Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
KEEPING SECRETS
B riar
“Are you almost ready?” Holden hollers at me from the living room. “Not trying to rush you, but we need to get going.”
I’m in my bedroom, reapplying my lip gloss for the tenth time telling myself it’s going to be fine. In other words, I’m stalling. Tonight, we are going next door for dinner. It will be Jake and Ev, Grayson and Sierra, Tucker and Daisy, and Holden and me, and all of the kids. As excited as I am to be hanging out with friends, I’m worried that one of them will figure out that I am pregnant.
I don’t look pregnant; my body hasn’t changed a bit. But I’m nervous that I’ll have to explain why I’m not drinking, or why I’m yawning at 8:30 p.m. I’ve never been any good at keeping secrets.
I realize that it’s foolish to think we’ll be able to keep the pregnancy news from our friends for much longer, but I’m not ready just yet. Besides, Holden and I made a promise to one another that we would tell our parents before we tell anyone else. We’ve been dragging our feet on having that conversation knowing that once we do, life as we know it will never be the same.
“I’m ready,” I holler as I give Bear a scratch between her ears. “Mommy will be back soon, my beautiful girl, then we can cuddle all night long.”
I grab my purse and take one last look in the full-length mirror. The jeans that I squeezed into are tight, purposefully showing off my hips and ass for Holden. I paired the light denim with a spaghetti strap body suit that I’m also hoping he will like. I’m relieved to see that my skin looks a little less green now that the nausea that tormented me all day has passed. A bit of blush works wonders.
Holden is sitting on the couch watching a hockey game, looking entirely too handsome wearing a pair of perfectly faded jeans and a short-sleeved black T-shirt. His hair is tousled in a way that looks effortless even though I saw him running pomade through it in the bathroom. How any man can look this good in 10 minutes is a mystery to me.
Also a mystery: how I was able to keep my hands off him given the fact he was wearing nothing but a towel. My mouth literally watered seeing his sculpted abs and defined pecs, not to mention the soft trail of hair that disappeared into the towel at the V of his pelvis. I deserve a medal for keeping my hands to myself.
“You look hot as fuck,” he says, our eyes locking. I give him a small smile but inwardly I’m kicking my feet.
Holden is always telling me how beautiful I look and sometimes I’m not sure how to take it. I’m not used to getting compliments, especially from the men in my life. At first it made me feel weird, but I admit I’m starting to enjoy it.
Things have definitely changed between Holden and me. We’re walking a thin line between just friends and lust. I’m pretty sure he wants me just as much as I want him.
I sit down next to him to put on my shoes, my stomach in knots not from the nausea but because I’m a nervous wreck. Holden seems calm and cool—the exact opposite of how I feel.
“Tonight is going to be okay, Bee,” he says, reading my mind. “Stop worrying.”
“I know.” I shake my head, trying to ward off the anxiety. “I’m just the world’s worst liar. I’m worried someone will catch on to us. Specifically, I’m worried about Daisy. She knows me better than I know myself sometimes.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t told her.”
I blink. “Have you told the guys?”
“Well, no, but it’s killing me.”
“I guess one of us needs to be the courageous one. It’s definitely not going to be me.”
He slants his head to the side, glancing at me. “Do you really think our friends won’t be happy for us?”
“It’s not that. I know they will be once they’re over the shock. It’s just… the news is going to come out of left field, Holden. We aren’t even together.”
Holden looks upset, and it’s actually quite cute. This gorgeous, 6-foot-1, self-proclaimed bachelor looks flustered that… what? That he’s not in a relationship with his baby momma?
“No, we’re not together. Unless…” Holden looks at me like he has something up his sleeve.
“I thought we were getting to know each other?”
“I’m trying really fucking hard here,” he says. “It doesn’t help when you wear outfits like this.”
His words make my breath hitch. There he goes again, making my heart soar .
“I guess it’s a good thing that we’re late for dinner then. No time to tempt you. We should probably get moving.”
He groans and leans closer to me until I can feel his breath against my neck, making goosebumps erupt over my skin. “Or I can pick you up and carry you over to the kitchen counter and make you come on my face instead.”
Oh my effing god.
Holden is a confident dirty talker, and I admit it turns me on.
“Getting to know each other, remember?” My lips tip up in a teasing smile as I stand up from the couch. He stands up too.
