Chapter 16
A lex
Late November
As we left the hospital, I received a text from my mom saying she was at my house with the kids. They wanted to sleep in their own beds, and I don’t blame them. So much of their time over the last five years was spent at my parents’ house, due to my deployments. Honestly, looking back, I should have requested a discharge right after Sara was killed. I should have been here for them. But some part of my mind thought that a ‘new normal’ meant going back to my job.
“Arianna dropped a bag of my things off at your house,” Natalie says quietly.
“Good.”
“Are you sure this is okay? I don’t want to upset your kids.”
“We’ll explain what happened when we get home.” I’m taken aback at how normal it sounds to refer to my house as Natalie’s home, but I shake off the feeling. I’m too tired to process that.
“How honest are you with them? Do you want to sugarcoat anything?” she asks.
“No. I try not to be extremely blunt, but I also don’t skirt around issues. Life is hard. They’re going to be challenged often. Bad things happen. I want them to be ready when lightning strikes instead of frozen with shock.”
“Well, if either of them wants to discuss how the baby got in me, I’m telling them to ask you.”
“What, you don’t want to tell them you needed the old C in the V?” I ask dryly.
Natalie groans, covering her face with her hands. “Oh God. I forgot that’s what I said. Any chance you can erase that from your memory?”
“Not a chance, Sunflower.”
I hear a very feminine growl emanate from the passenger seat, and I fail to hide my snicker. “At least tell me why you insist on calling me that.”
“Nope.” I’m not completely sure why I do, honestly. Just that she’s this bright spot that seems to stand above the crowd, no matter how much I try to ignore her. I’m pulled to Natalie, whether I want to be or not.
Once home, Natalie awkwardly waits for me to walk inside. My mom sits at my kitchen table, reading a book. When she looks up, she smiles warmly, then stands to give Natalie a hug. “How are you feeling, girasole ?”
Woah. Now my mom is calling her sunflower?
“What does that mean?” Natalie asks, her brow furrowing in confusion.
“Nothing,” I blurt out. “I’ll walk you out, Mom. Wait here, Nat, and I’ll show you to your room.”
I grab Mom’s arm, pulling her toward the garage. I hear her chuckling behind me. “Slow down, angiolo !”
“I need to get you outta here before you get into more trouble,” I mutter.
“What? I think girasole fits her perfectly.”
“You know that’s what I call her, Mom.”
She stops abruptly. “You call her girasole ?”
“No, I call her Sunflower. Which you knew.”
Mom adamantly shakes her head. “No, I promise you, I didn’t know. Natalie has always seemed like a sunflower. Larger than life. She makes me smile when I see her. I think she makes a great opposite for you, the whole yin and yang thing.”
“She’s not anything for me, Mom,” I say defensively. “There’s nothing going on with her. ”
“I know, I know. Let me rephrase. I think she’ll be an excellent woman to raise a child with, regardless of the circumstances. She’ll be a good role model for Abigail.”
“Abbie doesn’t need a role model.” Mom’s eyes darken when the irritation is obvious in my tone. A light snow has started again, snowflakes dancing around us as she ducks into her car to start it.
“She needs someone who isn’t related to us, angiolo . A woman she can objectively ask questions to. The teenage years are incredibly challenging, and I’m sure she assumes anything she talks about with me or your sisters will end up getting back to you. We aren’t objective at all.”
“Why? If Sara were still alive, she wouldn’t be objective.”
“It’s very different when it’s your own mother, Alessio.”
I sigh, reaching up to grip the back of my neck. When my mother uses my full name, I know she’s about to get crabby. “I don’t want to talk about this, Mom.”
“At some point, you need to address your feelings. You’ve refused to talk to me and your father, and you’ve only opened up to Dominic a few times. We’re worried about you, Alex. I feel like you’re digging a hole to bury yourself in, and I don’t know how to pull you out of it.”
I tip my head up, watching the snowflakes slowly scatter across my face. “I don’t know how I got here, Mom. This isn’t how I thought life would end up.”
Her hand softly grabs my forearm, squeezing it gently. “I know some of this is about Sara, but are other things bothering you? I think this is the unhappiest I’ve ever seen you.”
I struggle to maintain my composure as I think about what I want to say. How I hate the police job. How I don’t have a clue what I want to do if I quit. How I’m worried I’m going to be a shit parent for this new baby because I was gone so much when Ben and Abbie were little. How I’m finding myself feeling lonely, but then I’m overtaken by a wave of guilt so severe that I want to crumble to the ground. Suffice it to say, I’m fucking miserable.
“Alex,” Mom whispers. Opening my eyes, I look down at her. With a kind expression on her face, she says, “Have lunch with me next week, and we’ll talk. Just you and me. We’ll figure out little ways to give you some happiness.”
I give her a chagrined nod, thinking there’s no way I can bounce out of this life I’ve settled into, when her hand finds mine. I feel her slide something against my palm. “Don’t look at it now, but just think about it. He comes highly recommended.”
