Chapter 18
Chapter
Eighteen
September 20 th
10:22 A.M.
“What is this place?” Essie asked, curiosity in her voice, and since it was so nice to hear something other than anger or fear, Cade relaxed for the first time since he’d broken all three of their hearts by firing Gabriella and kicking her out.
“It’s a cemetery,” he answered as he parked the car in the small lot and turned off the engine, shifting in his seat so he faced his daughter.
Essie’s little face scrunched up in confusion. “What's a semirary?”
Chuckling, he felt another little piece of peace slip back into his life. The more he made decisions about his future and what he wanted it to look like, the more he felt the panic tightening his chest begin to ease.
“Not semirary, cemetery,” he said slowly.
“Cemetery,” Essie repeated.
“Perfect. A cemetery is a place where people’s bodies get placed after they die,” he explained. Even though Essie had lost her mother when she was a baby, they didn't talk about it much and he’d never brought her to visit Gretel’s grave.
Maybe it was something he should have done long before now.
There just hadn't seemed to be any point. Essie was so little, and she didn't remember her mom, she wasn't old enough to truly understand what death was, and he hadn't wanted to try to explain it, mess up, and freak her out instead.
Now it was time.
If he wanted to have any chance at reclaiming the future he’d probably already ruined beyond repair, he had to do this.
“Dead peoples are here?” Essie asked, eyes wide as she looked back out the window at the rows of graves they could see from the parking lot.
“Yes. When someone dies the people who love them, their family and friends, have a special service called a funeral, and then after that they bring the person’s body and bury it in the ground.”
Essie’s eyes widened further as she absorbed this new information. “They puts peoples under the ground?”
“They do, but the person doesn’t know it because they’re dead. It’s just their body, they can't think anymore, can't see or hear anything, can't speak or do anything,” he said, praying he was explaining this in a way that a four-year-old could understand.
“How do they get dead?”
“Well sometimes they get very sick, or sometimes they get very hurt, or sometimes they just get very old. And then they die.”
“Does everybody die?”
“Yes, eventually everybody will die.”
“Like my mommy died,” Essie said somberly.
“That’s right. Your mommy got very sick, and she died when you were just a baby.”
“Is her body under the ground here?”
“It is. I thought maybe we could visit her grave together and leave some flowers.”
Essie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “If dead peoples can't hear and they can't speak and they can't do nothing, then why do we bring Mommy flowers?”
“You know what? I don’t really know. It’s just what people do. Maybe it’s just a way to tell everyone that we haven’t forgotten them and we loved them very much.”
“Did you love Mommy lots and lots?”
“I did.”
“Do you still love Mommy even though she’s been gone a real long time?”
“I’ll always love your mommy,” he told his daughter truthfully. How could he not? Gretel and the sacrifice that she’d made was the only reason he had his precious little girl.
“Does that mean I won't ever have another Mommy?”
“What do you mean?”
“If you still love Mommy then you won't get married ‘gain, and if you don’t get married ‘gain then I won't ever have a new Mommy.”
When he’d lost his wife, Cade had been absolutely positive that he would never get married again. The possibility of risking his heart only to wind up going through the same soul-crushing pain all over again was too much.
But time did dull wounds even if it didn't heal them.
And maybe … he was ready to take that risk.
“I wish Gabby was my mommy,” Essie said with a wistful sigh.
His chest tightened at his daughter’s innocent declaration. A part of him wanted to ask her to take her words back and tell her that she had a mother who loved her enough to delay possibly lifesaving medical treatment so that Essie could grow inside her and be born healthy. But the other part, the bigger part, knew that Gretel would be thrilled that Essie had a mother figure who loved her the same way she would have if she’d lived.
“That’s another reason I brought you here today. I thought we could put some flowers on your mom’s grave, but I also wanted to talk to you about Gabriella.”
Essie gasped. Looking at him with horror. “Is Gabby dead? Is she under the ground, too? Like Mommy?”
“No, sweetie,” he quickly soothed. “Gabriella isn’t dead.”
“Are you sure?” Essie asked, not looking convinced. “You said people can be dead because they getted hurt, and the bad men hurted Gabby.”
“They did,” he agreed. “But they didn't hurt her badly enough for her to die.”
“You made Gabby go away,” Essie accused, and he sighed, unable to refute her.
“I thought I was doing the right thing, but now …” Now he was pretty sure he hadn't done the right thing at all. The opposite in fact. He’d done the wrong thing and hurt all of them in the process. “Let me come get you out and we can talk more as we walk to your mom’s grave.”
