Chapter 32
Archer lay awake in his chambers. He didn’t know the hour, but it had been long since the sun had set. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Eileen on the horse with Millar, the knife pressed to her neck. He saw her falling from the horse with Millar and miraculously not being cut.
If she had moved an inch, she would have been cut. She could have died. O’Gunn had not asked for her hand because he wanted her. He had asked for her hand to strengthen his position. He hadn’t kidnapped Reid and Eileen for any other reason than to hurt Archer.
Archer might have snuffed out the current threat, but more would arise, and they would use his weaknesses against him. That meant targeting his wife and his future children. That meant more loss.
He didn’t care what anyone said; if he had pushed himself a little more, been a little faster, and fought harder, his father might still be alive.
It’s me fault! It was me fault back then, and it’s me fault now, and I must take responsibility for that. Me responsibility is to the clan first, and I cannae let anythin’ get in the way of that.
He was fatigued but not tired, but he dared not close his eyes, or else he would see her again on the verge of death.
Ye deserve so much better than I can ever give ye.
The knock at the door was a welcome one, a distraction from his thoughts.
He sat up in his bed. “Come!”
The door creaked open, and Eileen walked into the room. His chest tightened, and his heart rate quickened.
“Is somethin’ wrong?” he asked.
“Nay,” Eileen whispered. “I just needed to see ye one more time.”
Dinnae do this to me. Please dinnae test me like this.
“Nae for anythin’ other than to see ye,” she clarified. “I couldnae sleep. Will ye just hold me one more time? If I disturbed ye, ye can tell me to—”
“Nay,” Archer cut her off. “Come here.”
He pulled the blankets to the side and patted the empty space.
Eileen was wearing the same clothes she’d worn when they had first met, minus the long cloak—a pair of simple breeches and a tunic. It stirred something nostalgic within him.
She climbed into the bed, bringing warmth with her. He held out his arm to embrace her, and she took up her usual position on his chest, laying her cheek and hand there. He placed his hand on her shoulder, holding her tight.
They used to lie together naked, but having those layers between them felt more intimate.
Archer breathed in her familiar sweetness. He looked at her strawberry blonde hair, a little paler in the moonlight, but no less vibrant. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head, lingering there for a while before lying back on the pillow and turning his head slightly to the side.
They lay in silence, but unspoken words hung between them.
They had a shared history more layered and entangled than most, and as they lay together, they became possibilities of what the future could hold.
If they remained silent, those possibilities would never die out like a candle at the end of its wick.
Archer didn’t sleep that night, and neither did Eileen, judging from her short breaths.
When the sun started to rise above the horizon, Eileen shifted on the bed and looked up at him.
He understood the look in her eyes. It was nice to lie together, even if that was all they did. He wished it could go on for longer, but sometimes, things just had to come to an end.
Eileen moved again until she was propped up on her elbow, staring down into his face.
Archer noticed the shift in her. She went from being content to dissatisfied, and he knew exactly what she was about to say. She had feelings for him, and she had to tell him before she left. Perhaps she hoped her feelings would convince him to let her stay.
However, his mind was made up. He had to send her away for her own good, and he wouldn’t cave to any pressure. It was better for some things to remain unspoken. If she confessed her feelings and he still sent her away, it would only feel like a bigger betrayal, and there would only be more sadness.
Ye’ll find someone someday, and ye’ll forget all about me.
Eileen opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, he placed a hand on the back of her head, pulled her to him, and kissed her. She kissed him back, perhaps understanding that this was the better way to end things. She brought a hand up to his cheek, holding it there as they kissed.
No tongues this time, no immense passion. Just connection and some sadness.
Archer didn’t want the kiss to end. He didn’t want to see the sadness in her eyes when they broke apart, knowing he had caused it. He knew there was nothing he could say to make her feel any better about it.
But they had to break apart eventually. So they did, and looked into each other’s eyes.
Archer saw his sadness mirrored in her eyes, and he almost caved.
He’d chased down enemies and slain them to get her back, cut men’s throats without the slightest hesitation, but he was most weak and afraid with her.
He placed his hand on her cheek, stroking it with his thumb.
“This is for the best,” he murmured. “I will never forget what ye’ve done for me and the clan.”
“I will never forget me time here,” Eileen told him. “I will never forget ye.”
“We should get up, even though I havenae slept a wink.”
“I’m used to nae sleepin’ when in bed with ye,” Eileen said with a sad smile. “But nae like this.”
Archer’s lips twitched. “Nay.”
Eileen got out of bed first, walking slowly to the door. She opened it, then looked back at him.
“Goodbye, Archer,” she said.
“Goodbye, lass,” Archer replied.
And just like that, it was over.
Eileen looked out the carriage window, a storm brewing in her heart.
She wished the skies were not blue. She wished the sun was not warm on her skin.
She wanted the greyness outside to match the sadness in her heart.
She despised the green trees, the colorful flowers, and the dainty thistles on the hillsides.
When they stopped for a short break, the stream seemed to be mocking her with its gurgling, and when the stag on the opposite bank looked up from chewing on the grass and caught her eye, it knew that she’d lost the love she was supposed to have.
