20. Ivy
20
IVY
W hen I woke to pee, I felt slightly nauseous, which made me feel nervous. James was in my bed, tangled around me. Not wanting to bother him, I carefully lifted his arm off my body and slid my legs out from under the blankets. I tiptoed to the bathroom and quietly shut the door, but my small pink makeup case caught my eye.
I'd taken a few pregnancy tests already, but none of them had come back positive. Still, my period was late, and it was unnerving me. I had a few more tests left, though I felt a little scared to take one again. I had felt nauseous a few times, though it was ludicrous for me to think it was even possible for it to be morning sickness so soon. But my nerves were shot too, so maybe that was what was causing the nausea and what made my period come late too.
I shivered as I pulled one of the tests out just to reassure myself and put these fears to bed. My clothes were strewn around the bedroom from my romp with James last night, and it was cold in here without clothes on. I sat on the toilet and opened the test and peed on the foam end of the little white stick. Then I set it on the counter while I finished up and washed my hands.
While I waited for the test to process, I slipped on my robe and perched on the edge of the bathtub. My bed called to me, but I knew I'd never get back to sleep now. When a few minutes passed, I picked up the test and looked at it, but in the faint light coming in through the window, I couldn't tell what the result was. So I flicked on the light and squinted as my eyes adjusted to the brightness.
There were two pink lines in the results window, but one was so faint I thought I was seeing things. My heart leapt up into my throat and I blinked several times to attempt to make my eyes work better, but no matter how many times I blinked, I saw the same thing—one dark line and one faint line, almost imperceptible. That sight made me want to vomit for real, but nothing came up.
I sat on the edge of the bathtub in complete shock for a moment. I had been such an idiot for not going to get the morning after pill when I feared the worst, and now it was too late. This test was telling me I was pregnant, and given how emotional I'd been feeling, even with my period only being a few days late now, I knew it was probably a fact.
I had gotten so excited and overwhelmed by the idea that James would invest in my company. Any thought of an unplanned pregnancy slipped my mind. Two million dollars was a lot of money, and that was all I could think about for days. I covered my face with my hands and stifled a sob as regret consumed me. I was so drunk that night, I didn't even remember the act of having sex with him, and now I was paying the consequences for that act.
My heart pounded and tears streamed down my face. I thought of all the things people would think of me when they found out I was pregnant and who the father was. James was lying in my bed after a night of sex yet again, and we still hadn't even spoken to each other about what was going on. We were both just out of really bad relationships, and everyone knows you don't just jump into something new right away.
People would take one look at me and think I was a gold digger, and they'd have proof of that too. Two million reasons I got pregnant and what James did to hide it. But how would I ever be able to hide it? I didn't want to raise a kid by myself, and I didn't want to marry someone out of obligation, which was what this would be. James was from the generation where if you knock a woman up, you marry her. But I wanted love—not an arrangement.
I heard a door shut, and it startled me. I swiped at my eyes quickly and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my face and blow my nose. When I cracked the door open to see what was going on, I noticed that James was no longer in my bed, which made me sad and relieved at the same time. I didn't want him to ask why I was crying, though I wished he hadn't just snuck out like last night never happened. It told me everything I needed to know.
James wasn't actually interested in a relationship with me. He saw me as an investment, a cash cow he could hop on for a while to make more money. He was investing in my company because I was good at what I did and he believed that, but other than great sex, I didn't think he was interested in anything personal with me.
That made more tears well up as I scurried to the door and locked it, then I scrambled to get dressed and find my purse and phone. I scribbled a note for James letting him know I was visiting my mother for a while, and then I ordered an Uber to pick me up.
Mom and Mimi were expecting me later this afternoon, but when I arrived, it wasn't even eight in the morning yet. Mimi opened the door for me, and I followed her up the hallway. Her auburn curls had been swept up into a messy bun, but a few stray curls bounced at her neck.
