Twenty-seven
Kaj barely remembered the ride back to Noah’s neighborhood. Hell, he barely remembered deciding to come here, but he was glad that at least a part of his brain was still functioning. And thank fuck Noah kept Kaj’s keys along with his own. If they’d shown up at his place in their current state, Mads would have probably been caught in a crossfire that had nothing to do with him.
Because one last battle was about to break.
Every second they’d been on the road with Noah’s arms around Kaj’s waist, his guts had twisted a little more. Every second he had to hold back from screaming his frustration out to the sky, fear cut deeper into his flesh. Every second he’d spent alone with his thoughts, pretending to be composed, Kaj could hear the beast inside of him roaring louder and louder. He couldn’t control it. It was about to explode.
When they finally reached Noah’s apartment, Kaj was shaking with the weight of everything that had been building up, coiling within him like a constrictor—tight around his lungs as he slammed the door shut behind them. Each breath of air burned. He was fucking suffocating. Not even the silence in this place could stop the fall.
With his heart thundering in his ears, Kaj yanked his jacket off, threw it on the couch, and started pacing like a trapped animal. He was furious. With himself. With Noah. With the entire fucking world.
Mimicking his sharp gesture, Noah flung the helmet with so much force it bounced off the cushions and hit the floor.
Kaj’s jaw twitched. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
“What was I thinking?” Noah took off the balaclava from the top of his head and tossed behind him along with his gloves. His hands were trembling, knuckles raw with bruises and drying blood. “That he deserved so much worse than what he got.”
Kaj rubbed his palms over his face, pulling his bottom eyelids down. “You—” His voice sounded hollow as he kept his hands over his mouth. He sucked in a deep breath, trying to contain the storm threatening to break free. “Someone could’ve seen you. You could’ve—For fuck’s sake, Jesper could have killed you!”
Noah let out a snort, and his mouth tugged up at the corner. But the smirk he offered wasn’t the sexy one Kaj liked so much. It was wicked, sinister. “That scumbag? Have you seen him? He didn’t stand a chance.”
Kaj didn’t know where all this dark confidence was coming from, and as much as a part of him was enjoying seeing it unleash, he needed Noah to understand that what he’d done wasn’t only reckless and dangerous but also stupid. He wouldn’t have forgiven himself if he got to the end, no matter how hell-bent he was about what he’d done being the only solution to their problems.
“You don’t know that!” Kaj snapped, closing the distance between them as they were standing on each side of the open space. “You don’t control everything. The ways this could have gone wrong… Fuck! Someone could’ve walked in, called the cops, hit you to make you stop. You could be sitting in the back of a fucking police car right now or fucking bleeding out in that basement!”
“But I’m not.” Noah rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck.
“That’s not the point!” Kaj’s hands curled into fists at his sides. “You scared the shit out of me, Noah! I woke up and didn’t know where you were after being all weird and broody last night. Then everything clicked, and I knew you’d come for him. I was fucking terrified! Do you get that?”
A flash of something Kaj couldn’t read crossed Noah’s eyes, and his breathing turned even more erratic. Asynchrony was probably hitting him already, dividing his mind into more pieces than he could manage. That was what happened when clarity crept in, when you had to own up to your mistakes, and admit what you’d done.
Kaj had faced this type of remorse twice in his life, but he’d been stoned both times, so his memories were all fuzzy. But he perfectly remembered the discomfort in his chest.
“He was never going to stop. I had to do something!”
“What are you talking about? The police have everything he’s been sending to you for months. It was only a matter of time.”
“Yeah, right.”
“But you fucked him up real good,” Kaj continued, ignoring Noah’s derisive tone. “There’s no hiding those cuts you carved on his legs.”
“So everyone knows what he is.”
Jesus. I’m gonna smack him. “What if he presses charges?”
“He won’t.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I don’t fucking care! He—” Noah frowned, jaw clenching and nostrils flaring. “He sent me a fucking video…”
That was what Mikkel had said, but something in Kaj’s brain refused to acknowledge what they were talking about.
“Of what he did to you.”
Until reality slapped him across the face.
So, it was true.
Jesper had filmed the abomination of what he’d done to him. And he’d sent it to Noah.
“What did you expect me to do? Sit and wait? That’s what I’ve been doing for months. But I’m done with letting him torture me, saying shit like you’ll always belong to him.”
