Chapter 23
Tanner
Present day
She won’t meet my eyes. She keeps on looking out across the lake, then over to the house that she’s staying in, but as soon as I duck down to try and capture her attention she’s blinking down at those pretty sandals, bottom lip trembling dangerously.
But she hasn’t walked away from me. I haven’t lost her yet.
We breathe quietly in a deep unsteady silence, the fall of the rain the only constant as it pelts off the lake. The drops create small sparkling rivers as they trickle over Aisling’s skin, the most beautiful shade of gold against the backdrop of the dark thunderous clouds.
I rake a hand through my hair and push it back off of my forehead, the action briefly capturing Aisling’s attention before she quickly drops her eyes back to the water.
“Aisling,” I begin, my voice low but softer than it usually is, because I want to comfort her in this moment of vulnerability in a way that I never comfort anyone.
I tentatively lift a hand so that I can position it beneath her chin, not touching her soft skin but feeling the warmth radiating out of her nonetheless. The action encourages her to lift her head and meet my eyes, and what I see in her wary gaze drives an arrow straight through my heart.
“I’m so sorry, Aisling,” I tell her, my hand hovering over her shoulder before I wince and drop it completely, not sure where the line is right now. When it comes to breaking the touch barrier I need her to give me the green light first. “I… I can’t imagine how that must have felt.”
If I’d woken up next to Aisling that morning and found her phone littered with texts from guys, or if my teammates were talking about her like that in our group chat, I would have been pissed the hell off – the only difference is that I would have been pissed off with them , not her. But I can see it from her point of view and, in this instance, after having a whole squad of chicks talking smack about me to her, I understand why she shut me out.
They made me out to be the heartless player.
And it’s not even a miscommunication. It’s the truth. That is the guy that I was in high school – it’s just not the guy who I wanted to be going into college.
It’s not the guy I would have been with her.
Because if Aisling had given me a chance, the past four years would have been completely different.
Aisling’s frown is quivering, making my own brow crease, hands dying to wrap themselves around her shoulders and comfort her.
“It was silly,” she whispers, looking away from me when I shake my head. “It was… literally just a one night stand. I made it into this huge thing in my head but I think, at the end of the day, maybe it was just what we refused to call it the night before.”
The cords in my throat tighten and I roll out my shoulders as they begin to swell.
“No.” I swipe my tongue over my lower lip, refusing to let her lie to herself like this. “It was never like that. What your friends texted you the morning after… that’s what everyone wanted me to be. It’s not who I was.”
She breathes out a quiet, sarcastic laugh, rolling her eyes to try and keep the mood light. “What, so it would have all been fine if I hadn’t found out about your reputation?”
She gives me a sad, almost forgiving smile and it hurts in a way that no glare ever could.
She swallows and swipes at the rain hammering against her forehead, blinking away from me as her cheeks turn red.
“I was upset with what I saw, but I wasn’t just sad about losing you, or the idea of who I thought you were,” she says. “I was mad with myself because I was supposed to be turning a new leaf. I know about how hard it is to break a reputation and I thought that starting college would be my fresh start. I wouldn’t have to be this icy heartbreaker anymore who only messed around with guys who were these big, brawny players. I didn’t want to fall for the bad boy, because I didn’t want to be the bad girl anymore. I didn’t want a guy whose phone was blowing up every five seconds. I wanted the kind of small town sweetheart that a big city heiress never had the chance of meeting before.” She takes a long shaky breath and adds on in a little whisper, “I wanted the guy that I thought you were before I knew who you really are.”
My chest feels hard as steel, rigid and unmoving as she hits me with blow after blow.
She was sad about losing me before we had even had a chance to start.
I drag my palm down my jaw, scraping my stubble over my skin.
“Realising that I’d just made the same mistake that I always did was kind of the wake up call that I needed – to put all of this, like, delusional ‘hopeless romantic’ stuff out of my mind and be the same girl who I’ve always been.” She does this self- depreciating smile as she lifts her hands to make air-quotes, and a tiny dimple pops in her cheek. “The ‘bad girl’,” she says with a playful roll of her eyes, half-laughing, half-sighing as she drops her hands back to her sides.
