Chapter 15
Chapter
Fifteen
September 8 th
8:29 P.M.
He didn't want to move.
Didn't want this moment to end.
Because when it did, he would have to break the heart of the beautiful woman holding him close.
A woman who looked at him like he hung the moon, who cared for his daughter as though she were her own, who fit into his family like she was made to, and who had brought his dead heart back to life.
“Mmm,” she moaned happily, pressing her face to his neck and nuzzling it. “You're so warm and snuggly, who knew you could be such a great cuddler,” she teased.
A lot of things he’d done in his life had felt impossible, insurmountable mountains he could never overcome. Losing his wife, being a single dad, missions he’d gone on with his team, watching his daughter get abducted.
In this moment this felt like it topped the list.
All of those things he’d never had a choice in. They’d been things he was forced to face whether he wanted to or not.
Unlike this.
This was a decision he’d made on his own, after weighing the pros and cons and knowing that he had no other options. Well, he did, but they were ones he couldn’t stomach.
So it had to be this.
All he could do was pray that Gabriella wasn't going to hate him and that maybe when they finally had the names of the other men involved in his mother’s rape and subsequent murder, she might be willing to allow him a second chance.
Who was he kidding?
There would be no second chance.
Once he did this it was done. For good. There would be no going back.
“Cade?” Gabriella asked as he slowly lifted his body off hers and pulled out of her.
She looked so sweet all sex rumpled. Her wild red curls framed her face, her cheeks were tinted pink, and her lips had that well-kissed look that begged him to claim them all over again.
But it was the bruises that stole his focus.
A reminder of what she’d sacrificed for him and his daughter. A reminder of what she would sacrifice again if those men got their hands on her. A reminder of why he was doing this.
“Hold on,” he told her, there was no way he could have this conversation with her while she was lying in his bed looking so delicious he wanted to bury his face between her legs all over again and then keep her right where she was and never let her go.
But that wouldn't be fair to her.
This wasn't Gabriella’s fight, and keeping her in the line of fire was selfish. It wasn't what you did for people you cared about.
And he cared about Gabriella Sadler.
More than he’d ever allowed himself to realize.
Going into his bathroom, he took a moment to compose himself, then grabbed a washcloth, ran it under warm water, and returned to the bedroom. Sitting on the side of the bed he carefully wiped her down, doing his best not to let Gabriella’s soft smile influence him.
“I always knew you’d be sweet and tender like this,” she told him as her fingers lifted and began to play with his hair.
Unable to stop a small rumble from vibrating through his chest, he leaned into her touch before he could stop himself.
No.
Don’t change your mind.
You're doing this for her even if she won't understand that.
Be strong.
Capturing her wrist, he gently tugged her hand away from his hair and then stood, needing to put a little distance between them if he was going to do this.
Confusion and hurt warred on Gabriella’s pretty face but he hardened his heart to it. He didn’t want to do this, but it was something he had to do. For her.
Better to just say it and get it over and done with.
“I think you should go,” he told her.
Her mouth dropped open, but then understanding flooded her eyes. “Of course. I don’t want Essie to get the wrong idea if she wakes up and comes in here. Which she probably will. We were both sleeping in here while you were gone. We can take things slow, I don’t want to confuse her. Once we get to know each other as a couple, we can let her know we’re dating.”
Damn.
She was making this so hard.
His chest was literally aching, and he realized he was rubbing at it with the hand still holding the washcloth he’d used to clean her up.
“That’s not what I meant,” he told her.
“What did you mean?”
“I think you should go. As in go. Leave the house.”
For a second she just lay there, shocked, as she stared up at him like he’d just spoken to her in another language, and she was having trouble comprehending his words.
“I … I don’t … understand …” she said helplessly.
“You're fired, Gabriella.”
Her sharp gasp of pain would echo in his mind for the rest of eternity, as would the horrified look on her face.
Why did this have to happen?
Why did these people who had messed with his mom’s life and created a ripple effect none of them could have ever predicted have to keep hurting him?
This wasn't what he wanted.
He wanted to be in his bed, his body curled around Gabriella’s, reassured by her warm presence that she hadn't lost her life protecting his child.
“F-fired?”
“I think you need to focus on yourself and your healing,” he told her.
“No! Essie is more important. She needs me.” Angry fire raged to life in her big green eyes as she scrambled up onto her knees.
“You let me worry about my daughter.”
She flinched at his words as though he’d physically struck her. “I love Essie as though she were my own.”
“But she’s not yours. She’s mine.” The words tasted filthy coming out of his mouth, and the way her entire being seemed to cave in on itself made them that much worse. He hadn't known that she couldn’t carry a baby to term, and he hated that for her because she was a natural when it came to kids. Worst of all, he didn't believe what he’d just said. Essie was every bit as much Gabriella’s as she was his even if she wasn't biologically related to the little girl.
