Chapter 55
Addison
I stood in the doorway of my apartment and let Daniel’s words soak into me as if I was stepping into a warm bubble bath. They surrounded me with warmth and a comfort that I didn’t know how badly I needed until this moment.
I felt like I was in a movie or one of Monica’s romance novels.
It felt so surreal to be delivered a speech like that.
One you only saw on the screen or read in books.
But the words were for me. I had a quick, satisfactory feeling thinking about how Monica’s book just might have that happy ending after all.
Daniel’s eyes were looking at me expectantly.
The icy blue of them had somehow danced into a deeper shade, and I found myself lost in them.
Lost in this moment. I knew he was waiting for me to say something.
It took everything I had not to start sobbing and try to formulate a sentence. My gaze fell to the floor.
At my feet was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I had never seen anything like that. The hues of blues and pinks and soft whites kissed in a soft array of pastel colors. Roses. Orchids. Hyacinths. And next to it, a white paper cup of herbal tea that was probably lukewarm by now.
I laughed softly at the gesture. The memory. Of a time when things seemed so simple and new. Even then, he was trying to be a part of my life by showing up to Brooklyn each morning and driving me into Manhattan. A commute back and forth that not many would want to take first thing in the morning.
He really had been trying all along. And maybe he didn’t get it right sometimes. I sure as hell hadn’t. But he was here at my door and he was fighting for me once again.
I took a deep breath.
“When I first met you, I thought I had you pegged. I knew your type. A rich, spoiled playboy. I told you as much, until I realized who you were. I’m still mortified by that,” I said.
Daniel laughed softly.
“But even through having my preconceived notions of you, I felt something on that terrace. It’s like you actually saw me.
Someone most people look over. I couldn’t shake the way you looked at me or the way you made me feel out on that terrace.
It’s like you somehow crept into my mind without me knowing, and you stayed there. ”
“And you’ve stayed in mine,” said Daniel.
“I had a hard time believing that someone like me would be of any interest to you. I let everything I had read about you and everything I had seen about you tell me I wasn’t enough.”
“You are enough,” he started, but I put my hand up.
I had to get this out. He nodded and put his hands gently down at his sides, signaling he was listening.
“I’ve never had a real sense of confidence.
I never felt pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough.
It could be because of the relationship with my parents.
While my childhood was wonderful, when I moved out, it was a different story.
I felt like I could never keep up with the plan they had plotted out for me.
One I never wanted. When I chose a different path, they were more than willing to let me know it was the wrong one. ”
I realized this was really the first time I had shared anything this personal with Daniel.
My estranged relationship with my parents was something I didn’t open up about with anyone.
Besides Monica. I wondered if we had been this open and honest and deep from the beginning, if things would have played out differently.
But there was no sense in thinking about the would have, could have, should haves. We had this moment now.
“I feel like I’ve spent years trying to prove I was worthy enough in the choices I made in my life, and I never succeeded. Because of this, my self-esteem has been about this big,” I said as I held up two fingers and pinched them together, leaving a small sliver of space between them.
“I’ve seen the women you’ve been with. Beautiful, successful, thin. I let my intrusive thoughts and my own insecurities push you away because I didn’t feel worthy.”
I could tell he was restraining himself from saying something, but I continued.
“But I feel worthy now. I don’t know if it’s this pregnancy or meeting you or finding my true independence, but as hard as these past months have been, I’ve never felt stronger. I have my days…a lot of them, but at the end of the day I know I’m strong.”
It hadn’t really hit me until then just how strong I had grown. Yes, a lot of days I had been weepy and felt sorry for myself. But I had also done things I never thought I would.
I had stood up to my parents, once and for all, and gained my freedom from their judgments that had eaten away at me over the years. Not many people could do that, especially to family. The people who raised you.
I had stood up to my boss, who unfairly looked at a situation and judged me before even hearing what I had to say. I had worked for him for years and had been one of his top employees, yet I was rarely acknowledged for that. I deserved better and I made sure to tell him as much.
And then there was this pregnancy and all the ups and downs I had gone through.
All the appointments. The scary hospital visits that no one would ever want to take.
The building of furniture and preparation of my loft.
I had Monica through most of it all, but I knew she couldn’t be with me forever.
I knew in the end, I would be raising the baby by myself.
And I had come to terms with that. I was determined to be a good mother, despite the circumstances.
But as strong as I was, it didn’t mean I had to push away this man in front of me.
