Chapter 17
Chapter
Seventeen
September 14 th
3:39 P.M.
“Do you want some ice cream?”
“No.”
The sullen look on Essie’s face told him exactly what she thought he could do with his ice cream in four-year-old language.
Cade sighed.
It had been this way for the last week. Essie was grumpy, agitated, cried a lot, was scared of everything, and didn't want to do anything. She wasn't sleeping, was extra picky about her food, and was generally miserable.
She also asked about Gabriella a lot.
More than he’d thought she would.
Not that he thought his daughter wouldn't be devastated about the only mother figure she remembered suddenly being ripped out of her life on the heels of a massive trauma, he’d just thought his explanation would settle things.
Only it hadn't.
Essie asked about her several times a day, probably at least once an hour. It got worse at mealtimes and bedtime. He was an okay cook, but Gabriella managed to take simple things and make them a million times tastier and that was not a skill he possessed. At bedtime, he read to his daughter, but she cried that she wanted Gabriella to sing her to sleep. If he tried to sing, she complained that he was doing it all wrong.
Now she wouldn't even eat ice cream.
“Are you sure? There’s still some of the ice cream you and Gabriella made together.”
Tears filled his daughter’s big gray eyes. “I don’t want to eat it cos Gabby isn’t here to make me more,” she wailed.
Why the hell had he thought this was a good idea?
His daughter was miserable, he was miserable, and he had no doubt that Gabriella was especially miserable.
Now that his emotions had had a chance to settle down, he could admit that maybe this wasn't his brightest idea. He still agreed with his reasoning, but maybe he should have gone about things differently.
Too late to do anything about it now, though.
Forty-eight hours after kicking her out, Cade had caved and texted Gabriella, asking if she was okay.
She’d promptly blocked him.
If that sting of rejection was only a tenth of what she’d felt when he told her she was fired and needed to leave, then he didn't know how she’d managed to survive it.
The doorbell rang before he could attempt to comfort his child, and Essie jumped off her seat and ran for the door.
“Gabby!” she cried out, flinging it open only to sigh in disappointment. “Oh.”
“Sorry, messy Essie, it’s just us,” Cole said.
Without her usual complaint that she wasn't messy, Essie turned and trudged back to the living room, climbed onto the couch, clutched her teddy bear, and resumed watching TV.
Cade also sighed.
When were things going to start getting better?
“She’s still missing Gabriella I see,” Connor said as his siblings trailed inside his house.
“More each day,” he admitted. The same was true for him. Without Gabriella’s presence his house felt so empty, no longer the warm, inviting home it had been ever since she moved in with them. It was definitely true, sometimes you didn't know what you had until it was gone.
“So, when are you going to call her and fix this?” Cooper asked like it was actually that simple.
Sighing again, he dropped onto a couch in the lounge room rather than returning to the family room where Essie was, not wanting his daughter’s little ears to hear this. “I tried texting, and she blocked me,” he admitted.
“Then go to the hotel,” Jake said. His stepbrother had been furious with him since Gabriella had stormed out of his house and refused to let Jake take her to a hotel. It wasn't just that he’d fired her it was when he’d done it and how he’d done it. Cade could agree kicking her out at night wasn't ideal, but if he’d done it during the day, Essie would have seen.
“It’s not that simple,” he snapped. Did they think he liked imploding his life, his daughter’s life, and Gabriella’s life all in one fell swoop?
“Why the hell not?” Jake demanded.
“Bro.” Jax punched him lightly in the shoulder then dropped onto the other end of the sofa from where Cade was sitting. “Do you not have feelings for her?”
Throwing a glare Jax’s way a low growl rumbled through him.
They all knew the answer to that.
In fact, his brothers had known he’d fallen for the nanny long before he realized it for himself.
He didn't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way, things had shifted, and Gabriella changed from being Essie’s nanny to also being the woman who had him tied up in knots.
Still in love with his wife, he hadn't known what to do with those feelings, so he’d done nothing.
Ignored them.
Pretended they didn't exist.
But there was no getting rid of them.
Every time he saw her cuddling his daughter, or teaching her things, playing with her, and making her laugh, every time he saw Essie smile at her, looking at her with love and adoration, listening to her, and learning from her, his feelings grew.
Grew until he couldn’t ignore them anymore.
Couldn’t pretend they didn't exist.
Knowing that she had been abducted purely because he hired her to be his daughter’s nanny was tearing him to shreds inside.
She hadn't opened up to him about what she’d gone through, but he knew it was worse than what he’d seen, what he knew about. Thinking that she might be subjected to more horrors because of him wasn't something he could handle.
Shoving her out of his life was the only way to keep her safe even if it killed him.
Which it felt like it was doing.
“You know the answer to that,” he grumbled, annoyed he had to justify himself to his brothers. Mainly because in attempting to do so he was realizing how utterly unjustifiable his actions had been.
