Understood

chapter 55 ⚚

i changed val's and lilith's aesthetics

a little, so if you guys would like to see

it, go back to the beginning. i also hope

you guys liked the little letters spoiler.

love, admi?

Lilith Hawthorne had very little to say.

Which sounded very much abstract.

She did not want to open her mouth and make a sound—just like she did not really want to think either. She really understood Valentina's bad mood now. Her mother was over and all Lilith could do was sigh out of helplessness.

"What do you mean, Lilith?" the older woman asked, the words thrown out, sounding like a cruel stepmother from a children's fairytale.

"I think it really is pointless if I have to repeat it for the hundredth time," the blonde haired girl muttered, mostly to herself, tired.

"I do not want to spend time with you."

Stating to her mother that she would not be spending christmas with her as expected did not go well. What had begun as a polite declaration had slowly turned into something harsher—into Lilith admitting for the hundredth time that she did not want to be around the older woman at all.

"Why?" her mother asked, as if it were something new, as if everything Lilith had ever told her had simply gone unheard.

Lilith knew it hurt her.

She just did not know if it hurt her in that moment, or if she had simply grown used to hearing such words.

"You know very well why," Lilith sighed again.

Enough was enough, truly. Every conversation with her mother sucked the power to live out of her. If someone took every conversation they had ever had and forced people to sit and watch it, they would leave after the second.

"But you know that I regret—" her mother began.

"I know you regret it and you feel sorry," Lilith cut in quickly, the desperation in her voice very clear. "It doesn't change anything. No part of me wants to talk to you, spend time with you, or think about you. You need to accept it."

"I don't and I won't."

Her mother stood up.

"Then don't. I don't know." Lilith rolled her eyes.

"You're cruel," her mother said, as usual taking on an offensive approach.

"Okay." Lilith shrugged. She wasn't surprised by the words and she wasn't touched by them either. "Do you want me to cry now?" she asked, immediately scolding herself for saying it.

Everything seemed so pointless, and the girl really hated herself for thinking that inviting her mother for a calm conversation would work out.

Obviously, it turned out to be naive. Like always.

Lilith was not even sure what year it was anymore—what number this was in the long line of empty arguments.

Probably the sixth.

Maybe the eighth.

It did not even matter anymore.

Lilith felt soulless in that moment.

She felt soulless when her mother left crying too. Though maybe it stung a little—seeing how desperate the woman was to pull any reaction out of her.

Unfortunately, as Lilith often thought of her mother as a tough opponent, the feeling was very mutual.

Lilith herself was her mother's toughest opponent.

She wondered how many more battles she would have to face that day.

The battle she was waiting for—the one with Valentina—was, unfortunately, the one waiting at the end of it.

But first, there was Miss Lockhart.

If she handled that now, she could at least tick it off the list and move on. And perhaps, in the process, she would come across a little harsher than usual.

It was not really a maybe.

It was certain.

"I don't have much time... you know how it is," Lilith said politely, nodding at the taller woman.

They stood in the usual apartment, though now it looked as if some things were moving. A few of the doors were open. It was the last day to buy, prepare, and handle things before christmas. Some people were already on break. Of course, Vivienne was not.

"I know," the woman said with a small smile. "I just wanted to see you and give you something while... apologising."

She chose a very human approach—she even used the word apologise as if to soften everything and make it seem like a casual situation. Whatever Lilith had in her that most would call natural charm, but others would rather ponder on, seemed to weaken women.

Lilith physically fought the urge to grimace.

That day, more than ever, she truly felt like everyone should just leave her alone.

So, she rushed everything on purpose.

"It's okay. You don't need to apologise. We can talk about it after christmas. I'm alright," she said quickly, nodding again—faster this time, as if speed alone could end the interaction sooner.

"Calm down," Vivienne chuckled softly, clearly not sensing that all Lilith really wanted to do was flip her off and leave.

"Here," the woman murmured.

Lilith received a small, minimalistic bag, with what was probably an equally minimalistic gift inside.

At the moment, she did not care about it at all.

And maybe it was simply the day that made her want to roll her eyes at how unprofessional it was.

On a different day she would not have minded.

She might have even felt warmth, perhaps gratitude.

But not today.

"Thanks," Lilith said with a nervous little laugh.

"So, are you spending christmas with your dad?" the woman asked, tilting her head in an attempt at small talk.

"No. Someone else," Lilith replied, shaking her head.

"Is it Gabrielle?" Miss Lockhart continued.

"Does it matter?" Lilith countered.

