December #3
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
You wouldn’t enjoy it. The first one always tastes like arse after you haven’t smoked a while.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
I’ll have two then.
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
You’ll do no such thing because I am not letting you die to zombies. Clearly, I’m going to have to rethink my plan to account for your dramatics and willingness to throw yourself at the very thing trying to kill you.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Bold of you to assume I’m spending my apocalypse with you.
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Please.
At the first sign of reanimation, I’m jumping in my car and driving to Scotland to find you. I’m not doing the apocalypse without you. You’re just going to have to deal with it.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
God, are you going to be this bossy when the world ends?
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Bossier.
But you’ll be in safe hands. I’d give my last breath for you.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, hm?
Abrupt change of topic but did you talk to Rachel?
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Yup.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
That’s all I’m getting?
9 Dec | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Define alive.
For now.
I’ll tell you more when you’re back in the land of the living, but for the most part, everything is fine.
We’re fine.
9 Dec | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Define alive.
Aw, Brian.
I’m glad.
1 NEW SMS
What’s your home address? I’m tired of feeling like a stalker by sending presents to your office!
Text back quick, I’m at the post office. – Jesy
1 NEW SMS
Not sure you should mention stalking and home address in the same text. Send me yours too. I have a xmas pressie for you. – Brian
You have received an instant message from:
JESY
Jesy: I got a parcel today.
Jesy: And inside that parcel was a beautifully wrapped present.
Jesy: And beyond that beautiful gift wrapping was a box.
Brian: You better not have opened my gift!
Jesy: Was I not supposed to?
Brian: It’s a Christmas present. And according to my advent calendar, I have eight more windows until Christmas.
Jesy: You have an advent calendar?
Brian: Of course I have an advent calendar, are you kidding? A daily little treat. Why don’t you have one?
Jesy: Because I’m an adult.
Brian: And being an adult means you stop enjoying chocolate?
Brian: Anyway, not the point. Why’d you open the present?
Jesy: I didn’t.
Jesy: I was just winding you up. It did arrive though.
Brian: I know. I got the delivery notification. Where’s my present?
Jesy: On its way thank you very much.
Brian: Oh, I’m sure it is.
Brian: But where is it?
Jesy: Ask Ellie’s custom designs. They’re the ones that shipped it.
Brian: Custom designs, eh?
Brian: It’s a to-scale replica of Amelia Earhart’s plane, isn’t it?
Jesy: Since we’ve never discussed Amelia Earhart for me to know you’re interested in her…. Yes. Yes, it is.
Brian: I knew it.
Brian: Anything else at this point will be unacceptable. You’ve made my entire Christmas.
Jesy: Brian?
Brian: Yes, love?
Jesy: Shut up.
Brian: Yes love.
18 Dec | From: Rachel Nelson | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: We need to talk
I’ve never been a jealous woman.
Honestly, I’ve never felt a need to be. I’m pretty secure in who I am and what I offer in a relationship. But then, I’ve never been in competition for my man’s affections before. Why would I do that to myself, you know? Why would I put all my energy into a man who isn’t giving me the same back.
I’ve never done that. Never felt I needed to.
Not until you.
And the most annoying thing about this is feeling like I’m crazy for seeing you as my rival. Just friends, right? That’s what you both keep telling everyone.
You’re just friends.
So you should know your place, quite frankly. Friends shouldn’t be on the phone whispering and giggling to one another at three in the morning. They shouldn’t be messaging constantly and hanging out on video calls to the detriment of their romantic relationships.
You definitely shouldn’t be sharing every aspect of your day like you’re lifelong buddies with some overly complex relationship no one else can understand.
Not male female friendships, anyway.
I am Brian’s girlfriend. I am the one he shares a bed with. The one he fucks. The one he whispers sweet nothings to.
You are a woman in a screen.
You should not come before me and I am asking you politely, woman to woman, to readjust your boundaries and stop clinging on to someone else’s man.
It’s pathetic, frankly.
Also, for when you inevitably show this email to Brian. Hi honey, maybe now you’ll talk to me, hm?
You have received an instant message from:
JESY
Jesy: If you want to have a conversation with me, woman to woman, I’d suggest laying off the name calling. We’re grown women.
Rachel: I’d say I’m sorry… but I’m not.
