Chapter Twenty-six
Matty brushed a piece of hair from her face as she tried to peer through the windshield. It was raining hard, the noise almost deafening against the roof of the cab. “Shit, I thought it was just supposed to be cloudy today. Not a downpour.”
“Yeah, I didn’t see this coming. The wipers are hardly keeping up. If I didn’t have to go to this suit fitting, I wouldn’t,” said Kerrie.
“Bette would kill you if you missed it.”
“She would, then revive me to do it again. This wedding is starting to get to her. I can’t wait for it to be over and we’re back to normal. Don’t get me wrong, I want her to be my wife, but if I never have to discuss color schemes or table runners again, I’ll be happy.”
Matty laughed. She could only imagine how much work went into a wedding. Her thoughts briefly went to Reese, who, without a doubt, would look fantastic in a wedding dress. And out of it, for that matter.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay at your grandmother’s without a car? I’m not sure how long it will take, and it’s in Florence, so it’ll take me forty minutes to get down there and forty back.”
“I should be fine. She promised it would just be us. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t gotten to visit in a while.”
“Okay, well, I’ll text you when I’m headed back.”
By the time they arrived, the rain had been reduced to a drizzle, but there was a chill in the air. She popped the hood of her hoodie up over her head. “I’ll see you in a little while.”
She ran to the door, scuffed her boots against the welcome mat, and entered the home.
“Ooh, it smells so good in here,” she declared, inhaling the savory scent coming from the kitchen.
“I thought I’d cook us up a little lunch,” Grams said, holding her arm out, the one that wasn’t stirring a pot. “Give me a hug.”
She wrapped the older woman in a tight hug, inhaling the smell of Ivory soap and the rose lotion she used faithfully. She had smelled like that for the entirety of Matty’s life.
“What are we having?”
“Stewed potatoes, cream corn, cornbread, and white beans. You want me to cut up a little white onion?”
Matty rubbed her belly, her eyes darting over the pots and pans on the stove. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll get the plates.”
They moved around the little kitchen with decades of familiarity. It was nice to be back. She tried not to remember how defeated she felt the last time she was there.
“I really wanted some fried green tomatoes, but they didn’t have any in yet. Nothing better than a garden-grown tomato.”
They sat across from each other, each with a plate full of food.
“They’ll be ready soon. Summer’s going to be in full swing soon. Damn, these beans are great.”
Grammy nodded her approval. “Pretty good if I do say so myself. So, how’s work been?”
“Pretty good. We had to replace a good portion of the engine in one of the trucks this week. I didn’t think it was ever going to start running again.”
“Why don’t they take it to a real mechanic?”
Matty frowned. “Al is a real mechanic. I helped him with it. He’s not the most limber anymore, so I did a lot of the grunt work.”
“If he was a real mechanic, then he’d be at a shop. Not fixing toilets and replacing lightbulbs.”
“Grams, that’s my job.”
She tilted her head, the lines etched on her face deepening. “I know that, honey. And for you, that’s a good job.”
“I don’t understand. The last time I was here, you said that I didn’t need a better job, but now you’re implying it’s not good enough for other people but is for me. Like I’m not worthy of something better?”
“Don’t be silly. I just mean someone with a trade, like a real mechanic, would have the schooling. Not just someone that’s pretty good at fixing things.”
Matty’s appetite diminished. She let her fork drop onto the plate.
“That’s not cool, Grams.”
“Don’t make this into a big deal. Ever since you got caught up in this rehab thing, you’ve changed. Used to a paycheck being good enough. Now you’ve gotten where things aren’t good enough. Will you get me the pepper shaker, baby? My back’s killing me.”
Matty pushed down the anger and hurt as she went to retrieve the shaker from the back of the stove.
The longer she was away from Grams, the more she realized just how much she would never change. Everything was settled for. She settled for the life she had and, in turn expected those around her to also follow that path. There was no diverting from it. If someone tried, she’d gaslight them.
