Twelve
TWELVE
Kat
“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?”
A pair of delicate but loving arms embraced me. I wavered between holding on a little bit longer and needing to let go immediately.
I felt awful.
Obviously, what had happened last night had left me reeling, and what should have been a joyous occasion was anything but.
My sisters saw me through after we made our way back to my place, and I filled them in on everything. But when we woke up this morning and had breakfast, neither Eva nor Amy seemed in a hurry to leave. They stayed with me through lunch and dinner, both of which had been a struggle for me. I simply didn’t have the same appetite as usual.
Now that dinner was over, though, I was urging them to go home. All of us had to work tomorrow, and none of us had gotten a good night’s sleep last night, especially me.
I released my hold on Eva and promised, “I’ll be fine. I appreciate the both of you staying here all day with me, but we need to move on.”
Amy stepped forward and placed her hand on my back. “I’m so sorry about what happened, Kat. I hate that you’re going through this all over again.”
It wasn’t quite the same as I’d experienced with Charlie, considering Graham never made a commitment to me, but I’d have been lying if I said it didn’t hurt at all. Truth be told, there was a part of me that realized I was in no position to be upset with Graham. Sure, he hadn’t come right out and told me he wanted to end what we had, but unlike Charlie, Graham never made me any promises of forever. He never even offered additional conversation or more than just the occasional good time.
And yet, because I’d been left feeling the way I had, because this really hadn’t been a wise move for me from the start, I wound up feeling jealous seeing him with another woman. I broke my own heart because I broke the rules of our arrangement. Because I was never a woman who could just have a casual fling, no matter how much I told myself I didn’t want the serious relationship.
I forced a smile onto my face. “I’ll be okay. I’m exhausted as it is right now, so you don’t have to worry that I’m going to be sitting here feeling sad for hours. And tomorrow, I’ll be back at work. I’ll be alright.”
Amy hugged me tightly. “Okay, but we’re going to call and check in on you tomorrow and throughout the week.”
I hugged her back, squeezing a little tighter than I normally would have. “On one condition.”
She loosened her hold on me, brought her hands to the outer cap of my shoulders, and squeezed. “What’s the condition?”
No longer needing to force a smile, I said, “You can’t just call to check in on me. You need to give me some detail about the wedding planning, no matter how small.”
Contentment and acceptance washed over her expression. “I can do that.”
With everyone on board for how the next few days would progress—I wouldn’t begrudge my sisters the opportunity to check in on me—the three of us said goodbye to one another, and they were off.
I locked up behind them, turned, and made my way to the kitchen. All I wanted to do was climb the stairs and crawl into my bed, but I still had a few things to clean up in the kitchen. My sisters had wanted to stay to help me with it, but I insisted they didn’t need to do another thing. Not after everything they’d already done.
Fifteen minutes later, I’d tidied up the remainder of the kitchen and moved through the house, turning off my lights. Just before I made it to the living room, my doorbell rang. Believing I knew who it was—there weren’t many options, anyway—I scanned the area for signs of anything that either Eva or Amy might have left behind. But nothing stood out, so I could only assume whatever it was had been left upstairs.
I made it to the front door, unlocked it, and did not see either one of my sisters staring back at me.
Nope.
It was Graham, the one person I didn’t think I was strong enough to be around at the moment.
“What are you doing here?”
I couldn’t read what was hiding beneath the shadows in his eyes, but at least he answered my question. “I’ve driven past your house several times today. I saw the other car in the driveway, so I assumed your sisters were still here. It seems as though they’ve left since the last time that I drove down the block.”
Tilting my head at a slightly awkward angle, my chin jutting out and up to one side, I gripped the doorknob firmly in my hand. “And this is your concern because?”
“We need to talk.”
Graham’s expression had been serious, his tone not to be questioned.
“I don’t think I have anything left to say to you.”
He shrugged. “That’s fine. I’m content to be the only one speaking. I’m simply asking you to give me the opportunity to explain a few things, since I wasn’t given the courtesy of being able to do that last night.”
I winced.
I really hadn’t given him the chance to speak, which, even if I had always been a talkative woman, was unacceptable.
