Chapter 11
IVY
M y brain hasn’t caught up to what’s happening. Sawyer is here. My Sawyer.
At first I thought I was hallucinating. The sound of the door banging against the wall and quick footsteps heading in my direction still ring in my ears as the fear ebbs away. I assumed the worst since Reid and Zoe are the only ones who know I’m here. Nothing could have prepared me to see Sawyer standing in front of me, his face just as shocked as mine. The air left my lungs at the sight of him.
“Hi, butterfly.” His deep voice and his name for me replay on a loop.
I shake my head and look into his gorgeous eyes. He’s changed so much, but his eyes are still those deep crystal-blue I used to get lost in. His rich brown hair is trimmed close at the sides and styled longer on top. He has facial hair that’s kept short, and his body has gone from that of an athletic, skinny teenager to a very fit, muscular man. He looks so different, but it’s those gorgeous eyes that stayed the same, only sadder, almost lost.
“We’re going. Now,” he declares.
Sawyer stands while still holding me firmly to his body. My legs wrap around his waist, and I collapse again into his chest and shoulder, taking a deep inhale. He smells like fire, cedar and something slightly sweet, it’s a comforting caress as I fill my lungs with him. It reminds me of safety, comfort, and love. The things that are so very specific to him. Things I haven’t felt in another person in so long.
He holds me with one arm wrapped around my bottom and bends to grab my phone and purse before heading to the front of the house. He walks us into the evening and shuts the door.
“As much as I enjoy carrying you, you need to get a helmet on.” He slides me down his body when I realize we’re standing in front of a gorgeous motorcycle. I don’t know anything about them, but it’s beautiful. The boy I knew had an adventurous side. He loved to snowboard all winter long and surfed in the summer. The motorcycle fits him perfectly.
He grabs the helmet that’s sitting on the seat and puts it on my head before adjusting the clasp and securing it.
“A bit big, but we’ll get you your own. This’ll do for now.”
I watch as he swings his leg over the monstrosity. He sits on the bike, kicks up the stand, and gets comfortable before looking at me. Even through the haze of my emotions, the sight of him sitting on it does something to me. Warmth trickles down my spine and my traitorous pussy is screaming at me in remembrance of him. Our height difference puts us about eye to eye now and I must look like a fool just staring numbly at him. At least he has no idea how wet he just made me. The simple act of him sitting on a motorcycle does more to light up my body than anything else in the last decade. Except for maybe this afternoon when I met Reid.
Because, of fucking course.
“Get on the bike, Ivy.”
I glance up at the house and know that I don’t want to go back in. The lonely memories of growing up there are too thick.
Of watching my mother wilt at the hands of my father.
Her words of advice to me to never sacrifice my dreams for a man.
Of knowing that she had to grow up too young and died before she ever got the chance to really live.
I look back at Sawyer, my mother’s voice raging in my head, telling me not to leave with him. The boy who was so sure our lives were meant to be spent together. The boy who would have done anything to keep me. The look written all over his face confirms he knows the battle raging inside my head. Like he’s waiting for me to choose.
I nod before I climb on the motorcycle behind him, keeping my hands pressed against my thighs, unsure what to do with them. Sawyer reaches back and grabs my wrists, pulling my stomach and chest flush against his back, wrapping my hands around his waist.
“Feet on the pegs, sit still, lean with me. Got it, baby?”
“I think so.”
“Hold on tight,” he says right before starting it up. The rumble of the engine vibrates through me and he slowly pulls us out of the long driveway before increasing our speed. I instinctually lean in closer and grip harder around his stomach. Fuck, he feels so toned everywhere. He mumbles something that sounds like “that’s my girl,” but I can’t be sure over the noise from the bike and wind. I watch the trees speed by, listen to the rumble of the bike, and lay my head on his back, completely lost in the moment.
I don’t even know how much time passes as we ride to his house. Who knew being on the back of a motorcycle would feel so freeing?
We arrive on the other side of town and take a long dirt road until we reach a beautiful log cabin. Sawyer removes the helmet from me as Reid is jogging down the steps of Sawyer’s porch.
I should have guessed. Traitor.
“Ivy . . .” he says as he continues to walk toward me.
Sawyer steps between us.
“Why the fuck are you still here?”