“Do we?” Connor asked. “Because you’ve never admitted anything.”
“To look at you it seems like you barely tolerate her when she’s clearly in love with you,” Cooper added.
“What do you expect me to do?” he demanded in a muted roar so he didn't disturb his daughter. “Do you expect me to have her stay here knowing we’re in danger? Do you expect me to send her away with Essie so she’s locked up somewhere with Delta Team? Do you expect me to hand her over to be assaulted and beaten all over again?”
“Why is it all or nothing?” Cole asked. “Gabriella is a big girl and didn't want to leave even knowing the risks.”
“I'm the cause of the risks. I'm the oldest. I'm the one who always insisted we had to make it up to Mom for treating her so badly those last few months by finding the truth. You’re all in this mess because of me.”
“Is that what you really think?” Cooper asked.
“Of course. I'm the oldest, it’s on me. And I wouldn't shut up about it because I felt guilty. I made it our entire life purpose, and because of that, Susanna was hurt, Becca was targeted, and all of you have been in danger. I can't live with myself if Gabriella is hurt again because of me.”
“Can you live without her?” Becca asked quietly.
That was the million-dollar question.
When he’d lost Gretel, he’d been convinced he would never be able to get over her, and while she would always hold a piece of his heart and she’d left a piece of hers behind in Essie, Gabriella now also held a significant piece of his heart. Living without her presence was nothing other than hell, but he couldn’t risk losing her too.
It was better to shove her away of his own volition than risk witnessing her death.
“Gabriella has been part of this family for a long time,” Conner reminded him. “Longer than Willow and longer than Susanna. Yet we’re protecting both of them, Becca too, and Essie, and Cassandra. We put precautions in place, they failed, but we can adjust, tighten things up, and keep our family safe.”
“You're trying to play God, Cade,” Susanna said gently. “Trying to control everything. I get you're the oldest, and you take responsibility for all your brothers and your sister, for Willow, Becca, and me too, and of course for your daughter. But you're not God and not responsible for all of us. You're allowed to make decisions that are best for you.”
“Even if it costs Gabriella her life?”
“You can't control the future. You protected your wife and still lost her anyway. Life sometimes just happens,” Susanna said softly. “You can't stop it, but you can enjoy it. You can grab hold of the happy moments and not let them go. I know that’s what I'm doing with Cole, it’s what he taught me.” She gifted her boyfriend a bright smile and he felt the love pulsing between them.
The same love that flowed between Connor and Becca, and Cooper and Willow.
The same love that he could have with Gabriella if he could get over his fear of being selfish and potentially costing her her life.
Which he wasn't sure he could do.
Because he’d barely survived losing Gretel, losing Gabriella too would finish him off.
September 18 th
5:53 P.M.
Her entire body ached.
The kind of throbbing pain that was hard to ignore.
Although Gabriella was giving it her best shot.
She was embarrassed to admit, even to herself, but she’d just kind of … given up.
All her life she’d been fighting to survive, keep going, and find her place in the world. After believing she’d found it with Cade, Essie, and the Charleston Holloway family then losing it, she just didn't care anymore.
What was the point of searching for something that didn't exist?
At first, she’d thought she had to find a way to keep going, to figure out what her next step was, work through her pain, and come out the other side stronger than ever. But the more she thought about it the more she wondered why.
Why did she have to keep going?
Why did she have to figure out her next step?
Why did there even need to be a next step?
Why did it matter if she got stronger or weaker?
As far as she was concerned, nothing mattered and it made zero difference if she just lay there and did nothing for the rest of her life.
Technically, she could if she wanted to. She had enough money that she didn't have to work again if she didn't want to. Had enough money to do anything she wanted, including giving up and staying in this hotel room.
When her phone, which was lying somewhere on the large king-size bed, dinged with a message, she considered ignoring it. After their visit the other day she blocked every one of the Charleston Holloway brothers and their girlfriends. Well, all except Susanna.
For some reason, she couldn’t make herself do that to a woman who, even though she had a family, had spent most of her life alone. It felt too unfair, and she didn't want to hurt Susanna, she’d already been through enough.
Or maybe it was her way of keeping a fingerhold on the world.
It wasn't that Gabriella wanted to die, not exactly anyway. She was just tired of living.
Tired.
Exhausted more like it.
With a sigh, she pushed herself up into a sitting position, fighting through a sickening wave of dizziness that made it feel like her brain had taken a ride on one of those horrible amusement park rides that tossed you up and down and side to side without her permission.
Finding the phone, she managed to lift it up and see a text from Susanna.
The woman had taken to checking in a couple of times a day. Usually in the morning, around midday, and then again in the evening. It felt like maybe it was because Susanna, a trained psychologist, was checking up on her because she was worried.
