10. Chapter 10
Onyx
W ith Theo's quick departure, I was awake much earlier than I thought I would be. But the odds of being able to go back to sleep were against me, so I got up. I shaved, missing my HRT days when the hair came in more slowly and I didn’t have to do it as often. I’d been lucky not to have a lot of body hair to start with, and had taken measures to keep my chest and torso smooth, especially once my breast buds came in. Shaving my face, I could deal with, though, and it was worth the tradeoff.
Deciding what to wear, I went for my rattiest sweatshirt and pants. They weren't the cutest, but they were my comfort outfit. My fingers worked my hair into a loose braid, and I bypassed makeup for the day, going for minimal effort and cozy vibes.
My notebook was still sitting on the bedside table. I grabbed it and my phone and headed to the kitchen, desperately in need of coffee. Seeing the coffee mug and milk on the counter waiting for me brought a smile to my face. Even if things had taken a much different direction than I expected this morning, it didn't stop him from being thoughtful.
I would be lying if I said it didn't sting a little to have him rush off without telling me what was bothering him so much, but I tried to put myself in his shoes. I was his first since losing his wife, and in truth, I had no idea what those shoes were like. I had to trust that he would share when he was ready. Not that he owed me anything—he didn’t. Hell, I owed him a lot more with all he'd done for me. Yesterday, I promised him I would handle the groceries in place of paying him to stay, so at least I could start there.
Once I drank my coffee and had a little more brain capacity, I did a quick inventory of what Theo had on hand. I didn't want to bother him to ask for a ride or to borrow his truck, so I ordered online and opted to have it delivered. Instacart and I had become well-acquainted, especially after I went viral. It simply became a lot easier to order groceries than to walk around a store and hope I didn't get ambushed.
As I waited for someone to pick up the job, I eyed my keyboard, still in its case on the table. It hadn't moved or been opened since I arrived days ago. I’d been entirely too distracted, but my fingers itched to stretch and play the keys. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing Theo disappeared. I really needed to focus on what I came here to do: make music.
I unzipped the bag and pulled out my keyboard. My heart did a little dance at the sight of it. My parents had me take piano lessons at an early age and I loved it. When I discovered the different effects I could create on the keyboard I practiced on in my room, it unlocked something deep inside me. Words and sounds poured out of me and began to weave themselves together.
Sitting at the end of the table, I opened my notebook and played the riff from my notes. Hearing it sounded out and not just in my head brought the lyrics I'd written to life. My eyes closed and nothing else mattered as it began to paint a picture. Whittling, carving, revealing the secrets within.
I was in the zone. Time ceased to exist when my full focus was turned to composing and writing music. The world fell away and the only things I saw were the keys before me and the words that strung themselves together. The song was coming together faster than anything I’d been able to write since before the tour. It was hard to explain how much I needed this. It was a need I felt deep within me. An ache that sat there in my chest, stirring an urge to do something .
The ache had subsided with the distraction and fun I’d had with Theo, but it was fully relieved when putting my fingers on the blacks and whites, making me feel like I was soaring high. This feeling was exactly what I hoped to achieve by escaping away from the city, the noise, the expectations, and, of course, social media. This forced separation from my life was what I needed. It didn’t hurt that I’d had a hell of an orgasm the night before, either. What a fun, unexpected bonus to this trip.
Hours passed as I sat alone in the cabin, working. I was feeling pretty solid on my first song and even had a few notes and thoughts toward a second one. I’d completely forgotten about the grocery order until I got a notification, letting me know my delivery was only a few minutes away. Closing my notebook and powering down my keyboard, I stood and stretched. My stomach grumbled, making me realize I hadn’t eaten anything. I forgot to bring snacks to the table with me, and coffee only went so far, but it was hard to interrupt the process when I was locked in. I so rarely had the opportunity to get lost in time like this back home. So I might have been starving, but at least I felt accomplished.
I walked outside, just in time to see a van driving up the long driveway. Waving to them, I directed them toward the cabin. After they parked, the barn door flew open, and Theo ran out of it. His eyes locked on me and his expression was full of shock and hurt. He hurried across the driveway, stopping a few feet away. He ran his hand over his beard.
