Eleven
ELEVEN
Kat
“Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer. You need to tell us what’s going on.”
Heaviness consumed me.
There was a tightness in my chest and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
None of it was anything I had anticipated feeling at a moment like this. Because my sisters were here to visit, and it should have been nothing but happiness and joy and fun and laughter.
To some degree, that existed.
But it was harder than I thought it was going to be to see my sisters again. I was doing everything I could to be the picture-perfect image of glee in front of them. It wasn’t as easy as I had hoped.
And I hated that.
Because deep down, I was happy for Amy. I wanted my sister to have the world, and there was no question Matt would give it to her.
But I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of discontent and longing. Sadly, I believed it was especially difficult now, following the week I’d had.
If nothing else, I’d been grateful for my ability to go to work every day. It was only when I was with my patients that I was distracted enough to not think about Graham and wonder.
After I’d replied to his late text the following morning, noting that next week would be fine for us to get together, he hadn’t responded.
At all.
To this very day, he still hadn’t said anything.
For whatever reason—fear of rejection, and being utterly humiliated, perhaps—I couldn’t bring myself to reach out and ask him for a specific day, either. And now, I worried that he might not ever reach out. As much as it would devastate me to have things go that way, I knew if he didn’t contact me after this weekend, I’d likely never see him again.
Because even if I hadn’t wanted it to happen, even if I’d been warned by my sisters against this, I’d broken the rules of the arrangement Graham and I had with one another. I sought out more than he went into this expecting or willing to give. Knowing he had no intention of that, I wouldn’t humiliate myself further by begging him for more of our physical relationship. In fact, all that I’d been feeling lately was leading me to the point I hadn’t hoped to reach at all—maybe it was time I ended things between us before it got worse for me.
There was just one thing stopping me.
The only problem was that I couldn’t seem to forget how he’d been with me in my bed the last time we were together. I couldn’t forget the way he took his time and how gentle he’d been with me.
Had I misinterpreted that for something it wasn’t?
I wasn’t quite sure how I could have made that up in my head. It couldn’t have all been one-sided. And with it being such a drastic change from how he’d been with me every other time, I had to believe I wasn’t wrong to think there was something else behind it for him.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I didn’t want to think about it, questions about where things stood with Graham plagued my mind all week.
Now, it was Saturday evening, and I was out for the night with Eva and Amy. My sisters arrived last night, and I’d gotten the full story of Amy’s engagement from her. I’d needed to push through the sorrow plaguing me to give her what she deserved from me in that moment.
“I know I already said this to you at least three times, but after hearing all the details, I think you deserve to hear it again. Congratulations, Amy. I’m so happy for you.”
She beamed at me, like she had been from the moment she walked into my house. “It’s been a week and a half since it happened, and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. I never thought it would feel like this.”
I remembered that.
For a very short time, I was in the same headspace as Amy—overjoyed, bewildered, and ready to start the next chapter. But at least for her, those feelings wouldn’t diminish over time.
“Have you thought anything about the wedding yet? Have you two decided on a date?”
My eyes slid briefly to the side, noting the way Eva was watching me, before returning to Amy. My newly engaged sister nodded furiously, the smile a permanent fixture on her face. “I did. We did. We’re hoping to do it this coming winter. In December, right before the year ends.”
And that was like taking another bullet to the heart. I plastered the smile on my own face. “Wow. That’s… that’s fast. Are you going to be able to get everything planned?”
“We’re hoping so. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if everything is perfect, as long as we have each other in the end.”
“That’s the right mindset,” I assured her, feeling my heart squeeze. “If there’s anything you want my help with as you plan for the wedding, you know I’ll be there for you. But for now, I think we all need a celebratory drink.”
I’d gotten up and opened a bottle of wine to share with my sisters. We spent the night talking about all things wedding, and I did my best to really immerse myself in it with them. Even though I had some feelings of sadness, I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding it and celebrating with Amy and Eva. In fact, I’d done so well that neither one of them noticed I was struggling with anything.
But it seemed that my time was up, because now that we’d just sat down and placed our orders, Eva had demanded I speak. And while she hadn’t specified precisely what she wanted me to spill the beans about, I was certain I already knew what it was.
“What are you talking about?”
She rolled her eyes. “I know you are not playing stupid with me, Kat. Something is different since the last time we saw you. I thought you would have shared it by now, but it seems you don’t plan to unless we demand it. So, I want to know what’s happened in your life over the last couple of weeks.”
I released a long breath. “Well, I mean, work has been busy?—”
“I’m not talking about work.”
There went my attempt to stall and try to figure out how to share what had been happening in my life without losing my cool. “You want to know about Graham.”
Eva dipped her chin slightly.
“You’re still seeing him?” Amy questioned me.
