Chapter 5 #5
Pea: I had exams going on. I sometimes forget that.
I’d done all right throughout school, and I’d worked hard on my revision, in between daydreaming about Zak, but I found it tough to concentrate knowing what was happening at home.
I just wanted to be back there, all the time.
And it was funny, because the real action was taking place elsewhere – the rehearsals and the concerts.
When I was at the park or at home, it didn’t feel different other than the fact that Zak and AJ were around and the park was empty.
The crowd at the gate had more or less dispersed.
Even adoring teenage fans can’t stick around forever if you don’t give them anything to live off.
Sometimes there were a handful of them there, and they’d change.
Like they were tag teaming or something.
The concerts had started, and AJ’s moods were all over the place.
He always seemed to be on a massive high or really agitated.
And he invited Nicole and her friends over a couple of times.
Alex: AJ and I were together on and off the whole time. Whenever there was an opportunity to be alone, we’d sneak off. I don’t think anyone noticed, because they didn’t expect it, and because Pea and Zak were so wrapped up in each other. But he was seeing Nicole too, and that was out in the open.
Nicole: I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again after that first day, but a couple of days later Mum called me to the phone and mouthed that it was ‘someone American’, and I felt like I was going to faint.
He asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I hoped he meant do more of the stuff we’d done in that field.
And he did. There was a lot of bus-hopping, because there were a few couples looking for somewhere to go.
Two of his team, if I remember correctly, and then Pea and Zak, of course.
I still couldn’t get over that. I’d been hoping to set Zak up with Kelly or Fay, but it never happened.
I think it was about the third or fourth time that we had sex.
It wasn’t my first time. And it wasn’t that good, either, if I’m being totally honest. It was hurried and frantic – typical teenage sex, I suppose.
Alex: Every time I saw him and Nicole together, I’d promise myself that I’d say no next time he grabbed my hand or phoned me.
But I never did. It’s hard to explain, because when I look at photos of him now, he just looks like a teenage boy.
I mean, he was hot, and he had this aura, but it was like I was under some kind of spell, and it would never happen to me now.
Sebastian: One afternoon, AJ asked if I wanted to come to the Manchester show. He said they were taking one of the buses and Pea and Alex and Nicole were going. I said no thanks. It wasn’t my thing. He laughed at that, like no one had ever said no to him before.
Danny: Time for the show. Sebastian didn’t want a ticket, but everyone else did.
Pea: When the Manchester show came around, there was a crowd of us going.
Me, Alex, and Nicole were travelling there on the tour buses with AJ and his crew.
Mum and Dad had let me take the day off school because they were leaving at lunchtime to get everything set up and sound checked.
That had been a whole drama, with plenty of tears, but I didn’t have an exam that day, so I really didn’t need to be there.
I felt anxious on the journey and I didn’t know why.
I never felt relaxed around Nicole, I suppose.
Her and AJ were flirty and I often saw them kissing or sneaking off to an empty bus, but I never saw them holding hands or anything like that.
It just felt sort of fake. And I hated watching Alex watch them.
I had no idea, back then, that something was going on with Alex too.
It’s awful, looking back. Like Nicole was this front, because he didn’t want people to question his sexuality.
We arrived at the venue and there was nothing to do for a few hours.
Zak and I sat in the empty stadium and watched AJ rehearse some of his costume changes.
It was quite fascinating for me but I could tell that Zak was bored.
I suppose he’d seen it all before. I said, ‘It’s hard to imagine that in a few hours’ time, this place will be full of screaming girls. ’ He just shrugged.
After a while, we went to get something to eat.
AJ was busy so Zak said he’d bring him back a burger.
Alex and Nicole tagged along and we found a McDonalds and Zak ordered everyone’s food.
I tried to offer him money, but he said it would be covered on expenses.
We found a table and when he brought the food over, there were bags and bags of it.
He said he thought it was easier to just get a bit of everything.
It made me laugh. Whenever I went to McDonald’s with Alex, I’d have three pounds to spend on a value meal and that was it.
Nicole: That McDonald’s trip was bad even before all hell broke loose.
There was no love lost between me and Pea or Alex, and Zak was sort of oblivious and just tried to keep the conversation going.
I think there was something going on with Pea and Alex too.
They weren’t the same as they’d always been before. It was like they were strangers.
Alex: Things with Pea had been weird ever since this whole escapade had started.
She was secretive about her relationship with Zak, and it felt like she’d found him and ditched me.
Nicole kept making little digs, saying things like she’d never envisaged doing something social with me and Pea and it was exactly as fun as she’d thought it would be.
Zak: Yeah, Nicole was a bitch. I didn’t know why AJ was hanging out with her. She was kind of pretty, but it didn’t make up for the way she spoke to people.
Alex: She was talking about AJ as if he was her husband or something. I said, ‘You do know he won’t remember your name in a month’s time?’
Pea: It went so quiet after that. Then Nicole stood up and threw her milkshake in Alex’s face. He did that comedy thing you see clowns do after getting hit in the face with a cream pie, wiping the gunk from his eyes. She stormed off.
Nicole: I probably shouldn’t have done it, no.
Would I do it again? Probably. Alex and Pea were nobodies.
They weren’t important. But I knew it would get back to AJ, through Zak if no one else.
I walked back to the venue and the security guards wouldn’t let me in.
I said I was with AJ, and they just laughed.
So I had to wait there until the others arrived.
Zak: We cleaned Alex up as well as we could in the toilets and then we headed back.
There was loads of food left over so I put it all in my backpack for AJ and the crew.
Nicole was standing outside the main entrance, looking sheepish.
As we approached, she said, ‘Will you tell them I’m with AJ?
’ The security guards looked at me. Pea squeezed my hand.
I said, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this girl before in my life.
’ We walked in with her screaming after us.
Alex: It was brilliant. Made it worth the milkshake thing.
AJ wasn’t on the stage so I went to his dressing room and knocked on the door.
He was pacing, clearly tense. He asked what had happened to my hair and T-shirt, and I told him.
He came over to me, kissed me hard like he was angry, started to unbutton my jeans.
I reached across and locked the door. He said something, while we were undressing, something like ‘You’re better than her’ or ‘It’s you I want to be with’.
I can’t quite go back to it, in my mind.
There have been a fair few sexual encounters since then, but those early ones are so formative, especially if they’re with someone enormously famous.
It was enough, anyway, whatever he said. Enough for me to drop to my knees.
Nicole: I was furious. I went to a payphone to call AJ’s mobile but I didn’t have enough change. So there I was, in the middle of a city I didn’t know, on my own. I didn’t know what to do.
Alex: Afterwards, AJ said, ‘Where’s Nicole now?’ I couldn’t believe it. I said she was outside last time I saw her, that the security guards wouldn’t let her in, and he looked furious and stormed out. When he came back, she was with him, looking all smug, so I walked out, went off in search of Pea.
Nicole: After AJ rescued me, I asked him how he was feeling about the show.
It was obvious he was nervous but I knew he wouldn’t admit it.
He said he had twenty minutes before hair and makeup was starting, and I said, ‘Well, what can we do in twenty minutes?’ He was sitting on this chair in front of a huge mirror and I sat on his lap, facing him, and kissed him.
I could feel him, hard against me. It was our last time.
Danny: Teenage lust, hey?
Zak: The show was fine. Everyone talks about it now, because it ended up being his last show, but obviously we didn’t know that then.
If you’d told me AJ would never play another show, that less than twenty-four hours later, he’d be dead, I would have laughed in your face.
He was so alive, my brother. I never met someone who seemed so alive.