Kaj was dizzy, red and black mixing at the corners of his eyes as bile turned into acid in his stomach. Noah had seen actual footage of Jesper raping him. He’d seen… Kaj didn’t know what he’d seen. Didn’t even want to know which part of his nightmares were physically recorded for eternity.
Keep fucking breathing.
“He probably thought I was gonna let him walk away from what he did to you unscathed. But he was wrong. I’m not the shy little boy I used to be. He just reaped what he sowed.”
Metaphors fell short of explaining the way Kaj’s viscera turned inside out, bleeding all over his memories. It hurt, but it also made him whole like nothing ever had before in his life. The way Noah welcomed all of him, opening his jaws and baring his teeth to protect him, was so primal, so brutal.
Kaj just wanted to go where nobody else would ever go. Crawl into Noah’s mind and every drop of his blood. Be one with him.
Exhaling sharply, he stepped closer to Noah until they were chest to chest and he could wrap his hand around his neck. Not to hurt. Not to restrain. But to make him listen. “And what about you? What if it’d been you who didn’t make it out alive?” he rasped.
Noah inhaled and closed his eyes, abandoning himself to Kaj’s touch. “I don’t care about that.”
Kaj’s grip tightened. “You don’t get to say that.”
As Noah opened his eyes, Kaj was plunged into a wild and achingly beautiful lagoon. “What do you want me to say? That I regret it? Because I don’t. I would repeat it a thousand times.”
Without breaking eye contact, Kaj brushed their lips together. “If I were to die, would you die with me?”
“Yes.” Noah didn’t even hesitate. “I would die for you. I would kill for you.” He clutched Kaj’s wrist with both hands, holding onto reality—onto them. “You’re my fucking everything, Kaj. Remember? Always and forever.”
Unable to contain himself, Kaj grunted. He bit Noah’s bottom lip and sucked it between his, then took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before resting his forehead against his.
“It goes both ways, you fucking idiot.” He let out a breathless, bitter laugh. “I won’t make it without you anymore. I don’t want to. If you go to jail, if you die—I’ll follow you to hell.”
Something ignited in Noah’s eyes. Something desperate and feral. Before Kaj could get another word out, Noah crashed their mouths together.
They transformed into a cloud of heat as war arose between their lips. They were all tongues and teeth. Primal urges and desire. Kaj’s grip slid from Noah’s neck to his jaw, tilting his head to angle him the way he wanted to deepen the kiss. And like a moonflower at night, Noah opened up for him.
They stumbled back, legs hitting the coffee table, knocking over something they didn’t care to acknowledge. Clothes were ripped and carelessly thrown around as they undressed their bodies and souls. Because when they were together, it wasn’t only physical pleasure they sought, but the sensation of skin on skin. A connection that went beyond human understanding and trespassed all lines of defense.
As they lay on the couch, Kaj splayed his fingers over Noah’s ass, grabbing him possessively while he grinded his hips over Kaj’s. His right hand buried into his hair, fisting and pulling while the other stroked Kaj’s chest, his abs, his right arm and leg like he was afraid he’d disappear. But that was not happening again.
Beneath the perfected masks they’d created over the years, they were a toxic bloom rooted in the tragedies that had broken them apart in the past. They were daggered thorns and poisonous leaves. They were two halves of the same entity, reuniting in a darkness so deep that societal norms blurred, leaving them alone with this raw need that forced their true nature out.
“Fuck me,” Kaj moaned, unraveling inside as the heads of their cocks rubbed against each other. “Fuck me. Mark me. Breed me. Make me yours, inside and out.”
Noah lapped Kaj’s lips, twirling his tongue over the piercing before slipping it into his mouth. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Without another word, Noah got up and disappeared down the hallway that led to his bedroom.
Kaj wanted to call after him, ask where he was going, but he was tangled up in his head and couldn’t get a word out as he stared at the ceiling.
He didn’t regret his request, but now that he was here alone, feeling cold where Noah’s hot skin was before, it made him a little self-conscious. Too aware of the electricity traveling up and down his body. The drumming of his heart. The erratic sound of his breaths. The flare of fear in the back of his mind mixing with anticipation.
What if I can’t do it?
Kaj barely had time to analyze his thoughts when Noah came back and knelt between his legs, bottle of lube in hand.
There was something in his eyes that told Kaj he was as excited and nervous as he was. But there was also determination and a love so infinite the anxiety slithering inside him evaporated.