I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. But since I didn’t want to ruin what was supposed to be a celebratory occasion and Graham and I hadn’t technically ended anything between us, I shared, “I am.”
Her eyes widened. “So… so, he’s changed his mind? You two are officially together now?”
Shaking my head, I insisted, “No. No, not at all. We’re just hooking up. That’s it.”
Eva was determined to gather as much information as possible. “Are you seeing anyone else?”
“No.”
“What about him?”
I swallowed hard as something twisted in my belly. The thought hadn’t crossed my mind even once. With the exception of this week, Graham and I had gotten together with one another regularly. Several times a week, in fact. It never dawned on me that he might be seeing other women at the same time, but now that Eva had brought it up, I couldn’t ignore it.
“I… we don’t really discuss it. I’m not sure.”
Surprise littered their features. “You’re okay with that?”
I wasn’t.
Not at all.
“I don’t really have a say in it. We aren’t dating one another.” But that didn’t mean I hadn’t been trying. Amy still looked just as pained as she’d been when I’d gone home to visit them weeks ago. And Eva, despite having promised she’d support me with whatever I decided to do in my life, couldn’t hide the disbelief she was feeling. “Look, Graham and I are just enjoying what we do have. What he does in his free time is his business. It’s the same for me. And this arrangement has been working out just like we had both agreed to from the start.”
Amy didn’t hide her disappointment. “I still can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to try for more. Are you happy being with him?”
“I’m not with him?” I felt compelled to clarify that tidbit.
Eva wasn’t so caught up in the romance like Amy, but she also had this ability to see right through me. “I get the feeling you aren’t exactly happy about that fact, though.”
I shrank back in my seat and dropped my gaze to my lap, the silence stretching between us.
Amy’s concerned voice was the first to break it. “Kat?”
I lifted my chin to look at my sisters. “Yeah?”
“What’s going on?”
I sighed. “I… I might have gotten in over my head a bit.”
“What does that mean?” Eva had leaned in, growing alert.
My eyes shifted between them. As embarrassed as I was about all of this, I knew they would never laugh at me. “I was wrong.”
“About what, exactly?”
I closed my eyes, visions of moments I had with Graham flashing in my mind. When I opened them again, I shared, “I’m not a woman who can do this without my feelings getting involved. I tried. And I like him. And that’s insane, because I barely know anything about him. But I’m so eager to get to know him.”
“So, why don’t you do that?”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “I’ve been trying, but it’s like pulling teeth. Graham doesn’t share so easily. I’m surprised I’ve learned what he does for a living.”
“What does he do?”
“You’re not going to believe it.”
“What is it?”
For the first time since we dove into this conversation, a small smile tugged at my lips. “He’s a tattoo artist.”
“You’re a dermatologist!”
Laughter spilled out of me as I nodded. “I know. I was just as shocked when he told me, because he doesn’t have a single tattoo on his body.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, okay. We’re getting sidetracked here,” Eva pointed out. “Let’s get back to the issue. Are you saying you want more with him now, and he’s not interested?”
I licked my lips and considered her question. “I don’t really know. I mean, I know that I’m beginning to question how much longer I can do this without having something more than a physical relationship. But I can’t say for sure where he stands. At the beginning, we both felt one way. It changed for me. I don’t know if it has for him.”
There was that small part of me still holding out hope that the change I’d experienced with Graham the last time I saw him was an indication he was having a change of heart.
Our server returned with our dinner salads and appetizers, and once she walked off again, I said, “Look, tonight is about celebrating Amy and her engagement. We’ll leave the discussion about Graham and me for another night.”
“Well, if you truly want something else to celebrate…” Amy sang, her eyes lighting up. “Eva met someone.”
“What?! Who is he? Tell me everything!”
Eva smirked.
And for the remainder of our dinner together, she filled me in with all the details about the new guy she’d met.
It was early, and they were still just getting to know one another, but it was clear she was already smitten.
Much like was the case for me with Amy’s engagement, I was thrilled for Eva. But if I allowed myself to think about it too much, a wave of sadness washed over me.
Fortunately, my sisters kept me distracted with their stories, and I’d gotten through the rest of dinner without having to work too hard to pretend I wasn’t miserable.
Following the shift in our conversation during dinner, I hadn’t anticipated anything but a night of fun with my sisters.
And, for the most part, that’s what I’d gotten.
The three of us had decided to go out dancing at one of the local spots, and for a solid two hours after we’d arrived, it had been nothing but a blast. We danced and laughed and just had fun with each other for the first time in weeks.
It was wonderful.
Until it wasn’t.
Until I happened to look across the space and see him.
Graham.
No, not just Graham.
Graham with his arm wrapped around another woman, who had been leaning in close to talk to him. He was happy.