“For Slugger.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and my world feels like it shifts on its axis. I haven’t allowed myself to think too much about what it will be like to share a baby with Holden. Up until now, the thought has been terrifying, but he has been doing and saying all the right things. He’s interested in our baby, the pregnancy, and making sure I’m feeling good. He seems to be too good to be true. “I’m doing this the right way for little Slugger.” I feel the sting of tears welling in the corners of my eyes. I’m blaming it on the hormones.
The truth is, I’m falling for Holden—falling so hard, even though I know I shouldn’t. My life is complicated enough, the last thing I need to do is fall in love with a man who wants none of the same things in life that I do… no matter how sweet and sexy he is. When it comes down to it, there is still a chance Holden will leave.
I try to block it all out as we cut across the lawn to Jake and Everly’s place. Jake greets us at the door with baby West on his hip, the sounds of laughter and the scent of barbecue hitting us as we walk through the door.
“Uncle Holdey!” Birdie’s face lights up when she spots him. She makes a beeline for the door in her polka-dot dress and sparkly, cat-eared headband. Holden catches her when she launches herself into his arms.
My skin erupts in goosebumps as I watch Holden’s face light up to match Birdie’s. Her tiny arms wrap tightly around his neck, and it makes my heart feel like it may soar right out of my chest. He looks so natural with a child; it makes me wonder how I could ever have doubted it.
Holden tickles Birdie under her chin before setting her down and straightening her headband. “How’s my favorite girl today?”
“Ready to play soccer with you.” She holds out her tiny hand to Holden. “Dad bought me a Manchester United soccer ball. I can’t wait to show you.”
“He did, did he?” Then he’s pulled away by the sweetest little girl, glancing over his shoulder at me as they go. He winks. I wave. Then I need to inhale a deep breath to even out my erratic heartbeat. That… that was something. Heat warms my core and my thighs press together. Get a hold of yourself, Briar.
I manage to pull it together when Daisy finds me, squeezing me to her in a tight hug. I spend the next 30 minutes pretending to sip from the glass of wine that Everly hands me while making small talk in the kitchen with the girls. From my seat at the kitchen table I have a clear view through the patio doors of Holden, who is outside with Jake, Grayson, and Tucker. Our eyes seem to find one another’s every few minutes and every time they do, my stomach gets that fluttery feeling.
Holden is nothing like I thought. He’s sweet and thoughtful. Ever since I told him about the baby, he’s been by my side. At this point, I’m not sure I can control myself around him any longer; my need for him is growing much too strong to deny myself.
“Can you take West for a second?” Everly asks, interrupting my thoughts. “I need to get his dinner ready.”
She hands me the cutest little guy on the planet, who settles happily into my arms. He giggles as Daisy and Sienna take turns tickling him, and the sound of it melts me.
Loved. This little boy is loved beyond measure.
Love is something my little girl—or boy, if you ask Holden—will have in abundance. I may not know much about being a parent, but I know that for sure. This baby will be loved by Holden and me, by grandparents, aunts and uncles, and this circle of friends. Our chosen family.
Tears threaten to fall at the realization that Holden and I aren’t going to be doing this alone.
As Everly slices strawberries, I look at West, his tiny nose, bright eyes and little grin showing off all four of his teeth.
It won’t be long before I’m holding my own little one. Will our baby’s hair be dark like Holden’s or blonde like mine? Will he have his dad’s emerald eyes or my lighter green ones? I inhale West’s sweet baby scent, imagining holding my own little one in less than eight months.
I look up when I hear the patio door slide open, and see Holden standing in the doorway, a small smile on his face as he watches me. Chills tingle up my spine when he comes to stand next to me and then leans down to whisper against my ear, “Suits you, Bee. You look even more beautiful with a baby in your hands.”
Holden’s hand rests on the small of my back, his chest so close to my shoulder I can feel the warmth of his skin seeping through his T-shirt into my skin.
“Behave,” I warn in a whisper, glancing around the room. “They’re going to think there’s something going on between us.”
“Well, isn’t there?”
I tilt my head to the side, one eyebrow raised. My god. This man. I’m pretty sure I just whimpered. I bite down on my bottom lip to try to ease the lust simmering under my skin.
A smug smile raises the corners of his lips. He kisses the top of West’s little head and walks back outside, leaving me wishing I could kiss that smirk off his face.
I’m not sure what just happened, but I’m pretty sure today changed everything.
Holden drives with one hand on the steering wheel, the other resting out the open window. He’s wearing a pair of black Ray-Bans and a backwards baseball hat, the entire look making me ache between my thighs. He’s confident and laid back and has a natural sex appeal that I am so attracted to.
