Chapter 33 Cassidy
It’s almost midnight, and I still can’t fall asleep.
I’m not not trying to rest on purpose. But my mind won’t stop talking and coming up with dozens of scenarios, and I just don’t feel good. I’m exhausted, but I guess I’m not tired enough to fall asleep.
That doesn’t even make any sense, but here I am. Wide awake. Unable to shut my brain up.
I slowly rub my hands over my face as I stare up at the ceiling, my mind now focusing on the guilt I feel about how I talked to Marcus today. He’s so kind and caring, and he just wants to look after me.
But all of the attention from him and the others stresses me out. It’s like every move of mine is watched, and they’re just waiting for me to mess up so that they can correct me and put me back on track. Now that they know their baby is inside of me, they’re not going to let up on that.
And now I feel like a jerk for complaining about their attentiveness and care.
I roll onto my side to face the nightstand that my phone is on. I could text them and tell them to come over. We could talk and establish some boundaries.
But what’s the point in doing all of that when the results are coming soon and they could change everything?
I don’t see Marcus or Jackson running for the hills if the baby is theirs, but I’m not completely optimistic about Tyler. I’ve never seen him so shaken up and anxious before, and we’ve barely spoken to each other.
I grab my phone and pull up his contact, my finger hovering over the call button. Or maybe I should text first and see if he’s awake. Maybe it’s rude to call first.
I flinch when I hear a light knock on my door, my eyes flying to that direction to see a break in the light reaching under my door from the lit hallway. Did I somehow conjure him?
I switch on the lamp on my nightstand and get out of bed, my feet aching in protest as I make my way to the door. When I unlock it and open it, I face one of the last people that I would’ve expected.
“Sarah.”
A tiny smile appears on her face as she stands out in the hallway in her light pink, satin pajama set. Her hair is still wrapped around a heatless curl rod that arches over her head.
I’d laugh if the circumstances were different.
“Did I wake you?” she whispers.
I shake my head as I wrap my arms around myself. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me either,” she admits as she shifts restlessly on her feet. “I haven’t been able to since I learned the news.”
I gnaw on my bottom lip as we stare at each other. If she hadn’t said anything to Ryan about what she overheard, maybe all of this could be avoided.
No, Derek would’ve said something if she hadn’t. She just sped things up.
Yet I can’t bring myself to be furious with her, especially when her face is clouded with guilt.
“What are you doing here? I mean, I’m glad to see you, but I haven’t heard from you at all,” I ask her.
“I came to talk,” she replies. “I should’ve come sooner, but…things have just been really chaotic lately.”
That’s an understatement. She has no idea how crazy and unexpected the past weeks have been for me.
I open the door wider and step to the side, letting her come inside. We gravitate to the bed and sit down together like we’re just having any other conversation, our legs crossing as we face each other.
Sarah picks at a loose thread in her white fuzzy sock. “I’m sorry that I went straight to Ryan instead of talking to you first. It’s just kind of complicated, you know? You’re my best friend, but…”
“Ryan is about to be your husband. It makes sense for you to pick him first,” I sigh.
It was weird at first when my brother started dating my best friend. I guess I kind of saw it coming because they got along so well and had that unmistakable spark. Part of me was worried that I would totally lose Sarah because she would focus mostly on Ryan.
But we still stayed close.
And I wasn’t angry at Ryan for choosing to date her instead of literally anyone else.
I just wish he would react the same to me being with the guys.
Granted, there are three of them, and one of them got me pregnant, but the principle is still the same.
He dated and is getting married to my best friend, and I have feelings that get deeper and deeper for his best friends.
“I’m sorry,” she says, shrinking into herself like I’m going to lash out at her.
I shake my head. “You don’t have to be. I get it. I just wish you guys found out in a different way.”
I didn’t even really have a solid plan in mind for breaking the news to them. Maybe in a peaceful environment over dinner or coffee? Maybe alcohol would need to be involved to really keep everyone relaxed.
Whatever I would’ve planned would’ve been better than what actually happened.
Sarah nods with a sympathetic look on her face. “I think that would’ve helped Ryan react to all of this a little better.”
“How is he? I haven’t heard from him since he came to my room last night.”
Sarah’s eyes leave mine as she peers back down at her sock. “I’ve been doing my best to calm him down and help him look at the situation differently, but he’s still upset. He’s wounded.”
“Wounded?” I say, nearly getting choked up.
Hearing that he was angry would be easier to swallow.
“He says that he trusted his friends, and they betrayed him by going behind his back,” she replies. “He really takes stuff like that to heart. You’re one of the most important people in his life, and he just wants to protect you.”
“I understand that if it was someone he didn’t know, but he has known all three of them since they were teenagers. He knows that they’re good guys.”
“I believe they are too. I just think that finding out that you’re pregnant too sent him spiraling a little. He never expected one of his best friends to knock up his little sister,” Sarah points out.
“I didn’t expect him to marry my best friend either.”
Her face dims. “I told you that I didn’t plan on falling in love with your brother.”
I reach out to touch her arm. “I know you didn’t. And I didn’t plan any of this either.”
Sarah places her hand over mine and squeezes. “I know. It’s just crazy. You’re pregnant! I thought I’d beat you to it.”
The humor in her voice helps me relax a little, but the tension between us isn’t totally gone. Maybe it’ll never be.
If Ryan asked her not to talk to me anymore, I honestly don’t know what she would choose to do. She loves him so dearly.
