December #2
Isla: As for Brian….
Jesy: I should tell him.
Isla: You absolutely should.
Jesy: Fuck.
Jesy: Oh! Okay, Cassie is pulling up. I’m gonna go grab my shit and I’ll call him when I’m in the car.
Isla: Good luck, hen. I’ll see you later.
Jesy
For once, I’m glad I live in Glasgow and the traffic is horrendous. It’s giving me time to plan what I want to say to Brian.
I am dreading this phone call. I don’t want to be a source of contention for another of his relationships. But I’d be lying if I said that email didn’t throw me for a loop.
“Just call him, hen,” I say out loud. “No rehearsal can prepare you for this.”
Well, I can’t argue with that logic.
I wait until I pull up at a red light, my fingers tightening around the steering wheel.
I exhale and glance down at the dashboard, pressing the call button before I can overthink it.
“Hullo?”
“Hi Brian. It’s Jesy.”
“Hey!” I can almost picture his smile, and I can certainly hear it in his voice. “I wasn’t expecting a call from you today.”
“I know. But I was in the car and figured why not.”
The lights turn green and I manoeuvre traffic until I can finally make my turning and get on to the quieter back roads.
“You’re on your way to Meadowcraig then?”
“Yes, thank god.” I smile at his answering chuckle.
“You’ll be happy to get some peace.”
“Happy doesn’t come close to describing how I feel right now.” I chew my lip for a moment and take a breath. “Hey so… are you on your own?”
“I’m at the office,” he says. “But there’s no one around. Everything okay?”
“Not…really. I need to tell you something and I don’t know how to.”
“What?” he asks with a chuckle. “By opening your mouth and speaking, Jes. It’s not rocket science.”
“It’s about Rachel,” I say, cringing at the immediate silence that follows. “She sent me an email.”
“She did what?”
“It was a couple of days ago, and honestly, it’s probably not even worth mentioning. She’s clearly just trying to be a good girlf—”
“What did it say, Jesy?”
The tension in Brian’s tone makes me pull over as soon as it’s safe to do so. I slump back in my seat and sigh. “She asked me to stop venting at you because it was negatively affecting you.”
“She did what?”
“Look, I really think—”
“Do not defend her right now,” he spits, his voice like ice. “She went behind my back and emailed you to tell you to stop messaging me.”
“To ask,” I clarify, as if that makes the difference. “And not to stop messaging you. Just no more trauma dumping.”
“That’s not her call to make!”
I jump at the anger in his tone. I’ve never heard him speak like this, and I feel rotten that I’ve made him get to that point.
“Would you like me to forward the email on to you?” I ask.
“Why? I believe you.”
I always thought he would. But to hear him say it floods my body with relief. “I think it would be helpful to read her words for yourself.”
After a moment’s hesitation, he sighs. “Can you send it now? Is it safe?”
“Yeah, I’ve pulled over.” I grab my phone and pull up my emails, my fingers hovering over the forward button. Not sending it at this point would just feel like hiding something. At least this way he can see that her intentions were good.
At least I think they were good.
I press send and feel my heart drop to my stomach.
“I got it,” he says, and his voice sounds more distant now as though he’s put me on loudspeaker.
“Okay, well do you want me to let you go and—”
“Stay on the line,” he says, his tone so firm I don’t want to argue.
We sit in painful, agonising silence for what feels like forever. I watch as droplets of rain race down my windshield, blurring my view of the scenery beyond the glass.
I don’t dare say anything, and I’m holding my breath. My heart is hammering against my chest as a million thoughts race through my head with such speed, focusing on one is impossible.
And then, finally, his voice is in my ear again.
“I told her you were alone,” he murmurs. The anger I thought I’d hear has been replaced with a deep sadness I don’t understand.
“What do you mean?”
He sighs deeply with a weariness I don’t expect. “I told her that you were pretty isolated in that house. Jerry and his family all around you, but none of your loved ones.”
“O…kay?” I say with a frown. “Where are you going with this?”
“But I am asking if you might consider venting to someone else,” he says, and it takes me a moment to realise he’s reading from the email. “Who is this someone else?”
“Well, there’s Isla and —”
“That’s not the point, Jes. She doesn’t know that. I told her you were isolated and her request would push you further into that isolation.”
“She knows I have friends, Brian. It’s not the betrayal you think it is. She was looking out for you.”
“Yeah? Then why did it take you two days to tell me?”
He’s got me there.