The driver was climbing out of the van, but stopped himself, watching us warily. Theo looked distraught and my heart squeezed tight.
“Are you... leaving?” Theo asked carefully.
Shit! I probably should have let him know someone would be coming. I didn’t even think about it. I stepped closer to Theo and offered a gentle smile. “No. I just ordered groceries so we wouldn’t have to go back out. You’re stuck with me, Theodore. At least for the next few weeks.”
The relief was tangible, and he threw his arms around me in a tight hug. “I thought you were upset with me.”
My hands gripped his sides as that same soaring feeling I got from writing swept through me. He might have been distant this morning, but his worry at the idea of me leaving was incredibly sweet. “Oh, no, Theo. I would never just leave without talking to you, but we’re good.”
Theo let out a heavy sigh. “Good. I want you to stay.”
He stood back and straightened, noticing the delivery driver watching us with interest. The young man gave an awkward wave. “Hi, Mr. Wilkins. Wow, this is a great place you have. I always wondered who lived up this hill.”
I bit my lip, trying not to laugh at the blush climbing Theo’s cheeks. I forgot it was such a small town, so of course, they knew who Theo was. He scrubbed his beard once more, clearly uncomfortable. “Uh, thank you.”
Trying not to laugh at his expense, I patted him on the chest. “Well, since you're here, you can make yourself useful and help bring in the groceries.”
Theo nodded, looking relieved at having a task and getting out of this conversation. He proceeded to do the manliest thing and carried as many bags as he could. Though I suspected it had more to do with not having to return and face the young man again. There were only two things left, which I was able to grab easily.
“Thank you so much. I'll be sure to give you a good rating and a big tip.” I gave the young man a wink and went inside. As the van drove off, I walked to the kitchen, where Theo was already putting food away.
Since I wasn't as familiar with his system, I handed things to him and he put them where he saw fit. We worked in silence, our movements like a dance, as though this was something we'd done a hundred times. It was only when we were nearly finished, Theo finally spoke.
He held a bag of frozen pizza rolls in his hand, trying to figure out where it would fit in the now very full freezer. I saved him the trouble by snatching it away from him and starting the oven.
“You didn't have to get all of this.”
“I told you I would, especially since you won't let me pay you for letting me stay here. Besides, I tend to get caught up in my work and need quick and easy things to snack on or I forget to eat.”
Theo met my eye and gave me a crooked smile. “I'm the same way... getting caught up with work, I mean.”
I shrugged. “It’s easy to do.”
Theo let out a heavy exhale and looked me over. “I'm sorry.”
My brows pinched together. “For what?”
He sucked on his teeth. “For, well, overreacting.”
Stepping closer to him, I rubbed my hand over his arm. “I get it, it’s fine. I should have told you I placed an order. I imagine you don't get too many people stopping by at random.”
“I don't, but that's not what I meant. Well, that too, I suppose. I was worried when I heard the car and thought you were leaving. I didn't... want you to go, especially not without telling you I'm sorry for how I left this morning.”
I placed my hand on his cheek and brushed my lips against his in a light kiss. “You don't have to apologize, Theodore. A lot has happened in a short time, and I know it's been a challenge for you. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything. We can slow things down as much as you'd like, or it can be a one-off, and we can simply be friends. Whatever you need.”
I could easily see myself falling for the man, and perhaps I'd already started to, but if he wasn't ready for anything more than friendship, I would accept it and keep my hands to myself. I hadn’t been through what he had, and he was the only one who would know what he could handle.
Theo reached out and lifted the end of my braid, and I watched as his fingers played in the strands. “I don't think I want it to be a one-off, but it might be good to slow things down a little.”
My heart pitter-pattered, knowing he was interested enough to possibly pursue something between us, that I wasn't being friend-zoned by the hottest, sweetest mountain man in existence. “I can work with that. I'll follow your lead, and we can go as slow as you need to.”
“Well... I may need you to give me a nudge now and then.” Theo's cheeks pinked behind his salt-and-pepper beard, looking so adorable.