When she agreed to come over, she thought that perhaps Grams would have softened to the idea of her advancing her career. She had been excited to tell her that she had taken the practice test for math and science and passed. But not anymore. Not now.
“I was thinking, for the Fourth of July, why don’t we have a cookout? Invite the family. Have a good time.”
Her mind immediately went to the last Fourth of July she had attended a few years ago.
She could remember the first few hours and then nothing after that until she woke up the next afternoon.
Fourth of July with her extended family guaranteed grilled hot dogs, beer, and pot, and it only rolled downhill from there.
It would be loud and fun in the moment and land her ass right back at square one.
“I don’t suppose we could make it alcohol- and drug-free?”
Granny snorted, taking the shaker from her. “You really think your uncle Rick will grill out without beer?”
“He would if you asked him to.”
She took her seat once again but didn’t eat anymore. Instead, she pushed the bits of food around the plate. The nostalgia of Grams’s home-cooked food was completely gone.
“I can’t change everything just for one person.”
“Right.” A jolt of pain went through her chest. Dismissed once again. No thought to how it made her feel. She opened her mouth and then closed it. There was no point in arguing.
“Did I tell you about Francis Miller’s daughter from church? She’s pregnant with triplets.”
“No, you didn’t.”
She let her grandmother gossip, learning all about the latest updates of people she didn’t know nor really cared about. It seemed to make her happy and got them away from the topic of the party.
Matty insisted that Grammy stay seated while she cleaned up the dishes and put the leftovers away. Grams tried to make her take a plate, but she gently refused. It would just leave a bad taste in her mouth.
“You sure you don’t want to take some home?
I still remember when you were about five, and I woke up in the middle of the night hearing from you.
I found you on the floor with a big bowl of cream corn, and you were just going to town on it.
It was all over you, in your hair, and on the floor, but my little dark-haired baby was so happy, smiling up at me. ”
A smile tugged at her lips as she dried a pan. Visits were like a yo-yo. The gaslighting and dismissiveness, then sweet, kind comments. It was exhausting. “That’s really sweet.”
She was putting the last of the dishes away when Grammy started waving her arm. “You can come in. It’s fine.”
She smelled him before she saw him. There was no mistaking it. The pungent stench of weed took over the space as Clay walked into the kitchen.
“Hey, Matty,” he greeted her before giving Grammy a hug.
Grammy waved a hand in front of her. “You stink. You need to stop smoking that crap in closed spaces.”
Matty’s eye twitched as her jaw tightened. She was even acknowledging it, but was still not caring about Matty and her feelings. “Grams, you promised it would just be us.”
“I told you I shouldn’t have dropped by.”
“You knew?” She shot him a questioning glare.
“Stop, Matty. He’s just here to get something. He’s not staying,” she chastised, causing Matty to blanch. How was she the issue?
Grammy reached towards the end of the table where her purse lay. She plucked her wallet out. “Clay, we were talking about the Fourth of July. Doesn’t a cookout sound fun?”
“It does. We could hang out, Matty. Shoot off some fireworks.”
She was hardly hearing the words. She watched Grammy pull out two twenties, then hold them out to Clay. Not only was Grammy dismissing Matty’s feelings left and right, but she was still coddling Clay. Not Matty, of course. Always Clay.
Anger flared in her chest, spreading out through her veins. “You know damn well I don’t want to hang out with you,” she spat, then turned her attention to Grammy. “And why are you giving him money? You can’t afford to fund his habit.”
“Hey, don’t talk to her like that, man, she’s just spotting me.”
“We both know you’ll never pay her back. You just leech off her, not giving a shit about her. This is what you do.” Her pulse began to race.
Clay jumped forward, getting in her face. The smell was even stronger. “You don’t know. You don’t even fucking know me anymore.”
She stepped up to him, their noses just an inch apart. She could smell his breath. It made her belly roll, but she didn’t stand down. She met his red-rimmed eyes. “I know you. I know everything about you, Clay. You’re not fucking mysterious or unique. I know you because I’ve been you.”
Without waiting for his reply, she sidestepped him and made for the door.
