13. 2-For-1 Special #2
Turning away from the window with a sigh, I pace the living room, staring at my feet, rubbing my neck.
“She’s…she’s really beautiful. Not just on the outside but the inside too.
She’s in vet school, and she works at one of the animal shelters here.
She’s got such a kind heart, and she’s the best mom.
” I shrug. “She makes me feel like things aren’t so heavy. ”
Mom watches me with a quiet, wobbly smile, and Dad gives me two thumbs up behind her, another Fruit Roll-Up in his mouth. I register the soft drip, drip, drip
of water only a moment before a tiny voice whispers, “Dada,” from behind me.
I spin around, eyes locking with Rosie’s wide ones from where she stands halfway inside my patio door, Connor bundled in a towel in her arms, Bear panting at her side.
“Okay, Mom, I have to go,” I sorta scream.
“Did he just call you da—”
“ Bye
!” It takes me seventeen thousand tries to hit hang up.
I shove one hand through my hair and gesture over my shoulder, forgetting about my phone in my hand.
It soars through the air and lands with a clatter somewhere behind me.
“That was my—my friend was just—I wasn’t talking about—that was…
” I choose to stop—it seems like the safest bet—and settle for anxious chuckling instead.
“Was that your mom?”
“Who, that?” I wave a hand through the air. “No.”
“You said, ‘Okay, Mom, I have to go.’”
“Hmmm. Yeah, I see how that could be construed. Definitely.”
The corner of Rosie’s mouth hitches. “Okay, well, we’ll go get changed.”
“Great. Awesome. Yeah, and I’ll go start the barbecue.”
She pauses at my side, smelling like coconut and lime, sunshine, hope, and everything good and right. “You make me feel like things aren’t quite so heavy, too, Adam. Just in case you were wondering.”
* * *
“How the hell did you get mashed potatoes in your eyebrow, bud,” I mutter, scrubbing Connor’s face with a warm washcloth. He turns away, sending a spray of water up around us when he splashes in the tub. “Jesus Christ, it’s in your ear. Rosie! It’s in his ear!”
Rosie giggles, dropping to her knees beside me as I scoop out his ear potatoes. “Connor has a knack for getting his dinner in every single crevice. Check his elbow.”
I take his small hand in mine and lift his arm. Sure enough, right there in the crease of his elbow, is a clump of potatoes. I shake my head, wiping him down, and the little monkey tries to eat the potatoes out of my hand. “Big trouble and little trouble. Perfect names for you and Mama.”
Rosie flicks water at me. “I think it’s you who’s the troublemaker.”
I want to start all sorts of trouble with Rosie, but I’m trying to be on my very best behavior. It’s hard, because the sun’s on its way down, the air has cooled, and she’s currently drowning in one of my T-shirts and a pair of my sweatpants.
Something about a pretty girl in your clothes, wrapped up in your smell…it never gets old.
Bear pushes between us, setting his chin on the edge of the tub. Connor rests his forehead against Bear’s as he whispers, “Hi, big dog,” and everything feels exactly right with these three beside me.
“I’m really happy you can stay,” I say to Rosie as she changes Connor into his pajamas, lays him down in the playpen.
“I wasn’t expecting him to do so well for his nap here. He sleeps in my room at home, and we always make it back for naps.” She pushes his hair back, smiling down at his tired eyes. “I guess I don’t give him enough credit.”
“I don’t think that’s it. You have your routine, and it’s not always easy to stray outside of our routines.” I nudge her shoulder with mine. “It’s about giving up that little bit of control, right?”
“Which I have a hard time doing,” she admits.
“But you’re doing great.”
Her smile is soft and grateful. “Thank you for saying that, Adam.”
“Mama.” Connor pats around the playpen. “Cat?”
“Oh shoot. That’s right.” She grabs her bag off the bed and roots around before pulling out a fluffy, orange stuffed cat. “He doesn’t do bedtime without Cat.”
Connor shuffles to his feet, rubbing his eyes with his fists, Cat tucked under his arm. “Mama, kiss?”
Rosie takes his face in his hand, pressing a kiss to his forehead, both cheeks, and finally his lips. “Good night, baby. Mama loves you.”
Connor reaches for me. “Dada, kiss?”
I plant a loud smooch on his forehead. “Good night, little trouble.”
With Rosie’s hand in mine, I guide her out of the room, turning off the light and quietly shutting the door. She’s all nerves right now, fidgety fingers and bouncing eyes, the golden glow of the setting sun streaming through the windows, illuminating the freckles on her nose.