“What was this?” she asked, waving her hand at his bedroom and her half naked body.
“It was sex.”
“You didn't just decide to fire me and kick me out when you walked into the bathroom. You knew you were going to do this in the hall, probably knew it all day. Why would you ask me to have sex with you if you were about to throw me out of your life?”
Because he was selfish.
Because he wanted one taste of her before he had to set her free.
The pink of her cheeks turned bright red as rage took over. “Was this thank you sex? Gabriella, you're not good enough for my daughter to stick around and help her heal from her ordeal, but thanks for allowing yourself to be beaten to protect her?”
“No!” He whisper yelled the word only because his daughter was asleep in the next room and he didn't want to wake her. “I wanted you. I have for a long time.”
“I don’t believe you,” she said as she scrambled off the bed and scanned the room, searching for the rest of her clothes.
Fair enough.
After this, she had no reason to ever believe him again.
It didn't matter that the truth was he was doing this because he couldn’t stand the thought of her ever being in danger because of him again. He was doing this to protect and keep her safe, because he cared deeply for her. Deeper than he’d realized until she was snatched away from him.
But why would Gabriella believe that?
“I can't believe you would do this to me, Cade. I can't believe you would rip me away from the only people I have when I'm at my most vulnerable. I can't believe you would take me away from Essie when she needs me. I can't believe you would use me for sex and then throw me away like trash.”
“You are not trash,” he growled as he stalked toward her, but she scuttled away from him like she was afraid of him, and he froze, his chest sliced open, his heart tumbling right out of it. He’d done that. Taken her feelings for him and soured them to the point that she was now scared of him and couldn’t stand to be near him.
“Of course I'm trash. I've always been thrown away like I didn't matter. By my father, by my mother, by all the foster families I lived with, by my ex, and now by you. Of all of them, you were the one person I thought would never hurt me. I thought you were the one person that actually saw me. I thought I'd finally found a place where I belonged, where I was wanted, where I was supposed to be.”
Her tear-filled words destroyed his soul, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he’d just lost one of the best things to ever happen to him.
September 8 th
8:42 P.M.
How could this be happening?
Never in her life had she felt so incredibly stupid.
Not just stupid but na?ve and gullible as well.
How else could you explain why she had ever believed that Cade could truly want her?
Even her own parents hadn't wanted her, and none of the foster families she’d lived with had ever cared about her beyond the money they got for having her live with them. Her husband had dumped her when she couldn’t give him the heir he craved, and now Cade was throwing her away because she was no longer useful to him.
What was wrong with her?
Why didn't anyone ever stick around?
Was she truly that unlovable?
“Look, Gabriella, I …”
Against her will her gaze darted to Cade when he spoke. He was agitated, his hands raking almost compulsively through his short dark hair. She got it. He felt somewhat bad about kicking her out, but she didn't want to hear anything else he had to say.
Any feelings she had for him died when he told her she was fired.
Damn that word hurt.
Mainly because it made her feel like she had only ever truly been the nanny, nothing more. Anything else she’d thought she’d seen or felt when it came to him and his family had clearly been nothing more than her overactive imagination and deeply ingrained desire to be loved and belong somewhere.
It was pretty clear this wasn't where she belonged though.
With no care or thought about what she was going through, what she’d suffered, he was kicking her out in the middle of the night and leaving her to fend for herself.
Feeling hollow, she snatched up her leggings and panties and quickly yanked them on then hurried down the hall to her room. She was vaguely aware that Cade had followed her and was standing in the doorway watching as she yanked out a suitcase from the back of her closet and threw clothes in it.
Growing up in foster care she’d learned how to pack quickly. She also learned that having too many sentimental belongings wasn't worth it because those could too easily be left behind if someone else did the packing for her.
Neither of them spoke as she filled the suitcase with as many clothes as she could fit into it. Whatever she couldn’t fit, she’d leave behind. She had more than enough money to buy herself a thousand new wardrobes so she didn't mind the loss.
Anything to get away from there and cut contact as quickly as possible.
This wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to Essie.
Regardless of what Cade said or thought, that little girl loved her and needed her. They’d endured that ordeal together and needed one another to get through the next few weeks and months.
At least he could have given them both some time before firing her.
Giving the room a scan, she didn't see anything else she needed other than her purse and cell phone, which were downstairs in the kitchen. Since her car had been the one they were driving the day of the abduction, she didn't have a vehicle. She’d have to call an Uber and have it take her to a hotel. She didn't have a house since she’d moved in with Cade, so a hotel was her only option. She’d also have to hire some bodyguards, just in case the people after Cade’s family mistakenly thought she was a useful tool to get to them.
Affording both the hotel and the bodyguards wasn't the problem, she was a millionaire after all, but it left her feeling so empty and so alone that it physically hurt.
