Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
AN ATTITUDE LARGER THAN THE SIZE OF CANADA
H olden
I’ve known about today’s appointment for a week but I’m still not sure I’m ready for the doctor to walk in. I’m pretty sure Briar feels the same way. She’s sitting on the exam table, wringing her hands in her lap and staring at something invisible on the wall in front of her.
It feels surreal. The moment the doctor confirms what we already know, it will make this all real. We’ll have a due date when we walk out of here.
God, this is really happening.
My chest feels tight like there’s a 1,000-pound weight resting on it. Honestly, the thought of becoming a dad terrifies the fuck out of me. I don’t have a clue what it takes to care for a baby. I’m man enough to admit that I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life. But when push comes to shove, I always figure my shit out, and I will step up and take care of both Briar and our baby. I would never want my child to question whether their dad loves them.
Briar’s hesitant eyes land on mine, and she smiles at me shakily. The woman is so effortlessly pretty it makes me want to kiss that small smile right off her lips. Since I found out that she’s pregnant, I feel so fucking possessive over her. I worry about making sure she’s safe, making sure that nothing bad happens to her or the baby. I have this overwhelming feeling in my chest that makes me want to protect her.
“Say something, Holden. The waiting is driving me insane.” Briar looks over at me from where she’s sitting on the exam table.
“Did you know they say you can tell if it’s a boy or a girl by the heartbeat. If it’s high, it’s a girl and if it’s low it’s a boy.”
Briar’s eyes widen. “Who’s they? And how on God’s green earth do you know that, Holden?”
I shrug a shoulder. “I was googling about pregnancy and babies on the internet. Oh, and I downloaded this cool app I wanted to show you.”
I think her jaw actually hits the floor. “You were researching about parenting?” She says it like it’s the most absurd thing she’s ever heard.
“Is that surprising?”
“Well, yeah, a little. What else did you learn?”
“The baby is probably the size of a large bean right now.”
Briar’s eyes turn glassy right before she looks down at her stomach and places a hand on it. Her lower lip trembles. Fuck, I wish I could ease her mind. I wish I knew what to say. I hate that we’re about to meet the doctor who will bring our baby into the world, and I am nothing but… Briar’s friend? Fake boyfriend? Both feel all wrong. What I really want is for Briar to be mine.
Her cautious eyes meet mine. “I know this a lot for you, Holden. It feels the same way for me too. But thank you for being here with me. I know this would be a lot scarier if I was doing it alone”
Well, damn . There’s a sincerity in her voice that calms my racing pulse. She wants me here with her. Even though I am still trying to wrap my mind around being a father, I’m grateful she is giving me this chance to be involved.
“I wouldn’t miss this. Not for anything. Thank you for allowing me to be here.”
“This is just as much your baby as it is mine, Holden.”
I nod right as the doctor walks in, a woman who looks like she’s in her forties and introduces herself to us as Dr. St. Claire. She extends a hand for Briar to shake before turning her attention to me. I wipe my clammy hands on my jeans.
“You must be Dad?”
Dad. That’s the first time anyone has referred to me as that. I’m left momentarily speechless before I gather my thoughts, shake her hand and nod.
I pride myself on being cool even in the most chaotic circumstances, but right now I am a bundle of nerves. For god’s sake, get it together, Holden.
“I understand you took a positive home pregnancy test,” the doctor says, taking a seat at the end of the exam table with a comforting expression on her face. “How are you feeling, Briar?”
Briar relaxes slightly. “Very nauseous but I’ve only vomited a few times in the last couple of weeks. Other than that, just a little tired.”
“All very normal.” Dr. St. Claire smiles before standing and removing a blood pressure cuff from where it is kept on the wall. “I’m going to do a few tests then we’ll have a look at the baby.”
Briar slips off the light sweater she’s wearing and hands it to me before Dr. St. Clair takes her blood pressure, then her temperature. She asks Briar a few questions and then asks her to lie back on the exam bed. Briar’s eyes flick to the ceiling when she tells her she is going to need to insert a wand inside of her to see the baby.
“Is this your first baby?” she asks, slipping on a pair of latex gloves.
“Yes, for both of us,” Briar answers, turning her head so she’s looking at me, fear and anticipation swimming in her eyes. “If we both seem a little nervous, that’s probably why.”
