Chapter 45
forty-five
ROWAN
“You’re going to see your dad?” James asks.
I nod and take a drink of my beer.
“What are you trying to get out of it?” Beau asks.
Me and the guys decide to hang out on the second level of the brewery while customers mingle downstairs. After the incredible night I had with Ellie, I had to clear my mind. Especially the conversation where I begged her not to leave.
I look at Beau over my glass and then set it down on the wooden table we’re sitting at. “I think it’s time that I finally go see him.”
“What’s making you want to do this? Is it because of a certain woman?” Beau asks.
Yes, it is, but I’m not going to tell him that. I need to let myself heal from all the bullshit I’ve put myself through. I want to be a better man, not only for myself but for Ellie.
I’ve pushed people away my entire life, and I can’t let myself do that anymore. I need Ellie in my life. Whether that’s us staying here or me moving to New York.
“I just need to clear some things up. I’m not going to lie and say that Ellie coming to town didn’t have any influence, because it did. I’m twenty-nine, and I know I can’t keep living like this. I’m driving myself crazy wondering what can happen if I talk to him. If I can’t find the courage to do this, how am I going to be able to overcome my fears with other things in life? Will it be easy? No. But if Ellie can deal with everything that’s going on with her, why can’t I?”
“Because the situation with your dad is very different from her situation,” James says.
“James, you have the best relationship with both of your parents, I don’t know if you can understand this. I’m not trying to be a dick, but you were lucky enough to not come from a broken home,” I tell him.
Beau darts his eyes back and forth between me and James. He doesn’t say anything. He just stares and listens. I’ve been close to these two for as long as I can remember, and they have the healthiest relationship with their parents, their dad.
“Fine.” James slams his glass on the table. “I’m going back to work.” He gets up from his chair and walks back downstairs.
Beau rubs his face with his hands and then runs them through his dark hair.
“What? Am I wrong?” I ask.
I’m being a fucking dick, and I need to stop, but I can’t. I’m a fucking mess. A mess over my dad, over Ellie, over my entire life.
“What the hell is going on with you? You’ve been acting like an asshole these past few days,” Beau says. “This isn’t like you.”
I clench my jaw and fight with myself if I should tell him or not. I sure as shit can’t tell Addie. I can’t tell August. And I just pissed off James.
Beau is sitting in front of me, giving me an opportunity to tell him what is running through this pathetic mind of mine. So, I give in and tell him. Everything. I tell him about Charlie and Ellie and hooking up with her.
Beau sits back in his chair and folds his arms across his chest, letting out a low whistle. He rubs his hand against his jaw with his eyes on the table.
“That’s a lot to process,” he finally says.
“Tell me about it.”
“And you think going to speak with your dad is going to help you with Ellie?”
I shrug, “I think it’s going to help with a lot of things.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
I put my glass down. “At least I’ll be able to move forward in whatever direction I may take with my dad. I don’t know.”
“Wait, what do you mean? Are you trying to have a relationship with him?”
I don’t answer because I don’t know how to answer that question. Young Rowan wants to have a relationship with his dad. Present Rowan doesn’t know if it’s the best idea because he doesn’t know the man anymore. He could be a scumbag for all I know.
Beau continues, “Don’t tell James this. If you are going to talk to your dad to hear his side and possibly build a father-son relationship with him, don’t tell James. I know we were kids when it happened, but he hated seeing you like that after your dad left. Why do you think he always wanted you over? Because he wanted our dad to consider you like a son to him. And our dad does.”
“I know that. I’m extremely grateful for all the things your dad has done for me. But it isn’t the same.”
“I know. I know I don’t understand. Does Addie know you’re doing this?”
I shake my head and look at the table.
“Does your mom?”
“Yeah, she does,” I mutter.
“And she’s okay with this?” He leans on the table with his arms and pulls my attention back to him.
“I’m an adult, and she knows she can’t stop me from doing this. She told me not to go in with high expectations. He only lives three hours from us. How am I supposed to continue moving on with my life when I find that out?”
“I get it, okay? I’m not trying to convince you not to do this. I just want to make sure I understand this, understand you and where you’re coming from. Does Ellie know?”
“She doesn’t. I was going to tell her today. She’s supposed to meet me here so I can talk to her about it.”
Beau nods. “Okay, all right. Do you want me to be here when you tell her?”
“No.” I breathe out. “It’s okay.”
“I hope she doesn’t take the news like James did.”
I pick up my glass again and down the rest of the beer.