Settling over him again, Noah grounded Kaj in the moment. Their mouths molded together, and their tongues tangled in a battle neither of them wanted to end. They’d done this a million times, but it felt different today. It was more intense and deliberate, yet it somehow reminded Kaj of the first time they’d kissed.
Kaj glided his palms over Noah’s sides, relishing in the smoothness of his skin before it turned rougher at the base of his jaw. Worshipping. Claiming. Savoring breathless groans as Noah returned the caresses, stroking invisible bruises and scars like he wasn’t afraid of the darkness they hid.
Like he wanted to erase them.
He took his time building him, slowly driving him insane as he moved lower and lower… Kaj knew Noah was enjoying torturing him like this. He saw it in the sinful glint in his eyes and that addictive lopsided grin when he looked up at him, right before unceremoniously sucking his cock into his mouth.
Noah bobbed his head up and down, dug his tongue into the slit of his cock, ran it up the underside, pressed it down on that spot that made Kaj feel like he was going to explode. After a while, when Kaj was panting like he’d just finished a marathon and Noah was satisfied with the wreckage he’d made of him, he opened wider and took him farther. He gagged momentarily and slobbered. It was so fucking hot, so messy and dirty.
Wet slurps and ragged breaths filled the room, building knots in Kaj’s core as he heard the unmistakable sound of a bottle uncapping. There was a sharp inhale as Noah let go of his dick. Cold liquid dripped over his thigh. Then Noah’s fingers started working on him, unhurriedly circling his hole.
“Fuck,” Noah whisper-growled, kissing Kaj’s knee with feral tenderness. “You’re perfect...”
Knowing they weren’t stopping there, Kaj’s mind split in half with arousal and hesitation. His heart went haywire as his grip tightened on the arm Noah was perched on. He teased and gently dipped in his fingertips, easing the tension coiling inside Kaj enough to slip a finger inside.
Kaj let out a sound that was half-moan and half-growl. Maybe it was the turmoil unraveling in his head or the emotional peak from before, but he was extremely sensitive today.
“Love the way you always react to me,” Noah husked.
His hand slid over Kaj’s abdomen, his inner thigh, and his crotch while two fingers of the other moved in and out of him relentlessly, scissoring, curling, vibrating in a way that turned him into a useless boneless thing within seconds.
Unlike the other times Kaj had been on the receiving end, Noah didn’t check with him every now and then. He didn’t ask how he was doing or if he needed him to slow down. Nothing. He just continued pushing, taking what he craved—what was his—while keeping those dark eyes heavy on him.
His lips parted, and Kaj mirrored his expression, too hypnotized to control his own body when Noah eased a third finger inside him.
“Fuck…” Kaj could feel his soul hovering above him, lost in a plane between reality and a dream.
“I can’t fucking wait to be inside you.”
Noah massaged his inner walls, skillfully applying pressure where he most needed it, increasing the rhythm as he fucked him with his fingers.
For a moment, Kaj could feel that eerie monstrosity that had been living within him for years trying to creep in. It came and went in flashes, getting closer and disappearing intermittently in time with his heartbeats. But this wasn’t the past. He wasn’t a defenseless kid anymore. If he wanted to stop this, he could stop it. He just needed to say the word.
But he didn’t want to.
Not while it was Noah kneeling in front of him, looking at him with that overwhelming blend of lust and reverence, raggedly breathing against his leg, keeping him from falling into the abyss. Every touch, every sound he made, and those lips pressed to his skin were enough to keep him anchored. Because this intoxicating atmosphere only they knew how to create was a reminder that this was different. That he was safe.
“I’m gonna fuck you, babe,” Noah panted, lifting Kaj’s right leg and draping it around his hips as he propped his left foot on the floor. “I’m gonna fuck you so good and so fucking hard, you’ll want it to go on forever.”
The head of Noah’s cock breached Kaj’s hole.
There was a tear in his mind. Being at someone’s mercy, trapped under their weight like this, was usually so triggering for him. But instead of fighting that dreadful sensation, Kaj let it sink until he couldn’t feel it anymore. Until Noah inching forward inside him took over his entire existence.
He sucked in a deep breath, hand tightening on Kaj’s hip as his arms trembled like he was holding back. But maybe he was just reveling in how Kaj opened up for him.
