January
Subject: RE: New year, new me
What the hell happened? I’d barely spoken the words ‘happy new year!’ when my phone pinged and your message blazed on my screen.
What could have gone so monstrously wrong that your resolution was deemed unattainable three minutes after Big Ben struck?
Almost feels cruel to wish you a happy new year now. But I’m gonna do it all the same.
Happy New Year, love.
1 Jan | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: New year, new me
Nothing really happened. I was just watching Thomas and Jerry drown themselves in a bottle of whiskey (seriously, after everything he went through, and he’s still drinking), and I realised I fucking hate my life.
No amount of Miss Positive Attitude is going to change that. I live with awful people who do awful things and care about no one but themselves.
And you know the funny thing is? I was thinking about these books that get releases from another character’s perspective. Same story. Same events. Different lens.
It got me thinking.
If our story, mine and Jerry’s, was told from his perspective, how would I be portrayed?
I’m not perfect. I know that. But I think I have been a good wife overall.
Nine years we’ll be married this year. And in those nine years I have put him first. I take care of him, his family.
I didn’t get a dog because he was allergic.
And I kept a tarantula in the house even though I was terrified because he thought it would be cool.
I’ve loved him even at his worst when he was unlovable and cold.
But to see him guzzling another bottle of alcohol after I found him almost dead on the floor only two fucking months ago has broken something inside me.
“Oh, come on, it’s New Year’s.”
That’s what he said. Just like the glass of wine last week was because it was Christmas. In a couple of weeks, it’ll be “Oh, come on, it’s your birthday.”
And I don’t think I have it in me.
I don’t think I have the strength.
Through his lens, maybe I’m the villain in this story for kicking a man when he’s down. In sickness and health. That’s what our vows said. That’s what we promised each other.
I’ve been here.
Trying to get him through this sickness. This disease that is taking over his life. How many times have I told you about hiding a bottle, or refusing to buy him a drink?
I’ve suggested AA meetings, a sponsor, something that can help him in ways I can’t. But he doesn’t have a problem. He can quit any time. I need to stop being a nag. Stop ruining his fun. Why am I so controlling? Since when did I become such a bitch?
I helped nurse him back from the brink of death. I have poured everything into this man, given him all I have, only to realise that I am not enough.
Between me and the bottle, I lose that battle.
Every single fucking time.
And it hurts, Brian. It hurts because I married for keeps. I thought he was my forever after. I wanted it to be me and him against the world.
Together until the end, dancing to a crackly old tune at our anniversary while our brood of grandchildren watched on, realising that true love does exist and it’s staring them right in the face.
Instead…
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry because I know you don’t want to hear all this. Hell, I don’t want to feel it. Half the time, more than half actually, I am done with him. I’ve got one foot out of the door, ready to leave.
And something stops me.
Because there’s an eighteen-year-old inside me who still remembers the boy she fell in love with. And I keep hoping that the eighteen-year-old boy is still inside him.
Pathetic, isn’t it?
Clinging to hope that doesn’t exist.
I’m going to bed.
Happy New Year.
1 Jan | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: New year, new me
You don’t sound pathetic, Jesy.
And you’re wrong. I do want to hear this stuff. Even if it hurts a little to see you lose your cool over another man. But this is our situation and I’m aware it comes with some downsides.
You know, despite everything, I really wish Jerry could pull through for you. We’ve been speaking for nearly a year now and you’ve told me a lot of the bad. But you’ve also gushed about a lot of the good.
I know you love him. Even if you don’t want that to be true. Why else would you still be there when no one would blame you for leaving? You have options available (and I know I don’t need to point those out), and your life could be on a different path with just one step.
But you don’t take it.
Not to get all Dr Phil on you, but there’s a reason. And that reason is hope. At least I think so. Hope that things will go back to the way they once were. Or at least to a better place than they are now. Hope that the person you married is still lingering under the stranger you share a home with.
And you know, maybe there’s a bit of fear in there too.
Jerry, and your life with him, are familiar, even if you find aspects of it unsatisfying. What your life looks like beyond him is unknown, and I don’t blame you for being cautious about stepping into unfamiliar territory.
I’m guilty of it too.
I like Rachel. A lot, actually. I think if we made a real go of things, we would live a long and happy life together. She feels… solid. Safe. I can see where she can slot into my life and me into hers. With a bit of time… I could really love her, I think.