Reid approaches Sawyer and I take a nervous step back. Sawyer is a big guy, but Reid is massive. When I said Hulk, I fucking meant it.
“I know you have shit to talk about and work through, but I’m not okay with hurting her. So get the fuck out of my way, Sawyer, and let me apologize.”
Sawyer makes a guttural sound and I decide to step around them both before this escalates.
“Sawyer, it’s okay.” I place my hand on his chest over his leather jacket and he covers it with his own, holding it to him but never taking his eyes off Reid.
“Ivy. Heard you met Reid already. My asshole best friend.”
That stuns me a bit. Clearly they were close enough for Reid to be standing outside of his house, but best friends? The asshole must have run right over here to tell him. The sting of betrayal that I wasn’t owed by a stranger who showed me kindness is a painful misplaced ache. I turn to face Reid, my back to Sawyer.
“Best friend, huh? So I never stood a chance at hiding out here. Fucking figures,” I say to Reid, that misplaced hurt feeling a whole lot like rage right now. “Did you know? The whole time. Did you know who I was, who I really was and who I used to be to him?”
“Ivy. Please . . .”
“Answer her,” Sawyer says through gritted teeth.
“I didn’t at first. But after you said your name, it clicked. Yes. I know more about you than just that you inherited that house. I had to tell him. Please believe me, I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
“What the fuck did you just call her? Sweetheart? Is there more you’re keeping from me?”
Sawyer spins on Reid and I quickly shuffle to stay between them.
“STOP! Fucking stop! I don’t give a shit. About any of this. Please, Sawyer, just let me go to bed and tomorrow I will figure everything else out. On my own. So both of you, just please. Shut. Up!” I scream.
Both men freeze and look at me. Their faces mirroring each other, a mix of sympathy, concern, and anguish.
“You’re right. Let’s get inside,” Sawyer says.
“I’m so sorry, Ivy.” Reid’s voice is laced with regret and hurt.
“Show me where I’m sleeping, please. I just want to go to bed and deal with this mess later.”
“I’ll head home. I know you’ve got this, I just wanted to apologize. Let me know if you need anything, yeah? I’m sorry again, Ivy. Truly.”
“Yeah. Sure,” I say.
Reid hesitates but then leans in to give Sawyer a half man-hug thing. The two are obviously close. Fucking figures, huh? Here I was thinking the universe had given me a friend in AR who didn’t know me previously. Of course he’s best friends with the one man I wanted to hide from. Thank you, Universe, you evil bitch.
I follow Sawyer into his house, too tired to even pay attention to the space or how he lives. The adrenaline has worn off and numbness settles in its place.
“You’re in here.” Sawyer opens up a set of French doors into a huge bedroom on the main floor. I take a hesitant step into the room and am consumed by the smell of cedar and what I’m now sure is maple. The same smell I inhaled while he held me at my parents’ house. It’s all him. I turn to face where he’s leaning against the door frame, running his hand back and forth across his short beard.
“This is your room,” I deadpan.
“Smart girl.”
“Funny. I can’t take your room, Sawyer.”
“You can and you will. There isn’t anywhere else you belong. At least for tonight.”
My shoulders sag in defeat. Not having any more energy to fight him on it, resigned, I turn back to the room and take it all in. A king-size sleigh bed in rich cherry wood sits in the center with a dark gray blanket and crisp white sheets covering it. Matching bedside tables sit on either side and a large window gives a beautiful view of the night sky.
I hear the click as Sawyer shuts the door behind him, leaving me to myself.
Noting that I didn’t actually pack a bag like he told me to, I help myself to a shirt from his dresser. I strip down to my panties and decide to lose the bra as well. I put on Sawyer’s shirt, climb into his enormous bed, and curl up on my side. Fuck nighttime routine, I just need to sleep this day away. I lay my head against his pillow and pull the blankets up past my shoulders. The smell of him engulfs my senses. He smells more like a man now, but he’s still all him. I close my eyes and am flooded with memories.
Sitting on a log at Grace Beach watching the flames in the bonfire, Sawyer grabs my hand and pulls me to stand. “C’mon. Follow me.”
I tighten my fingers around his and let him lead me from our senior class to the other end of the beach where his truck is parked. He pulls open the tailgate and I smile at the sight. He’s filled the bed of his truck with blankets and pillows. He lifts me around the waist and sets me inside before climbing up and joining me, pulling the tailgate closed behind him. We lay down next to each other and stare up at the dark sky filled with stars, our hands clasped tightly between us.
