Chapter 33 Jericho
JERICHO
Damon is sitting on my lap, clapping his hands along to the song playing on the TV as we have a small celebration in Raiden’s hospital room for his birthday.
It’s not a great celebration by any means.
Tears have been shed and everyone is avoiding the elephant in the room, but nobody is pretending to be happy and I guess that’s the most important part.
Damon came in like a whirlwind, jumping up and down and telling me all about the surprise he had for Raiden. Sophie was right behind him, panting and toting a box with the fancy cake she decorated for us to share for the celebration.
Damon slaps me on the arm, trying to take my attention off the foot of the bed. I jolt out of it, shaking my head and trying to clear the negativity buzzing around my brain. I can’t though.
Because while everyone is sitting around talking, including Raiden in their plans and telling him what’s going on that he’s missing, my life is imploding and I can’t let anyone know it.
The doctor said he wasn’t sure if Raiden would recover. He said that, and then patted me on the shoulder like we were fucking friends out for a drink rather than him breaking the news to me that I might never have another moment with Raiden.
How can he say something like that? Does he not realize that his words have consequences and I’m the one dealing with those consequences?
He said he would have to run more tests, but as it’s looking now, Raiden could be on those machines for the rest of his life. But the doctor didn’t want to crush Ema and Rodney’s hopes just yet. Just yet, as if the inevitable is that Raiden will never wake up.
And everyone is around us celebrating while I carry this knowledge. It’s taking everything in me not to break down into tears.
“Uncle Jer,” Damon says when I finally give him my full attention. He’s looking up at me with brown eyes, exactly like Sophie’s. He’s so sweet and innocent and he shouldn’t be subjected to this kind of tragedy when he truly can’t process it.
“Yeah bud?” I run my fingers through his hair, brushing away the wiley pieces that never lay how Sophie wants them to.
“Can I do my surprise for uncle Rai now?” His smile is infectious and I try to take some of his joy and reflect it back so he doesn't think I don’t want him to do his surprise for Raiden.
Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be great.
It might just break my heart in the process, but I’ll do what I need to survive.
“Yeah, bud. Yeah you can.”
He claps loudly and attempts to stand on my upper thigh.
He doesn’t know about my prosthetic, so he slips when his shoe catches the edge of the sock covering the bottom of my leg.
I catch him around his waist and steady him.
He’s standing high above everyone, like a mighty prince waiting for his servants to acknowledge him.
“Everyone!” Damon squeals and the conversations promptly stop.
He has gathered the crowd. Hollis and Connor, taking up the corner with Connor resting his back against his boyfriend's front. Ace, Sophie, my mom and dad, Ema, and Rodney with their half formed circle around Raiden’s bed. All of their eyes are on Damon now.
“I need your attention. I have a surprise for uncle Rai!” Damon is precariously balanced on my lap and I try to hold him as steady as I can even as his feet falter.
“What is it, baby?” Sophie asks, the smile on her face reflecting so much of Damon, I’m hit with a moment of true awe at the concept of genetics.
Damon is Sophie remade, and I remember all the times Sophie and Jasmine spent hours practicing with Raiden while I watched them from my spot on Raiden’s bed.
Hour after hour while they moved and flexed and did whatever else girls do. But my eyes were purely on Raiden, watching his body flow from one movement to the next. Sharp precise cutting motions, like the waves against a rocky shore. He was beautiful. He was elegant. He was everything.
Damon looks down at me, reaching for my hand that is securely wrapped around his middle. I tighten my other arm around him and offer him my palm. When he has it situated the way he wants it, palm up facing the ceiling and tucked close to his upper body he inhales a dramatic breath.
“My teacher helped me practice because I wanted to be really good for uncle Rai.”
On his exhale, in his childish voice, he starts singing Happy Birthday.
He’s using my hand as a makeshift microphone stand with his balled up fist in front of his face.
The silly little song I’ve heard time and time again, year after year, but it has never meant as much as it does in this moment.
This little boy, singing happy birthday for his uncle Rai.
Even if he doesn’t know how much it means to Raiden, or me, or anyone else standing in this room.
When Damon finishes singing the last note, the only dry eyes left in the room are his. Ema and Rodney are clinging to each other for support, their combined shaking shoulders mimics an earthquake before disaster truly hits.
“That was beautiful,” my mom praises Damon, clapping her hands and smiling widely at him, tear soaked cheeks and all. My dad joins in the clapping next, and soon everyone is clapping Damon on as he takes a shaky bow on my lap.
He scrambles off me and turns around. Damon quirks his brow and reaches up to wipe away the tears lining my lash line. “Did you not like it, uncle Jer?” His voice is so sad, like he truly thinks that I would be disappointed in a performance as amazing as that.
“I loved it, Damon. You did amazing. I’m sure uncle Rai loved it.” And that I’m sure of, if Raiden was awake he would be joining in on the singing with Damon, belting it from the top of his lungs and spreading the joy to everyone.
But Raiden isn’t awake, and the doctor doesn't know if he’ll ever wake up. And I’m the only one who knows the truth of the dire situation.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Damon leans in close and I bite my tongue from telling him we don’t keep secrets, but maybe this once it’ll be fine and I’ll tell him secrets aren’t a good thing. Especially at his age.
“I had a dream about uncle Rai, but I was too scared to tell mom. She’s been sad so I didn’t want to make her sadder.”
His words have my chest shaking but I manage to ask him, “What was it about, buddy?”
“He told me that he loves me, and that he loves you. He also told me that he hopes I become a dancer when I grow up.”
Damon is promptly pulled away from me, my mom taking him off to my dad so they can share a slice of cake that Sophie made this morning for this pseudo party.
