate back in her bed, her thoughts, of course, turned to Lilith. It was so simple—anything even slightly sweet reminded her of the girl—but as comforting as it sounded, Lilith occupied her mind entirely since that awful conversation with Oscar.
So she called. It wasn't very late and for a moment, the thought of simply texting Lilith to come over flickered through her mind—but it quickly vanished.
The first call went unanswered, and Valentina stared at her phone, brows furrowed.
Lately, many things in her life drew that expression.
Over a lunch with Chiara and Rhys a few days ago, the man had joked about them staying like that forever—the notion that now made Valentina press her fingers lightly to her forehead, indulging in the dumb, fleeting thought that perhaps it could be true.
She called once more, sighing.
Fortunately, Lilith answered.
"Wait a second..." was the first thing Valentina heard, followed by the sound of a door closing.
"Sorry, Gabrielle's over," Lilith said softly.
"What are you guys doing?" Valentina murmured, setting her phone on her stomach while breaking off another piece of chocolate.
"No hello?" Lilith teased, already smiling at her phone with that easy, dumb grin—one that Valentina adored.
Though the grin wasn't really encouraged further.
"Hello, Lilith. What are you guys doing?" Valentina asked, finally.
"Well... nothing really. We... or rather, I was cooking dinner. Just salmon and a few other things. I'm feeling expensive," Lilith chuckled, chattering and filling her in.
"That's nice," Valentina commented, the simple reply already made Lilith wonder and pout just slightly.
"What about you?" Lilith questioned.
"I'm back from work," Valentina stated, letting silence stretch for a few seconds before sighing and admitting, "It was a horrible day."
"What happened?" Lilith asked quickly.
Sensing—and then having confirmed—that the woman she adored, the one who lately had become her entire world, had indeed had a bad day was crushing in its own way.
"I don't want to lie to you," Valentina said slowly. She truly felt like there had been enough of not telling Lilith things and part of being in a partnership—romantic or otherwise—was honesty.
"Then don't," Lilith murmured, confused.
"I had an... argument of sorts... with your brother," Valentina said.
"Really?" Lilith hummed. "What was it about? Did he do something?" she pressed, concerned.
If Lilith made Oscar lose his mind and worry endlessly, he really did the same to her—it was truly mutual and they were engaged in a battle to see which sibling could stress the other more
"He said something I didn't like... he'll probably tell you about it," Valentina scoffed ironically. "I'm not sure If I want to tell you exactly how I offended your brother," she continued, chewing on the chocolate as the irritation she had briefly muted returned.
"Was he at fault, though? Like, actually at fault?" Lilith asked, letting out a small giggle.
"He was talking about us, Lilith," Valentina said, her tone serious.
"Us?" the blonde haired girl murmured, slightly surprised "He's... fine with... us," she added shyly.
"Yeah, I know," Valentina rolled her eyes. "But I do think he was at fault. You'd think that too," she added, certain of her stance.
"I think he'll be alright then," Lilith said softly, smiling.
"Am I an awful woman for saying I hope he won't?" Valentina murmured, licking the melted chocolate off her finger.
"...Slightly bitter," Lilith chuckled.
"I've been so irritated lately and no amount of free time helps with that," Valentina complained, trying not to furrow her brows again. "I'll just sleep early tonight."
"Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?" Lilith asked innocently, tilting her head even though Valentina couldn't see her.
"No, Lilith," the answer came immediately. It was so stripped of any warmth that it could only make a person stress and worry if they'd said something wrong.
Lilith let out a nervous laugh. "I was just joking... I really want to make you feel better," she said, picking a lint from her hoodie.
"That wouldn't make me feel better," Valentina replied as clearly as she had said no.
"Hm," Lilith murmured, thinking.
Would the angel really be a good girlfriend?
She didn't even know how to lift Valentina's mood.
"I still can't get over how wrong he was," Valentina sighed, returning to the topic.
"You know... my therapist says that sometimes you just need to let people be wrong," Lilith said.
"I really don't care what Vivienne has to say about it right now," Valentina snapped harshly. As soon as she said it, Lilith felt unexpectedly thrown—her head physically tilted back, caught off guard.