I shake my head and step closer to her, begging her to touch me as I gently crowd her space.
“It doesn’t have to be like that. Not anymore, Aisling.”
I duck my head so that she has nowhere to look except straight in my eyes.
“You said it yourself – it’s hard to break a reputation – and the reputation that I made for myself at high school followed me straight to Carter U.”
I roll my shoulders uncomfortably, my chest feeling tight as I bare myself to her.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve.
“I fucked around a lot at high school. I didn’t have relationships. It was just sex, nothing emotional. But that doesn’t mean that I never intended to fall in love with someone. My parents had that instant-love type of thing and I just” – I shake more rain from my hair, then shove it back with my hand – “I knew that I’d be the same. Fall once, fall hard, and don’t get back up. It’s goddamn hereditary. And I knew the second that I saw you that I wouldn’t want anyone else.”
She shakes her head as she frowns down at her sandals but her twiddling fingers clutch tightly around the drawstring of my shorts.
Yes. I instantly wrap one of my forearms around her lower back, tugging her closer, and envelop my other hand around one of her biceps, caressing her gently as her eyes meet mine.
“Those texts?” I rumble, my voice hoarse and gruff. “They were bullshit. We were – what? – one week into our freshman year? Those chicks didn’t know me and I had no fuckin’ interest in knowing them.”
I breathe out a humourless laugh, still in disbelief over the story Aisling just enlightened me to.
“I really liked you, Aisling, and I thought that you liked me too. Liked me for something other than being a good fuck.”
I frown at the thought and now I’m the one who can’t meet her eyes, chest pumping rapidly as I stare at the rainfall slashing through the water’s surface.
Aisling senses the sting in my chest.
“I did like you, Tanner. But you have to understand how bad it freaking sucked to have fallen asleep thinking that you were some, like, small town cutie, and woken up to realise that every girl on campus was lining up at your front door.”
“I wouldn’t have opened that door to them, Aisling. I only wanted you.” My gaze collides with hers and a peal of thunder ripples threateningly beyond the mountain.
“I… get really nervous talking through my feelings like this,” she whispers. “I hate the vulnerability that comes with putting my heart on my sleeve.”
I slide my hand to that tiny heart-shaped freckle just beneath her elbow and give it a small caress with the large pad of my thumb.
“I know,” I murmur. “But you never have to do it alone. I’m here with you, and I’m putting my heart on my sleeve too.”
I offer her the briefest hint of a smile before swiping a hand down my chest to rid myself of the rain clinging to my pecs.
“Did you really wait for me?” she asks suddenly, brow arched as tears shimmer in her beautiful eyes.
I almost laugh as I tug her closer, the soft fabric of her dress rubbing up against the muscles of my abdomen.
“Check that secret cell phone you’ve got stashed away,” I tell her, unable to resist towering over her as her palms scrunch the fabric of my soaked shorts in her fists. “How many goddamn months I spent trying to get you on dates that you never fucking turned up at. You remember those messages? You remember the fucking flowers I would leave outside the condo doors?”
She winces and shakes her head, and I stroke my fingers through her hair, stopping it from falling forward and hiding her beautiful face.
I did wait for Aisling, for most of my freshman year. But after all those months I knew that I had to take the hint. She wasn’t interested, so I had to move on.
Didn’t stop me from implementing a self-imposed no sex rule during my entire senior year though. Because even though she had a boyfriend at the time, I knew that Aisling and I had some seriously unfinished business.
“I was just... I was protecting myself,” she says, her whisper frantic as she searches my eyes.
“I know.”
I nod down at her and tangle my fingers in her soft, dark waves.
“I’m glad that you did. I’m glad that you put yourself first. And I can see it from your side and I know how fucking terrible it looked. But I would never do anything to hurt you, Aisling – that predestined lifestyle that the chicks at Carter U had set up for me was the goddamn opposite of what I wanted. I met you, and I wanted to keep you.” I give the back of her neck a gentle squeeze. “End of story.”
“Tanner…” she says warily, eyes wide as I hold her firmly against me in the rain.
“It was always you.” I stroke her jaw. “That’s something that you’ll never need to question.”
