June #2
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN
Brian: No. I haven’t! Should I have?
Jesy: It was literally one of the first things I did when you initially messaged me.
Brian: Really?
Jesy: Abso-fucking-lutely. You could have been a serial killer.
Jesy: Or a fan of The Muppets.
Brian: And those two things are on the same level, are they?
Brian: Actually, wait. Not important.
Jesy: Aye, it is important. And aye, they are on the same level. I couldn’t be friends with someone who likes The Muppets.
Brian: Didn’t you say one of your favourite movies was Labyrinth?
Jesy: I did.
Brian: So, what? You’re just picky about your puppet consumption?
Jesy: One has Bowie in tight pants. One does not.
Brian: Ah.
Brian: Okay, say no more. Moving swiftly on.
Jesy: If you like. But just know I am now having this conversation with David Bowie at the forefront of my mind.
Brian: A valid response.
Brian: Back to the reason I emailed you.
Jesy: Ah, yes. The ‘weird gift’.
Brian: Did you Google me and then send something to my office?
Jesy: What? No.
Brian: Are you sure?
Jesy: Fairly certain.
Brian: Okay.
Brian: Just so we’re on the same page…
Brian: You absolutely did not send an A1 poster of my face (badly) photoshopped onto Uncle Sam with the words: WE WANT YOU TO BE UN-MOTIVATED blazoned underneath?
Jesy: Oh my god.
Jesy: Is it spectacular?
Brian: It’s…
Brian: Well…
Brian sent attachment ‘Image003.jpeg’
Jesy: Holy shit, it’s massive!
Jesy: hahahaha!
Brian: Jesy!
Brian: Please say this was you, because it’s oddly specific.
Jesy: It was me! I sent it weeks ago and forgot!
Jesy: Oh, it’s even better than I imagined it to be.
Brian: So, let me get this straight. You Googled me. Found my company photo. Downloaded it. Photoshopped it. Turned it into an anti-motivational poster. And then sent it to my place of work?
Jesy: Well, I couldn’t send it to your home now, could I? That involves real stalking!
Brian: Did you ever consider not sending it at all?
Jesy: Not an option, I’m afraid. This was during my cheer up brigade era.
Brian: I see.
Brian: Well, thank you, Jesy. I feel positively un-motivated.
Jesy: Then my work here is done.
21 Jun | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Hang on…
Look.
I know this was well over a week ago now. But have you seriously not Googled me? Am I un-Google-able? Are you not at all curious about the dazzling woman with which you have been exchanging messages with?
21 Jun | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Hang on…
Nope.
21 Jun | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Hang on…
Just nope?
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN.
Brian: Would you like me to decorate the nope? Make it look real pretty?
Jesy: I’d like you to explain why you’re not interested in knowing me.
Brian: I am interested in knowing you. Which is why we talk. Every day.
Jesy: But you could know me so much more with a simple Google!
Brian: Are you sponsored by Google, Jesy?
Jesy: Shut up. No.
Jesy: You don’t care that I know what you look like, but you don’t know what I look like. I could be stalking you, you know. I could be right there, standing outside your office every single day, and you would never know.
Brian: Oh! That was you I gave a cup of coffee to yesterday? You’re looking well.
Jesy: Brian!
Brian: Jesy!
Brian: Would you like to know why I haven’t looked you up?
Jesy: Yes!
Brian: It’s because right now, in my head, you look like something akin to my aunt. Funniest woman I’ve ever met, but, for obvious reasons, completely unattractive to me.
Brian: I AM enjoying getting to know you, Jes. Without agenda or hope for something more. And putting a face to your name feels like dangerous territory.
Jesy: Why?
Brian: What if I find you attractive?
Jesy: You don’t have attractive friends?
Brian: Not attractive friends that I talk to every day, sometimes into the early hours of the morning.
Jesy: So, you can’t control yourself around pretty women?
Brian: What? Of course I can control myself around pretty women.
Jesy: Seems to me like you’re overthinking it then.
Jesy: You’re an incredibly attractive man, and I’ve somehow managed to keep our conversations neutral, without wanting to jump your bones.
Brian: You think I’m attractive?
Jesy: I wouldn’t kick you out of bed.
Brian: How flattering. I think.
Jesy: It is flattering. You remind me of that guy from Criminal Minds.
Brian: Which guy? The ruggedly handsome one? That’s got to be it.
Jesy: I don’t know who you mean, but if ruggedly handsome means adorable nerd, then yes.
Brian: Have you ever thought about searching up on your old friend Google, so I know who you’re talking about?
Jesy: Oh, if I must.
Jesy: Okay, I’m looking. I’m looking. Laptop is running extremely slow.
Brian: I’m on the edge of my seat.
Jesy: Spencer Reid! Played by Matthew Gray Gubler. If you grew your hair out a bit, you’d be a dead ringer for him.
Brian: Well, how about that.
Jesy: Of course, you lack all of his charm and charisma.
Brian: Lifting me up just to knock me back down.
Jesy: I like keeping you on your toes.
Brian: I’d hate to see how you treat men you would kick out of bed. So, when shall I come over?
Jesy: Are you flirting with me, Mr Trainer?
Brian: I just might be.
Brian: See how those lines are crossed so easily?
Jesy: There’s nothing wrong with a bit of innocent flirting.
Brian: We’ll see.
Brian: Fine. I give in. Now I need to see what you look like because in my head, I’m flirting with my Aunt Tess, and that’s going to send me to bed with nightmares.
Jesy: Have you ever thought about searching up on your old friend Google?
Brian: Very funny. Let’s see. Jesy Pattinson.
Brian: Lock your social media down, woman! You’ve got your whole life just there for the world to see.
Jesy: Yeah, yeah. Save the lecture and get to the good part.
Brian: Well. You don’t look like my Aunt Tess that’s for sure.
Jesy: Is it worse? Do I look like your mother?
Brian: Worse than that.
Brian: You are, as suspected, an incredibly beautiful woman.
Jesy: Oh, no. How are you ever going to control yourself around such a ravishing beast?
Brian: With great effort, I’m sure.
Jesy: Well?
Brian: Well, what?
Jesy: Who do I look like? Celebrity wise.
Brian: Umm.
Brian: That woman in Mad Men. The tall redhead.
Jesy: Christina Hendricks?
Brian: That’s the one.
Jesy: It’s the boobs, isn’t it?
Brian: You said it. Not me. And now I’m going to bed before this tips further into inappropriate.
Brian: Goodnight, my friend Jesy.
Jesy: Goodnight, my friend Brian.
29 Jun | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: A little birdie told me…
I hear your birthday is coming up. Boy, do I have a surprise for you.
29 Jun | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: A little birdie told me…
Will you please stop stalking my company website, woman!
29 Jun | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: A little birdie told me…
Why would I do that when it’s just a valuable trove of information! You wouldn’t have told me it was your birthday. You should be happy that I care enough.
And, oh, do I care, Brian.
Prepare to be blown away by my gift giving skills. To borrow some words from an old blue friend of mine, you ain’t ever had a friend like me.
(P.S You told me your birthday months ago, your website just reminded me).