And despite the hurt I’d been feeling since last night, I couldn’t say I wasn’t the least bit intrigued. For a man who’d been uninterested in speaking to me about much of anything over the weeks we’d been hooking up with one another, I had to admit there was a part of me that was curious about what he had to say. If I was honest, I was impressed he was willing to take the time to come here to say anything—he certainly owed me no explanation for doing as he pleased.
At that, I stepped back and opened the door wider to allow him to come inside. Graham offered a nod of appreciation as he stepped forward into the house. After I closed the door behind him, I led him to the living room, thoughts of crawling into my bed in hopes of getting some sleep the furthest thing from my mind.
The tension in the air was thick. I wondered how this was all going to pan out.
My nerves must have gotten the better of me, because no sooner did we sit down on opposite ends of the couch and hold each other’s stare, I suddenly had plenty I wanted to say.
“I think I lied,” I blurted.
“Pardon?”
I swallowed down the nerves still bubbling to the surface. “I said that I didn’t think I had anything left to say to you, but I’ve just realized I’ve got something I want to say.” He held my gaze, curiosity lingering there. “I’m sorry.”
Graham’s brows shot up, silently questioning me.
“I never should have approached you while you were out having a good time last night,” I began. “And I certainly shouldn’t have done that with the intent to spew everything that I did. I knew what we were from the night I followed you home from the pub. I knew what we were, what we didn’t have, and just how you and I came to be. It was just sex, and I shouldn’t have ever assumed I was the only one, or that you would view me as anything more than what I’d presented myself to be that first night.”
Just imagining what he must have thought of me, I cringed inwardly. I had to have been the easiest lay for Graham. I didn’t require a date, a meal, or even a drink from him. I went after him to fulfill a physical need, and Graham took what I was offering.
Long moments of silence passed, a look of frustration donning his expression. “Are you done?”
So, he didn’t just look that way. His tone indicated he felt not one ounce of compassion for me. Evidently, my apology was not well received.
Fair enough.
I deserved it. I could cry in my pillow about it after he left.
“I’m done.”
“Good. Because I’d like to apologize to you.”
My body tensed, my head jerking back in surprise. “What? Why would you apologize? I’m the one who barged in on your night last night.”
He blew out an aggravated breath. “I’m apologizing because you were right last night. I should have told you how I was feeling instead of doing what I did.” Graham paused for a moment, and I was certain it was to give me the chance to brace for what was coming next. “I can’t continue what we’ve had going between us for the last couple of months, and I should have made that clear when I knew it was how I felt.”
The heaviness I’d been feeling seemed to have compounded inside me. It was like each of my limbs suddenly weighed hundreds of pounds. And the emptiness I felt inside wasn’t something I could quantify.
Even if I already told myself he was done with me, there was something about hearing him admit it that I hadn’t been prepared for.
I shrank back, my shoulders rolling forward and my chest feeling like it was caving in on me. I’d told Amy that what was going on between Graham and me wasn’t anything like what happened between Charlie and me, but now I wasn’t so sure how true that was. This felt just as bad, just as jarring and isolating.
Was I really that bad?
“I understand,” I whispered. “And I accept your apology. It was my fault for not sticking to the rules.”
“There weren’t any rules, Kat.”
Nodding slowly, I said, “I guess, technically, we didn’t set any. But I fully understood our agreement before we went into it. I never should have expected that you would ever find me so appealing that you’d want to change things. I certainly hadn’t anticipated things changing for me, either. It is what it is, and again, I was wrong for thinking I’d be anybody special when I was merely a no-strings affair.”
Graham’s eyes roamed over my face in a way that felt like he was struggling with something, like it pained him to hear my words.
“Kat, I need you to understand something. I might not be able to do this anymore, but it’s not for the reasons you think.” My hands balled into fists, my nails digging into my palms as he continued to shred me with his words. “Everything changed for me the day you learned about your sister’s engagement and shared it with me.”
I shook my head. “You… you invited me in and offered a listening ear. If I had known it would upset you so much to have a conversation with me, I would have gladly gone home without saying a word.”