Maybe she was making things harder herself. She promised herself that it truly wasn't on purpose, though.

"You're just very careful not to tell me about this person." Vivienne's head tilted slightly, as if to say that she knew—whatever she meant.

Lilith's brow furrowed, a slow, small frown forming on her lips. "Maybe it's for a reason? I have no idea why you're bringing it up right now," she muttered, not intimidated at all.

Even if Lockhart did not sigh, Lilith could almost imagine her doing it internally when she defeated what the girl said with a quiet, diplomatic response. "Well whoever that is, I hope you'll have a good time."

"You too. Thank you, Miss Vivienne," Lilith said, slightly softer.

She stood there awkwardly for a moment. When she noticed the woman's arms opening a little, she glanced at them, unsure what Vivienne wanted from her.

Lilith was not certain what would be more embarrassing—missing the hint that the woman wanted to hug her, or hugging her when that had not been the hint at all.

She hugged her anyway.

The fresh, floral scent wrapped around her and even if it was pleasant, it still felt strange.

It was probably the second time she had ever hugged the woman, yet it still looked polite enough from the outside. The hug was very brief.

"I'm sorry I don't have anything for you... I'm actually on my way to buy some gifts," Lilith murmured as she pulled away.

"It's fine. I don't expect it." The woman looked down at her, crossing her arms under her chest, suddenly looking—and sounding—much more like the therapist version of herself.

Which irritated Lilith slightly.

It was as if the woman, after giving her a gift and initiating the hug, had suddenly remembered all the rules that existed.

It was almost laughable.

"Right," Lilith said, her jaw a little tighter. "Thank you once again. Merry Christmas." The blonde haired girl sighed, ready to leave.

"Merry Christmas, Lilith," Vivienne said with a warm smile.

?

Walking through the busy streets, Lilith wondered whether she had been too mean.

Whether it hurt the woman in some way.

Whether it made her think about Lilith more than necessary.

Every street glowed with christmas lights, yet no one seemed to enjoy the sight of them. The annoying rain that had been torturing the city for the past week made sure of that.

She moved in and out of shops with a growing number of bags hanging from her hands. Her fingers began to ache from the weight of them. The constant change of temperature—warm stores that made her sweat slightly, followed by the freezing air outside—left her uncomfortable and tired.

Everyone was loud and everything was loud.

It was truly an experience only the holidays could bring.

By the time she reached the last busy street before her apartment, she was barely paying attention. When she softly bumped into an older woman, the woman stopped immediately and muttered an annoyed, "Watch where you're going."

Lilith felt like any woman she encountered that day deserved their own special place in hell.

And whatever it was that had taken the softness out of her that day, Lilith was grateful for it.

All she did was mutter back, a very quiet, "Fuck off."

Then, as she walked away, she deliberately brushed the woman's shoulder a little too harshly.

Who would have thought that one day she would become the mean stranger on the street?

When she finally walked into her apartment, she felt like throwing everything.

She checked the time.

She had solid two hours to pack her things and—most importantly—to try not to sob while writing something for Valentina.

She was still not sure about the gift she had bought for the brunette woman. It could either be seen as sweet or as something far too forward.

The girl sighed, biting on the black pen.

A nice piece of paper she had bought specifically for the letter lay in front of her.

She stared at it, irritated with herself for buying something that only managed to stress her even more.

?

"You look quite...." was the first thing Valentina murmured, when she saw her angel.

Lilith had already begun harshly tugging the scarf from around her neck, kicking off her shoes in a messy, impatient motion.

"Fuck off," Lilith sighed as she passed the woman in the hallway of the penthouse. The words had lived on her tongue the entire day and now slipped out almost automatically.

She made her way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and turning on the tap. Water filled it quickly and she drank it just as fast—like a starved, dehydrated animal.

"Well, hello to you too, sweetheart," Valentina said as she appeared a moment later.

She had paused briefly in the hallway to tidy up the things Lilith had dropped while undressing. Now she stood in the kitchen's entrancw, looking down at the girl with curiosity.

The blonde looked worn out.

Her mascara was smudged faintly beneath her eyes. Her long hair had curled at the ends from the rain, and a few small knots had formed from the friction of the scarf and her jacket.

"Are you okay?" Valentina asked, trying not to laugh as she opened her arms slightly.

Perhaps Valentina Salvatore was the only woman Lilith both wanted and intended to hug that day.

Because the moment Lilith stepped into the embrace, wrapping herself into the woman's warmth and pressing her face against her chest, she murmured softly, "Kill me."