I move my hand from the back of her neck so that I can gently shield her face from the downpour with my palm, earning a wet little laugh from her as a stray tear streaks down her cheek.
“No crying,” I tell her, leaning down to quickly kiss it away. Her chest shudders against mine as my lips meet her skin, and it takes every ounce of strength that I have to pull myself back from her. To resist finally claiming her mouth with mine.
“I didn’t want to fall for you,” she whispers, a concerned shimmer in her eyes.
“You didn’t want to fall for the asshole that your friends were talking about. But you already fell for the real me, Aisling – the version that’s there for you and only you. You want that quiet small town life? I can give you that. You know that, Aisling – that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”
She gives me a dry look, pouting a little.
“You’re about to become a famous hockey player. I hardly think that a quiet small town life is in the cards for you right now.”
She is absolutely not finding another way to wiggle back out of my life again.
“Okay, look. Yeah, the NHL’s a big deal, but how many players’ private lives do you know about?”
I raise my eyebrows at her as she frowns and purses her lips. I hide my smirk. Got her.
“See? It’s not one of those… showy sports, baby. Some of the guys might be like that, especially when they’re crazy famous, but with guys like me – guys like Hunter and Caden and all of the other guys from Carter U who plan on going pro – we’re just doing the sport. Playing the game, making some money, and then at the end of the day wanting nothing more than to get back to our girl.”
I brush my thumb over her soft cheek and feel my chest swell with satisfaction as she relaxes against me.
My voice is low and quiet as I tease, “Now stop trying to make up obstacles and tell me that I can make you mine.”
She scowls up at me from under the palm that I’ve got shielding her perfect face from the rain. My eyes drop down to her dress and I watch the downpour begin to turn the soft pink fabric wet and translucent.
My jaw muscles flex.
She’s not wearing a bra.
She finally releases a shaky exhale and whispers, “I’m tired of fighting.”
Rainwater slaps relentlessly against the muscles of my back as I nod my head and murmur, “I know.”
Those tired little arms find the strength to pull me closer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, eyes squeezed shut and her cheek pressed over my heart. She fits against me so perfectly that I can’t help but squeeze her tighter in the cage of my biceps.
“Don’t be sorry. You put yourself first and that will never be the wrong decision.”
“But I hurt you. I pushed you away.”
I stroke a knuckle over the tip of her nose as she peeks up at me, all sad and guilty. I shrug a shoulder.
“I came back, didn’t I?” I offer her a genuine smile, dimples pulling taut as I look down at her. “So you couldn’t have pushed me away that well.”
Aisling gasps and then shoves me in the chest with her warm hands. “It’s too soon to joke about,” she mumbles, looking up at me with those enormous eyes, and I grin as I keep her in place, fucking obsessed with how adorable she is.
“Are we going to try and put the past behind us now?” I ask her gently, smiling as a raindrop bats against her collarbone because it gives me an excuse to caress it away with the pads of my fingers. “Are we going to try and move forward, and not let anyone get in our way?”
She swallows shallowly, her eyes wide and unsure as she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip. “But I was… really harsh on you. For a really long time.”
I shake my head, smiling as I murmur, “Yeah, you were so mean. I still really liked you, though.”
Her hands slide down over my pecs and the long muscle in my shorts begins thickening.
I steel my jaw as I force my eyes to not roll back into my head.
“I’m being serious, Tanner. Four years… that’s, like, a really long time. How could you ever look past that? How could you ever forgive–?”
My lips meet hers and the whole world goes quiet.
I hunch low so that I can reach her and hold her firmly in place, my forearm around her lower back keeping her body pushed up against mine. The surprised flutter of her beautiful lashes touch softly against my skin before her whole body relaxes and she stands up on her tip-toes, helping me reach her.
I squeeze my palm gently around her shoulder before using my forearm to haul her up, a nervous gasp leaving her lips as I lift her off the ground. I can’t help but smile against her mouth as her feet dangle above the darkening dirt and she tightens her arms around my neck, pulling herself up even higher so she can more easily reach my mouth.
The kiss is soft and chaste but neither of us can bring ourselves to end it, making it grow hungrier, deeper, my tongue sweeping against the soft seam of her lips. Her arms lock tighter around my shoulders and I tug her hips closer as she whimpers.