"Wow... okay," she murmured, brows furrowing, her voice just slightly colder.
Valentina didn't want another argument with a Hawthorne today, yet what Lilith said irritated her more than anything else.
"I don't need her advice," Valentina stated, attempting to soften her words from moments ago.
"It's my advice," Lilith mumbled firmly.
"Is it?" Valentina hummed, ironic and sharp, really trying to calm herself—but the malicious remarks kept rolling off her tongue.
Silence fell between them.
Lilith pulled her legs up to her chest, pressing her cheek against her knees. She murmured sincerely, "Why are you so mean to me?"
Valentina's sharp eyes softened the instant she heard the slight sadness in the girl's voice—the same girl who had only two days ago changed her password to match the woman's.
The innocent and sincere question was truly breaking her heart.
"I'm not," Valentina almost whined, trying to erase what she had just said, or at least how it sounded.
"I am just... I probably shouldn't be talking to anyone right now," she added, reasonably. Normally, she would wait and process things alone.
Not this time, though.
"Then why are we talking right now?" Lilith asked, quietly challenging her.
"I wanted to hear your voice," Valentina said simply, sharing a sentiment that sounded cliche even to her.
"Mhm," Lilith murmured.
"Sweetheart..." Valentina breathed.
"You should rest. Sleep," Lilith said, her tone measured and very neutral.
"Are you upset?" Valentina asked, feeling guilty.
"No... like I said, I just wanted to make you feel better," Lilith replied, and without letting Valentina answer, she continued, "It's alright. I need to go, okay?"
"Okay," Valentina murmured, more upset than irritated this time.
"Sweet dreams, Val," Lilith's lips curved into a small smile.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Valentina said, and a millisecond later, Lilith hung up, sighing.
She wasn't sure what had made Valentina react so harshly to such an innocent attempt at being that particular kind of sweet and silly that seemed to work so effortlessly between two women.
Thankfully, the world decided it wasn't a day for Lilith to feel like destroying it just because Valentina was acting strange. It was more than fine when her phone lit up with a message from the woman.
Forgive me? :(
Being in love—or in a state of adoring someone so much—truly made one's heart weak. A sad face added at the end of the message the woman had sent the girl made her want to cry.
How could a woman so irritated and grown up be so cute?
Answering back quickly, telling her she was forgiven and wishing her a good sleep, Lilith opened the door to to see Gabrielle also on her phone, sprawled across the couch.
"She was so weird," Lilith mumbled, tossing her phone onto the couch.
"Did you argue?" Gabrielle looked up, curious.
"No... not really. She had a bad day and..." Lilith started, then shut up, embarrassed.
She went to the kitchen as she heard Gabrielle rise from the couch.
"I joked about reading her a bedtime story because... well, that's what she's done for me once before," Lilith finally admitted.
"Oh god," the other girl laughed, as if she'd never found anything so funny in her life.
"Don't laugh at me," Lilith muttered, setting two plates on the counter.
But the laughter didn't stop, no matter how much Lilith willed it.
"Gabrielle," she whined.
"Do you call her mommy too?" the curly haired girl asked, and when it only made Lilith flush deeper, she added, "Or maybe she calls you her little girl?"
There was truly no one in the world who knew what type of relationship dynamic Lilith would end up in—like Gabrielle.
Moving around the kitchen, turning to avoid Gabrielle's teasing gaze, all Lilith could manage to mumble was, "Fuck off."
Calming down, Gabrielle sighed. "You joked about reading her a bedtime story and... what?"
"I don't think she liked that joke..." Lilith murmured, a soft frown forming on her lips."She never tells me such mean no..." she added, tilting her head. "You never tell me no either."
"You're abusing your power," Gabrielle jested, but Lilith's frown remained, her thoughts still with Valentina.
"Am I?" she muttered. "I'm really annoying."
"Does she think that?" Gabrielle raised an eyebrow.
"I hope not," Lilith shrugged, plating their food. "She wants me to spend christmas with her... her family is so nice, it's almost strange," she said, adding far too much salt to her plate.
"Her sister is amazing... Chiara, I told you about her.
