Thirteen
THIRTEEN
Graham
“Damn it!”
I shoved my chair back and dropped everything in my hands to the table, letting out a frustrated sigh while running my fingers through my hair.
It hadn’t been a good day. Again.
It seemed every day had something pop up that would have my blood boiling to the surface, and today was just more of the same I’d been experiencing lately.
A gentle knock pulled my attention toward the doorway. Shiloh was standing there, a tentative look on her face. “Is everything okay?”
For a woman who was rarely at a loss for words, it was strange to see Shiloh struggling to respond. Following an awkward beat of silence, she said, “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
I groaned and tossed my hand out to the side. “No. I ran into a problem with this machine during my last appointment, and it was only by some miracle I was able to work around the issue without having to pull out a new machine. I wanted to try to fix this before I left for the day, but I think it’s toast.”
Shiloh stepped fully into the room and crossed it to where the machine was sitting. As she inspected it, she said, “I’ve always known you to have a couple of backups.”
I did.
Of course, I did.
Even though every artist in the shop supplied their own machines—that was just how it worked in many shops in the industry—as the owner, I felt it was my responsibility to have a couple on hand in case of a breakdown.
“I do,” I confirmed.
“Well, you’ve never been the kind of guy to get angry over something like this, so I guess I didn’t think I’d have to clarify that I wasn’t necessarily asking if you were okay because I believed this was the reason for the change that we’ve seen in you.”
My head snapped in her direction, and I noticed she wasn’t even looking at me. Shiloh had her attention focused on my tattoo machine, and the trepidation I’d seen when she first entered the room had shifted to cool grace.
“Pardon?”
Lowering her hands, she lifted her gaze to meet mine. “You haven’t been yourself lately.”
My brows shot up, both silently questioning her and feeling surprised she was willing to broach the subject. I guess if anyone in the shop was going to do it, Shiloh would be the one. Either her or Mick.
But Mick wasn’t much of a gossip, so unless there was something that threatened the business, he generally didn’t get involved. And based on what I knew of Shiloh—and some of the other members of the staff—there wasn’t a chance this visit from her had anything to do with the business.
“We’re worried about you.” And there it was. Proof that it wasn’t only Shiloh who was in on whatever this was. She was merely the spokeswoman. “There’s been enough that we’ve observed to lead me to finally come to you about it. I want to know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“I’m fine,” I assured her.
She shot me a questioning look. “And here I thought women were the only ones who used that phrase when it couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“Is there something specific you want to discuss?” I wouldn’t deny that I’d been moody lately, but it wasn’t as though I’d unnecessarily lashed out at any of my employees.
“If it hadn’t been for how well you seemed to have been doing a couple of weeks ago, I would have assumed this was about some other recent news you received and shared with us. But ever since that day you told us about the divorce being finalized, we’ve all witnessed a tremendous change in you.”
“I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.”
Shiloh let out a laugh. “It’s a great thing. You seemed to be doing so well, and you appeared much happier. It’s not that you were ever unpleasant to be around in recent months, but there was a significant shift over the last couple of months. And I’ll be honest, I thought it was all related to the official word on the divorce. At least, that’s what I believed until about two weeks ago, which is precisely about the same time that woman came up to you when we were out celebrating the anniversary of the tattoo parlor as a team.”
Damn.
I couldn’t pretend that hadn’t happened.
Shiloh had been standing right there when Kat walked up and asked to speak with me privately.
Celeste and Stanley had planned everything that night. We’d started off with dinner at a local restaurant before taking the celebration to a more relaxed atmosphere where we could all kick back and just have a good time together.
After what happened that night, after all that Kat had said, it was no surprise my mood had shifted for the rest of the evening. I tried to stay in the moment with my coworkers, my friends, but I couldn’t get the look of devastation on Kat’s face out of my mind.
That night, any doubts I’d had were erased. I’d officially become a man I didn’t recognize. A man who’d string a woman along, because I couldn’t bring myself to just tell her the truth outright. I hadn’t wanted to inflict the hurt on her I knew would come as a result of ending things.
Granted, it shouldn’t have been that way. It was never meant to be more than just a physical relationship between us.
But even that idea, me being a guy who just used a woman for the physical pleasure and nothing else, was such a far cry from the man I was. Or, well, the man I used to think I was.
Now, I wasn’t so sure. Not after how things went down at Kat’s place the following evening. I knew it’d be tough to tell her the truth about where I stood, but I hadn’t anticipated the depth of her sadness.