"Not yet." The woman chuckled softly, her hand already moving to caress the girl's head.

"Calm down," she hummed.

Lilith's eyes squeezed shut for a moment. What was it with Valentina almost repeating Vivienne's words?

"I am calm," Lilith murmured, tilting her head back slightly so she could look at the woman.

And already knowing what the taller woman would murmur, she was quick to mimic Valentina's usual tone. "Are you?" she said, tilting her head to the side.

"Right, are you?" Valentina's brows furrowed innocently, as if she hadn't caught the mocking.

Smiling fondly, Lilith let herself stay in the woman's arms just a bit longer.

"Did you bring the gifts?" Valentina asked, her hand still resting on the blonde's head, gently petting it.

"Mhm," Lilith hummed.

"Bring them here." Valentina gestured with a small tilt of her head towards the living room.

Lilith went to fetch them while Valentina settled onto the couch. A few bags and sheets of wrapping paper already lay scattered across the coffee table and the floor.

They had planned to wrap everything together—not just the gifts Valentina had bought for her sister, cousins, or friends, but also the gifts Lilith had bought for her own people. Most of them had been too busy to meet up before christmas, so they would receive their gifts a little later.

When Lilith thought about it a little longer, it was really quite cute that Valentina had offered—or rather, just decided—and told her that they should spend such simple time together.

She carried the bags over, though her socks were slightly damp from the rain, as was the hem of her trousers. As she stepped closer to the couch, her foot slid across the smooth floor and she nearly slipped—ending up landing almost perfectly at Valentina's feet.

Valentina's eyes widened in brief concern, but she quickly had to suppress another laugh.

"Fuck me," the blonde muttered from the floor as she sat up, deciding that handling the presents from the ground might actually be the safest option.

"Are you okay?" Valentina asked, one eyebrow rising slightly as Lilith began organising the bags.

"Yeah..." Lilith sighed.

"It's alright. I've always been a court jester." She gave the woman a small giggle.

"Yeah? Just to entertain me?" Valentina hummed.

"Am I entertaining you?" Lilith tilted her head, her eyes narrowing slightly as that familiar, subtle flirtation slipped into her expression—as if she had suddenly remembered she was standing in the presence of her beloved Valentina, not just another woman.

"You could say so," Valentina replied neutrally.

Lilith pouted.

The woman clearly intended to focus on the gifts rather than indulge the teasing.

So Lilith moved on, her fingers digging through the bags until she found what she had bought.

"Is this for Chiara?" she asked curiously, watching as Valentina neatly wrapped a large box containing a hairdryer that could also curl and straighten hair.

"Mhm," Valentina hummed.

"Look what I got her," Lilith said with a grin, lifting a collection of hair care products she herself used.

They were expensive, but the moment Lilith mentioned wanting to buy something for Valentina's younger sister, Valentina had immediately transferred a rather large amount of money to her so she could pay for it.

And remembering how fond Chiara was of her hair, Lilith had carefully chosen things that worked wonders on her bleached strands.

Valentina looked at the items and gave Lilith a warm, fond smile.

"Pack it here," she said, her fingers already reaching for an elegant, sleek bag.

So when the gifts for Chiara were packed and Valentina carefully wrote her name in smooth cursive across the tag, she leaned back slightly and looked at them.

"That's nice," she murmured.

"Is it?" Lilith asked, suddenly worried. "I don't have anything for your mum or... dad."

"I don't have anything either," Valentina whispered with exaggerated guilt, her eyes widening slightly as if to tease her.

Lilith's eyes widened too.

"They don't like gifts," Valentina chuckled.

"And here I thought you were just a bad daughter," Lilith rolled her eyes, sprawling out across the carpet as she peeled the price tags off the things she had bought for Gabrielle.

"The worst," Valentina replied dramatically.

Lilith's head snapped up.

"Do you want to see what I got you?" she asked.

"No, thank you," Valentina declined calmly.

"Whatever," Lilith muttered.

Her eyes drifted towards the small black bag that had already been prepared ready earlier.

When they finally finished their work, silence settled over the room.

Lilith's head dropped against the soft carpet. She did not even bother wondering whether it was clean enough to press her face into it.

"I'm drained. I hate christmas and everyone," she murmured into the carpet.

"I'm not sure if eating my carpet will help," Valentina said quietly. She stood up from the couch and moved closer, lowering herself onto her knees before sitting beside the girl.

"Even now, in this jolly time, you're judging me?" Lilith lifted her head slightly. When she noticed Valentina sitting next to her, she immediately took the opportunity to rest her head on the woman's lap instead.

