34. Chapter 34
Chapter 34
BERNIE
I slid a finger around the rim of my glass as I lazily caressed Muffin. She yawned and stretched in my lap, seemingly as exhausted as I felt.
“Just like last night, your cat will have to go back outside before the evening rush,” Mike said, pausing in front of me.
I raised a brow at the bartender and owner. “Thanks for letting her in right now,” I replied.
He chuckled, the rag squeaking against the cup he cleaned. “She’s hairless, so it’s no biggie. I just can’t have everyone thinking I’ll make an exception for just anyone.”
“But something about my charming smile won you over?” I gave him a crooked grin, and he shook his head.
“Obviously. You sure you still don’t want anything more than a Coke? Most folks add something extra to theirs.”
I glanced back down at the half-empty cup with mostly flat soda that had become room temperature a while ago. “Nah. This’ll do me fine.”
“Most people come to bars for alcohol or socialization. You’re here for neither, it seems,” he continued.
He wasn’t wrong. My pride and guilt consumed me, and I had no idea how to confront either. Darkness loomed on the horizon, and being closer to Duncan had done nothing to help me wade the turmoil.
Running from Kat hadn’t been the best decision, I knew that. Taking a page from Ford’s playbook hadn’t offered the solace I’d expected. But it was the only way I could convince myself that I’d never be the reason someone else got hurt.
Which, deep down, I knew was a fucking contradictory thought considering the fact that when orders came, I’d be back out in a war zone, and the inevitable would eventually happen.
But I’d made a promise to Kat. I’d even made a promise to my mom, yet somehow the cops were leery of me, even without breaking the law. I’d hit a new record seeing as I hadn’t blown shit up.
Not anything physical anyway.
I’d certainly blown my relationship up. Probably destroyed my mom in the process, and what about Raiden? He’d grown up without his father, and now I’d left.
There was only so much justification a man could convince himself of before the guilt bled through.
I wondered how long I’d stick around here before moving on, seeing as being at Duncan’s grave had brought me very little comfort. Maybe a trip to visit his mom in person would help. Except a wave of selfishness shoved that thought out .
What a cruel person I’d be to show up with my own shit when the mother who’d lost her child was grieving as well. Part of me wondered what right I had to feel like this?
We’d all signed up for this shit knowing it was possible.
But knowing it could happen, versus it actually happening, were two different beasts.
It should’ve been me.
“How dare you.” A voice as warm as honey yet as sharp as a knife in the belly seared through my thoughts.
I shot my gaze to the front door of the bar.
“Hey, Kit Kat,” I said, not entirely surprised to see her. Yet, the amount of relief and love that filled me came as a shock. With one hand on her hip, her disheveled hair fit the sweats and T-shirt hanging from her body. How beautiful she was.
She’d kept her promise, even if I’d failed.
Whipping my head away from her, I rammed my eyes shut and fought at the tears brimming against the dam I’d been so good at keeping sealed.
Footsteps rattled my way as the bottle I’d stuffed everything into exploded. As if I was back in the trenches, the overwhelming gush of the comfort she provided raged upon me like an ocean I dove into.
Arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into her chest. The familiar scent of her gentle caress wafted over me, with a hint of airport. My breath heaved in my lungs as the tears slid down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I failed,” I cried into her as she squeezed me tighter.
“Benjamin Phillips, how dare you think that leaving me was the best way to keep me safe. You didn’t break your promise. Wyatt is the one to blame. The man that shot Duncan is the one to blame,” she sternly replied.
I twisted her shirt into my fingers as I threw my arms around her waist. With my eyes closed, I swallowed my ego I’d fought with and became putty in her embrace.
“It should’ve been me, Kat. Both with Duncan and with you,” I whispered against her body.
“How fucking dare you think that. The bullet only grazed my arm, that’s it. And why would you think that it should’ve been you and not Duncan? It shouldn’t have been Duncan, or anyone on your team.”
“But why?”
Her chest expanded as her chin plopped against my head.
“But why?” I asked again.
Her jaw swiped back and forth on the top of my hair. “I don’t know, Bernie. I wish I had some answer that would make all of your pain go away. But I don’t. What I do know is Duncan wouldn’t want you or anyone else on the team thinking that.”
Anger roared through the grief. “How the fuck do you know that? You don’t know him. You’ll never know him.”
Regret immediately swarmed my soul as the words left my lips.