As I watch Mom’s tail lights disappear into the snow, I look at what she gave me. I can’t help the chuckle.
It’s a therapist’s business card.
Seeing an email at the bottom, I decide to email the guy immediately. What’s the worst that can happen? I fire off a quick message asking him to let me know if he’s accepting new patients, then head back inside, assuming I’ll find Natalie standing in the kitchen, undoubtedly too self-conscious to explore my home.
I definitely don’t expect to find Abbie and Natalie talking on the couch, their heads tilted toward one another as Abbie peppers Natalie with questions.
“What was my dad like as a kid?”
“I rarely interacted with him. By the time I was brave enough to say hello, he was already with your mom.”
Did you —“ Abbie starts, then clears her throat before continuing. “Did you like my dad back then?”
“I think I had a teenage crush on him. But even then, it was obvious he only had eyes for your mom.”
“I wish we had more time with her,” Abbie says wistfully. “Not that I’m trying to push you out of the picture or anything.”
“I know what you mean. You miss your mom. You miss your life as it was then. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must all be for you.”
“It’s weird, you know? My grandmother and aunts want me to confide in them, but it feels off. Like they’re trying to take my mom’s place. I know they aren’t, but I don’t want to talk to them. Makes me feel like I’m cheating on my mom somehow.”
“How do you think your mom would feel? Would she hope you’d confide in your aunts?” Natalie asks, her voice even and controlled. What an odd conversation to have, yet she’s handling it like a pro.
Abbie sighs in her normal tween angsty sounds. “She’d want me to have someone. She’d probably yell at me for not talking to my aunts. She’d understand me not wanting to talk to Nani. Nani’s like old, you know? She won’t get what is going on in my life.”
“Which aunt do you think you have the closest relationship with? Who understands you the best?” Natalie inquires.
“Hmm,” Abbie murmurs. “I guess Aunt Ari. Although Aunt Hannah is cool. She taught me how to hold a spoon on my nose.”
“A very admirable trait that is bound to come in handy one day,” Natalie teases.
“It was fun. But the questions I have …” Abbie trails off.
“What?”
“Well, it’s stuff I’d ask my mom. And it’s just weird asking them.”
“Wanna try a question out on me? Then we can see how awkward it is, and maybe pick which aunt will understand the best. I do happen to know all of your aunts.”
“Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Okay. So, like, what is the main difference between a tampon and a pad? Tampons scare me, and my friend Paige gave me one of hers last week when I got my first period, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.”
Holy shit.
She got her first period?
What the fuck do I do?
Should I go in there? Tell her she’s a beautiful growing woman, and I’m so proud of her? Ignore it and move on? Go to the store tomorrow morning and buy every fucking option of tampons and pads out there?
Why didn’t she tell me?
“You got your first period?” Natalie finally asks.
“Yeah.”
“What did your dad say?”
Abbie gasps. “I didn’t tell him. He’s my dad ! What would he know? ”
She’s right, but that still hurts. I massage a point over my heart where I imagine the invisible knife just slashed through to my insides.
“Abbie, just because he’s a guy, doesn’t mean he won’t want to know about big and monumental parts of your life. Getting your first period is a big deal, girl. I bet your dad would have immediately run out and grabbed every available product on the market. I wouldn’t put it past him not to watch YouTube videos on ways to help you from a single dad perspective. He’d never want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I guess.”
“Do you want to know what my dad did when my mom told him?” Natalie asks with a giggle.
“What?”
“He showed up at school to pick me up, and in front of all my friends, he said, ‘I hear my little girl is a woman now.’ I was completely humiliated.”
“Oh my God! I’d have to change schools,” Abbie says, laughing.
“I asked. My mom said no. She didn’t want to drive me to a different school. I have a brother, and since he plays hockey, our mom was already driving too much. She refused to allow me to move based on her carpool restrictions. I will say, though, that my first period happened twenty years ago, and social media wasn’t a thing back then. If it happened today, a video of my dad showing up would have been plastered all over the place. Then I would have died of embarrassment.”
“Someone took a picture of my butt,” Abbie blurts out.
“What?” Natalie breathes. “When? Who? Did you report it? Was this in the bathroom? That is complete bullshit! Do you want me to go to the school? I will burn that damn building down …”
Natalie’s voice grows louder as Abbie stares at her in shock. “Oh, I mean, I was wearing pants. But the blood went through? That’s what they took a picture of. And it got posted on Snapchat, I guess. I only heard about it. Dad won’t let me have Snapchat.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Natalie says, her voice quiet again. Jesus, that was intense. Her entire demeanor changed. “I’m so sorry. That’s awful. I used to wear a pad and a tampon at school, just in case. But sometimes it just happens. I hate that someone didn’t have any empathy with you.”
“Do you think —” Abbie breaks off. “Never mind.”
“Go ahead. Ask away.”