“Oh my god, Sawyer! Did you see it? I just saw a shooting star!”
“Better make a wish.”
I close my eyes and wish for the first thing that comes to mind.
That this boy will love me forever.
I roll to my side to gaze at his gorgeous face.
“What’d you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true! You know the rules of wishing.”
“I keep all your secrets. Tell me.”
He brushes my hair from my face before yanking me by the waist closer to him.
“Tell me, Ivy.”
“I wished that you would never stop loving me. That you’d love me forever.”
His face lights up with the biggest smile.
“Easy, baby. Wish granted.”
He leans in and takes my mouth with his before pushing me onto my back and laying his body on top of mine. My legs fall open to make room for him. Our kissing heats up quickly and as clothes are removed and our bodies join each other, he tells me. Through every moment we’re with each other, under the stars at my favorite place in the world, he tells me. With every touch, every kiss, and every word.
“I love you.”
I wake up alone in Sawyer’s bed, my heart heavy and a knot in my stomach. It’s pitch black outside his bedroom window, but I don’t care to check the time. I know I need to talk with him, but the thought makes me want to stay huddled in his bed and hide under the warm blankets. So much has changed since we last saw each other and it terrifies me to face him. Will he understand why I had to disappear? Knowing that I’ve done enough damage by running and that avoiding the inevitable is only going to make things worse, I leave the comfort of his bed and the safety of his bedroom. I walk aimlessly through his dark, quiet house, the wood floor cool under my feet, until I see a flickering light from a small fire through a set of large windows at the back of the living room. My emotions are all over the place. I just hope I can find the strength to say what I need to say and that he’ll be willing to hear me out. I give the glass a gentle knock before sliding open the door and stepping out. He’s sitting on a long, plush patio couch, a glass of bourbon in his hand, watching the fire.
“Can I join you?”
“Of course you can. You don’t have to ask.” His voice is calm and my nerves settle slightly. I take a seat on the far side of the couch and watch the little embers float away from the fire into the night.
“It’s beautiful here, Sawyer. You’ve made a beautiful home for yourself. Do you . . .” I lose my nerve to ask. I know he put me in his bed and kissed me earlier, but that could all be explained and justified, we were both in shock. We were each other’s first loves. But part of me just wants to know before I’m surprised.
“Do I what, Ivy? Just ask.”
“Do you have anyone you share it with?”
He laughs. Actually laughs.
“No. No, I don’t have anyone to share it with. What about you? Do I even want to know?”
“There’s no one.” And isn’t that the truth. The only person I have left in the world is Zoe.
Silence stretches between us as we sit in the glow of the fire.
“Sawyer, I know I don’t have any right to ask you anything, I don’t even have the right to ask you about your life, but I’m going to anyway. I just need to know. Do you . . . hate me? For what I did.”
His breath hitches and he leans forward to set his glass down on the edge of the stone firepit before standing and moving closer. He sits facing me, our thighs pressed together, his body turned toward mine as his eyes study my face. I’m not sure what to expect, but my eyes flutter closed as he moves to hold my face in his hands. I open them slowly and my heart shatters all over again. His perfect blue eyes are a storm of emotions, filled with tears ready to spill over. If possible, even after all the turmoil I’ve experienced, my heart breaks at the sight.
“Do you really think you could do anything to make me hate you? Do you think I could share my life with anyone but you after what we had? Do you think any amount of time apart could change how I feel about you, butterfly?”
I choke on a sob as the dam breaks and both of us let the tears we were holding back flow freely. He pulls me into him, holding me against his chest as we both cry.
“I’m so sorry, Sawyer. I’m sorry.”
“Me too, baby. But now I have a question for you that I need answered.”
“Ask. Ask anything, please.” Desperate to comfort this man, I know I would give him whatever he needed in this moment to feel better, to fix the hurt that I inflicted.
“Why?”
Insecurity, vulnerability, and heartbreak are etched into his beautiful features and my heart aches for the pain I caused this man. I knew this was coming. I knew I would have to answer that question someday and that it would bleed me dry when it came time to explain the decisions that affected more than just myself. I sit up taller on the couch, putting some space between us so that I can look at him when I speak.