“Is this okay–?” I begin asking, my voice deep and rough, but Aisling shuts me up with another kiss, making me smirk as she silently answers my question.
I slide my fingers up into her hair, allowing my thumb to sweep low so that I can caress her perfect jaw, and I gently tilt her head backwards so that I can kiss her more intimately.
When I lick my tongue over the sweet curve of her lips she parts them with a shaky inhale, eyes fluttering open as she waits for me to kiss her deeper.
I roll my shoulders, eyes on her mouth as my breathing gets heavier. “Can I–?”
She nods adamantly. “Yes.”
“Okay.”
And then I’m heaving her roughly up my chest and crushing my mouth back down on hers, groaning as I slant her open. She falls limp in my arms, her fingers squeezing desperately against the swollen muscles of my chest, and a satisfied rumble courses up my throat as I get that first gentle stroke of her tongue.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper, biting back another groan as she tentatively tries to lick my tongue with hers. I deepen my strokes, keeping them slow but firm, and then press a couple hard kisses against her lips before pulling back to look down at her.
I carefully rub my palm up her flushed cheek, swiping away the rain before sheltering her stunning eyes with my hand once more. I gently nudge her nose with the tip of mine before leaning in for another kiss.
My fingers push through the rich waves of her hair, rain droplets running down her curls and thumping against my face as I lift her above me. Her breathing is erratic and her eyes are wild, bright and sparkling with fresh-faced innocence even as her hands belie darker needs. Her right hand rubs a firm caress over my heart, while her other hand travels lower, slipping between our bodies until she can finally stroke–
“Ash, Ash, Ash,” I choke out quickly, grabbing her left wrist and hauling it back around my shoulder. “We can’t. Not yet. I rushed it with you once before and I’m not making that move again. I have to take my time with you – you have to know that you really want this before we… before you let me…”
She presses a kiss against my lips and I let the sentence end without finishing it.
The pelting rain slaps against our cheeks and down our shoulders, the repetitive whip of the downpour making our movements turn frantic and untamed. I hold her tighter against my body as I turn to trudge toward the lake house, knocking my quad against the hard porch railing as I try to manoeuvre us up the steps.
“Fuck,” I grunt, reluctantly pulling away from her mouth so that I can briefly watch where I’m going. A soft laugh tinkles out of her and it’s enough to fully recapture my attention, making me take her jaw in my palm and press another hungry kiss against her lips.
“You’re so beautiful,” I murmur as we finally make it to the sheltered landing, hauling one of her thighs up around my waist as I thrust her against the wood panelling.
“I’m wearing them,” she whispers breathlessly as I press my forehead down against hers, my hands squeezing every inch of her as they roam over her body.
“Wearing what?” I rasp, dipping low so that I can kiss her throat.
“The panties,” she whispers, “I’m wearing the panties that you bought for me.”
My eyes flash to hers.
And my whole brain goes offline.
“You… you’re wearing…” My voice becomes painfully deep, making Aisling suck in a shaky inhale. My eyes drop to where my groin is pushed right up against hers and I swipe my tongue over my lower lip, my pupils dialling out.
I clear my throat hard, my chest heaving in double time.
“Which…” I shake my head, trying to clear it, barely able to string a sentence together at the thought of what I’ll see when I finally lift up the hem of Aisling’s drenched sundress.
“Which ones?” I finally manage to rumble out, my palm hitching her thigh higher, desperate to see what she’s hinting at. “Which panties?”
She strokes her thumb over my heart as she whispers, “Your favourite ones.”
An exhale whooshes out of me in a rush and I drop my forehead to hers, breathing hard.
“Khaki?” I ask hoarsely, my voice low and pleading.
She nods against me. I close my eyes and grunt.
“I bet you look so fuckin’ beautiful in them,” I rasp, bunching up the sides of her dress in my fists and scrunching the fabric, rainwater gushing between my fingers. Aisling arches her neck back and presses up onto her tiptoes, giving me access to claim her mouth again, a rough sound coursing through my chest as I slip my tongue back inside.
The downpour ricochets through the emerald canopy of trees surrounding the secluded side patio of the lake house, drowning out Aisling’s delicate gasps as I slide my tongue in deeper.
