Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT HAVING A BABY?
H olden
She’s pregnant.
The second she walked into the room I knew there was something wrong. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her body, her skin pale. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she had something she needed to say. But never in my wildest dreams did I think she would announce that she’s pregnant.
Fuck. Pregnant. Briar is pregnant.
I walk into the kitchen and reach above the fridge for the liquor cabinet, grabbing a bottle of whiskey.
Briar ran for the bathroom holding her stomach after she dropped the proverbial bomb on me. When I followed her down the hall to see if I could help her, she slammed the door in my face and told me she was fine. Then I heard the sounds of her vomiting into the toilet.
Rather than stand there and listen to her heave, I walked to the kitchen to give her some privacy, deciding I needed a drink. Or ten.
Dammit. How could she be pregnant? We used a condom. We took precautions. We did what we were supposed to do.
Briar’s confession is still ringing in my ears when I chug back the tumbler of alcohol and let it burn its way down the length of my throat. I finish every last drop before refilling the glass and throwing it back again.
What the fuck am I going to do? I have no clue, but what I do know is that the whiskey is going to numb this throbbing pain in my brain. But then I remember Briar is in my bathroom having to deal with this alone.
I might not want to be a dad, but I’m not an asshole and I’m not going to just leave her to shoulder this by herself.
So, I walk back to the bathroom door, feeling unsteady as I go. I’m not sure if it’s from the whiskey or the fact that Briar is pregnant with my child.
Fuck. There’s that word again. That word. Pregnant.
How long has she known? It’s been around four weeks since that night together. I know this because I’ve counted the weeks off on my calendar like some lovesick idiot. Four weeks of trying to forget one of the best nights of my life.
Does she think about that night too? Does she lie awake every night trying to forget how good we were together like I do? How perfectly we fit, how good her skin felt against mine. The truth is there’s no way I could ever forget. I hope she hasn’t forgotten either.
But does she regret it now that she is having my baby? That’s assuming she wants to have the baby. What would I do if she doesn’t? What do I do if she does?
Fuck. Is this actually happening?
A baby.
What do I know about having a baby?
I don’t even want kids. How am I going to be a dad?
I knock on the door .
“Holden, I’m fine. Go away.”
I slowly nudge open the door anyway. Briar is wiping her face with a washcloth, so I take another from the cabinet, run it under the tap and wipe the back of her neck with it.
“I told you to go away.” She squeezes her eyes shut as she’s holding her stomach.
“I’m not going away, as much as you might like me to,” I tell her, running the cool cloth over her shoulders. She leans into my touch.
Briar is resilient and strong, so it’s hard to see her like this. Her green eyes are pleading, and I realize that what she needs right now is support, not a million questions.
“You don’t need to do that but thank you. That feels good.”
“I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” I say to her back before my eyes meet hers in the mirror.
“I haven’t known for long,” she says, as if reading my mind. “I just took the test.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. For the past few weeks, practically all I’ve thought about is wanting to be back in Briar’s life. To be somebody to her. To mean something to the girl who walked into my life and changed me. But I never would have imagined that this would be the thing that would get us talking to each other again. Not a fucking chance.
“I haven’t been with anyone but you,” she says, and I nod my head knowing it’s true. We live together. I know she’s been here every night. Besides that, I trust her.
“I know. For what it’s worth, neither have I.”
I don’t know why I just said that, but something in me wanted her to know so I hold Briar’s gaze in the mirror silently telling her that it meant something to me. I need her to know that night was special .
But what happens next?
There is no way she is going through this alone. I’ll be there for her in any way I can. She would want that, wouldn’t she? Would she want more?
There is something there between us. I feel it every time I’m in the same room with her. She must feel it too. We have chemistry. It’s palpable.
And now we’re having a baby.
“I’d like to keep this between us… at least until we confirm it with a doctor.” She looks down at the sink, her face going even paler.
“I guess that’s probably smart. That’s fine by me.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs. “I think I feel a bit better. I’m going to sit on the back porch and get some fresh air.”
I nod, taking a step backwards so she can squeeze her way past me. Once she’s down the hall, I lean forward on the bathroom counter.
Shit. What do I do now?
After taking a deep breath, I find my way to the kitchen, grab two water bottles from the fridge and crackers for Briar then I pour another glass of whiskey for me. After I’ve downed it, I bring the water and saltine crackers outside to Briar. She’s sitting on a porch chair, her hair tied up in a messy bun on her head, her legs stretched out and propped up on the chair across from her.
“I got you water and crackers to help with the nausea.” I lift her feet off the chair and sit down then put her feet in my lap. If she’s uncomfortable at all with me touching her, she doesn’t show it.
“Holden, I’m fine. Really. I don’t need all this attention.”
I rub the base of her ankle and notice the tears that are gathering in her eyes. My heart cracks in two. “I brought you water and a few crackers, Briar. It’s hardly attention. ”
“Well, it’s more attention than I’ve shown you in weeks.”