The voice inside my head had been screaming at me to be completely honest, to tell her who’d been with me the night before, that it was innocent, and to tell her that there hadn’t been anybody else but her for more than a year.
But I held back. I did that because I thought it’d be better for her, easier for her, to move on if she believed the worst. Evidently, I’d succeeded, because right before I left, she made sure I knew that much was true.
Nobody else wants to do that for me.
Kat had a failed engagement, and now, this.
Having been through something so devastating myself, never wanting to make anyone else feel a fraction of that, Kat’s words replayed over and over in my head for nearly two weeks now. My punishment.
Clearly, she’d been starving for affection when she met me. And it was apparent she believed she could do the no-strings affair. But it didn’t go like she planned, and she was left feeling, once again, like nobody wanted her. I didn’t have to know the details of what went down between her and her former fiancé to know that those words were indicative of just how much that rejection hurt her.
I hated that I’d played a role in causing her more pain. But I couldn’t have known that first day that this was where things were heading. In fact, I thought she had done a spectacular job at the beginning of not showing any sort of attachment to me. If anything, I believed I was the one who’d been struggling to come to grips with something I didn’t normally do.
“The silence is deafening.”
Shiloh’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “I’m sorry. I just… It’s been a long couple of weeks.”
“A long two weeks, am I correct?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Her head tipped to one side, a look of sympathy washing over her expression. “If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen.”
“Thanks, Shiloh. I appreciate that, but it’s late. And I’m meeting up with a buddy of mine tonight, anyway.”
Even if I thought I’d hidden how I was feeling from my staff, I hadn’t been able to run from it myself. I desperately needed to talk to Andy to get some outside perspective on the whole situation.
Shiloh inclined her head with understanding. “Sure, I get it.”
“I’ll turn things around here, so everyone isn’t feeling the weight of what’s going on in my personal life,” I promised her.
Shiloh moved to the door, stopped, and turned to face me again. “I didn’t come in here because everyone thought you needed to change. First, you’re the boss, so you don’t need to answer to us, and?—”
“I might be the boss, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for my staff to feel uncomfortable,” I advised, cutting her off.
“Fair enough. We just wanted you to know that we understand what you’ve been through, and we want to know that you’re okay. I don’t know what happened that night or who that woman was, Graham. And I realize it’s not my place to get involved in your personal life, but I will say this. You were a different man over the weeks leading up to that night two weeks ago. You were a man who seemed to have come alive here in a way you haven’t been in a very long time. If that woman was the reason, I can’t help but feel compelled to tell you to work out whatever it is. Because you deserve to be happy.”
Although I’d done what I could to keep what Kat and I had strictly physical, that didn’t mean there hadn’t been an extra bounce in my step throughout most of the time we’d been hooking up. I looked forward to the days I knew I’d see her, and I’d occasionally find my mind drifting to her when I wasn’t otherwise occupied at work with a client.
I offered Shiloh a smile of gratitude. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
She smiled back. “Have a good weekend, Graham.”
“You, too.”
A moment later, Shiloh was gone.
I glanced at my tattoo machine, realized I was in no state to attempt to fix it, even if it was salvageable, and decided the best thing I could do was to head home, shower, and go meet up with my friend.
On that thought, I abandoned the tattoo machine, cleaned up, locked up, and left. I’d deal with everything else by coming in early on Monday.
“I’m intrigued, because you look like shit.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
Laughter spilled out of my best friend. “I’m mostly joking with you. I’ve seen you looking far worse, but tell me what’s going on. The last time we talked, you told me you’d been hooking up with that woman you met at the pub that night.”
“Yep.”
“And? How’s that going?”
Shaking my head, I let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s not really going at all, and I think I fucked up.”
“How so?”
“I allowed her the opportunity to get attached,” I confessed.
Confusion marred Andy’s features, his face twisting with curiosity. “How exactly did you do that?”
I shrugged. “I wish I knew, but I have not a clue. It’s not like we’ve taken the time to have lengthy conversations with one another. In fact, ninety-five percent of the time we ever spent together didn’t involve any conversation.”
A knowing look washed over him, a smirk playing at his mouth. “Alright, so what’s the problem?”
“She wants more.”
He held his hand out, palm side up, and reasoned, “But if you’re not interested in that, I still don’t understand what the issue is?”
Maybe I should have spoken to Shiloh about this instead. Andy was my best friend, but sometimes, I wondered if he knew what kind of person I was.
“I’m not cool with stringing a woman along like this,” I explained. “She’s sweet, and if she wants more in a relationship, then I’m just the asshole preventing her from having it.”