Her palms squeeze desperately at the ridges of my rain-slicked chest, and I release my hold on one side of her sundress, roaming up towards the string strap slipping over her shoulder.
I stroke my tongue against hers, slow and firm, as I gently push the strap down her arm, sliding my hand back up so that I can feel the soft curve that I’ve just bared.
“Tanner,” she gasps, making me drop my forehead to the curve of her throat. My hand massages her roughly as she rubs up against me.
I suck a kiss against the side of her neck as my hand begins squeezing her harder, and her hands get lost in my hair, tugging hard enough to make me grunt.
I nuzzle firmly in the warm curve of her neck, my other hand finally bunching her dress up to her hip so that two of my digits can slip their way beneath the side of her panties.
I shove two fingers under the band, grunting as her breathing hitches in her throat. I tug the fabric once, twice, testing how tight it is before slowly sliding the backs of my knuckles against her skin, rubbing her firmly as I make my way to her little heat.
Her fingers reach for my jaw and I open my eyes as she grips at my stubble.
In less than a second my mouth dips back down to hers, caressing her lips with mine as my fingers finally meet her warmth.
“I wanna see you,” I start to murmur, my voice like gravel as Aisling moans, but suddenly tires are crunching down the path behind us and I’m quickly shoving my body in front of Aisling’s.
“Shit,” I rasp, breathing heavily as I stare down into Aisling’s eyes, before I finally glance at the dirt path leading to the cabins on the other side of the water.
I clench my fingers tightly around the fabric of Aisling’s panties, knowing that we have to pause this for now.
I give her one more gentle nudge with my knuckles before reluctantly tearing my fist from her underwear, trying to get my breathing under control at the realisation that the guys are clearly coming back from their morning to afternoon session at the rink.
I swallow hard and keep my eyes averted as I tug Aisling’s shoulder string back into place, and then I’m gripping my hands around her hips and shoving her quickly around to the back porch. Once I’ve got her out of view and up against the side of the wall I tuck my fingers into her hair, dipping down to kiss her again.
“Are the guys back?” she asks me, eyebrows arched in need and confusion.
I nod, kissing her again. “Yeah,” I murmur, thumb rubbing up her jaw. Then I’m sighing and resting my forehead against hers, knowing that our private sanctuary is now temporarily interrupted. “Where does, uh… where does this leave us?” I ask her, my shoulders heaving with every breath.
I know exactly where I want this perfect moment to leave us – with Aisling letting me take her to the other side of the lake and telling all of those fuckers that she’s officially my girlfriend – but I also know that Aisling has spent years trying to fight this feeling between us, not wanting to be with a guy who everyone knows fucks around. She’s going to want to be a million percent sure about her own feelings before telling anyone that she’s thinking of giving me the time of day.
She drops her eyes and pouts, a tiny crease forming between her perfect brows.
“You know where this leaves us,” she mumbles, as I tuck my fingers under her chin.
“Enlighten me, baby,” I rumble. I can hear the guys laughing and dismounting on the other side of the lake.
I slide my thick fingers through hers, locking our hands together.
“Okay,” she breathes. “Well, we can’t have anyone… you know… know . Yet.”
I shove my tongue in my cheek, eyes burning down into hers. “Know what exactly?”
Say the words, baby. Say that we’re a couple.
“We can’t have anyone know that we’re thinking of maybe… potentially… rekindling… something,” she finishes raspily, eyes all big and earnest as she looks deep into mine.
I mean, they’re not exactly the concrete fucking betrothal vows I was after, but it’s a start.
I drop one of her hands so that I can quickly rub at the back of my neck, grinning at that affronted expression she pulls when she looks down at her now-empty hand.
I chuckle and leash my fingers back through hers, hunching low so that I can apologise for her one second of not having her hand held by giving her another gentle kiss.
“Kinda hurting my feelings, Ash,” I murmur, a dimple popping in my cheek when she flashes me her vicious scowl. “Being treated like a dirty little secret.”
Her eyes flicker to the drawstring of my shorts before she quickly blinks away.
She does a tiny cough.