“Also perfectly normal. Most first-time parents are a little nervous. I’m happy to answer any question you have.” The doctor has a wand in one hand and a bottle of gel in the other. “This might be a little uncomfortable.” She squeezes a clear gel on the wand before slipping it inside of Briar. After pressing a few buttons on her keyboard, a fuzzy gray image fills the screen. The doctor explains what she is looking for, but my attention shifts to Briar as she reaches for my hand. I lace my hand in hers before looking at the fuzzy image with a dark circle. Within the image is a small, bean-shaped baby.
“There is your baby.” The doctor points to the screen. “And that flicker right there is your baby’s heartbeat.” Briar exhales a long sigh of relief, her eyes glued to the screen. I lean closer to Briar so I can get a better view of our baby— the baby I made with Bee. That’s our tiny miracle. The internet was right. It looks like a little bean, but it is our little bean, and it has a heartbeat. Briar gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. This is good news. She is just as relieved as I am. I notice the tears welling in the corners of her eyes. It’s surreal, such a gift to see a life growing inside her.
“Let’s see if we can hear the heartbeat. Sometimes it’s too early,” the doctor says before a click of a few buttons. Within seconds there’s a steady whooshing sound that fills the quiet room.
“Your baby’s heart rate is 150 beats per minute,” she says after a moment. “Completely normal.”
It’s a boy. From what I read online, 150 is on the lower side and that means the chances are higher that it’s a boy. I look down at Briar, who is still smiling at the image of our baby on the screen.
“You’re measuring eight weeks along, and baby looks great,” the doctor confirms. “It’s too early to tell if it’s a boy or a girl. If you want to, you can find that out at your mid-pregnancy ultrasound around 20 weeks or a blood test around 11 weeks. Until then, I’d like to see you once a month to monitor the baby. I’ll ask you to come in more frequently at around 31 weeks. Now, let’s find out when your baby is due.” A few seconds later, she gives us the due date: May 9 th .
She clicks a few buttons on her computer then removes the wand. She prints off a few photos before asking us if we have any questions before we leave.
“Is there anything that Briar shouldn’t do? Anything that isn’t safe for our baby?” I ask, feeling a little awkward.
“No raw fish or unpasteurized foods and limit your caffeine. Take your prenatal vitamins, eat a balanced diet, stay active. Most dads appreciate being reassured that having regular sex is fine. In fact, it is great for relieving stress. Near the end it can also help induce labor. Briar, you may also find that you have an increased sex drive, so have all the sex you want.”
I file that information away as Dr. St. Claire shakes both of our hands and leaves the room. Briar and I exit the clinic a few minutes later.
“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” she asks.
“It’s a boy, I know it. ”
“Why do you think that?”
“You heard the heart rate. It was low and from everything I’ve read, that means it’s a boy.”
She shakes her head. “Well, I think it’s a girl.”
I laugh, not surprised in the least. Briar can’t resist an opportunity to challenge me. She’s cute as hell.
Since she moved in with me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I can’t imagine anyone else having this effect on me. Just the thought of any other guy touching her—especially with my baby inside of her—has me losing my mind. Now that she’s having our baby, I feel this strong sense of possession. I groan inwardly when I think about how badly I want to touch her, how it’s getting harder and harder to keep my hands to myself when I’m around her. My dick twitches in my pants. Fantastic. Now I’m going to be sitting next to her in my truck with a hard-on.
When I reach for the door handle on the passenger side of my truck, I can’t resist dipping my head into her neck until my lips are millimetres from the lobe of her ear. “You’re carrying my little slugger, Bee. I’d bet the damn house on it.”
Briar shivers, then covers up her response with a laugh. “So cocky for a guy with only a 50/50 chance of being right.”
I have her caged in against the door of my truck. When she turns around to face me, her cheeks are flushed. She looks happy. She’s beautiful. I could spend forever just looking at her.
It blows my mind. This woman walked into my life and turned it upside down, overwhelming me in the best way with her joy for life and spontaneity. Not to mention a mouth on her that drives me absolutely crazy. Every time she sasses me, I have to clench my jaw to stop myself from grabbing her by the neck and kissing her senseless. Stubborn, uninhibited and carefree. She has an attitude larger than the size of Canada. She has wrecked me in all the best ways.
But as good as we’ve been getting along lately, there’s a chance that’s as far as our relationship will go. I would be smart to remember that.
But I want her.
I want more.
My hand moves to the small of her back to help her into the cab of my truck.
“You realize I’m not as big as a house yet, right?” she asks. “I can get into your truck without your help.”
“This again?”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“Get in the truck. I’m taking you somewhere.” I reach for a loose strand of her hair, tugging on the tendril.
“Where are you taking me, Holden Banks?”