We’re driving home from the veterinarian’s office with Bear in the back seat in her condo—aka her pet carrier. She has been sick and lethargic for the last couple of days and when she wasn’t getting any better, I decided to make an appointment. Holden offered to come with me, knowing I’m a bit of a mess. Turns out she ate one of my hair elastics that needed to be brought back up. The procedure took an hour. She’s already looking more like herself.
I’m so glad Holden was there. For a guy who hates cats (and is deathly allergic to them), he stepped in and took charge. Carried Bear’s crate, talked to the vet, asked all the right questions, and held my hand in the waiting room. It meant a lot to me.
My phone rings in my lap, distracting me from my thoughts. It’s a FaceTime call from my mom.
“It’s my mom,” I tell Holden.
“I think you should answer it, Bee. We need to start telling people before you start to show.”
He’s right. I’ve put this off for far too long.
His eyes hold mine, urging me on to answer the call. Another moment passes with my heart in my throat until I decide I need to have this conversation. I scrub a hand over my face, muttering a curse word to myself before finally hitting accept on the screen.
“Hi Mom.”
Holden gives me a nod of encouragement, then he reaches his hand across the console, placing it on my thigh.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Mom.” I shake my head. “I’m fine.”
Not even a second into the phone call and she can already tell I’m not myself. That’s my mom. She has always had a strong intuition with her kids, apparently even through a screen from 10,000 miles away.
“I haven’t talked to you in two weeks. I wanted to see your face. You look beautiful as always, but a little pale. Are you feeling okay?”
Holden pulls into his driveway and turns off the engine. We both get out of the car, but I motion to him that I’m going to walk across the street to the beach. I draw in a deep breath, inhaling the ocean air saturated with salt and seaweed. My favorite smell.
I sigh, sitting down in the sand. “I’ve been a little under the weather, Mom, but not for reasons that you probably think… I’m pregnant. ”
There. I said it. I wait, my heart in my throat.
Mom’s jaw drops. “Oh my god.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s how I felt when I found out too.”
“How far along?”
“Ten weeks. The baby is Holden’s and before you ask… no, we’re not together but he wants to be in both of our lives.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” she nods. “Have you been to the doctor?”
I tell her about the appointment as well as my upcoming ultrasound where we’re going to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I watch my mom’s eyes fill with tears.
‘Mom, you’re crying.” My chest aches.
“Of course I am.” She pats the tears from her cheeks. “My baby is having a baby. I’m going to be a grandma. It’s a wonderful thing.”
I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. My mom and I have always been close. I’ve never wanted to disappoint her. I was nervous to tell her, but I feel so grateful that she’s embracing the news. I should have known she would. She’s always been supportive and accepting of me.
“You’re the first person we’ve told. We’re going to tell Holden’s moms and dad this week.”
“Holden’s moms?”
I nod. “His mom and dad are divorced, and his mom remarried a woman. They are all so nice. You would really like them.”
Her eyes well again. “I hope they take good care of you, sweetheart. I wish I was there to help. It takes a village to raise a child. It breaks my heart that I’m so far away.”
“I wish you were here too, Mom. You know you’re my best friend. ”
She swallows hard, wiping her eyes again with her fingertips. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.”
“Can I tell Grandma and Grandpa and your brother?”
“Yeah, you can. Do you think Grandpa will be disappointed?” I ask nervously, looking out at the ocean.
“Never, honey. A baby is a blessing. He’s going to be happy for you! We are all going to want to meet Holden, though. Maybe we could arrange a time to FaceTime?”
“Yeah, he wants to meet you too.”
After ending the call with my mom, I walk back home feeling like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Holden is waiting for me on the porch with Bear in his hands. He looks so good in a navy T-shirt, his ball cap turned around so that I can see the nervous look in his piercing green eyes.
“Holden, you are going to itch all night if you don’t put her back in her condo,” I say, sitting down next to him.
“I can handle it. What I couldn’t handle was listening to her cry in there. Poor thing had a rough day.” He massages the white patch of fur between her ears before looking at me again. “You okay?”
I sigh. “I’m good.”
“Did you tell her about the baby?”
“I did. She cried… happy tears.”
A smile tugs at his mouth, which I want to kiss. Without thought, without worry, and with every fiber of my being.
He slips a big, strong arm around me pulling me into his side. “It’s all going to be okay.” He grins, his eyes sparkling as the sun sets over the beach, and nothing has ever felt this good or this right.
I just wish he would hurry up and make a move on me.