Chapter 10 #2
I hang my head. Yep, I deserve that. I wipe my mouth with the back of my arm and crawl up the bed to lie along his side. “I’m really sorry about that. I won’t do it again.”
“I didn’t mean for you to take that as a jab. But I need you to talk to me.”
“I don’t feel much,” I admit. I grab his hand and bring it to my not-interested dick. If anything, it’s like a worm trying to get out from underground when it’s pouring, so it doesn’t drown.
“Let’s talk about how you mentally feel. A lot of asexual people have said they feel used, gross, upset, unhappy, dirty…”
I shake my head. “This was my idea.”
“I know. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel that way.”
I close my eyes. His hand is still over my cock, mine cupping the back of his. How do I feel? Tired. I feel tired.
But the other emotions he suggested? “No,” I answer after a minute. “I’m just tired. But are you less stressed?”
“Yeah, Brek. I am. Come here.”
We shift and slide together until we’re wrapped around each other. Voss struggles to bring the blankets up and around us. I sigh once we’re settled.
“What’s going on tomorrow?” he asks. “You have plans?”
“Uh-uh. Do you?”
“I need to get the nursery together. Finish my bedroom baby stations. He’ll be here soon.”
My eyes open. “Are you excited?”
Voss doesn’t answer for a minute. “I am. I’m also scared and… wondering if I made the right decision.”
“What decision?”
“Lor didn’t want to keep the pregnancy. I asked her to, and she agreed.
The thing is, I’m almost thirty. People talk about women and their maternal clock ticking, but no one talks about how men kind of go through that, too.
Sure, we’re able to reproduce far longer than women.
Their clocks are biology, right? But men can feel the weight of time pass without having children too.
When Lor said she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, I had a moment of internal panic.
Now, or it might not happen. What if this is my only chance?
So I asked her to keep it, and she agreed. ”
“You’re not sure you want to be a father?”
“No, I’m sure I want to be a father. I’m just not sure I’m ready to be a father.
I didn’t see being a father happening like this.
You know, soon after we moved to the estate permanently, Dad asked us all if we wanted to build a house.
My brothers all did. His brothers did. But I wanted to wait.
I thought I wanted a house that my wife and I built together, with our family in mind. ”
“That’s not how this is happening,” I note.
“Exactly. All my decisions are sure. I research the fuck out of everything until I’m more than fucking confident with the decision I made.
I didn’t have that kind of time when Lor told me she was pregnant.
I didn’t have time to think everything through.
I don’t regret this. That’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m just…”
“Scared,” I suggest.
Voss sighs. “Yeah. I’m not ready. He’ll be here any day now, and I still feel like I’m barely treading water.”
“You’re not alone,” I remind him. “You have a really big family that loves you, and they’re all so damn excited about your baby.”
His nod is subtle. Slow. “I guess maybe this goes back to what I was thinking about Dad earlier. He’s not perfect, even though the world sees him as perfect. But even in all that imperfection, I’m not sure I can live up to Dad as a father.”
“I’m suddenly relieved that I have a shitty family. I have no unrealistic expectations for myself.”
Voss snorts. “Comforting. Thanks.”
I grin and hug him tightly. “Briar once told me that no matter how much you prepare for your child, no matter how educated you are on raising a child and parenting, there’s no one way to do it.
No one is ever truly prepared. Everything about raising a kid is trial and error.
The part where you pass or fail is in how you treat your child—giving them unconditional love and respect.
Teaching them kindness, love, strength, and to think for themselves.
Teaching them to love themselves, no matter who they are.
The end result is what’s going to determine whether you’re a good parent.
That’s why you all think your dad is the best parent because of how you all turned out.
You’re good, kind, strong people, and you stand up for what’s right.
You support, defend, and protect each other.
You’re not afraid to be yourself, no matter who that is or what that looks like.
And your dad is always right there with unwavering, unconditional love and support.
That’s what makes him a good dad. Not his mistakes along the way, but that none of you turned out to be hateful assholes or serial killers. ”
Voss laughs quietly. “Yeah. Thanks, Brek. That eases my mind a lot, actually.”
“Good. Now go to sleep. I’m exhausted. Orgasms are supposed to make you tired. That’s the chemical release in you. Why are you so interested in talking right now?”
He laughs.