Her mother is warm and I didn't really get a chance to talk to her dad at all, but he seems fine too.
.. they do business together. Do you think they ever yell at each other?
" Lilith chuckled, chewing on some lettuce she had already snatched from her plate.
"They probably name things they're grateful for every dinner," Gabrielle said, winking, taking her own plate and making her way to the couch.
"Stop," Lilith gasped, trying not to laugh. She followed her and when she sat, Gabrielle seemed ravenous, eating so quickly that Lilith already knew she'd have to make more.
"You can always spend christmas with me," Gabrielle said.
"I feel so wanted," Lilith whined, her eyes soft, full of affection for the girl next to her.
"What should I gift her, though?" she murmured, not really paying attention to the plate resting on her thighs. "She has everything."
"You could bake her something... and then wrap yourself up," Gabrielle suggested.
"Be serious," Lilith scrunched her nose.
"What? You're not hoping for a nice christmas night?"
"It's too soon... for me at least," Lilith muttered, playing with her fork.
"Hold her hand then. Maybe that isn't too soon for you, little virgin," Gabrielle laughed, earning a sharp glare from Lilith.
?
The promised lemon tart had been made.
Lilith hoped that—even if it was a bit sour—it would sweeten Valentina's day when she gave it to her. She wasn't even sure it would,
she hadn't tried it herself. The entire tart was for Valentina, because for Lilith, no sane person would enjoy a sweet treat dominated by lemon.
"Hello, father," Lilith murmured into the phone, walking down the street, already late for her meeting with Miss Lockhart.
"How much money do you need?" she heard her father's voice, and it made her smile instantly.
"Millions. I'm in debt and you're going to bankrupt," Lilith jested.
As much as her father was a sharp minded man whose emotional side rarely surfaced, he was always the first in the room to throw a joke.
Lilith was more than grateful for it—she had grown up with humour as her own language. As a teenager, she often joked that when she finally moved out, her father would finally taste peace. And even if that was only partially true, hearing him laugh because of her was like warmth.
"I was thinking about christmas and I'm probably not spending it with you guys," she said, eyes on the building where the Lockhart's' designed apartment stood.
"Why is that?" Her father's tone shifted slightly—not really sad, just curious.
"I'm probably spending it with Gabrielle... you know your daughter has many offers. She can't just spend it with the elderly," Lilith giggled, lying.
She didn't feel bad lying to her father. At some point in her life, it had become routine. Whether it was a woman or a man that Lilith would spend christmas with, anything regarding relationships was something Lilith wouldn't admit—neither to her father, and certainly not to her mother.
"I hope she doesn't need the elderly to pay her rent," her father shot back immediately.
Already in the elevator, Lilith could only roll her eyes and reply, "I'll stop by tomorrow. I need to go. Love you."
Just as she hung up and the elevator doors opened, Vivienne appeared.
"What an entrance I'm making," Lilith huffed, stepping inside.
"I could hear your voice from miles away," the woman joked, looking down at Lilith as she hurriedly undressed.
She moved towards the only room that wasn't empty and Lilith finally got a full look at her, her hair pinned up, no glasses perched on her nose, the expression on her face as sharply attentive as always.
"Do I look weird?" Miss Lockhart chuckled, sitting down and placing her iPad on her lap.
"No. You look alright," Lilith replied with a nervous giggle, shocked at how quickly Vivienne noticed that she'd realised she wasn't wearing glasses. She took off her shoes before settling comfortably on the couch.
She already felt guilty for leaving wet, dirty traces on the part of the floor that had been done, but Miss Lockhart had told her not to worry about it—so it was alright.
"How are we doing today?" the older woman asked, a small smile playing on her lips.
"Okay?" Lilith exhaled softly, the room growing quieter around her. The familiar atmosphere settled in, reminding her that this was the place where she was allowed to be absolutely insufferable and cry her heart out.
"Or... weird," she corrected herself.
"Why?" Lockhart asked gently.
"I've been thinking about christmas and my mother a lot... and I feel like I don't even want to be here today," the blonde haired girl admitted. "I think I'm too stressed and tired to think about things."