If she was honest with herself, Gabriella agreed that the woman had a reason to worry.
While it wasn't like she was actively going to take her own life, it also wasn't like she’d been doing much of anything to take care of herself these last several days.
The opposite in fact.
She still had pretty much zero appetite and wasn't eating anything more than the occasional piece of fruit that the bodyguards dropped off for her each morning. Sleep seemed like it had just evaporated from her life given how little of it she’d managed to get. Every time she closed her eyes, she was either back in that tiny room being forced to take beatings or perform sexual favors to keep Essie safe, or she was in Cade’s bedroom reliving the moment he’d told her she was fired.
There had only been one time she’d dreamed anything pleasant, and that was sex with Cade. But after waking up to remember how he’d thrown her out of his and Essie’s life, leaving her lost and alone, she’d sobbed so hard she couldn’t breathe.
Normally, she’d reply to Susanna’s text with an emoji or maybe a word or two, but today she just didn't have the energy.
No food or sleep were draining her bit by bit, and she wondered what happened when her energy finally ran out, leaving her completely empty.
Would her bodyguards come in one day to find her dead body lying in the bed?
Or maybe she’d last long enough for Cade and his family to find the final person involved in their mom’s rape and she wouldn't need any bodyguards. Then it would be some poor housekeeping employee who would find her dead body.
It was becoming harder and harder to see herself having any sort of future. Happy or not.
Tossing the phone back onto the bed as a wave of heat crashed over her making it feel like she was burning from the inside out, Gabriella groaned and shoved the covers off her body, kicking them away so she was left lying in nothing but her panties and a tank top.
Too much.
Too much clothing.
It felt heavy against her skin, and she realized she was covered in a thin sheen of sweat.
Staggering to her feet, she wobbled wildly and had to throw out a hand to grab the headboard of the bed to remain standing.
Passing much too slowly, when the dizziness subsided enough that she could stand unassisted, she stumbled across the bedroom and into the bathroom.
Too hot.
She needed to cool herself down and a shower was the perfect way.
Turning the faucet until the water came out one step up from freezing cold, she stripped out of her panties.
When she went to remove the tank top, she found that the thin material was stuck to her body.
“What the heck?” she mumbled as she moved so she was looking at herself in the bathroom mirror.
Her eyes widened when she saw that the left side of the tank top was a mixture of red and brown. That kind of yellow-brown of puss.
The bite wound.
It had been looking red and enflamed for days, and she’d known it was infected, just hadn't cared to do anything about it. The pain from the wound helped to dull the pain in her heart from Cade’s betrayal.
Anything was better than that.
Although as she tugged the material away from where it was stuck to her puss-filled wound, wincing as it ripped and tore her enflamed flesh, Gabriella realized that was probably a mistake.
She should have done something about the bite mark earlier.
Honestly, she didn't remember if a doctor had looked at it while she’d been in the hospital after being rescued. Considering she’d been covered in bruises and they’d known she’d been beaten, she assumed that they had, but she couldn’t remember if they’d warned her about infection, or given her cream to put on it.
That whole day was a blur because she’d been too worried about Cade and him trading himself for her.
By the time she’d managed to pry away the material from the wound, tears were streaming down her cheeks, and blood was dribbling down her chest.
Tossing the ruined top onto the floor she flinched at the sight of the wound. The entire left side of her chest was swollen and bright red. An angry red. Kind of like how she was sure her face had looked after the shock of Cade’s words had dulled a little and the anger had come roaring in.
There was no question about it, she definitely should have attended to this wound earlier.
Too late now.
It was a major note to how far her mental state had deteriorated and how deep into depression she was sinking that there was almost a bit of glee as she looked at her ruined flesh.
Infection was settling into not just the wound but her body as a whole. It was evident in the fiery feeling of her skin and the glassy look of her eyes. There was zero doubt she was running a fever, she was sick, and there was a little part of her that actually hoped she was getting sick enough to die.
That would solve all her problems.
She wouldn't have to think about what John Gaccione and those men had done to her, and she wouldn't have to live with this gaping Cade and Essie-sized hole in her heart.
Maybe it was for the best, Gabriella thought as she stepped under the shower spray and moaned in pleasure as the cool water danced across her overheated skin.
No one would miss her if she was gone. She was already out of Essie’s life, and Cade had never loved her. His whole family would quickly adjust to her not being part of them anymore, even more so when he hired a new nanny for his daughter.
The thought of someone else cooking Essie breakfast, driving her to school, playing games with her, and tucking her in at night sent such a shaft of pain through her chest that Gabriella dropped to her knees.
Cade would fall in love one day too.
A woman would share his bed and his life and be a mother to his daughter.
Just not her.
Never her.
No one ever wanted her.
Curling up in a ball on the shower floor, Gabriella sobbed until she passed out.