“Okay. I'll follow from ahead of you. Like a cat.” I winked.
A rich laugh rumbled out of him. “Purrr-fect.”
I snorted at the unexpected tease. He was so serious or uncertain most of the time, it was fun to see a playful side to him. “First things first. Food.”
We ate pizza rolls and shared light conversation. He told me about some of the wild custom furniture builds he'd done back in his carpenter days, and I shared some of my adventures from my tour. It was nice. Really nice. And knowing where things stood between us made it easier to move past the weirdness of the abrupt morning.
When we were done, Theo got up to head back out to the barn, which was fine, because I wanted to get back to work, too. As he was passing by me, he stopped and lifted my braid again. His eyes roamed over me and that crooked grin appeared. “You look really nice, Onyx.”
I looked down to see my worn, faded sweats. I was as dressed down as I could possibly get, and I wasn't even wearing any makeup. It was much more of a masc look than what I usually opted for, but sometimes you just wanted comfort. “I doubt that but thank you.”
“No. You do. You look relaxed, like you feel comfortable enough to make yourself at home, and that makes me... damn happy to see.”
Theo bent down and kissed my forehead in a particularly endearing move. A smile stretched my lips when Theo walked away. I loved dressing up, expressing myself more femme, but sometimes it was nice to just simply be without any effort. Knowing Theo saw me like this and it didn't change the way he looked at me, enhanced it even, made my heart take flight. To be seen and wanted for all that I am was what I wanted most in the world.
Riding high on all the warm fuzzies he left me with, I opened my notebook, turned on my keyboard, and began to write a tooth-achingly sweet song with a fun flutter of sound to accompany it. Maybe it was all the endorphins, but I thought it was good. Hell, it could even be a big summer bop. Needing a second opinion before I got too carried away, I messaged my brother.
Me: I think I'm onto something
Jude: Oh, hey! Look at that, you're alive.
Me: Shit, sorry. I meant to check in, but I've been... busy.
Jude: How busy could you be if you're alone in the mountains?
Well... fuck! I probably should have filled him in sooner.
Me: Yeah... about that...
Jude: Seriously, Nyxie? It's been less than a week and you already met someone? I thought you were meant to be in isolation, or else I could have gone with you. I would love a vacation in the mountains, just saying.
Me: Well... I didn't seek it out. He just sorta... came with the house. (shrug emoji)
Jude: What? Like a rent boy? Oh, God, if it's a sex thing, I don't want to know.
Me: It's not NOT a sex thing (winky emoji)
Jude: SMH
I bit my lip and realized it was time to tell my brother what happened, embarrassing though it was. But he should know about the situation and who I was with.
Me: It's... complicated. His name is Theo, the cabin is his home. There was a mix-up with the cabin rental, but he has been generous enough to let me stay, and he's a total gentleman.
Instead of a text in response, my phone rang. I let out a sigh and answered. “Hi, Jude.”
“Okay, what happened, exactly ? And are you safe?” The worry in my brother's voice was precisely what I hoped to avoid, but I couldn't. Jude should know, anyway, it was the smart thing to do. So I told him everything. Well... not everything , certainly not how we frotted the night away.
“Shit, Nyxie. You should have called me right away. I would have come out and helped you. Anything could have happened.”
“I know. I was just mortified at having been scammed. Besides, I still know all the moves you taught me. I could have handled myself.” Sure, I'd had a moment of panic, but eventually my instincts would have kicked in... I hoped. When we were young, Jude made sure I knew how to protect myself. And it didn't hurt that I had a trunk full of stabby heels I could have weaponized.
“So this stranger is letting you stay in his house. He's not forcing you to do anything, is he? Like expecting certain things in exchange for the room?”
I wasn’t ready to tell Jude there was no room, only one bed, which we shared. He didn't need to know that much. “It's nothing like that, I swear. Theo is genuinely kind and isn't expecting anything from me.”
Jude exhaled loudly. “So, you and he are... what? Dating?”
“Hmm... I don't know if we can label it yet. It’s too soon for that, but we're... taking steps together and seeing what happens. Anyway , that wasn't what I messaged you about. I have one song almost finished and I think it's special.”