God, he looked like I’d never seen him looking before—like he didn’t have a care in the world, like he was having the time of his life.
And the woman he was with? She was nothing like me. Her look couldn’t have been more of a contrast to me. One whole arm of hers was covered in tattoos, and her makeup was bold in a way I’d never dare to try. She was slightly taller than me, though still several inches shorter than Graham.
The worst thing about her wasn’t any of that, though.
It was how she seemed to have something I didn’t, something that allowed Graham to talk to her, to laugh with her. He’d laughed—really, truly laughed—only once with me, and as soon as he realized what he was doing, he shut it down.
Not with her.
Not at all.
I couldn’t stay here. I had to get out, because I couldn’t watch this.
Everything about the last week was falling into place. His need to cancel our plans on Tuesday, and his inability to meet up with me on Wednesday and Thursday. Hell, he’d probably been with that woman on Monday night, which was why he hadn’t reached out to me sooner than he had when he sent that text claiming he believed I was already asleep.
A lump formed in my throat at the sight of him seeming so carefree. What did she have that I didn’t? Maybe she was just more his type.
My mind drifted back to our last time together, the night he’d spent taking things slow with me in my bed. I’d convinced myself it was because things were changing for him, and he wanted to take the time to savor it, to savor me.
Oh, how wrong I was.
That wasn’t what it was at all.
Graham had taken his time with me, because he was saying goodbye. That was what had been happening. He gave me just enough to make me believe I was something more than the stranger who’d approached him in a pub and went home willingly with him not more than an hour later.
I took off toward the bathroom, signaling to my sisters that I’d be right back. By some miracle, I’d made it there just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. When I was certain I wasn’t going to hurl again, I exited the bathroom and found both Eva and Amy waiting for me.
“Are you okay?”
I shook my head, patting the heated skin on my forehead. “I think I’ve had enough for tonight. Do you mind if we leave?”
“Of course not.”
The three of us made our way toward the exit, and when we were only a few feet from the front door, I came to a halt and tugged on Amy’s hand. Holding one finger in front of me, I said, “Can you wait here just one second? I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah. Do you need me to come with you?”
“No. I just… I saw someone I want to talk to before we leave.”
My sisters eyed me curiously, but they inclined their heads with understanding.
“I’ll be right back.”
I didn’t take the time to think about it, to prepare for what was going to come out of my mouth as I made my way over to where Graham was. I figured it was better to do this now, to not prolong my suffering. Once he knew that I knew what was happening, the better for everyone involved.
I walked up behind him and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Graham spun around, and the look of surprise on his face was something I wouldn’t soon forget.
“Kat.”
My courage was already waning. I slid my eyes to the side briefly and took in the woman who’d been beside him. She was even more beautiful up close.
Returning my attention to Graham, I asked, “Could I talk to you privately for a minute?”
He glanced at the woman beside him, and she quickly turned and walked off. “What’s going on? What are you doing here? I thought your sisters were coming in to visit you this weekend.”
I nodded. “Yeah. They did. They’re here. But we’re leaving now. I saw you, and I thought I’d come over before I left.”
His eyes roamed over my face, the guilt etched into his features.
When he said nothing, my fury and heartbreak took over. “You could have told me.”
A crease formed between his brows. “Told you? Told you what?”
“You could have just said you weren’t interested in seeing me any longer,” I clarified. “I get it now. I’m not stupid. You’ve been just as insatiable as me for weeks, and it changed this week.”
His shoulders fell, an indication I hadn’t misinterpreted anything. “Kat, listen, I think we should?—”
I held my hand up in front of me. “It was my fault. I knew what this was between us when we went into this. I didn’t anticipate developing any feelings in this, but I did. And I’ve been trying to get anything from you. Any little bits and pieces I can. But you won’t budge. And you’re not interested in learning a single thing about me. You don’t even know what I do for a living, and you don’t care. I’m not mad. This is what I signed up for. I went home with you the day I met you, so I’m not surprised you view me as nothing more than perhaps one step up from being a prostitute. As much as that hurts, I get it. But you were a coward about this. You should have told me the truth days ago that you were interested in seeing others and that what we had burned out.”
“Kat, it’s not what you?—”
“Don’t, Graham. Please don’t insult my intelligence. I know what’s staring me in the face right now.”
No matter how badly I didn’t want it to happen, tears welled in my eyes. Before I broke down into full-fledged sobs, I needed to get out of here.
The pain in my throat was unbearable, but I didn’t let that stop me from saying what I had to say, even if it came out in a rasp. “It’s done now. You don’t have to end it, because I just did. I just really wish you would’ve told me the truth days ago. Goodbye, Graham.”
With that, noting the pained expression on his face one last time, I turned and walked away.
And by the time I made it to where my sisters were waiting, it was obvious they knew exactly what had just happened.