When her gaze landed on the ragdoll sitting back in its place on the bed she shuddered. That damn doll had made her think something was going on between her and Cade, which had led her to believe he had feelings for her.
She hated that doll.
Never wanted to see it again.
She should never have kept it in the first place. Her mother hadn't cared about her and neither did Cade.
Grabbing the suitcase handle, she headed for the door and was forced to stop a foot away from it because Cade was still standing there.
Unable to look at him, she kept her gaze firmly on the floor and waited.
Eventually, with a deep rumbly sigh, he stepped back and allowed her past.
“Let me take that,” he said, reaching for the suitcase as she got to the top of the stairs.
Jerking it away so quickly she almost stumbled and fell, his hands darted out to grab her shoulders, stopping her from tumbling down the stairs.
Only his touch felt like a million frozen spears jabbing into her skin, and once again, she jerked away. “Don’t touch me,” she shrieked, somewhat hysterically. Unlike just minutes ago when his touch had grounded her, making her feel safe and protected, now it did nothing but remind her of the feel of those men’s hands on her body.
“Gabriella—”
“Don’t, Cade,” she ordered as she dragged the suitcase down the stairs.
She thought he hadn't followed, but when she found her purse and shoved her cell phone inside it, deciding she’d order an Uber once she was out of the house, she found him waiting for her by the front door, the ragdoll in his hands.
“You forgot this,” he said, holding it out to her.
Shrinking away from the doll, she shook her head. “I don’t want it. Throw it in the trash. Donate the rest of my clothes. I don’t want any of them,” she ordered as she edged around him to open the front door.
A wave of relief hit her as she stepped out of the house she’d loved, the first house she’d lived in that had felt like a home, and hurried down the path.
When she reached the sidewalk, she saw someone hurrying toward her. Since she recognized the figure as Jake she didn't flinch, merely ignored him and pulled out her cell phone.
“Gabriella? What's going on?” Jake asked, coming to a stop beside her.
“Cade fired me and kicked me out. I’m calling an Uber and going to a hotel. I’ll organize my own security,” she rambled in a monotone that scared her. It felt like she was shutting down, like every ounce of emotion had bled out of her on the floor of Cade’s bedroom, and there was simply nothing left.
“What the hell? Why would he do that?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” she intoned, setting her phone back in her purse, the Uber ordered.
“I’ll take you to a hotel, honey. I’ll stay and watch over you,” he offered, but she shook her head wildly.
The last thing she needed was to be around this family she’d already begun to think of as hers.
A clean break, that’s what she needed.
They both stood in silence as they waited for her Uber to arrive.
When it did, Jake forcefully took her suitcase for her and set it in the car’s trunk. Then he placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned down so they were eye to eye.
“I don’t know what's going on, honey, but I’ll talk to Cade, I’ll get this sorted out. He’s probably just panicking after everything that’s happened. If you need anything you have all our numbers, you call and we’ll be there.”
The kiss he touched on her forehead was brotherly, but she was already shutting down all her feelings for this family.
They weren't hers and they were never going to be hers.
The last thing she would ever do was call any one of them.
And she didn't want this to be sorted, she didn't want to hear from Cade again. If he could throw her away like she was used garbage when he knew she’d just lived through a horrific ordeal and had literally no family to be her support system, then he wasn't the man she’d thought he was.
He wasn't the man she needed.
Maybe there just really weren't any good men out there.
Or it was her.
Maybe she was the problem.
She was unlovable, she was trash, she wasn't worth anyone’s time, effort, or attention. She was nothing.
The drive to the hotel passed in a blur and she barely remembered thanking the driver and lugging her suitcase inside. How many times had she done just this as a child? Walk away from the house she’d been living in with nothing more than a bag of clothes. Always alone.
Checking into a suite, she left her suitcase for a porter to bring up to her room and stumbled in a daze into a elevator. Aware of nothing happening around her, Gabriella just clutched her purse in one hand and the key card for her room in the other.
Finally, the elevator reached her floor, and she looked through blurry eyes to see which hall her room was down. Getting inside her room was a relief. She was out of sight now, she could fall apart if she wanted to.
And she did.
With a sob that seemed to cleave her chest right in two, she staggered through the bedroom and into the bathroom. There was a huge walk-in shower and she stripped out of her clothes, turned the water on as hot as she could bear, and stepped under it.
Under the pulsing hot spray, she allowed her tears to flood out. Crying for everything she’d never had, everything she’d lost, and everything that would never be hers.
Alone.
The word screamed through her head on a loop.
Caving under its pressure, she sank to her knees and curled up in a ball.
Alone.
Always alone.
Always going to be alone.
It was time to accept that fact and stop pretending that somewhere out there was a family that would be hers.