Chapter 35 Cassidy
Ireally need to go home.
Instead of closing myself up in my room, I walk along the outside of the resort, hoping that some fresh air and sunshine will help clear my head and keep me from completely breaking down.
Of course, it’s overcast today, matching the gloominess that I feel inside.
Fitting.
I’m just waiting for the next inconvenience or disaster to happen. I shouldn’t have even been surprised when I heard that the paternity test results were inconclusive. Of course, they were.
It’s me. It’s them.
We’re magnets for trouble.
So, should we even be together? That’s what I want in the little fantasy that plays in my head, but that’s feeling even further and further away from reality.
Laughter sounds up ahead, and I lift my eyes as I walk down a shaded sidewalk to see a young couple with their arms draped around each other, glowing with happiness.
Could we ever be that?
Sure, they seem to care about my health and wellbeing, and they think that I’ll be a great mom. They’re willing to do five million things for me to make pregnancy and parenthood easier, which is amazing and thoughtful.
But is that all they care about when it comes to me?
Do they care about me outside of me being the mother of their child? Do they have romantic feelings for me like I have for them?
Do they love me in the same manner that I’ve grown to love all of them?
If they do, I guess that would make us all insane. But I’m the craziest for loving three different guys.
That’s three times the heartbreak if something goes wrong, and things just keep going wrong.
If I take their help and let them weave themselves into my life, it’ll hurt even more if they tear themselves away from me.
I just don’t see them uprooting their whole lives for me. Maybe their baby. But not me.
So, why put myself even more in harm’s way when I could protect myself and my heart instead?
I step off the sidewalk and stand under a palm tree, taking my phone out of my pocket. Part of me is waiting for the doctor’s office to call again and say there was a mistake and that they know who the father is, but what would that actually change?
I pull up flights back home on the night of the wedding reception. I’ll only be needed for the first hour. After that, everyone will just be drinking and partying until heading to bed. The next day, everyone will fly out whenever they want.
I’m not needed any longer, and I honestly think it’s bad luck for me to be there in the first place.
I find a flight three hours after the reception is supposed to start. That’ll give me two hours to check out of the resort, get to the airport, and make my flight. I’ll pack my things up before the wedding, so there won’t be any delay.
My goodbyes will just have to be short, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem.
I book the flight with a tap of my finger, but I feel no sort of relief when I see the email confirmation. It’s my escape. My ticket back home.
But what’s waiting for me?
A quiet apartment. An empty life.
At least I have my work.
“Cass.”
I lift my eyes to see Tyler standing on the sidewalk. Wow, he’s actually speaking to me. And looking at me.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask him.
“Taking a walk. Getting some air,” he replies, staying where he’s at. “You?”
“Same,” I reply, copying him and not moving. We just stare at each other.
Tyler nods, his mouth wilting a little.
If he won’t speak, I will.
“You’ve been distant lately. You’ve barely said anything to me since you heard the news,” I comment, unable to ignore the sting of pain deep in my chest.
I thought he was the one who could somehow make light of the situation, but that seems to be beyond his capabilities this time.
“I’m sorry. I’m just…processing things,” he tells me, only stepping closer to not block the sidewalk as people walk by.
“You’ve had days.”
“It’s big news,” he replies before sighing. “I don’t have any great role models to look up to when it comes to being a parent. My dad was always working and never around. My mom just flat out left and never came back. They’re not great examples to follow.”
“I understand why you’re worried. I do. My parents weren’t great either, so the only parental figure I can even look up to is Ryan,” I tell him. “But we just have to do the opposite of what they did. We just have to care.”
“You know it’s harder than just that. You have to teach them right from wrong.
You have to anticipate their needs before they can even talk.
You have to make smart choices so that they have the best life possible,” Tyler says, his forehead creasing from all his stressful thoughts. “It’s so easy to mess up.”
And I’ve already messed up so much before our baby has even arrived into this world.
But I’m not going to give up. One way or another, I’m going to figure out this whole parenting thing and do better than my own parents. I will do that.
With them or alone.
“I’ve needed you lately,” I say quietly. “And you’ve been gone.”
“You just told us to back off,” Tyler replies with a confused shake of his head.
Because I’m scared to let them so close.
But I don’t say that out loud.
“You haven’t even been present enough for me to have to tell you that,” I tell him. “I’ve never seen you be so quiet and distant before. Ever. Do you not want to be a father? I’d rather you tell me upfront if that’s the case.”
Tyler runs his fingers through his hair all the way down to the back of his neck. “I do. I just don’t know if I’m good enough to be one.”
I finally close some of the distance between us, allowing only a few inches to separate us.
“You’d be an incredible father, Tyler. You’d always make our baby laugh.
You’d show them how to dance and sing and have fun.
And you’d be present. You wouldn’t be your parents.
You would be there for them no matter what. ”
His face softens, and a slight sheen covers his eyes as he gazes at me.
“I’m scared,” he murmurs.
“Me too,” I tell him.
I’m scared to admit my feelings and be left heartbroken. I’m scared that everyone in my life will pity me or judge me. And even if I’m willing to, I’m scared that I’ll have to raise this baby alone.
What if the guys figure out that parenthood with a woman they don’t even love isn’t for them? What if they fall in love with other women and distance themselves from me and our child to build a whole other family?
Like there are so many ways for us to mess up as parents, there are so many ways that I can lose them.
“And I want you to know that I do care about this. I do care about the baby,” Tyler says. “I haven’t been vocal because I don’t care. I just…haven’t known what exactly to say.”
That’s what I figured. It’s just about the baby for them.
I’m glad that they care and want to be involved. I just can’t help but be sad that they don’t want more than a co-parent partnership.
“I’m sure we’ll all sit down and talk about things in a week or so,” I reply as I tear my eyes away from his.
“In a week or so? We don’t have to wait that long.”
I shake my head. “I’ll be so busy with last minute wedding stuff, and I booked a flight home after I do what I need to do at the reception.”
Tyler moves closer, coaxing my eyes up to see the shocked look on his face. “You’re leaving that night? Why not wait until the next day when everyone else leaves?”
“Because leaving earlier is the best thing for me. I doubt Ryan wants me around anymore than I already will be,” I tell him, not diving into all the other reasons behind my decision. “There’s no point in me staying here any longer.”
He frowns. “But—”
“I should go inside. I’m feeling a little too hot,” I interrupt him, pressing the back of my hand against my forehead.
It actually feels fine outside.
Tyler breathes in like he’s going to speak again, but I walk past him and head to the nearest side entrance, feeling his gaze on me the whole time.
I know it isn’t fair of me to punish them for being kind, but there has to be some distance between us. We can’t be as close as I want to because that just puts me at risk of heartache even more.
This pregnancy has been hard enough. I don’t want to deal with a broken heart on top of nausea, body aches, and rollercoaster emotions.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Walking inside of the resort is always nerve wracking to me because I’m always afraid that I’m going to run into Ryan. If I see the disappointment on his face again, it’ll shatter me.
I’ve always looked up to him. I strived to be great because of him and all he did for me.
Now, he can’t even be around me, and that’s a type of pain that I never thought I would have to feel.
But one Las Vegas trip later…