“I know I can do this on my own…” I started.
I could see Daniel’s face drop.
“But I don’t want to,” I finished.
His eyes lit up as quickly as they had just faltered. A small smile began to form on his lips.
“You mean…”
I nodded eagerly.
He took three quick steps toward me and pulled me into his arms, his hands wrapping around me as my body melted into his.
I had missed him so much. His steady breath.
His strong hands. His smell, a mixture of sandalwood and something sweet I couldn’t put my finger on.
I closed my eyes and breathed him in as the familiar electric current ran through me.
This was everything I had wanted, but would never admit to myself because of my stubborn pride. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion. And something else. I let out a breathy moan and pulled out of his embrace, keeling over.
“Heart?”
I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to pass.
“Heart, what is it?” asked Daniel worriedly, putting his hand on my back.
After a few more seconds the pain passed and I stood upright, blinking a few times as I tried to regain my bearings.
“I’m okay. I just…” I stopped.
I felt pressure between my legs and a bursting sensation, followed by the sound of water spilling on the floor.
“Oh, my God,” said Daniel, looking at me wide-eyed.
I looked at him and down to the floor where a puddle lay between my legs.
“My water…my water broke,” I said in disbelief.
“We have to get you to the hospital,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, no. It’s too soon. I’m not even eight months yet. It’s too soon,” I cried, my eyes watering as I clutched my stomach.
It felt like a shadow of doom passed over me as I stood, realizing what was happening. The baby was coming and there was no stopping it. I couldn’t naively refuse to go to the hospital out of disbelief that the timing was wrong. I knew I had to go.
This was all my fault. Everything I had put the baby through had finally had the most unfortunate consequence I had dreaded. I started sobbing as the guilt took over.
“This is all my fault,” I said, mostly to myself.
“Hey now. Don’t talk like that. No one knows how these things are going to go. Babies have their own timing and ours just wants to meet us sooner than later.”
Daniel pulled my hands from my stomach and gripped them tightly, pulling me to face him. His eyes were intent, but somehow calm. I found a fragment of relief in them.
“We have to go to the hospital now, okay?” he said, more as a statement than a question.
I nodded.
“I’m going to text Armand. He’s just down the street. He can take us.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Now, do you have a hospital bag packed?” he asked, the same steady calmness to his voice.
“Mhmm,” I said.
“Okay, let’s go get it,” he commanded as he typed a quick text on his phone.
He followed me into my apartment and I pointed next to my bed where my black duffel bag sat. It was the one Daniel had bought me and it was packed with all the essentials the baby books had recommended. He picked it up and slung it over his shoulder.
“You ready?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
I wondered how he could be so calm. I also wondered what I would have done if he wasn’t here. I would have been a hundred times more scared than I was now. I didn’t know if I could be doing this without him. What a stroke of luck that timing would bring him to me at this exact moment.
“Yes, I’m just going to change really quick,” I said as I walked into my closet.
I peeled off the soaked shorts and took off my shirt and underwear before slipping on a fresh pair of underwear and a roomy dress over my head. I remembered something I read, so I ran to the bathroom quickly and put on a maxi-pad and grabbed a towel. Apparently, I was going to keep leaking.
“Okay, ready,” I said.
He grabbed my hand gently and we quickly walked out of the apartment and down the stairs. Edna’s door was open.
“Edna,” I called, knowing this would make her day. “It’s happening!”
I heard her slippers move quickly across the wood floor and saw her peep her head out. Her eyes bulged when she saw me and she clapped her hands excitedly together.
“Oh, my stars!”
“Wish me luck,” I said with a wink.
She gave me a warm smile and I swear I saw tears forming in her eyes. I didn’t have time to make sure because another wave of pain came over me, causing me to bend over again. They were contractions. More painful than anything I had ever felt. They put the Braxton Hicks to shame.
“I’m going to start timing your contractions,” said Daniel, pulling out his phone.
He waited for me to stand upright before placing his hand on my lower back and leading me to the door. He nodded to Edna, who watched us go.
Outside on the curb was Armand, who stood by the car with the back passenger door open. He looked nervous, but excited.
“Heart, it’s good to see you,” he said as he took my hand and helped me into the car, Daniel bringing up the rear.
“Good to see you too, Armand,” I said breathlessly.
He closed the door behind us and jogged to the front of the car, slipping quickly into the driver’s seat. I told him which hospital and he peeled away from the curb, faster than he ever had before.