“You’ll see.” I round the truck and hop into the driver’s seat, then pull out of the parking lot. I steal a look at Briar, who has rolled her window halfway down and has her eyes closed as the warm breeze blows a few loose strands of hair around her face. She looks the most relaxed I’ve seen her in days.
She catches me staring and smiles, making my pulse beat a little faster, and I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road and not on her.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“Right now? Good. Ask me in an hour and it might be different,” she says.
“The doctor said it’s normal.”
“Doesn’t mean it’s any fun.”
Her phone buzzes and she looks at the screen then sighs before dropping it back into her lap.
“Everything okay? ”
“Yeah, it’s just my mom asking how my week has been. I feel guilty for not telling her.” She drops her face into her hands. “I’m worried how she’s going to take the news.”
I reach across the console, my hand sliding across the nape of her neck. Her muscles tense beneath my touch then begin to loosen as I rub the column of her neck with my thumb, back and forth, over and over.
“Are you worried she’s going to be upset?”
“No, that’s not it…. I’m just nervous. What if I disappointed her?”
“I doubt you could ever disappoint her, Briar. If you’re worried, we can FaceTime her and tell her together.”
She immediately shakes her head. “Thanks, Holden, it’s sweet of you to offer, but I think this is one conversation I need to have myself. I’m sure she is going to ask to meet you though.”
“Then I’ll meet her. I told you, Bee. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
She nods and we drive the rest of the way in silence until we arrive at a small Italian restaurant away from the bustle of the beach and Main Street. I know we can have dinner here without running into anyone we know.
Afterwards, we decide to go for a drive, neither of us ready to go back to Haven Harbor. Living in this little bubble we’ve been in all day, just the two of us, not having to deal with the outside world has felt good. I sense that she feels that way too. Just her and I… happy. Afraid, but definitely happy. Briar and I are in a good place; we’re getting along, and we both seem to have accepted the fact that we’re having a baby together. I’m not ready to have anyone burst our happy bubble.
“Are you blind? That is a plane, not a shooting star, Holden!” Briar smacks my thigh with the back of her hand where she’s lying next to me in the bed of my pick-up truck. “And you don’t make wishes on an airplane.”
“It’s definitely a shooting star. I don’t care what you say, Bee.”
She drapes her arm over her eyes, shaking her head. The sun set an hour ago, and the moon is high above us, casting a silvery glow over her face. A million stars light up the sky overhead.
After dinner, we drove north along the highway—stopping at a gas station so Briar could pee and we could load up on candy and chips—until we got to Lookout Point. Luckily, I had a blanket in the back of my truck and now Briar and I are lying side-by-side gazing at the stars. And possibly an airplane, but I’m not about to admit she’s right.
“You are ridiculous,” she says, lowering her arm to stare up at the sky again.
“Or maybe it’s a sign.”
She’s silent for a moment as her hand flattens over her belly. I’m pretty sure it’s a subconscious movement. “Yeah, I like that. Maybe it’s a sign. Let’s go with that, Holden.”
We both turn to look at one another. Her eyes, bright green oceans, are wide as they stare back at me. There’s a thick tension in the air between us, and the way her lips part as my eyes dip down to her mouth makes it harder and harder not to seal my lips to hers.
There’s nothing I want more than to kiss her. I want to roll her onto my chest, kiss the life out of her and make her fucking mine. Baby or not, that has nothing to do with it. My pulse races under my skin at the thought of being inside her again.
I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from pulling her to me; crossing that line will only make things more confusing. We just found out we’re having a baby together, we share a friend group, our lives are intertwined. Right now, things are good, we don’t need another reason to avoid each other. But still…
“Briar…” I say softly, hearing the frustration in my tone. “I want to kiss you right now more than I want air to breathe, but…”
“Holden…” she nods, scraping her teeth over her bottom lip. “I know. I just think we need to be careful. It’s not just us we have to think about now.”
I know that she’s right. The stakes are too high to risk messing this up. We’re finally talking again, we’re connecting. That will have to be enough. For now.
I reach across the bed of the truck and squeeze her hand. “Whatever you want, Bee.”
“It’s not what I want.”
“It isn’t?”
Wordless, she turns her head to look at me, leaving her hand in mine.
“Let’s take our time,” I say. “Get to know each other. For Slugger.”
Her gaze turns back to the sky, but my eyes never leave her. There are so many questions that I’m dying to know the answers to. The most important being … does she want more from me than just being her baby daddy?
All that will have to wait. For now, I stay lost in Briar Moore, on top of a bluff, in the back of my truck, until she’s asleep next to me, pressed into my side.