Chapter 3 - LUX
?
LUX
“Hi, hyung,” I finally say as Lalo and I continue to stare at each other after an awkward near-collision in the lobby trying to sneak back into the building.
I know he’s trying to decide if he should chastise me for having snuck out after midnight or not, but he’s clearly done the same. It’s a ridiculous situation for two grown men, but given the lives we live, basically having a curfew isn’t all that unusual.
“Hey.” He gives me a subtle nod back, but he’s eyeing the black shopping bag in my hand. He’s still trying to catch his breath, like he’d been running or something, which makes sense given the way we narrowly avoided crashing.
I don’t say anything else as we walk to the elevator together and neither does he, but I can hear the rattle and clunk of the contents of his backpack shifting as he moves.
With his hair tucked up under his black ball cap and a mask pulled over his face, he looks even younger than twenty-five somehow, and would easily be able to go unnoticed outside on the dark streets.
I’m sure he wants to ask where I’ve been. Why I’m wearing light contacts and a hoodie with some American store logo on it that I stole from Nikko but is probably Jase’s since it’s about three sizes too big for me.
But he doesn’t. Just swipes his key card to open the elevator doors and steps inside, pushing the number to our floor without a word.
There are a lot of things that I appreciate about all of the other members and the way they take care of me and watch out for me.
I’m glad it’s him that I ran into. Chita, Ryo, and Tang would have asked way too many questions.
Nikko would likely have grabbed my bag out of curiosity and then immediately regretted it as soon as he saw what was inside.
When the doors open again outside of our apartment, Lalo lets me exit first, asking, “You want to eat something?”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” I reply, smiling as he unlocks the front door and kicks his shoes off once he’s inside. I do the same then hurry to my room, entering quietly so I won’t wake up Nikko.
He was dead to the world when I left over an hour ago, and he’s still breathing deeply as I carefully unpack my purchases and stash them in the box hidden under my bed with the rest of my collection.
Slipping my newly acquired toys out of their plastic and boxes, I wish Nikko had spent the night with Jase.
And that Lalo hadn’t caught me coming in.
It’s taken me years to figure out the best times to sneak out, which paths to take, and how to avoid being recognized.
Finding a store that didn’t pay any attention to me had actually been the easiest part—turns out nobody wants to make eye contact with anyone shopping for dildos at 2 a.m.
I wonder for just a second if I have enough time to prep myself for the plug I just bought before Lalo calls me to join him at the table.
Knowing I should wait, I slip the box back under the bed, where it belongs.
I’ll have to bide my time until Nikko is out and everyone else is busy or asleep before I can try it out.
Changing into my pajamas, I realize we have a meeting scheduled at the Task Force building coming up soon.
I can’t help but smile at the idea of walking into Kija’s office with that kind of secret.
As I take the contacts out, I’m getting a little too carried away in a daydream of opening myself up and sliding the bejeweled plug in, filling me so that I would be ready for him to take me later.
I have to slap my hand over my mouth to stop myself from moaning.
“Are you back?” Nikko’s sleepy voice murmurs and I worry that I might not have been successful.
“I’m here. Go back to sleep, ‘Ko,” I whisper, patting his arm as I pass him on the way to meet Lalo in the kitchen.
Tang and Ryo have appeared, likely summoned by the rustling of ramyeon packaging.
For all of Tang’s lectures about how we should all cut back on the late night meals we tend to have while we’re on a break like this, he never misses a chance to be around the table for a midnight snack.
I’m surprised sometimes that he doesn’t tell us to use our free time to try new workout routines.
“Luxie’s here, now it’s a party,” Ryo declares, ruffling my hair when I sit down beside him.
Lalo looks around, just seeming to realize there are other people in the room with him. “You might as well see if Nikko and Chi want to join us. I’ll make some meat to go with the ramyeon.”
Almost immediately after the words have left Lalo’s mouth, Nikko comes shuffling out of our room, sniffing at the air. “What’s going on? Are we eating?”
“Aren’t we always?” Tang asks, as he bounces off to go find Chita.
Moments later he’s dragging Chita—laptop still in his hands because of course he was working at 2 a.m.—and guiding him to the head of the table where his chair is open.
Tang grabs the computer and shuts it, Chita yelping in panic about something not being saved, then sets it aside. “Chill,” he instructs.