He clenched his own hands into fists before spreading his fingers wide again. “It wasn’t necessarily having a conversation with you, so much as it was having that conversation.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
Graham took a few moments to compose his thoughts, like he wanted to be especially careful about how he offered an explanation.
“I won’t lie to you, Kat. This whole thing between us was something I struggled with from the start. I guess I thought it was going okay for a bit, but as time went on, I could see what was happening. I could feel it. But that day you showed up at my place in tears made everything very difficult for me.”
It was like taking one punch to the gut after another. Graham hadn’t given me any indication that he’d struggled with our arrangement at all when we first got started. Beyond insisting after that first night together that if we continued, it would only ever be just sex between us, he didn’t appear to struggle at all.
“I don’t feel right continuing to do this with you,” he started. “It’s obvious to me now that you want more. I’d been noticing the way you’d been trying to form a deeper connection, but I’m not there. That’s why I’ve never asked you about what you do for a living or tried to engage in other conversations. I didn’t want to give you false hope by doing that. And I’m sorry, but I’m not where you are right now. There’s nothing wrong with you having changed your mind about what you want in your life, but I can’t be part of this knowing how you feel.”
I closed my eyes, a single tear escaping to roll down my cheek. Why had I done this to myself?
“It was a goodbye, wasn’t it?”
I returned my attention to Graham to find his features twisted with confusion. “A goodbye?”
“The last time we were together.”
Now, it was his turn to wince.
I figured if this was the last chance that I had to get answers, I might as well take it. So, I went on. “Your reaction tells me you understand how it’s possible I didn’t initially draw that conclusion. You know what it was like between us the entire time, Graham. And that time was different. I thought it meant something else. I was stupid enough to believe it was because you felt a shred of something for me. Obviously, I was wrong, because that wasn’t what was happening at all. You weren’t taking your time and being gentle because I meant anything to you. You were simply saying goodbye. The problem was that I had not a clue that’s what was happening. And I’d been excited and nervous and happy and twisted up about it ever since. Until last night. Until I realized you’d canceled on Tuesday and pretended you were interested in getting together the following week, only for me to find you last night looking happier than ever with someone else.” I sighed, sadness consuming me. “I wish I would have known. I wish you would have told me that day.”
He shifted closer to me on the couch, my body instantly going rigid. Graham noticed, and if he’d intended to reach out to touch me, he quickly changed his mind. “I can see now that I made a huge mistake in how I handled this. I thought if I put some distance between us, you would grow tired of waiting around for me and move on. It was wrong, and like you said last night, it was cowardly. I’m sorry, Kat. I really didn’t want to hurt you, especially not when I knew you were already hurting and craving something that I can’t give you.”
So, that was it.
I’d had my heart broken twice within a year.
“I guess there’s nothing left to say at this point,” I murmured. “Obviously, I enjoyed what we had while we had it. But it’s over now, so I think it’s best if you leave. I really need to get some sleep, because I have to get up for work in the morning.”
Disappointment washed over him. “I really wish things were different.”
“Please don’t say things just to try to make me feel better, Graham. It’s doing the opposite.”
“But it’s the truth. If I hadn’t…” He shook his head with disgust. “If we’d met at a different time, things might have been different. You’re a great woman, Kat, and I think if you are intent on finding something solid with someone, that man is going to be very lucky to have you.”
He needed to stop.
Not just because I was certain I’d never try this again, but because I had believed I’d gotten lucky when I met him, that he was the only reason I’d considered wanting more.
I didn’t tell him any of that.
“I appreciate you stopping by to clear things up, but I’d really like it if you’d leave now.”
He looked just as defeated as I felt.
Unfortunately, it was hard to have any sympathy for him when he was choosing to not do anything to change this.
Graham stood from the couch, and I did the same.
Then he followed behind me as I walked toward the front door.
After I opened the door and he stepped through, he turned around, gave me one last long look, and said, “Take care of yourself, Kat.”
The bitterness seeped in. “I have no choice. Nobody else wants to do that for me. Have a good night, Graham.”
With that, briefly taking in the look of horror on his face, I closed the door before he could speak. Then I turned out my lights, climbed the stairs, and crawled into my bed.
Only then did I let the tears fall freely.