Instead of the berating I deserved, Kat placed a gentle kiss against the top of my head. “I know I don’t know him. I wish I’d been able to meet him, but I do know he wouldn’t want this because of you. ”
I furrowed my brows and pulled my face away from her chest. Beautiful big blue eyes looked down at me, and pouty lips pulled into a gentle smile.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Her hands slipped to my cheeks. “Why would Duncan want you to be anyone but the man he got to call brother? He was your friend, teammate, someone who you loved and someone who loved you. When you love someone, all you want is what’s best for them. Honor his memory by being the man he knows you are and can be.”
Releasing my death grip on her shirt, I leaned away from her and let my palms rest on her voluptuous hips. “I thought I was the older one in this relationship,” I teased quietly through a silent tear.
Her tender smile widened. “This is your one hall pass to be immature.”
Muffin chattered in my lap, rising from her curled state, and Kat’s eyes brightened. “Hi, Muffin,” she said, her attention pulled away from me.
She reached down and scratched the cat’s ears, running a hand over her back. A heavy thump of my heart in my chest sent an understanding through my body, and I tipped my head.
“Why’d you come for me? Why not make me suffer for at least a week? I know I shouldn’t have left, I just…” I inhaled deeply, realizing all justifications no longer held any weight.
She giggled gently, continuing to give Muffin the attention my cat deserved. “I should’ve let you sit with your stupid ass decision for a few more days, huh?”
“Yeah, you should’ve. ”
Her eyes lifted to mine, and she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I made you a promise.”
I pulled my gaze down to the hardwood floor, ignoring the dust coating my black leather boots tucked beneath my black jeans. “But I broke mine.”
She clicked her tongue. “Bottle Cap, you didn’t. I’m safe because of you. Wyatt is in jail and will be going to prison for attempted murder for a long time. Plus, maybe with some drug charges too.”
Exhaling, I pursed my lips. “Your dad is gonna think I pulled some cheap shot to get in with you.”
Her giggle tugged my gaze back up to hers. “Bernie, if there’s one thing I learned about you, is that you never take the easy or cheap route. I don’t think you even realize you do it, but you tend to make things harder for yourself. I doubt it’ll be any different when you face my dad.”
I shook my head and glanced at the glass I hadn’t touched resting on the bar. “Does this mean I still have a shot with you? Even after I kinda ran away.”
“If you fucking do that again, I’ll find you again, but instead of being so forgiving and understanding, I’ll take that emasculator to you. Hell, maybe I’ll just use a pocketknife to chop your nuts off. Got it?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I replied with a grin and looked back at her. “Thank you for coming for me,” I added with a whisper.
She plopped herself down on the barstool next to me and cocked her brow. “You owe me a lot of groveling. Plus, I want to hear you say it out loud, not just read it in the letter you left your mom.”
“Hear what?” I leaned an elbow against the bar as she pulled her heels up. “Also, speaking of my mom, is she… okay? ”
“She’ll be fine once you’re back home. Probably pissed for a while, and when I talked to her after I landed at the airport, Raiden is pissed you missed chaperoning prom for him. He still got to go, but I think he was really excited to have you around.”
“Shit.” I sighed and leaned my head back. “I kind of forgot about that.”
Something grated across the wooden counter of the bar, and I glanced down at the phone Kat slid to me. My phone. “You’ve got a few missed calls and texts,” she said.
“Yeah, I probably do, huh?” Grabbing it from her, I didn’t bother checking it yet as I glanced back at her. “Now, what did you want me to say to your face? I’ll do whatever groveling, say whatever it is you want and need. I’m a fucking idiot. An asshole. I shouldn’t have ever left. I’m—”
“Tell me you love me,” she inserted.
“I love you.” I placed a hand over hers as they rested on her knees. “I love you, Kat.”
“Promise me you’ll never pull something like this again.”
“I promise I’ll never pull shit like this again. I promise I’ll do everything to make sure you’re always taken care of and happy.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Promise me you’ll consult me with any choice that involves me or affects me in any way.”
“I promise I’ll never take your choice away again.” I stuffed my phone in my pocket and pressed my palm against her cheek. Threading my fingers through her hair, I tugged her closer to me.
“Date me in the open. No more secrets. And please don’t give up on me even if it takes my dad a while to come around to the idea of you,” she demanded .
“Kit Kat, haven’t you figured it out yet?” I leaned forward, a breath away from her lips.
“Figured out what?” Her gaze darted briefly to my mouth.
“I’m not afraid of a little fight, no matter how long it takes.”
She rolled her eyes. “You ran away from the fight for me at the hospital.”
