Chapter 5 #4
Zak: Once we’d got that misunderstanding straightened out, we were back to the way things were before.
Holding hands, sneaking kisses. I took her to the burger place we’d been to on my last visit.
There weren’t many restaurants in town, for one thing, and I thought it might be nice to relive that date, the one on which we’d really started to like each other.
We both ordered cheese and bacon burgers, I think, and milkshakes.
I liked that she liked food. Back home, the girls all seemed to be competing to see who could eat the least.
Pea: It was all going fine until he asked me what I thought about AJ. I stopped eating, my burger almost finished. I wondered, absently, whether I had any sesame seeds from the bun in my teeth. And I said I thought AJ was a bit spoilt.
Zak: She said AJ was a brat, or something like that.
And listen, I know I shouldn’t have asked.
I knew better than anyone that AJ could be a handful, that people didn’t always warm to him, because they saw the demanding, moody side of him and not the boy I grew up alongside.
The one who liked playing stupid pranks and always shared his candy with me.
What did I think she was going to say? That he was charming, all sweetness and light?
He’d been restless and a bit obnoxious ever since we’d arrived.
But you know how it’s okay for you to criticise members of your family but no one else can, right?
So it really stung when she said that. It was because she meant a lot to me, and I wanted her to see who he could be.
Not pop star AJ. Not mega-rich, I-want-that-and-I-want-it-now AJ.
I wanted her to see the kid who used to look at me like I was his hero, who’d only play basketball at the park if I went along too.
The one who’d bring me a McDonalds cheeseburger back from any trip into town.
But I hadn’t seen much of that kid lately, and I knew Pea hadn’t seen him at all.
Anyway, it soured things a bit, and I was pissed with her for saying it, and pissed with myself for asking her.
Pea: It kind of ruined the whole evening.
Zak: So we’d started off badly but managed to pull it back, and then it had gone south again.
I asked for the check without asking if she wanted dessert.
And then we were back out on the street, but all the warmth had gone from the evening.
Pea hadn’t brought a jacket or anything and I could see the gooseflesh on her arms. I offered her my sweater, and she put it on.
We both laughed because it looked ridiculous on her, and then she said that she was sorry for what she’d said about AJ, and I shrugged and pretended it didn’t matter, even though it did.
Pea: Mum had told me to be back by ten thirty, and it was only nine. I wanted to go somewhere with him, somewhere we could be on our own, but I didn’t know how to ask.
Zak: I couldn’t take her back to the bus, because AJ would be there, but I didn’t want the evening to end either.
I asked if she wanted to go for a walk around the park.
It was going dark and obviously there were no lights on because it was shut down, so we stumbled about a bit.
There was this huge trampoline in the kids’ play park, and we ended up there, and Pea took her shoes off and started jumping.
I couldn’t see her face but she was laughing, and it was infectious.
I started laughing too, stooped down to take my own shoes off.
I got onto the trampoline and took hold of both her hands and we jumped together.
I hadn’t been on a trampoline for years, and there was something about the pure joy of it, the childishness.
I think I let go of some of the tension I’d been holding.
And it sounds crazy, but I was sure I was falling in love with her.
Pea: We ended up lying back on the trampoline, holding hands.
We were both looking up at the stars and he said he thought it was wild that he was thousands of miles from home but looking up at the same stars he could see from there.
And then he rolled onto his side and I rolled onto mine and we were kissing, his lips on my lips, then my jaw, then my collarbone.
I wanted to have sex with him, then. I’d been thinking and worrying about it so much but something raw and animal just took over and I wanted to be as close to him as I could be, skin to skin.
I asked him where we could go, and he grinned at me.
We went back to the bus to see if AJ was there.
He wasn’t, but I was conscious that he could walk in at any time.
Zak told me he’d lock the door from the inside, and that way AJ would have to knock and we’d at least get some warning.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best we could do. I didn’t think about where AJ was.
Alex: AJ was with me. I’m not proud of it.
He’d treated me like shit, got off with someone else in front of me, but he called my house and asked me to come over.
Half his team had gone out for dinner and drinks so there was a free bus.
I said, ‘What about your bus?’ and he laughed and said he thought Pea and Zak would probably end up screwing in there at some point.
I nearly picked him up on that. I didn’t like the way he talked about Pea.
But I didn’t, because he said something else.
‘Come over, please. I want you.’ I practically ran there.
Pea: Zak led me over to his bed and we sat on the edge of it, kissing.
At some point we fell back and he was on top of me and we were taking our clothes off.
I kept thinking about all the things I’d ever heard about losing your virginity.
That it hurts, that you bleed, that it’s just something to get over and done with.
But it didn’t feel like that, for me. Zak was slow and gentle and I felt this connection to him, like we were caught in a web together or something like that.
I mean, I was young. Na?ve. But it felt like love.
Alex: On the walk over, I told myself I’d wait for him to apologise.
But when I got there, he didn’t even speak.
He was waiting outside, in the dark, and he nodded his head to show which direction we were going in, and I followed him to the bus.
Once we were inside, he didn’t put a light on, he just grabbed me by my belt and started kissing me.
It was rough and urgent. When he pushed me back on the bed, half of me liked it and half of me wanted to speak out, to say that I was a person, not a toy.
I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling him it was my first time.
It was really clear that he was more experienced than me.
Pea: Afterwards, Zak kissed my eyelids, and I laughed. He asked why and I couldn’t tell him. I was just so happy. He held me really tight and when I said I had to get dressed and go home, he wouldn’t let me go for a minute or so. I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to break the spell.
Alex: Afterwards, I said I should get going and AJ said ‘yeah’, and I realised it was the first word he’d spoken in the whole time I’d been there.
He didn’t see me out. I walked home with tears stinging my eyes.
Why was I letting him treat me like that?
But I knew why. He was AJ Silver, wasn’t he?
Beautiful and almost magic. Known the world over but only touched by a few.
Danny: So Pea and Alex lost their virginities to brothers on the same night. It would be sweet if it wasn’t all so messed up.
Pea: The next day, on the walk to school, I asked Alex why he’d left abruptly when we were all down by the river.
He said he couldn’t stand being around Nicole and her friends.
I understood that. He asked how my date with Zak had gone, and I said it was nice.
I didn’t want to tell him what had happened.
I felt like a different person, somehow, someone a bit more grown-up and knowledgeable about the world. I wasn’t ready to dissect that.
Alex: Pea didn’t say much about her date with Zak, and I certainly didn’t tell her about my encounter with AJ. We talked about a History project we were doing instead, and it felt a bit like old times.
Zak: When Pea and Alex were at school, and AJ was in rehearsals for long days, I mostly walked around the park, thinking about what I was going to do with my life.
Somehow, it felt like going on rides alone would be dumb, and it used to make me laugh that AJ had insisted on there being a full staff.
There were people in green Wildworld T-shirts everywhere, just sitting around with nothing to do.
At least the weather was good. Sometimes I’d go into town, and that would usually end up with people thinking I was AJ, then realising I wasn’t.
It doesn’t do much for your self-confidence, when people get really excited thinking you might be your younger brother.
I felt kind of sorry for myself, I think.
I was so lost. I mean, I think a lot of teenagers don’t really know what they’re doing or where they’re heading, but I had an extreme case of that.
I had a place at college waiting for me and I still didn’t know whether I was going to go.
But I knew for sure I didn’t want my whole life to be like this, waiting around for AJ to finish whatever he was doing.
Travelling the world was a huge privilege, and I knew that, but it was his thing. It wasn’t mine.