“I’m getting used to it more,” I say as I brush my hand over my stomach. I swear I’m starting to see a slight bump form, but maybe I’m just tricking myself into seeing one.
“I never suspected a thing. I feel like a bad friend for not realizing,” she says with a sheepish smile.
I’ve become nauseatingly good at lying lately.
“It has been difficult avoiding alcohol at a resort, but I’ve managed to make up reasons to deny drinks or just pretend that I was drinking them,” I reply, watching her eyes widen in realization. Now, she’s going to start piecing some things together.
“And you’ve been so tired lately. And you haven’t been eating as much as usual because you probably have morning sickness. Of course!” Sarah says, snapping her fingers. “I can’t believe I never noticed any of that. I’ve just been so distracted.”
“It’s your wedding week. That should be your only focus,” I tell her with a small smile.
I’m glad that she was distracted anyway. She probably would’ve noticed if circumstances were different.
“Has it been a difficult pregnancy?” she asks, her expression turning more serious.
“It’s been really hard,” I admit, my voice wavering for a second. “But I’m hoping the second trimester is easier. And maybe everything else will be a little less hectic too.”
Here’s to hoping.
“I didn’t stick around and eavesdrop after I heard you tell the guys that the baby could be theirs,” Sarah tells me. “How did they take the news?”
“Mixed bag,” I reply, my shoulders sinking a little. “Marcus seems like he’s the happiest. Tyler is freaking out.”
“And Jackson?”
I shrug. “I think he’s happy about it, but he doesn’t really show it that much. Not like Marcus.”
She cocks her head at me. “So, you’ve been with all of them. Are you going to choose to be with the father?”
That’s a loaded question that I don’t have the full answer to.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “We’re waiting on paternity results now. I don’t know how they’re going to react to the results.”
“It’ll be okay. If you really care about each other, you’ll figure it out,” Sarah assures me, giving me a small smile.
What I feel for them is beyond what I felt for Derek, and that scares me. They’re incredible guys, but if I have a lot to gain, I also have a lot to lose.
And if I lose them because of all of this, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
“I’m sorry for causing all this drama on your wedding week. I was trying to keep things a secret until after.”
Her face softens. “I know. It’s okay. I told Ryan to keep everything contained so that not everyone knows your business.”
I don’t know if he did that for my benefit or his. I don’t see him trying to do any favors for the guys right now.
“I hate this distance between us,” I tell her as the volume and strength of my voice drops. “We’ve never been like this before. We never fight.”
Sarah takes my hands. “I know it hurts him too. He cares so much about you.”
My eyes shift to hers as they burn with growing tears. “Why hasn’t he reached out to me then?”
She frowns. “He needs time. This is a lot for him to process.”
“Is he ever going to forgive me? Or the guys?”
Sarah looks away and shakes her head. “I don’t know, Cass. I want to say yes, but I just don’t know.”
The uncertainty of everything is killing me.
Who is the father?
Will Ryan forgive us?
Will the guys want to stay with me and the baby once the results come in?
And a thousand more questions that I don’t have the answers to.
“I’ll keep talking to him,” she promises me.
I turn my hands to squeeze hers. “It’s okay. Maybe he just needs to think things over himself. Maybe there’s too much outside pressure.”
Sarah nods and sighs. “I missed talking to you.”
“Me too,” I say, my voice threatening to crack as my emotions surge.
I just want everything to be okay again. I don’t even know when that was, though.
While I was miserable dating Derek? After we broke up when I was alone and heartbroken? After Vegas when I was only harboring one secret until I uncovered another?
When was my last point of being okay?
Of being exactly where I want to be in life.
Sarah leans forward and wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.
I swallow hard and hold her back, keeping my tears at bay for now. It’s painful fighting them off, but I manage to as we fall apart.
“I should probably go and sneak back into our room,” Sarah says as she swings her legs off the bed.
“What are you going to say if he knows you’ve been gone?” I ask her, following her to the door.
She shrugs. “Took a walk. Couldn’t sleep.”
“Thank you for coming to talk to me,” I tell her, my voice full of sincerity. She didn’t have to do all of this.
Sarah turns to me and smiles in a bittersweet manner. “I’ll talk to you again soon. I’m sorry I have to sneak around and do this. Ryan is just really upset, and I don’t want him to think that I’m betraying him too or anything.”
I nod in understanding. If Ryan feels attacked on all sides, he’ll really regress into himself. I don’t want that.
I hate that he’s feeling so tormented by all of this, and I wish he would let me put his mind at ease more.
But he’s stubborn. That’s part of what made him such a good step-in parent to me when we were growing up.
He refused to just stand aside and let me suffer because our parents couldn’t be bothered to properly raise us. He stepped up and never let the pressure make him walk away from the duty that he took up for us.
I miss that Ryan.
“Bye,” Sarah says softly before opening my door and slipping out of my room.
“Bye.”
The door thuds shut behind her, and I lock it. I’m not expecting any other visitors tonight unless someone else can’t sleep and wants to talk things out.
Which isn’t impossible given all the people who are involved.
I drag myself back to bed and turn off the light, darkness filling the room once more. I curl up on my side, feeling the same tears I fought off earlier come rushing back.
No one can see me cry in the dark.
My tears soak into my pillow as I press my face into it, my body shaking with quiet sobs as my emotions pour out of me.
At this point, I just want to go home and pretend that none of this ever happened.