“Are ye ready to get back on the road?” Thomas asked. “Maither will be so pleased to see ye again.”
Eileen nodded and climbed back into the carriage.
Perhaps Maither will help ease this pain inside me. She always kens the right thing to say.
Reid plopped down beside her, and Thomas sat across from them, looking out the window.
“I ken this is hard for ye,” Reid said quietly.
Her mother knew her well, but so did Reid.
“We’re nae so different, ye and me. We both fall in love easily, and it doesnae often work out for us.”
“I’m fine,” Eileen said.
“Nay, ye’re nae,” Reid countered. “I ken ye were pretendin’ to be betrothed, but it wasnae a pretense at the end, was it?”
“I dinnae want to talk about it.”
“He cares for ye, too.”
“Does he?” Eileen muttered.
“It’s as plain as the nose on me face.” Reid brought up a hand to his scarred nose. It had gained an additional scar during his escape from O’Gunn Castle. “Well, maybe clearer. Me nose isnae exactly clear.”
Eileen managed a laugh despite her sadness. “He didnae like me like that. He was good at pretendin’, but he didnae like me like I liked him.”
“Nay, I saw it,” Reid insisted. “Ye were too close, but I watched ye. He cares for ye deeply, and ye’re a complete fool if ye cannae see that.”
“Then that makes it so much worse.” Eileen sucked in a shaky breath. “Why would he send me away if he cared for me?”
“I dinnae ken for sure, but I think he wanted to protect ye,” Reid said.
“I can make that decision for meself,” Eileen maintained. “How is this protectin’ me?”
“Well, for a start, we’re both on the way home and nae in O’Gunn’s clutches. I made the decision to seek Laird MacLennan, and ye made the decision to come after me. Maybe we’re nae the best at makin’ our own decisions.”
“I dressed as a man to try and get information about ye, and I was found out almost immediately,” Eileen said with a smile.
“Maybe if I dress up as a woman, that’ll work.”
Eileen giggled. “I’d like to see that.”
Reid smiled broadly. “I would start a new fashion trend. It might scare the English the next time we fight them. Can ye imagine a thousand Scottish Highlanders running over the hills in dresses?”
Eileen placed her hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles as she imagined it.
“Thank ye, Reid,” she said, after her laughter died down. “I needed that.”
If Thomas heard what they were talking about, he showed no sign of it.
They traveled on for another hour or so before he turned to her with a serious look. “Laird MacLennan told me about yer fake betrothal, and from everything else I heard about ye, ye might have a future in politics or strategic plannin’.”
“That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Eileen snorted.
“Oy,” Reid complained.
“Apart from all the annoyin’ things Reid’s said to me over the years,” Eileen clarified.
“That’s better,” Reid said.
Thomas’s expression didn’t change as Eileen and Reid smiled at each other.
“Of course, that willnae be yer future, and we must talk about it,” he continued.
“Aye?” Eileen asked.
“Aye.” Thomas nodded. “It’s time ye were wed properly. Ye’ll make someone a fine wife, and ye’re nae gettin’ any younger. I’ve spoken to Maither about it, and she agrees that it’s time for ye to have a life of yer own.”
I do have a life of me own, even though it’s incredibly messy.
“Whatever ye think is best for me,” Eileen muttered.
She knew there was no point in arguing with Thomas, and even if she appealed to Reid for help, he would back their older brother when it came to important decisions like that one.
“Once ye’re back and settled, we’ll start lookin’ for a match. Ye deserve the best, Eileen.”
“Thank ye.”
Eileen knew her brother only meant the best, and it would be better to coast through life with a family than alone. It might help her to take her mind off her infinite sorrow.
“It’ll be good for ye,” Reid added unconvincingly. “And ye’ll beat me to it. Who’d have thought that an ugly crier like ye would get married before a scarred bampot like me?”
Eileen laughed again. “Aye, but ye do deserve the best, too, Reid,” she insisted.
“Although I ken ye well enough to wonder whether the best deserves to spend the rest of their life with ye, what with the bad jokes and the awful wit. I mean, the only thing ye have to offer is… is… Thomas, help me out.”
Thomas gave a wry smile, though he remained silent as he looked out the window.
“Me own sister does me dirty.” Reid threw his arm around her and pulled her in. “Although ye’re right about everythin’ ye said. Maybe we can both remain unmarried, and we can grow old, bitter, and decrepit together.”
“Sounds idyllic,” Eileen quipped.
In a way, it did. She might joke about it, but it sounded like a better option than any of the others. Thomas would never allow it to happen, but she could dream.
When they arrived back at McFair Castle, their mother awaited them in the courtyard. Eileen was the first out of the carriage, and she ran into her mother’s arms.
Piper quickly exited from the second carriage and followed Eileen, remaining close.
“Oh, me goodness,” Alba gasped. “I’m so glad to have ye back. I thought I’d lost a son and a daughter, and here ye both are, returned to me. What a wonderful day this is.”
“I’m glad to be home, Maither,” Eileen gushed.
As she embraced her mother, she really was glad to be home.