“There’s no simple answer. It was a multitude of things that contributed to me leaving,” I answer him truthfully. “You got into the University of Washington, and we were waiting for my acceptance letter. You had made all of these plans for us, and I wanted them too. But what I didn’t tell you is that I also applied to culinary school in California. As much as I wanted to go to California, I was willing to give up that dream to be with you and stay here, together.”
“Ivy . . .”
“Just listen. I won’t be able to get through this twice, Sawyer. It’s killing me,” I beg. “I hid the admission letter in my room because I was so happy that I actually got in and wanted to keep it as a memento. In June, right before our high school graduation . . .” I take a moment to pause, so desperately unsure how he is going to react to this next part. I wring my fingers in my lap nervously and look him in the eyes before continuing, “I had a pregnancy scare.” His face pales and he reaches for me, placing his hands on my thighs.
“What did you just say? Ivy, were you? Were we? We were so careful, baby.”
“I wasn’t. I wasn’t, I promise,” I quickly continue. “But my mom found the pregnancy test box and she was so heartbroken, Sawyer. She was already so sad. She said it would kill her to watch me go through what she went through. Even though we were together all those years, there was a lot I kept hidden from you that went on at home. I had this incredible mother when I was little, and by the time I was in high school, all of that light she used to have was gone. My dad slowly let her just disappear, Sawyer. He was supposed to love her and she gave up everything for him. She just withered away after. She didn’t want that for me. She was convinced I was blinded by you, by young teenage love, and making decisions that would change my life forever before I was ready to. She made me promise that I would never build my life around you or any man. That I would stand on my own before I settled down. Thinking I could be pregnant scared me. As much as I’ve always wanted to be a mom, I couldn’t have handled that. My mom added fuel to the fire. I should have gone to you. I know that. But she was in my head. I didn’t want to end up like her.”
Deciding not to bring up his part in manipulating me right now, I chose to focus on my part in all of it.
“Before I knew it, she had helped me pull my acceptance from UW and made phone calls on my behalf to the Culinary Institute. I didn’t know what to do. She made me question everything, Sawyer. I was just . . . numb.”
“So you left. You just ran away. The week you left you were so off. I couldn’t figure out why.”
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I wanted to talk to you, I just didn’t know how. There was a lot going on. I was so scared, and I know I took the cowardly way out. I planned to reach out to you after I got settled, but I was just so afraid of your reaction that time kept moving on, and then before I knew it, four years had gone by and I knew my window had passed to explain and be forgiven. I didn’t know how to do this.” I motion my hand between us. “I didn’t know how to explain.”
“Do you know what happened after you left, Ivy?” No longer able to look him in the eyes, I watch as he bounces one of his legs nervously.
“No . . .”
“I was so heartbroken I had to defer my admission for a year. I took a year off, barely left my bedroom, and hardly ate. I just couldn’t function. No one would tell me where you went or why you were gone. My parents forced me to go to therapy. You broke me, Ivy. You left and you took my fucking heart with you. I haven’t been fucking whole since!”
He stands swiftly now, pacing in front of me, his voice slowly getting louder. “There was no closure, no answers. Just this abyss of fucking nothing inside me.” He points to his chest with his fingers, roughly pushing them into himself. “So in your attempt to preserve yourself and your life, you destroyed me. And now you’re telling me that the reason you left was because your mom thought that we were like them? That somehow the love I gave you for seven fucking years would dry up and you’d be left an empty shell of a woman like your mother? That’s what you’re saying, Ivy?” He runs his hands through his thick hair and turns to stare out into the darkness in front of us. Unsure of what to say, I start apologizing.
“Sawyer, I’m sorry. I was barely eighteen. We were kids!”
He whips his head in my direction, pointing a finger at me.
“Don’t. Don’t you dare downplay what we had. You know damn well it was fucking different. You felt it, Ivy. I felt it! In every single look, in every touch, every kiss, every time I was inside you! So don’t say that again.” The venom lacing his words hits its mark and I can’t help but wince, my broken heart shattering into tiny pieces at the pain I’ve caused him. How many times can a heart break before it dies altogether?
I watch as Sawyer wipes the tears from his face.
I know he’s right.
I felt it.
And I fucking ruined it.