"You're so early… What, did Mr. Fancy Estate kick you out?" she asked playfully, and I winced. The idea that James would ever ask me to leave felt painful. Of course, we'd made an agreement that I would finish planning the events and that my stay at his house was just until the Valentine's gala was over. But that still loomed six weeks into the future.
"Uh, I just missed you guys," I said, but I couldn't hide the emotion in my tone. I was glad when we walked into the kitchen to find that Mom wasn't up yet. My heart was so raw, I had to talk about this, and I wasn’t sure I wanted Mom to know until I'd let it sink in a little more. But Mimi had been like my best friend growing up. I knew I could trust her.
She sat on the old wooden chair next to the tired table. It was a far cry from James's luxury, but it felt like home. I sank onto the chair across from her, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
"No coffee? What's wrong, Ivy?"
Before I could open my mouth to speak, my eyes welled up again and spilled over. I set my purse on the table between us, and when I put it down, Mimi grabbed my hand. Her fingers were warm from hugging her coffee mug, and mine were like ice from being outside.
"Hey, it's okay…" She glanced over her shoulder and then scooted her chair closer. The feet scraped on the old wood floors making a scratching sound, and her knee bumped mine, but she sat so close to me, she could put her arms around me.
"My God, I screwed up so bad, Mimi." I wondered if she could even understand me through my sobs, but she shushed me and patted my back. When she set her coffee mug next to my purse, I knew she knew this was serious.
"What happened? He didn’t hurt you, did he?"
"God, no, nothing like that." I pulled away, and she reached into her T-shirt and pulled a tissue out of her bra, and I rolled my eyes and didn't stop my chuckle. "You still do that?"
"Hey, it's in case of emergency, and clearly, this is a sister emergency." Mimi smiled, but she held my hand as I dabbed my eyes with the other. "So spill it, because I know that's why you came here."
I sighed and leaned back on the chair. It creaked under my weight, and I looked out the back window at the snow covering the back yard as I started talking.
"I'm pregnant, and before you say anything, no. It's not Mike’s." I turned to look her in the eye, and she had confusion scrawled on her face.
"Whoa… First of all, you're pregnant?" Her voice quieted, and I nodded. Clearly, she understood the gravity of this situation. "But who?"
When she leaned in and waited, I confessed it all. The sex with James, his donation to my firm, the way I was falling for him, and then all my fears… "What if he thinks I got pregnant on purpose, Mimi? What if he thinks I’m just out for his money? Maybe I should give the two million back and move back here with Mom like she suggested."
More tears spilled from my eyes, and she got up to get the box of tissues from the living room. When she came back and sat down, I finally undid my coat and took it off. The chill from my body was going slowly, but my heart still felt ice-cold.
"Well, you could get a lot of money out of this if you wanted…" She plopped onto her chair and handed me the tissues, and I shook my head firmly.
"No, I don't want to. I don't want a penny of James's money. You didn't see the way his heart was so broken over his ex-wife leaving him. I couldn't do that to him." I'd rather take this secret to my grave than hurt him more. James had been through enough.
"Well, then keep it a secret for now. You know you have things left to do for this contract he's paid you for, so don’t make that more miserable by bringing it up now. Give yourself time to think about what you want and how you feel. Do you love him?" she asked, and her eyes stayed fixed on my face.
I didn’t know if I actually loved him or if this was just an infatuation. I knew what I didn't want, and that was some man telling me what to do. But what I did want was to make sure James was okay. To make sure I didn't hurt him worse or make his broken heart break more.
I stared at the back yard and watched a squirrel hop up a tree and thought about what Mimi said. Should I just keep this baby a secret for the time being? And what if James was upset that I kept it from him? It was only six weeks, but the burden of hiding something so huge would weigh on me. Still, if I told him and it caused problems, where would I go? I hadn’t even found a place to live yet.
Besides, what if he really did decide that he had to marry me just because he knocked me up? I'd feel so much pressure to make him happy and not let him down, I might end up in a worse situation than I'd had with Mike. Why couldn't life be easy? Why did this have to happen to me?