Jesy: Seriously?
Jesy: That’s the way you want to play this?
Rachel: Do you know what he got you for Christmas, Jesy? The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel on vinyl.
Rachel: Do you know what he got me for Christmas? A bottle of my favourite perfume. I found it in his cupboard.
Jesy: Well, thanks for ruining my gift for me.
Let me return the favour. He got you the perfume, tickets to see some west end show you’ve been talking about, a signed copy of a book he stood in line for after you told him you were ‘gutted’ you had to work, and a new rucksack cos he saw yours was fraying.
Jesy: Get the fuck out of here with your point scoring and trying to belittle what he does for you.
Rachel: Admittedly, I didn’t know about all of that.
Jesy: No. You didn’t. You just jumped to conclusions after seeing the title of a song and assuming the worst.
Rachel: You can’t tell me your ‘friendship’ is normal.
Jesy: Actually, that’s another good point. I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, and the insinuation that they can’t is pretty insulting.
Jesy: You have a problem with me, clearly.
Jesy: And I’m okay with that. I’m starting to realise I can be friends with a bloke, but his missus is gonna hate me. But what I’m not okay with is you calling me pathetic.
Rachel: Well…
Jesy: Because do you know what is pathetic?
Jesy: Not confronting your man. The one whose bed you share. The one you fuck and share sweet nothings with. Even IF we were having an affair, which we’re not, by the way, you should be talking to your fucking man!
Jesy: What do you gain by talking to me and pissing all over your territory?
Rachel: Well, I’m hoping you’ll understand my perspective and have a bit of empathy.
Jesy: Okay. What does empathy look like in this scenario?
Rachel: Pulling away from him.
Jesy: No.
Rachel: What?
Jesy: No.
Jesy: I won’t be doing that.
Jesy: You’ve asked me before, albeit in a different way and my answer is the same. No.
Rachel: Then I’m right, you’re a bitch.
Jesy: Name-calling again. You know what, Rachel? Okay, I’m a bitch. But what you’re asking is inappropriate. And an insult not only to me but the man you care about.
Jesy: Let’s say I pull away. I can’t explain why without throwing you under the bus. So, all he’s going to know is his friend bailed on him for no good reason.
Rachel: That’s fine. I’m okay with that.
Jesy: You’re okay with that??
Jesy: And now I am okay with sharing this conversation with Brian. That is a piss poor attitude to have.
Jesy: I am not comfortable with you talking about him like this. I am not comfortable with you insinuating that his feelings are disposable. Quite frankly, I’m not comfortable with you.
Jesy: We’re done here.
Rachel: And a big ol’ fuck you to you too.
Brian
She has to know what’s coming.
And yet she’s sitting calmly on my sofa, watching Love Actually and enjoying a glass of wine.
It’s hard to equate this beautiful woman with the vicious harpy in the email exchange I’ve just read.
“Which part shall we discuss first?”
There’s a moment where nothing happens. She continues staring at the TV, not really taking anything in. And then grabs the remote and pauses the movie, turning in her seat to look at me.
“The part where your ‘friend’—”
“Stop,” I say before she can get the words out. “If you’re going to use air quotes the conversation is over before it even begins.”
She takes a calming breath, her eyes meeting mine. “She shouldn’t have shown you.”
“She absolutely should have,” I say. “You’ve made yourself pretty fucking clear in this conversation.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I insulted her—”
“You insulted me!”
She scoffs, picking at the arm of the sofa. “How do you figure?”
“When confronted about the genuine emotional turmoil I would feel about losing a friend, you said, verbatim, ‘I’m okay with that.’”
“That’s taken out of context,” she says, squirming uncomfortably.
“How the fuck can it be out of context when I’m looking at the fucking context?!”
“Stop swearing at me please, Brian.”
I put my phone to one side and take a moment. She’s right. That is getting me nowhere.
“Where has this come from, Rachel? Just last month you were sending her flowers and care packages. Now you’re treating her like an enemy.”
“Last month we didn’t have a massive argument about her which led to us barely speaking.”
“You think that argument was about Jesy?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “It wasn’t. I’d have had the same reaction had you messaged Darrell. It was about you going behind my back to make decisions for me.”
“Decisions that would have positively affected you!”