"You've got a few hours to rest," Valentina murmured, glancing towards the clock Lilith had never really paid attention to. "Then we'll need to get going."

"Where?" Lilith's brows furrowed.

"Chiara's. I told you. We'll sleep over there and then drive to my parents together," Valentina explained.

"Really?" Lilith murmured. "Wouldn't it be better to sleep here?"

"We're going."

Valentina did not answer the question so much as simply declare the decision.

"Any reason why?" Lilith mumbled.

"Any reason why not?" Valentina answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry for asking. I'll let you assert dominance, queen," Lilith said ironically.

"Let me?" Valentina almost gasped, playing with the girl's messy hair. "Since when are you in charge of anything?"

"Since always." Lilith winked, looking up at the woman.

And even though Lilith was only joking, Valentina knew that it was partially true. Her fingers softly—and teasingly—tightened in the girl's hair, tugging just enough to make her wince a little, watching the small grin grow wider.

It was rather interesting for Lilith to see Valentina slightly heated about the question of who was in control, and when.

"So... maybe we don't have to go," Lilith attempted innocently, but she was cut off by the older woman's firm tone.

"Lilith."

The blonde did not have the energy to argue—especially not with the woman. Valentina had already decided, which meant things would happen exactly as she said they would.

"I see I don't get to have a say in this," Lilith muttered, sounding like a slightly petulant child.

"You don't," Valentina hummed calmly.

"I would love to curse you out right now," Lilith whined.

"Do it," Valentina replied quickly, giving a small flick to the girl's pale forehead.

Lilith stayed quiet, though.

She simply lay there, letting herself breathe.

"I've received a gift," she lazily murmured after a few seconds. At that point, so exhausted, she could almost swear she was just getting sick.

"From who?" Valentina hummed.

"Miss Lockhart," Lilith said, her eyes closing before she added, "A nice candle and sweets. I regret not bringing it here... I'd love chocolate right now." She let out a quiet, tired whine.

"I have chocolate," Valentina murmured quickly.

"But it's probably not my favourite chocolate," Lilith replied with a small grin. Though she could swear she felt the woman's leg muscles tighten slightly beneath her.

"That's what you talk about in your sessions? Chocolate?" Valentina asked.

It was not the biggest surprise to her. In truth, it was not a surprise at all after reading the annotations in the bedtime stories. She already knew Vivienne Lockhart was aware of small details such as Lilith's favourite things.

Still, Valentina Salvatore just could not help herself.

She asked questions simply to see what the blonde girl would say.

"Sometimes," Lilith sighed, rolling off Valentina's legs, which no longer felt quite as comfortable beneath her.

"Do you talk about me at all?" the older woman asked suddenly, her tone a little more serious.

And that day, Lilith had a huge problem with any question—or statement—that veered beyond casual conversation in her direction.

"Not really... I mean, not directly," she muttered. "You make me happy, so..." she added quickly, as if trying to save herself from the awkwardness of the moment.

"Aren't you supposed to talk about things and people who make you happy too?" Valentina asked quickly, staring down at her.

Lilith did not really return the eye contact.

"I guess so..." she answered quietly. "Maybe I just don't want others to think about you."

She shrugged.

Even if it sounded like a clumsy attempt to lighten the atmosphere with a flirtatious remark, it was not meant that way.

"How possessive," Valentina murmured, trying not to sound ironic.

"I'm serious," Lilith replied, one eyebrow rising slightly as she exhaled.

A few more seconds of silence passed.

"I talked to Amber yesterday," Valentina said then, the topic suddenly resurfacing in her mind as soon as Vivienne was mentioned.

"I don't think she was mean to you on purpose," she added, even though she did not need to add it.

She did not even need to bring the topic up at all—especially when she was not being entirely honest. But she wanted to bite Lilith a little.

"Really?" Lilith's head lifted quickly. "Are you sure?" she murmured.

"I might be... wrong." Valentina tilted her head slightly, and that small uncertainty made Lilith frown. She was used to receiving clear, confident answers from Valentina.

"It's okay. I forgot about it," Lilith huffed sleepily.

She truly had forgotten about it.

Lately, women had not really been on her mind.

Or people in general.

But why did every conversation feel so meaningless and empty that day?

As if she were saying things, someone else was saying things—but it would have been the same if they hadn't, because the silence could have been peaceful and of much better quality.

And even as she was resolving things and gathering new information to her brain, it all felt unusually shallow.