“I’m just gonna call my roommate for advice,” she blurts, then smacks her forehead. “To tell him I’ll be home later, I mean.”
“Meet me out back when you’re ready.” I kiss her cheek. “I hope he gives good advice.”
There’s a weird zap of electricity running through me as I get the yard set up, Bear trailing my heels as I go.
I’m nervous, but that Rosie is nervous, too, is comforting.
Despite my desperate yearning for a solid foundation, a meaningful connection, and a life to share with someone, I’ve felt slightly off-kilter since I stumbled into Rosie those weeks ago.
I know exactly where I want to take things, but in all my attempts to move forward over the last year, I haven’t ever actually moved in that direction.
Each step forward has ended with two backward.
Each date ending in disaster, every time my face has been splashed on some social media outlet next to a woman’s I barely knew, I’ve retreated further into the shadows, clung tighter to every piece of me.
I want to give those pieces to Rosie. I want to open my clenched fists, show her the pieces with shaky hands, and ask her to take me anyway, to like me for me.
For the first time in my life, I don’t want to be Adam Lockwood, Vancouver Viper, all-star goalie. I just want to be…
I just want to fucking be
. I want to exist exactly as I am. I want to be a loyal friend, a loving son.
I want to be dependable and kind and generous because I like to be, not because I have to be.
I want to be a partner, someone’s best friend, the steady hand on their back when they need to be held up, the fingers laced through theirs to walk through life together.
I want to be Adam.
And like it always has, hockey will only get in the way of that.
The patio door opens, sending my heart into a tailspin, pattering against my sternum like heavy rain beating down on a tin roof. My fingers curl into my palms as I take a breath, hoping to slow the racing beat and every erratic thought in my head, and I turn around.
Rosie’s a vision, a flawless beauty bathed in the dusky gold glow of twilight, scattered fragments of lavender and peach reflecting off the water, the twinkly lights illuminating the wonder in her gaze as it skates around the yard, taking it all in.
She takes a hesitant step forward, then another, one hand at her throat, the other clutching the hem of my T-shirt she wears. “Adam, this is gorgeous.”
“Yeah? I, uh…” I rush to the gazebo, scooping up the flowers I’d had sitting in my dining room all day. I offer them to Rosie with a shaky hand. “I got you more peonies. I hope that’s okay.”
“Thank you.” She takes them with a smile and looks at the inflatable mattress set on the grass, topped with pillows and blankets. “And that?”
“I thought, if you wanted to, we could, um…”
She threads her fingers through mine and squeezes, gentle pressure that settles my heartbeat. I try again.
“I’d like to watch the sunset with you while we lie together.”
“I’d really like that.”
My heartbeat skips. “Yeah?”
She nods, pulling me toward the mattress, holding my hand as she sinks down to it, pulling me after her. She curls onto her side, cheek resting on a pillow as she gazes at me while I pull a blanket over us.
“This has been such a perfect day, Adam. I’m so glad we didn’t need to cancel.”
“Connor is always welcome here. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to cancel because you’re with him. I like hanging out with him.”
Her smile is equal parts grateful and sad, so I give her hand a squeeze.
“Everything okay?”
“It’s nice to hear, is all.”
I frown. “That I like spending time with Connor?”
She nods. “Brandon, his dad…well, that’s the reason I picked him up early today.
Or I think so, at least. Kids weren’t part of the plan.
We weren’t that serious, and he ran. He came back, but when Connor was a few months old he said he didn’t want to do it anymore, that he wasn’t built for it.
Disappeared for a while again, came back again.
” Her eyes coast to my collarbone as I rub my thumb along hers.
“It’s so mentally taxing. You’re either all in or you’re not, you know?
Connor deserves to feel loved and wanted all the time.
I want to protect him from the people who can’t offer him consistency. ”
“I think it’s natural as a parent to want to protect your kids from everything that could hurt them.”
“Then how come his dad is the one inflicting the hurt sometimes?” She looks away, her nose wrinkling as she worries her lower lip between her teeth.
“It’s just…Connor was an accident, yes, but he wasn’t a mistake.
He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.
It hurts that, sometimes, it feels like I’m the only one of us who thinks so. ”
“That’s a heavy weight to carry, Rosie. I hope one day he realizes how lucky he is to have not only Connor but you, too, for bringing Connor into his life.”