“Matty, Matty, get back here!” Grammy hollered. “It’s pouring rain.”
“I’d rather be in the rain than in this house where everyone else seems to matter more than I do.”
She let the door slam behind her.
The rain was steadily coming down. She popped her hood up and then shoved her hands in her pockets. She was barely at the road’s edge when she began to sob, hot tears trailing down her face, mingling with cold raindrops. The contrast burned her skin.
This didn’t have to happen. None of it had to happen.
All Grammy had to do was keep her promise and respect Matty’s wishes.
It wasn’t that hard. Just a few hours alone together.
That’s all. It could have even been other family members.
Some other cousin, but no, it was always Clay.
Always the one person she had the most history with when she was using.
There was too much between them. She’d tried being his friend before when she got briefly clean, and he was her downfall.
Too much of a temptation. They had been enabling each other since they were kids.
Breaking away from him had hurt. It was like a punch to the heart, but it had to happen.
She wiped harshly at her face as she switched from tears and back to anger. It didn’t have to be like this. She had done the work. She had gotten her life together, and still, it wasn’t enough.
A car drove by, splashing her legs. She cursed, raising her fist in the air. “Fuck you!”
Her anger should have startled her. Anger wasn’t her usual go-to emotion, but how much could she take before she needed to let off steam?
Cold water was now seeping into her hoodie and through her jeans. Her feet were dry for the moment, but by the time she walked across town in this mess, she would be drenched. She didn’t bother trying to call Kerrie. She had yet to text that she was on her way.
As she crossed the street, she spotted a Coke can by the sidewalk. She slammed her boot into it, sending it flying. She was going in for another kick when a car passed going in the opposite direction. She wasn’t paying attention when it made a U-turn to pull beside her.
“Matty?”
Somehow her chilled skin managed to frost over at the sweet, concerned voice calling her name. The urge to run pulled at her to turn around. The feeling of embarrassment overwhelmed her.
“Matty? It’s me, Reese.”
She knew who it was. Her eyes closed as her mind sent up a silent plea to just disappear into the concrete below her feet. Just open up and swallow her whole. Too many emotions were fighting inside her.
With no choice but to acknowledge her, Matty turned to the side. Reese’s sweet, concerned face came into view. It made her uncomfortable. Like she was being seen so openly, it made her want to cover herself.
“Hey, get in,” Reese gently demanded with the click of the locks disengaging.
Her feet didn’t move. If she got in that car, then there would be questions, and her heart couldn’t take much more.
What would Reese think? The counselor in her would probably chastise Matty for going over there in the first place.
There had been more than enough instances where it wasn’t a safe place for her, but her heart led her there.
The smallest piece still held out hope that things would change. She felt like such a fool.
She grabbed the handle and got in without a word. What could she say? Hey, Reese, I fucked up again?
“Are you okay? Why are you in the rain?” The concern was a guilt punch to the gut.
She winced at the rawness in her voice. “Can you take me home?”
“Yeah, I can, but what’s going on?”
“Can you just take me home? Please?” She didn’t mean for there to be an edge to it.
“Oh, um, yeah, I can.”
Her already worn heart broke. Reese didn’t deserve this. It was Matty’s fault she was in this position. What if she thought Matty was sliding into bad scenarios? She had seen Matty in the carefully controlled environments so far. Would it make her look less stable?
The drive to her place was stiff and awkward. She could feel Reese’s eyes turning to her several times, but she just stared straight ahead with her fists clenched so hard in the pocket of her hoodie that it hurt.
When they pulled up to the back of the house to let her out, the awkwardness was almost painful.
She needed it to end. Her emotions and the hurt and anger from earlier were too raw.
The need to seek solitude and recoup was strong.
No outside distractions. No temptations.
The safety of her apartment called to her.
So the only thing she could think to do was lean over and quickly kiss Reese’s cheek. “Thanks for the ride.”
And without any hesitation, she jumped out of the car and shut the door. She didn’t breathe again until she was safely within her apartment.