I tipped away from her. “Fair. I did run. But not from the fight. Not for that reason.”
Mischief sparkled in her gaze as she winked. “I know.”
“Oh, I see how it’s going to be.” I pursed my lips as she giggled.
“I love you too, Bernie. All of your dumbass, idiocy, impulsive self.” She smiled, and I slammed my lips against hers.
Oh, how good it felt to kiss her again with nothing hanging over my head. She was right. With everything she said concerning Duncan and how I was handling things, she was right.
Though, I wouldn’t say a damn thing about the fact I knew she was right.
Moving my lips with hers, I pressed deeper into the kiss as she slid a hand to my waist. We had a road ahead of us before things would truly be settled, I knew that.
But that ghost of blame that had hung around me since Duncan’s death was nowhere to be seen. If it wasn’t for her gentle spirit and ability to forgive, things would look so different now.
Pulling away briefly, I hovered near her lips. “How’d you find me, by the way?” I asked .
She patted my waist. “It wasn’t that difficult. Besides, if you really wanted to disappear, I knew you’d be able to. But I also knew you weren’t truly wanting to. No matter how much you blamed yourself, I knew you loved me more than that.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whispered and pecked her lips.
“No, you don’t.” She kissed me in return.
And then it hit me. Breaking the embrace, I tipped my head. “Where’s Ford? Or Emma? Did you really come alone?”
She furrowed her brows. “Do you not think I’m capable of traveling by myself?”
“You got a fucking concussion, Kit Kat. You’re not supposed to drive until all your symptoms have been gone for forty-eight hours and doing regular tasks doesn’t ignite them again.” I dropped my touch from her face and resumed petting Muffin.
“Sometimes I hate how logical you can be,” she muttered and plopped her hands in her lap. “Emma drove me to the airport because she had a business trip she needed to go on, and Ford flew home before I found out you’d left.”
“He went home? As in to Louisiana? Why?” I gasped, widening my eyes.
“You’d know this if you’d taken your phone, dummy, because he tried to call and text you,” she grumbled with a crooked smile. “But his mawmaw called and said he was needed.” She shrugged her shoulders as my mouth fell open.
“His mawmaw called?! ”
“Who’s his mawmaw? And I know he mentioned they hadn’t talked in like fourteen or fifteen years, but still… What’s the big deal?”
Digging my wallet out of my back pocket, I plopped a wad of cash on the counter for my soda. “That’s what he calls his grandma. And it’s not just that they haven’t talked since he was eighteen, but it’s been fifteen years of no contact because of some major family feud he won’t give even me details about. So, for her to call him is as big as when my father told us he had cancer.”
She slid down from the barstool as I scooped Muffin up from my lap. “That’s kind of a morbid analogy, Bernie.”
“Yeah, but not surprising, is it?” I winked at her as I waved at Mike who casually leaned back at the far opposite end of the bar.
“Where are we going?” Kat asked as I grabbed her hand and dragged her across the bar.
“To the bayou.”
“No, we most certainly are not.” Kat tugged her fingers from my grasp, and I paused.
Cradling Muffin in the crook of my arm, I raised a brow at her. “Why not?”
“You’ll call Ford and tell him you’re sorry for leaving, but we’re going back home. He deserves time to figure shit out with his family by himself.”
Groaning, I pursed my lips. “Fine. But only for a couple weeks. He also deserves support.”
She shook her head but smiled. “Let’s go, Bottle Cap. You have a mom and brother to apologize to, my parents to confront, and a whole lotta lovin’ you owe me. ”
“Damn do I fucking love you,” I said and nodded. “Oh, speaking of your parents, what about the money issue with Wyatt?”
She raised her brows. “They said that because of Wyatt trying to murder you and shooting me, that Wyatt’s parents will be gifting the money to pay for my medical bills and square up the debt the ranch has.”
I exhaled in relief. “Let’s go then. We have like a thirty-seven-hour ride minimum to get home.”
“Ride?” She slipped her fingers back into mine.
I led her out the front door and pointed at my motorcycle parked off to the side. “Come on, my beautiful backpack.”
“Where’s Muffin gonna ride?” Her eyes narrowed.
“I’ll move her basket up in front of me. Easy peasy. Now, stop arguing and get your cute ass moving.” I slapped her butt as she walked by, and she giggled.
“Don’t do that in front of my dad. He’d probably shoot you,” she teased.
I grinned. “Let him try.”
It was time to go home. With Kat by my side. And I knew, however strange it may have seemed, Duncan was with me too—no matter what happened.