The older members have always taken good care of me, but it makes me happy to see them do the same for each other.
Tang makes Chita take a break, Ryo wanders over to the stove, stirring the ramyeon while Lalo chops up whatever meat he found in the refrigerator.
Nikko yawns and leans over to lay his head on my shoulder.
These moments where everyone comes together like this are my favorites.
We’ve always made a point to eat together, sharing family-style meals since our trainee days.
It was usually the only time of day we could let loose and laugh after being pushed to our limits in dance and vocal rehearsals.
But sitting around the table has always been where we strengthened our bond, cracking each other up and learning how to exist in circumstances that seemed impossible sometimes.
Six teenage boys trying to figure out who they were as individuals but also as a group while taking on a notoriously unfair entertainment industry—it could have gone so badly.
But instead we made the best of it. Made it work for us.
Late night spontaneous hang outs have been some of the best memories I have with the members.
I feel closer to them here in the quiet of our shared space than anywhere else.
There may be things I still hide from them—like the box under my bed—but I know that even if everything I keep to myself was exposed, they’d love me the same.
They might tease me endlessly and have a lot of questions, but they’d still have my back.
“Somebody grab bowls,” Ryo yells, entirely too loudly for the space we’re all in.
Gently pushing Nikko off of me, I jump up to get six bowls out of the cabinet, ducking under Lalo as he reaches for a serving platter. I always think it’s interesting—the way we’ve learned to move around each other—like the choreography we do on stage, but in real life.
A few minutes later, after everyone has their portions of noodles and meat and is eagerly slurping away, Chita asks between bites, “What are we going to do when we don’t have this?”
The silence is immediate. Everyone freezes, chopsticks hovering in the air, as we all turn to look at him.
“What?” I whisper, something like panic in my voice, because what does that mean? What does he know?
Chita stares back at us like he’s trying to figure out what just happened. “What what?”
“Is something going on, hyung?” Nikko questions. “Why wouldn’t we have this?”
“OH! No, I didn’t… God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything like that,” he explains hurriedly. “I was just saying, like, in the future, when we don’t all live together. I’m grateful for this. Who is going to make me take a break? Who is going to do the cooking for the rest of us who can’t?”
“Or shouldn’t,” Ryo mumbles under his breath.
As we all laugh at that comment, the feeling of relief from around the table is evident.
We all know that RYSING isn’t forever, but now definitely doesn’t seem like the time to call it quits.
There’s a lot going on now with several members getting ready to try some solo activities while the group is taking a breather after the last tour, but we have so much still planned as RYSING that I think all of us—and VOX—are looking forward to.
“Fuck,” Tang curses, which shows just how much he was freaked out. “I thought you’d heard something and were about to drop a bomb on us.”
“No. Nothing like that,” Chita assures us. “You know I’d tell you anything I knew as soon as I could.”
And he would. He’s a good leader for a lot of reasons and the way he communicates with all of us is one of them.
“I had a fleeting moment of hope that maybe TFE had finally come through on those apartments we keep hearing about,” Lalo deadpans. “You know I love you all. I’d still cook for everyone, and I know Ryo would, too, but damn, I’d like some more space sometimes.”
Ryo nods. “Of course, I would. Also yes to space.”
I immediately think back to the new toys I have, just waiting to be used.
It would be amazing to have my own bedroom, to have the freedom to lay in bed and fuck myself, slow and leisurely, lost in a fantasy of Kija doing me the same way, without worrying about someone else barging in or finishing quickly.
I close my eyes for a moment, savoring the idea.
There’s something kind of funny and a little bit sad about being twenty-one years old and having achieved so much but still not having a room of my own.
“Lux?” Nikko is elbowing me like I must have spaced out longer than I realized. “Your ramyeon is getting cold.”
“Here, you can have it.” I push my noodles over to him with a smile, like I wasn’t just imagining lazy afternoon sex with the man of my dreams.
“Excuse you. If anyone else is going to finish that, I will,” Ryo says, snatching the bowl away from Nikko before he has a chance to argue, which he wouldn’t anyway.
Everyone starts laughing again at him pulling the eldest hyung card, as usual, and Chita trying to lean back far enough to grab beers without tipping his chair over.
My daydreams can wait for a while. What I’ve got right now is too good to miss.