As it carries on, I feel the pieces of my soul crushing under the pressure. Compacting down until they’re nothing but dust and dirt, ready to be washed away with the rain.
I know Raiden loves me, even if we never got to experience it truly together. I can never doubt that, or doubt his love for me.
I have to keep being strong. I have to carry this weight and be here by his side until my dying days. I don’t give a flying fuck what the doctor says. Raiden is going to wake up. He has to wake up.
Finally the night dwindles down. Connor and Hollis are the first to leave, with a promise to talk to me tomorrow. It’s the same goodbye they always make, but now it feels more like an omen for what’s coming.
Sophie and Damon are next, poor Damon is fighting sleep and cried the whole time he was saying his goodbye to everyone.
He clung extra hard to me, begging me to let him have a sleepover at my house.
I promised him one day. One day, when Raiden gets to come home and everything is as it should be, Damon can come over whenever he wants and spend the night.
It broke my heart to watch his eyes fill up with more tears as his lips turned downwards, but I’ll make sure to fix it next time I see him.
I’ll spoil him with pizza, and a spiderman toy. It’ll be fine.
Ace leaves not too long after. My parents are sitting beside Ema and Rodney, the two guys talking about a basketball game that they both watched last night, catching up on highlights. My mom and Ema are just watching me, both of their eyes zeroed in on me and I shrivel under their scrutiny.
My dad finally stands, and Rodney follows. My dad slaps me on the shoulder and says he’ll see me tomorrow before Rodney and him disappear from sight.
Gee. Thanks dad for feeding me to the sharks.
“Jericho,” my mom says all serious like and I gulp. I flash back to all the times I snuck out of my house and went over to Raiden’s when I wasn’t supposed to and how everytime I would sneak back in she would be waiting there for me with the same expression on her face.
“Mom,” I parrot back hoping it’ll clear the obvious tension brewing.
“Me and Ema were talking…” and she looks at Ema. Ema nods her head in silent support and my mom continues whatever she was about to say. “And I’ve let you do this for far too long without saying anything. So, as your mother, I need you to listen to me.”
I freeze, the serious tone freaking me out even more. I’m prepared for a scolding. For monopolizing Raiden’s time when Ema and Rodney are also very obviously struggling.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You look like shit.
” Her harsh words hit me in the solar plexus, promptly knocking the wind out of my sails.
“We hate seeing you like this. And Raiden would hate knowing that you’re doing this to yourself.
So with that… You’re going home. You’re going to sleep in your own bed tonight and tomorrow you’re going to do whatever the hell it was that you did before Raiden ended up here. ”
I can’t, though. I can’t go that long without seeing him. If I don’t spend the night, I’m here before breakfast is brought up. I haven’t gone that long without seeing him since he’s been here and I refuse to do it now. Doing it now feels like giving up, and I’m not giving up on him.
“I see you shaking your head, but listen.” She stands in front of me, capturing my face in between her palms and tilting my face down to look her in her eyes.
“You can’t do this to yourself. It’s not healthy.
You’re going to run yourself ragged and then it’ll be too late.
You need a full night's rest and a nice breakfast. After you sleep in your own bed all night, I’ll come over and make breakfast.”
“You’re teaming up on me,” I accuse, stepping away and pointing my finger at her and Ema.
My anger is irrational, but if I let the pain take hold, I’ll never come up for air.
Anger is good, anger is something I can work with.
I’ve felt anger, I’ve been angry. I was in the military for fuck’s sake, and if you’re not angry at something in the military. you aren’t doing something right.
“We’re not teaming up on you–” my mom starts saying and I cut her off.
“You are! Ema was just saying the same thing to me today. The same exact thing and I agreed. Why are you trying to keep me away from him?” I’m hysterical now, accusing both of them for trying to keep me apart from Raiden but can’t they see it?
I don’t care how I look or what I lose. If I don’t have him, I have nothing.
Money doesn't matter. My house doesn’t matter. My life doesn’t matter without him. He’s the storm, bringing thunder and lightning and reminding the world that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. You need to have the rain to experience the good things life has to offer.
“Sweetheart,” my mom says slowly, trying to calm down the beast raging inside of me. “We’re not trying to do that at all. But we’re concerned. Don’t make us worry about you, too.”
Too. Too. Too.
They’re worried about Raiden, and somehow they’re still finding a way to worry for me. What I’m doing should be none of their concern. I’m still living and breathing, and that should be good enough. Why is it not good enough?
My inhales and exhales are choppy, not enough oxygen flowing in my lungs to combat my racing heart.
I can’t leave him.
Or.. maybe I can. Maybe I need to. To truly show them how much I need to be here. I’ll do their song and dance, and when they realize how much of a raging cunt I’m going to be without seeing Raiden, they won’t question me again.
“Just for tonight and tomorrow. I’m coming here no later than three. That’s it.” I list my demands like I’m creating something for them to take to the grocery store to meet my needs. I don’t budge though, I won’t.
“Okay, sweetheart.” My mom is too happy, the smile on her face soft and I have to turn my head as disgust coats my tongue. Not at her, but at the situation I’ve been put in.
They leave the room as I prepare to tell Raiden goodbye.
It never gets any easier, seeing him lying in this hospital bed. Eyelids shut, hiding away his irises that I love to look at so much. The usually smooth skin of his cheek is frail under my fingertips.
He’s still in there somewhere, and I refuse to give up on him.
“I love you, tiny dancer.” I kiss him on his forehead, letting his hair tickle my nose and for a second I convince myself that we’re lying in bed together and when I wake up, he’ll be staring down at me with a bright smile on his face.
I couldn’t be more wrong.