Plus, the thought of being single again fills me with dread. I know that would probably be the kind thing to do when my attention is elsewhere, but I fear I’m too selfish. So, to try and compensate for that selfishness, I try and give her everything she could possibly want or need.
Except for emotional availability, apparently.
But my point is, I do understand not wanting to let go of what’s safe, when what’s unknown could blow up in your face and leave you with nothing.
Anyway.
I’ve waffled on more than I intended to.
The main takeaway from all of this is… you are my friend first. I want to be there for you always.
Never feel like I don’t want to hear from you.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
You have received an instant message from:
JESY
Jesy: I’ve had one hell of an idea, and I either need you to encourage me or talk me down.
Isla: Ohh, intrigue. Lay it on me.
Jesy: Remember me telling you how Brian and I met?
Isla: Aye. Although how you ever managed to add him into your email chain, I’ll never know.
Jesy: Destiny. Clearly.
Jesy: Anyway. I never did take that spa day he paid for…
Isla: I’m never going to talk you down from a spa day, Jes.
Jesy: Glad to hear it. But not what I was getting at. No. I’m thinking I’m going to ask Brian to come with me.
Jesy: Isla?
Jesy: Issssla? Not the time to fuck off!
Isla: Walk me through it, hen. Tell me your thought process.
Jesy: You remember what I unceremoniously dumped on you right before your engagement party?
Isla: Remember? Babe, I’ve thought about it pretty much every day since wondering if that was going to be the day you told me you’d left Jerry.
Jesy: Interesting.
Jesy: Well. I’m not leaving Jerry.
Jesy: But I do think I owe it to myself to meet Brian in person and just… see.
Isla: So, you’re going to bang?
Jesy: What?!
Jesy: No! Isla, no!
Jesy: I just think that… I need to know for sure. It’s easy to convince myself that I love Brian. And I’m almost positive about how I feel. But there’s that little niggle in the back of my head that worries I’m in love with the idea of him.
Isla: Makes sense, I suppose. Especially when he’s offering you more than your husband is.
Jesy: Exactly.
Jesy: I know I have online chemistry with him.
But I get to filter myself online. So does he.
Even in video chats it feels like there’s a bit of grace that you don’t get in real life interactions.
Am I going to feel all fluttery if his hand brushes against mine?
Is my heart going to race if he looks at me in a certain way?
Isla: And if you do feel that chemistry with him?
Jesy: Then he and I need to have a frank and honest conversation instead of just skirting around it.
Isla: What does that mean? Skirting around it?
Jesy: Well…
Jesy: Okay, this is the part where your good friend becomes a not very good person. You’re going to judge me, and I want you to know I won’t hate you for it.
Isla: Fuck. What did you do?
Jesy: Nothing too insane. We’ve flirted.
Isla: Obviously.
Jesy: And the first time we got on video call we played truth or dare.
Isla: Uh-oh.
Jesy: Again, nothing crazy…
Isla: But?
Jesy: I flashed him.
Isla: WHAT?
Jesy: And he showed me his cock. Hard.
Isla: Again, WHAT??
Isla: If that’s not too crazy, I’d hate to see what you’d do when unleashed.
Jesy: I know. Not my finest moment.
Isla: Well, what else?
Jesy: Nothing. Promise. That’s as far as it’s ever gone. Other than that, everything has been words only.
Isla: Have you sexted?
Jesy: No. Not quite.
Isla: What does that mean?
Jesy: We’ve made very pointed comments about what we’d be doing to ourselves while thinking about certain things.
Isla: Right, yup. Got it. No more detail needed. Oh, God. Is that why you wanted recommendations for sex toys?
Jesy: Well…
Isla: Jeez. Okay, well. You’re right. I am judging you a bit. It’s not even that you’re cheating on Jerry — which you are, by the way. Frankly, the arsehole deserves it.
Isla: But cheating at all? I dunno, babe. It just seems beneath you. Especially because you know Brian has a girlfriend.
Jesy: I know.
Isla: Cheating on Jerry, I can rationalise. But by all accounts, Rachel is a decent person. Jealous at times maybe (although I can see why now), but she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.
Jesy: She’s not!
Jesy: Or at least…
Jesy: I don’t like that word, okay?
Isla: Of course you don’t. Doesn’t make it any less true.
Jesy: Isla, come on.