“I wouldn’t exactly say little ,” she whispers, and I’m instantly grinning, gripping her frowny little face in my palm and crushing rough kisses all over those cheruby cheeks.
“More compliments please,” I rumble, chuckling quietly as she can’t help but smile at my tease.
“Fine,” I finally murmur as I reluctantly stand to my full height, smoothing my palms over her rain-drenched hair. “If you want, we can keep this thing a secret for now. Until you’re sure” – please God let her be sure – “that this is the right decision.”
That I’m the right decision .
I can hear the guys calling my name into the woods on the other side of the lake, thinking that I’m trekking through the forest like a werewolf or something.
I smirk at the thought and then look back down at Aisling.
“We’re taking it slow,” I reaffirm, cupping my hands around the nape of her neck.
She nods her head at me, eyes all pupil and unblinking.
I swipe my tongue over my lower lip before hunching down to kiss her again.
Now that we’ve started, I don’t want to stop.
“Can I sneak around the lake when everyone heads to bed and cuddle up with you?” I murmur, leashing one of my forearms around her lower back so that I can press her right up against me.
“People will see,” she whispers.
I shake my head, kissing her harder. “I’ll go through the woods. No-one’ll know.”
“But Connell–”
Okay, I’ll admit it, I kind of like Connell. Mainly because he’s as easygoing as I am and, if I didn’t have such a heartless reputation, I think that he wouldn’t mind me dating Aisling. But as it is, he probably doesn’t love the idea of my campus-renowned dick going anywhere near his baby sister.
Probably a good job that he doesn’t know it already has.
I squeeze my palms gently down her throat.
“Okay. But if you change your mind you can text me back for the first time in four years, and I’ll climb your fucking balcony just to get my arms around you.”
She ducks her head and smiles, pretty as hell. I hunch lower so that I can take in the full force of it.
“You’re the prettiest girl ever, you know that?” I tell her, pressing a kiss against her cheek as she preens and shimmers with happiness. “I gotta go see the guys, okay? Find out if they’re planning on renting out the rink again for the rest of the weekend.”
Aisling nods, fingers still toying tentatively with my drawstring. I smirk and shove a hand through my hair.
Go on, baby. Take a peek.
But she resists her feelings and places her hands back over my shoulders.
“I’ll help you finish this place up,” I tell her when she meets my eyes again. I mean, I’m pretty sure that she’s just ordered another five-figure bed that she could use a helping hand with.
“No way,” she breathes, but I just give her a knowing smile.
I’m going to be doing a hell of a lot of screwing inside those walls pretty soon.
“Sure,” I laugh, giving her a final rough kiss, before pulling away from her and stepping back.
I glance over my shoulder, taking in the porch railing behind me. If I jump that thing then I can walk through the edge of the larch forest to make my way back to the cabins, meaning that the guys currently over there won’t know that I was just over here – keeping what’s happening between Aisling and me a secret for now.
I trudge to the railing and lay my hands flat over the wood, heaving my body upwards so that I can get my legs over the panel and jump the drop.
Aisling rushes forward with a squeak as I thud quietly to the forest floor.
“Jesus,” I mumble, feeling about seven million twigs impale the soles of my feet. When I look up into her panicked eyes as she leans over the edge of the porch rim, I flash her an easy grin and reach up to squeeze her hands with mine.
“If I head to the rink with the guys tomorrow will you come?” I ask her, lacing our fingers together. Her brow arches, overwhelmed and unsure.
“Uh, maybe,” she says, “but I still need to–”
“There’s plenty time to get the interior job done, Ash,” I assure her, before giving her another squeeze and finally letting go of her cool fingers. I run my palm over my hair, pushing it back off my forehead as the rain thumps heavily down on me from the deep green canopy.
“I’ll come and get you in the morning,” I tell her, smiling even as she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip. “And secret or not,” I say as I walk backwards, away from the lake house and into the forest, “if I get you on the ice, there’s no goddamn way that I’m not skating with you tomorrow.”
She rests her chin on her palms and tries to hide her smile with her fingers.
“See you, big shot,” she whispers, giggling when that name makes me smirk and raise my eyebrows.
I shake the rain from my hair and give her a once-over.
“See you, Ash.”