Climbing out of the car, he helped Essie out, then grabbed the bouquet of colorful flowers they’d gotten from the florist on the way there. Then Cade took his daughter’s hand and they headed through the quiet cemetery toward Gretel’s grave. One he hadn't visited as much as he should have over the years.
“I need to apologize to you,” he told his daughter.
Essie gasped and looked up at him. “That means say sorry. Why do you need to say sorry to me, Daddy? Did you do something bad?” Essie sounded absolutely scandalized by the idea.
Cade chuckled. “I didn't do something bad, I was actually trying to do the right thing, but I did make a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked Gabriella to leave. That hurt you and it hurt her, and I'm sorry.”
Tugging her hand free from his, Essie wrapped her arms around his leg, hugging him with all the strength in her little body. “I forgive you, Daddy. Gabby says everyone makes mistakes, and if you make one you have to say sorry and try to fix it. You saided sorry, so nows all you got to do is fix it.”
That’s what he intended to do.
Or at least try.
There was no guarantee Gabriella would want anything to do with him, and he couldn’t fault her if that’s how she felt. What he’d done was unforgivable even if he had truly been trying to protect her.
“I’m going to try to fix it,” he promised. “I want Gabriella to come back home to us, but I don’t want it to be the way it was before.”
“You want it to be different? What kind of different?”
“I’d like to ask Gabriella on a date, and then hopefully, one day, I’ll ask her to marry me, and she’ll say yes.”
“Then she can be my mommy!” Essie squealed, clapping her hands and jumping up and down excitedly. “That was what I was going to wish for my birthday when I blowed out my candles. I wished it last year, too.”
He was pretty sure it was his daughter’s constant wish that Gabriella would become her mother and never have to leave her. While he’d love nothing more than to promise her he’d make her dreams a reality, he couldn’t.
Because, in the end, he didn't have the final say.
Gabriella did, and while she loved Essie, he was sure that right now she hated his guts.
“Daddy, when you go see Gabby, you have to say to her that you're sorry and you maded a mistake,” Essie said, so serious that he smiled and ruffled her hair.
“I’ll do that. Now go lay out the flowers for your mom, that’s her grave right there,” he said, pointing to the one they’d stopped beside. “Then tell her about you. Tell her all the things you like and all the things that you don’t like, what makes you laugh and what makes you sad.”
“Can I tell her about Gabby?” Essie asked uncertainly.
“Of course you can. Your mom would love Gabriella and be so happy that you have someone in your life who loves you so much.”
As Essie took the bouquet and skipped over to the headstone, chattering away, sounding more like herself than she had since she was abducted, he followed her to Gretel’s grave and began to talk. Cade told Gretel how grateful he was to have been loved by her, and that she gave him the most precious gift. He told her all about Gabriella and how much he liked her, how he’d fought his feelings for so long but couldn’t fight them a second longer.
And he asked for any magical otherworldly help Gretel could give him to at least secure a chance at convincing Gabriella to forgive him.
September 20 th
12:31 P.M.
It felt like she was burning up from the inside out.
Nothing helped anymore.
Gabriella didn't think she’d put on clothing in days. The feel of anything against her skin hurt, even the lightest fabrics. The pain, added to the pain already thrumming through her body from her injuries, and especially the bite mark, was too much.
Nausea was her constant companion.
It never left her alone.
Not even when she was sleeping.
Well, dozing more than sleeping because she still couldn’t seem to shut her mind off adequately enough to properly sleep.
Because she was still too afraid.
It was like she’d never be able to feel safe again.
Worse than just feeling nauseous was that it reminded her of the five pregnancies she’d lost. Even though she’d lost all of them before the five-week mark, she’d been pregnant with each baby long enough to suffer morning sickness.
So now not only was she terrified to close her eyes because of fear that those men who had hurt her would come back for her, or other men would come and do worse to her, but she was mourning the loss of her babies all over again.
No doubt that was triggered by losing access to Essie because whether it was ever a conscious decision on her part or not, she’d begun to think of the little girl as hers. Which was stupid because she’d always known the job had an expiration date. After all, Essie wasn't going to stay little forever.
But she’d thought that expiration date would be Essie growing up, and she’d thought that Cade would likely be okay with her staying in touch with the girl so she would always be part of her life.
This was hell.
Losing that little girl when she was already so vulnerable was slowly killing her.
As much as Gabriella didn't want to admit that she was vulnerable, she liked to pretend that she always had it together and nothing could break her, the reality of her current situation forced her to accept facts.
She hadn't handled the abduction well.
Refusing to tell anyone everything she’d gone through was proof of that, as was her lack of appetite and inability to sleep.
Pretending she was okay for Essie’s sake hadn't helped her.