His eyes narrowed on me. “Is that because you’d be willingly spending time with her, knowing you have no intention of exploring an actual relationship?”
“What else would I be referring to?”
While I was feeling utterly distressed, Andy looked like he had not a care in the world. “I just wanted to clarify your position, that’s all. So, being the stand-up guy that you are, am I to assume you ended things with her?”
I dipped my chin. “Two weeks ago.”
My friend studied me without saying a word for a little too long for me not to know that he was formulating all kinds of thoughts about the situation. I gave him the time to do it, because there wasn’t anything I could say that was going to change it.
“So, why does it seem like you’re troubled by this?”
I stared at him, knowing he was going to laugh in my face. “Remember how I said I fucked up?”
“Yep.”
“It’s been two weeks, and I can’t stop thinking about her,” I revealed. “The only time I seem to be able to focus is when I’m working. And I don’t mean just being at the shop. I mean that I need to actually be tattooing someone in order to not think about Kat. I go home after a long day, and I’m pulling out anything I can to draw her. I don’t think it’s helping.”
Andy squinted once again. “Well, I think that depends. What are you hoping to accomplish by drawing her?”
I groaned. “Ugh, I wish I knew. I don’t understand what’s going on. I know almost nothing about her, and she’s all I can think about.”
“Maybe that’s telling you something.”
“What?”
He shot me an incredulous look, like he didn’t believe I was genuinely unsure of what he was referring to. “Graham, man, I think that perhaps you like her. I think that perhaps there’s a reason that you’re struggling so much. Maybe it started the way it did, but it’s possible that Kat wasn’t ever meant to be a passing fling.”
Immediately, I shook my head. “No. No, I can’t do that. I can’t go down that road again.”
“Why not? Do you honestly think that the same thing is going to happen to you? God, Graham, I couldn’t have come up with anything like that happening to someone I don’t know, let alone my best friend. The chance of you ever winding up in that same situation is virtually impossible. You’ve told yourself that you’re not allowed to get involved with someone for fear of something terrible happening again. I get it, but it’s so unlikely. And truthfully, you’re not there yet, anyway. Give yourself some time to just date a woman, to enjoy her and whatever fun the two of you can have together.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. Why had it been so easy for me to tell Kat that it was okay to change her mind about what she wanted for her future, but I couldn’t do the same for myself?
“It’s terrifying.”
“Of course, it is. I don’t think there’s a single soul in the world that could go through what you did and not feel some fear. That’s not the issue, though.”
I cocked a brow. “It’s not? That seems like the biggest problem there is to me.”
He laughed, taking a sip of his beer. “I’m sure that’s what you think, but that’s because you’re only looking at where you’ve been. If you’re having such trouble getting through the days now without her in your life, what do you think your future looks like? Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like it might be a bit lonely and a lot miserable.”
I hadn’t considered that at all.
I’d been so focused on how badly I’d been hurt, how I refused to go through such a traumatic experience again, that I couldn’t see how this was going to impact me in the weeks or months to come. And the worst part about all of it was that everything I was doing now by avoiding Kat and refusing anything meaningful between us was only hurting myself.
“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed.
“You don’t need to make a decision tonight,” Andy assured me. “But I do think it’s worth considering changing your perspective on all of this. Take some time to think on it and contemplate what you really want. And while you’re doing that, have a little fun and let loose.”
I shook my head. “No. No, I can’t complicate this by jumping back into something physical with her without knowing I wanted something more. Plus, I don’t think she’d even go for that. And I’m not interested in finding someone else to have any fun with. I’d just be thinking about Kat the entire time.”
Laughter spilled out of my best friend. “Oh, Graham. You already know what you need to do if that’s your response to what I just said. When I said you should have fun, I wasn’t referring to hooking up with anyone. I was going to invite you to join me tomorrow morning. I’m meeting up with some of my buddies from work for a couple of rounds of basketball at the park. You should meet up with us. It might help to focus on something else for a bit, something that’s not Kat or work.”
It wasn’t a bad idea.
I could use a distraction right now.
And since I’d had two weeks of thinking mostly about Kat and would likely continue to think about her—and the advice both Shiloh and Andy had given me—when I got home tonight, I decided I’d take him up on it.
“What time should I meet you there?”
Andy grinned. Then he gave me the time and the rest of the details.
And before I fell asleep a couple of hours later, when I was back home and in my bed, I’d made up my mind.
I couldn’t continue to avoid Kat. I had to take a chance and see where things could go between us.
I only hoped she was still interested and would be willing to listen to me long enough so I could set us both on that path.