“I’ll take your silence as an answer.” He pauses for a moment before sighing. “I’m sorry, Jesy.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“Well, I feel like I do. What she did is not okay. And for the record, I do not want you to pull back from me.”
“I know—”
“Not when talking to you is the highlight of any day. Whether you’re venting or making me laugh.”
Oh no.
“You can’t say things like that, Brian,” I whisper.
“I can, I’m just not supposed to.”
“Brian,” I warn.
“I know. And don’t worry, I’m going to leave it there. I believe we’re both exactly where we’re supposed to be right now. But I don’t think this is the end of our story. Do you understand what I’m saying, Jesy?”
Shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it the fuck down.
“I understand,” I hear myself saying. “And…”
Don’t say it.
“I really hope you’re right.”
“I’m right, Jesy. One day, this is going to become a distant memory. You’ll see.”
You have received an instant message from:
Isla:
Isla: Where are you? We were expecting you ages ago.
Jesy: I know. I needed to pull over for a breather, I’m sorry.
Isla: Hey, no it’s okay. What’s going on, chicken?
Jesy: I love him, Isla.
Isla: Jerry? Well, hon. I know. But he’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. It’s just going to take some time.
Isla: Did something happen? Did Cassie message you?
Jesy: God. No. Not Jerry.
Jesy: Brian.
Jesy: I love Brian.
Isla: Oh, Jesy, love.
Isla: Okay.
Isla: How far out are you? Do you need me to come and get you?
Jesy: No. I’ll be there in like twenty minutes.
Isla: Head straight for the Rowan. I’ll have a shot of sambuca with your name on it.
Isla: It’s going to be alright, Jes. We’ll figure this out.
Jesy: There’s nothing to figure out, Isla. He has Rachel. And I have… well. I have Jerry. I’m married. Married.
Jesy: What was I doing? What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have responded to that email. I should have kept Brian at a distance.
Jesy: Friends.
Jesy: Just friends.
Jesy: I said it over, and over, until I maybe, sort of, believed it. Until I convinced myself that it was just casual flirting, a small, innocent crush. Just fucking friends!!
Jesy: And now look at me.
Jesy: In love with a man I can’t have and stuck with a man I don’t want.
Isla: Who says you can’t have him?
Jesy: What?
Isla: Brian.
Isla: Who says you can’t have him?
Jesy: Isla, please.
Isla: I’m serious.
Isla: You know I am not a fan of Jerry. Not even close.
But forget that for a moment and look at this objectively.
People fall out of love all the time. And I think your biggest crime here isn’t falling in love with Brian.
It’s been trying to convince yourself that you love Jerry when, honey, I don’t think you’ve loved him for a while.
Isla: It’s a scary thing to admit.
Isla: You’ve got bills, responsibilities, a life the two of you share together. And it’s scary to imagine what’s beyond that life. What’s waiting for you outside of this comfortable, but unhappy bubble you’ve found yourself in.
Isla: But when you can admit these things, there’s power in that, Jesy. It means you have options. It means you have agency.
Isla: Even without Brian in the picture, how exciting is that? The whole world waiting for you. The chance for you to figure out what you want to do, instead of someone telling you what they expect of you.
Isla: And it’s not like you’ll be on your own.
Isla: Home is waiting for you. We’re all here. Ready to welcome you back with open arms. Ready to help you find your feet.
Isla: You’ve just got to be brave, Jes. Be selfish for once.
Isla: Jesy?
Isla: You there?
Jesy: I’m here.
Jesy: I love you. But I can’t talk about this right now. I’m gonna set off. I don’t wanna talk about my marriage ending when we’re supposed to be celebrating yours beginning.
Jesy: It feels like a bad omen somehow.
Jesy: I’ll be about twenty minutes.
JESY has left the conversation.
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Are you alive?
The last time I heard from you, there was a chorus of ‘shots, shots, shots!’ in the background and a promise of check in when you woke up.
Now, when I didn’t receive a message the next day, I could forgive you. I figured you were disgustingly hungover. But then the next day came. And then most of today.
Still no Jesy in my inbox.
Shall I send out a search party?
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Define alive.
Urgh. Bleugh. Meh.
Eurghhhhh
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Got it.
You’re a zombie.
I would be so good in a zombie apocalypse, by the way. I have it all mapped out. What provisions I’ll need and where I’ll bunker down.
What’s your zombie survival plan?
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Have one last cigarette and throw myself to the zombies.
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
WHAT?
Granted I haven’t known you all that long, but I’ve never seen you smoke.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Ex-smoker.
But I’m going to die, I figure I should be able to enjoy one more for the road.