“You wrote a whole song already?” Jude's tone perked up.
“Well... two, actually. Okay, the second one isn't complete yet, but I think I hit something really good with it. Like I could totally see it taking off in the summer.”
“Okay. Let me hear it.”
I put the phone on speaker and set it on the table. Looking over my notes quickly, I began, smiling my way through it. When I was done with the partial song, I picked up my phone again. “Well?”
“Super catchy. Very bubblegum-poppy vibe. I could see it being used by a bunch of TikTokers, especially if you put some dance moves to it.”
I got all excited again, practically bouncing in my chair. “So it's not just me? I don't want to get too ahead of myself.”
“No. It’s not just you. It's a little different from your usual stuff, but... yeah, it's got a hook to it for sure.”
I may have squealed... a little. My usual stuff was pop with an edge or a message, and this was... not that. “ Eeep . Thank you. Okay, now I’m all pumped up and want to keep playing with it.”
“All right. You do that. Don't overthink or over-edit it. It sounds pretty good as is.” Jude had always been my biggest supporter and the person I bounced ideas off. He knew I could get too in my head if I wasn't careful, and editing too much was the easiest way to kill a song.
“Yes. I’m going to let the music guide me and trust the journey. Thank you for letting me talk it out with you. I'll check in again soon.” I was hyped and ready to dive back in.
I was about to hang up when Jude said quickly, “Wait, Onyx. Tell me one thing.”
“Sure. What's up?”
When Jude spoke, his tone was soft. “Does that Theo guy have anything to do with this song?”
A huge grin broke out on my face at the memory of that tender forehead kiss. Forehead kisses were highly underrated. A sweet gesture like that could turn even the deathiest of death metal into bubblegum pop.
I sighed dreamily. “It’s how he makes me feel.”
“That's... really nice to hear. You be safe, though, and call if you need me, okay?”
“I will, Jude. I promise. Love you, bro.”
“Love you, too, sib.”
I hung up, feeling all gooey over my mountain man, but also relieved that Jude now knew about the whole thing and he could relax, knowing I wasn’t out here all by myself. Well, it was a comforting thought to me, at least, considering the man I had to keep me company. Even if he was tucked away in his barn.
Theo didn't come back into the house until dinnertime, which had worked out pretty well, and I was feeling really good about all the progress I was able to make. We fixed an easy meal together, finding a rhythm that felt so completely natural; as natural as the song I’d written on paper.
He didn't have a lot to say at dinner, but then he'd spoken volumes earlier both in actions and words, and it was okay. It was surprisingly nice not feeling like every second had to be filled and we could simply share each other’s company. Theo had such a calming presence, which balanced the hyper-writing mode I’d been in earlier. Though no matter how calm I felt with him, I couldn't stop the way my heart kicked up every time I caught him staring at me.
Later, when we were getting ready for bed, I opted for a more comfy set of pajamas instead of something I knew would tease him, like my strategically selected nightie had yesterday—which had the exact effect I’d been hoping for. Not tonight, though. Tonight was a step back, or maybe a side step, because there was still a sense of intimacy between us, but one that didn’t feel as if it would combust into flames. The burner was set to very low, just enough so the flame wouldn’t go out, but wasn't at risk of boiling over.
When I climbed into bed beside him, Theo leaned over and brushed his thumb over my cheek before kissing me softly. “Goodnight, Onyx.”
I sighed happily. “Goodnight, Theodore.”
And that was that. No steamy make-out session, no grunting, groaning, or sounds of passion, and yet, my heart felt so full. Theo's hand found mine under the blanket, and he pulled it up to rest over his heart, closing his fingers around mine. Yup, I was definitely falling for this man.
The next few days were all very much the same. Most of our time was spent apart, each of us working on our own projects, but when we were together, there were gentle touches, sweet kisses, holding hands, and catching his eyes tracking me. If he kept this up, I was in danger of turning into a sappy love song writer.
We might have started out hotter before slowing things down, but I was loving this phase. This thing between us felt like young puppy love, focusing on the heart rather than the heat. It was new and sweet and gooey, and yet... it felt bigger, too.