The final blow had been Cade’s rejection, and it had lodged like a bullet in both her heart and her mind, poisoning her bit by bit as she wasted away.
It was like his words had broken something inside her.
That part of her that had always been so determined to fight for herself, to find what she craved and not stop searching for it until she did.
Looking back, Gabriella could acknowledge that falling for Cade had been a mistake. He was emotionally unavailable, and she never should have put her entire life on hold because she’d stupidly fallen in love with him.
Her entire life had been built around Cade and Essie, and without them, nothing would stop her from withering away.
Which as she glanced down at her naked body, laid out against the cool white tiles of the bathroom floor, was exactly what she was doing.
Over the last few weeks, she’d lost a dramatic amount of weight. Enough that it was noticeable when you looked at her. Her hip bones poked out, and since she was lying flat on her back, she could feel her shoulder blades digging into the unyielding tiles. You could even make out some of her ribs.
There were times in her life as a child when she’d been in foster care that she’d barely been fed, her foster parents preferring to spend the money they got for her care on themselves rather than food for her, but she’d never been this thin.
Dangerously thin.
Especially with infection attacking her body.
The wound on her chest was so ugly, red and enflamed, oozing puss, that she couldn’t bear to look at it anymore.
A fine sheen of sweat coated her skin, and she was alternating between burning up so badly she literally prayed for death and then chills so bad that she prayed for a fire she could throw herself into for warmth.
Fanning out around her head, Gabriella knew her hair was a tangled mess of red curls, she’d be lucky if she could untangle them without having to chop off half her hair.
Which was a silly thing to worry about.
Because it didn't really matter.
Was she even going to be alive long enough to have to worry about it?
Death was circling ever closer and although there was a tiny voice calling out at the back of her mind, urging her not to give up, to fight like she always did, to start over and build a new life, she was slipping ever further away.
She didn't want a new life.
She wanted her old life back.
If it helped her keep Essie and Cade in her life, she’d take back sex with Cade. As phenomenal as it had been it wasn't worth losing them.
Part of her hated Cade for what he’d done to her. Throwing her away like she was nothing, the same way everybody else in her life had, she couldn’t just turn off her feelings for him. They weren't a switch and she’d loved him for most of the last four years.
More than the hatred was pain.
It hurt that he could do that to her.
Treat her like she didn't matter.
It wasn't like she was asking to be placed above his child she just wanted to be there for Essie. They’d both been through a trauma, and they’d lived it together, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that Essie needed her right now. And being there for the little girl would give her something to focus on even if she wasn't ready to face her own issues yet.
But Cade had torn them apart and now she couldn’t seem to find any will to live to hold onto.
Without it, it was already only a matter of time.
If she didn't want to live, there was no way her body was going to heal.
She should care.
She should want to live.
But truth was, she was just too tired of fighting. It was one thing to fight if you had someone by your side, fighting along with you. It was quite another when you had to do it alone.
Always alone.
Death had terrified her when she and Essie were being held captive. The possibility of dying and leaving Essie all alone had gripped her with an icy claw leading her to do whatever she could to protect her little charge.
Now, she had no such external motivation and death felt more like a warm embrace than an icy terror to be feared.
It was time.
Time to just let go.
Release the last tiny thread binding her to this world.
Not wanting to die in the bathroom, Gabriella forced her limbs to obey her command and rolled over onto her stomach.
For a relatively small wound, the bite mark hurt so badly.
Badly enough that tears streamed down her cheeks.
Fighting off a round of chills, the tears felt like tiny ice blocks against her skin.
With a moan, she managed to push up onto all fours and somehow she managed to get to her feet.
For a second she swayed precariously, sure she was going to go back down. If she did, she knew she wouldn't be getting up again.
But she remained standing and staggered into the bedroom. Once she got on the bed, she could close her eyes and just wait for nature to take its course.
Only she didn't make it to the bed.
Her legs gave out halfway there and she hit the floor with a groan. No longer able to control her body she slumped down. The rough carpet rubbed against her wound making it feel like a thousand needles stabbing at her torn flesh.
A wave of heat crashed over her and she cried out against it as nausea swelled. If there was anything in her stomach, it probably would have come back up, but she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d eaten.
Sounds outside her hotel suite caught her attention. It sounded like raised voices arguing.
Confident her bodyguards would handle it, Gabriella blocked it out and stopped trying to fight against what her body was telling her.
It was time.
Her eyes slid closed, and she went completely limp.
For a second she was sure she heard footsteps getting closer.
Then someone called her name.
It sounded like Cade’s voice, which confirmed what she already knew. There was no way Cade would be there so she was hallucinating. Her mind blessing her with one final thought of the man she loved before she drifted away.