“I haven’t been any better,” I admit, watching her lift a hand to wipe away a tear that slips from her dark eyelashes and down her cheek.
“Don’t cry, Bee,” I gently squeeze her ankle. “We’ll figure it out.”
I watch her bottom lip quiver as another tear falls, and it kills me. I move her legs off my lap then grab the arms of her chair and pull her closer to me so she’s locked in between my parted thighs. I cup her face in my palms, my thumbs wiping away the wetness marking her pretty face.
“Please don’t cry, Briar,” I say to her. “You’re not alone in this. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” I kiss her forehead. “I will support you, whatever you decide, I will be here for you.”
Mentally I have no idea what this looks like, but right now my priority is making Briar feel safe. We can figure everything out later.
I move my hands to her thighs when her tears are dry.
“You’re pregnant,” I say, unsure if I say it out loud for her or myself.
“I’m not sure I’ve processed it yet,” she sniffles.
“Me neither,” I admit.
Briar is quiet for a moment, and I wish like hell I knew what she is thinking. Then her gaze drops to my hands on her thighs. “Holden we never should have stopped talking.”
“I agree,” I answer her.
“Let’s not ever do that again.”
I give her a sad smile as she sniffles again. “Okay.”
We stare at each other for a long beat. She looks sad. Even worse, she looks scared. I wish I knew what I could say to her to make her feel better.
I tuck a few whisps of her hair that have come loose behind her ear, just wanting to touch her. I’ll take any excuse to feel the softness of her skin again. Being this close to her I can see the sparkling gold flecks in her green eyes, smell the scent of her shampoo. When my fingertips graze the shell of her ear, her eyes flick to mine.
“Holden, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“I know. I didn’t either. I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” she murmurs.
I exhale a breath, then pull her onto my lap, my hand at the back of her head. She rests her cheek against my shoulder, and I hold her, never wanting to let her go. And as crazy as it sounds, I know it’s going to be okay. I know we can get through this together. “Briar, tell me what you’re thinking. Say anything.”
She keeps her face against my shoulder. “I don’t know what to say, but I know I want this baby. I won’t abandon this baby like my dad did to me.”
My heart aches for her. If I could have one wish, it would be that she never had to go through that. I’ve never seen a child in my future, I’m not even sure I can picture it now. I need time to get there, but what I do know is that I want whatever Briar wants and if she wants to have this baby, then I will get there and that’s what we will do.
“I want this baby too… with you.”
She lifts her head from my shoulder. “You do?”
“I do.”
All the air rushes from her lungs as she leans against my chest again, burying her face in my neck. I wrap her in my arms, kiss the top of her head and rub her back. Three weeks ago, I would have been ecstatic to have her back in my arms, but I never would have thought it would be because she is pregnant with my baby.
“I’m nervous. ”
“We both are,” I whisper. “But it’s going to be okay.”
It has to be okay; I’ll make sure of it. I’ll talk to my mom. She’ll know what to do, she always does. I sure as fuck have no idea what happens next. So, I’ll take Briar to the doctor, confirm the news, and then we’ll talk to my mom. I feel the tightness in my chest start to ease now that I have a plan. At least for now.
“We’ll take it one day at a time. First thing is to make an appointment with your doctor.”
Briar sits up in my lap, shifts back to her chair. “I’ll call today.”
“I’d like to come with you if that’s okay.”
She untwists her hair out of the knot on her head then redoes it. She has a little more color in her face. I’m guessing that’s the way it’s going to be for the next nine months. Good days and hard days, but I’ll be here to get her through it. She should probably give up her lease and stay here with me. It would be better if I was around to help her, but that doesn’t need to be decided today. We have three or four weeks until her apartment will be ready for her to move into.
“That would be good,” she nods.
I’m relieved that she chose not to argue with me about it like she tends to do about everything. Despite everything, I am happy we’re talking, that we’re getting along again. Things between us haven’t been the same since we slept together. Do I have regrets that we had sex? Not for a second. Even if this is where we’ve ended up.
“Do you want to stay out here a little longer or can I take you for… oh, I guess I shouldn’t take you for ice cream,” I say, hoping to make her smile. When the corners of her mouth tip up, I consider it a win. “How about the bakery?”
“Sure,” she says, taking a cracker from the plate.
I stand up, looking down at her. “Briar? ”
She stands too, her eyes narrowing in concern. “Yeah?”
“Promise me you’ll keep talking to me. Don’t shut me out. You promise?”
“Holden,” she pleads. “I hated that we stopped talking. I hated every minute of it.”
“You didn’t answer my question, Bee.” I cup the back of her head, pulling her into my chest. Her arms snake around my waist. I kiss the top of her head. “Promise me you’ll talk to me.”
“I promise.”