“Do you think you could show me how to use a tampon? Or maybe find a video that explains it? I tried, but it hurt, and so I stopped.”
“I can absolutely explain how to do it. It takes some getting used to, but it should never hurt. I’ll help you out anytime you need, okay?” Natalie says quietly.
“Thanks, Natalie.” Abbie stands up, then turns toward the couch. “I know it’s weird, you having a baby with my dad and all, but I’m glad you’re here.”
As Abbie skips away, I watch as Natalie leans her head back against the couch.
“I know you’re there, Alex.”
I chuckle as I walk around the couch, choosing to sit on a chair across from Natalie. Watching her interact with Abbie has thrown me for a loop. That, on top of the conversation with my mom, has my mind whirling.
“How much did you hear?” she whispers.
“Quite a bit, I’m guessing. You having a crush on me, and me only having eyes for Sara. Hannah and the spoon. Her first period, a picture of a butt, and you wanting to burn a building down. We’ll ignore the part about the tampon, because frankly that was too much for me, and double-back to the burning of the building.”
“Shit,” she hisses. Closing her eyes, she covers her face with her hands, just like in the car. “I had hoped you didn’t hear that. I’m not sure what came over me, but the thought of someone taking advantage of Abbie in such a delicate state? I was furious! Who the hell does that, Alex? Who thinks it’s okay to take such an inappropriate picture of a twelve-year-old girl and put it on the internet?”
“That’s why I won’t let her have Snapchat. But do you normally threaten to burn down buildings without knowing the whole story, or is this pregnancy hormones?”
“Hormones.” She pauses. “Actually that’s really a toss-up. Arianna’ s ex-fiancé never told her that his car got towed right after the Children’s Hospital ball, when he introduced her to his actual fiancée. Also signed him up for every inappropriate magazine I could find, and sent them to his parents’ address. Honestly, that was money well spent.”
“I’m both impressed and scared of you right now, Nat.”
“As you should be,” she says with a yawn.
“Come on, killer. I’ll show you to your room.” Arianna already texted that Natalie’s things were in my guest room, so I motion for her to follow me upstairs. “It’s not much, but it has an attached bathroom, so you’ll have some privacy.”
“It’s wonderful. Honestly, this is more than enough, Alex. God, what a day.” She sits on the bed with a long exhale, exhaustion evident on her face as she rifles through her bag. “Crap. Arianna sent me stuff that’s too small now. My stomach kinda popped this week.”
“Here, I’ll grab you one of my shirts.” I jog across the hall to my room, finding it odd how pleased I am that she’ll be sleeping in my clothes. Heading back into the guest room, I hand it to Natalie, who quickly changes in the bathroom.
“I thought the worst when I saw the blood. I’m so attached to this tater tot. I don’t know what I would do if I lost it,” she says as she steps back into the room. It’s an old Air Force t-shirt, and I’m surprised at the visceral reaction I have to seeing her wearing it. It hugs her curves perfectly, outlining her tiny baby bump, and her nipples pucker against the fabric as I unabashedly stare. Shit. I need to rein this in. Get it together, dick.
I cross the room to check the window blinds, behind thick blackout curtains. “Let’s not think negatively, okay?”
“I’ve been feeling this flutter, and I think maybe it’s him. I’ve been calling it a him more and more,” she says bashfully as she sits on the edge of the bed.
“Do you think I could feel?” I ask, immediately embarrassed. Natalie’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, that was out of line. Ignore me.”
“No, it’s totally okay. I’m not sure if you can feel the flutter, but you can try.” She moves to stretch out, resting her head on the pillows. I cautiously sit next to her, then extend to lay alongside. Resting my head in one hand, I extend another hand toward her. I hesitate, suddenly unsure of where I can touch her. Where am I allowed?
Natalie laughs as she takes my hand and pushes it into her abdomen. “Everything I’ve felt has been right here. It’s like little bubbles.”
“Can I just sit here? With my hand on your belly? If that’s okay, I mean. I’ve been a shitty baby daddy, but this is the closest I’ve been to him —” I break off abruptly, then laugh. “Now you’ve got me calling it a him, too.”
Natalie gives me a brilliant smile. “I bet Ben would be so thrilled to have a brother.”
I laugh, unaware that I’ve begun slowly stroking Natalie’s stomach through her shirt. “He’d be stoked, that’s for sure. He said he’s fine with a sister as long as she doesn’t go near his Legos.”
“Smart kid,” Natalie says, her eyes slowly drifting closed.
We don’t talk anymore, as Natalie falls asleep with my hand on her belly. I can’t seem to force myself to leave, feeling this connection to my unborn child, and to its mother, as a tethering lifeline I didn’t know I needed.
At some point I fall asleep. I wake with Natalie snuggled against me, and I try to force myself to go to my own room. But I can’t. Just another hour or two. I pull a throw blanket from the foot of the bed, covering us both. Burying my head in her hair, I fall back asleep, and it’s the best sleep I’ve gotten in months, possibly years.