"I get it." Vivienne's eyes softened as she scrolled through something on her iPad, looking thoughtful. "But I would like to come back to something you told me a year ago," she added, lifting her gaze to meet Lilith's.
Lilith let out a heavy sigh. "Okay," she said, the word edged with boredom.
Vivienne only smiled faintly before glancing back down at her lap. "I've been thinking about your standards lately and I'd like to talk about them today."
"Standards for what exactly?" Lilith's eyebrow rose.
"For other people—and for yourself, although I already know quite a lot about the latter," Vivienne replied, her tone calm, almost innocent as she studied the slightly irritated girl.
"Are you trying to make me realise they're too high?" Lilith murmured, tilting her head.
"That's not what I said," the older woman shook her head gently.
"But I know what you mean. Don't worry—I know that already and I'm working on it," Lilith answered firmly, defensively, the atmosphere shifting into something less friendly.
It was a difficult subject.
Especially now, when her recent experience with people had been surprisingly kind—though that experience was, of course, Valentina.
Lilith remembered the first time Vivienne had offended her without meaning to. It happened halfway through a session and by the end, Lilith had stayed so cold that it was painfully obvious.
For a week, she thought she hated the woman—and that thought lingered for some time.
She would probably have remembered it always, if the therapy hadn't ended and she hadn't missed the woman again.
They had obviously talked about it and back then Lockhart had worked on how to handle things with Lilith.
Vivienne exhaled softly.
Perhaps she had fallen out of that practice in knowing how to handle certain tensions with Lilith. Since the girl had come back, their sessions had been relatively light.
And it hurt her—to hurt the girl, even in small ways.
"I do feel offended," Lilith blurted out, almost arrogantly, cutting off any chance for the woman to respond or ask.
"I'm glad you're telling me. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. What about it feels offensive?" Lockhart asked calmly.
"You're obviously trying to point out something that is... negative, bad."
"Do you think it's objectively bad, or is it just bad for you?" the woman asked, genuinely curious.
"I mean... it depends. When it comes to me, yeah.. it's bad," Lilith said, sighing.
She really thought it would be obvious to the woman.
"I don't feel like... talking anymore, if I need to be honest," she added abruptly after a few seconds of silence.
"We don't need to talk about it today," Lockhart nodded understandingly.
And before Lilith could really think about everything rationally, she added, "I don't feel like talking at all anymore," hinting that she wanted to end the meeting right there.
"Are you sure?" the woman asked, her eyes widening just slightly—enough for Lilith not to notice. And whether the girl was sure or not, it would have been awkward to back down in that moment.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Lilith nodded softly, putting on her shoes.
It was—and wasn't—difficult for Vivienne Lockhart. Lilith wasn't a new or everyday patient, and when she said something, the older woman could usually tell if she meant it, hesitated, or was holding back.
"Okay," Miss Lockhart said, setting her iPad aside, the meeting clearly ending far too soon.
As Lilith stood up, the room fell silent and she was partially glad for it.
While putting on her jacket, she felt the calm presence of Vivienne watching her. "Do you think you'll be able to see me before the holidays?" the woman asked.
A part of her job was remaining neutral, calm and subtle, but she really debated with herself whether she should talk to the blonde girl like a human—like just another person. But the crease on Lilith's forehead signaled that the woman should just probably never speak again.
"I'm not sure," Lilith murmured. She didn't want to see her before christmas, not today, and perhaps not for the rest of her life either.
"I'll text you... but merry christmas in advance," the blonde haired girl added with a faint smile, lacking her usual charisma.
"Merry christmas to you too, Lilith," the woman replied warmly as Lilith prepared to leave.
"Thank you... bye, Miss Val—Vivienne," Lilith corrected herself, shaking her head and sighing internally.
Even the attempt at easing things hadn't gone well.
It was disappointing. She had expected a possible argument with her father on the phone, but she hadn't expected to get frustrated with Miss Lockhart.
All the way home, Lilith fought not to roll her eyes at herself—or at the thought of the woman.
And maybe a year ago, Lilith would have stayed just because she wouldn't like to waste money. But now, when she wasn't paying and the weird establishment was ongoing, she felt like it meant nothing that she left so suddenly.