Their world shrank down to the cadence of their hearts. To the heat of their bodies. To the silent understanding that this moment was more than need —it was surrender.
Kaj’s fingers dug into Noah’s asscheeks when he bottomed out, eliciting a grunt out of them.
And suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore that it was too overwhelming or too intimate. Nothing mattered as the fullness and pressure in Kaj’s ass electrified the ends of his nerves, overriding the memories that viciously clawed at his mind.
“I love you so fucking much,” Noah practically growled against his lips as he tilted his hips slightly and pushed himself inside again.
“Fuuuuck!” Kaj moaned, feeling sweat break on his skin.
Noah’s mouth came crashing down, capturing his lips in a bruising kiss, and he began to fuck him with deep, languid thrusts. His hips undulated and rolled unhurriedly. The space around them pulsed. Their breaths synchronized. They licked, bit, sucked, and touched, reminding each other this was where they belonged.
Pushing himself up on his right knee, Noah grabbed Kaj’s hands and pinned them above his head, stealing yet another animalistic groan out of him as the angle changed and he sank deeper.
“Stay with me,” Noah husked, threading his fingers through Kaj’s.
Something inside Kaj cracked, and his eyes brimmed with tears. But instead of pulling out, Noah continued fucking him, pushing the limits of how much they could feel before it became too much.
Agonizingly slow strokes turned rough and fast. Manic. Hard. Kaj gasped as Noah guided him through this uncharted place where blind trust met desire, where pain and pleasure blurred, and their heartbeats warred with each other. It was as if Noah wanted to rip Kaj apart and piece him back together to sculpt something new and lined with gold. Because his wounds and imperfections were part of his history but didn’t define who he was. Because broken things could also be beautiful.
As Kaj tossed his head back, Noah licked a wet stripe from his collarbone, all over the column of his throat, and up to his jaw, then kissed him again with brutal, claiming force. They were peace for each other, but they fucked like war.
Tightening his grip on Noah’s hands, Kaj locked his legs around his waist, finding leverage to grind his hips and welcome his thrusts. The slapping sound of skin on skin filled every molecule, combusting the air around them.
He was aware that not everyone liked bottoming. That for some, the jolts of pleasure when their prostate got rubbed were so intense it became uncomfortable. And honestly, given his personal history and controlling nature, he never thought he’d enjoy it. But with Noah’s scent encapsulating him, his lips kissing away his fears, that beautiful cock inside him, and the friction of their abs rubbing his own dick, it was the most healing thing he’d ever experienced.
Pinned beneath Noah, intensity reached the summit and ecstasy swiped inside Kaj like a thousand tongues of blue fire.
His hips bucked as he shivered through a mind-shattering orgasm, back arching, cock pulsing, hole clenching around Noah’s dick as he let out a guttural moan. Noah pressed his forehead against Kaj’s, whispering words he barely understood but felt in the marrow of his bones. Words that meant devotion. That meant forever. Because it had and would always be them.
Their movements turned uneven, and after one last powerful thrust, Noah fell over the edge, a growl tearing his throat as he collapsed on top of Kaj.
Surrounded by silence only broken by their shared struggle to get oxygen into their lungs, they stayed there, tangled around each other, covered in sweat and cum as Noah’s cock slowly went limp and slipped out of Kaj’s ass.
They had done it.
Noah had fucked Kaj—figuratively and quite literally.
A few months ago, he’d hated the simple thought of being around Noah. Having him be Artificial Suicide’s new vocalist threw him off his course. He couldn’t find a reason to like this man after what all their fears and immaturity had put him through. But now that they were together, he really couldn’t imagine his life without this miracle that was their all-consuming love.
“I want you to move in with me,” Kaj said, voice so hoarse he barely recognized it himself.
Noah let out a weak snort and kissed the crook of Kaj’s neck. “I thought we were already living together, even if it was kinda against my will.”
“I had good reasons.”
“You did.”
“But I like… move in with me permanently .”
Propping on his forearms, Noah raised his head and looked Kaj in the eye. “You mean it,” he all but stated.
Kaj nodded, brushing a wet lock of hair away from Noah’s forehead. “We’re not kids anymore, you already have my keys, and we’re so good together…” Kaj’s gaze shifted between Noah’s eyes. They weren’t really pitch black, more like an extremely dark, mud-oak type of brown with a deep auburn undertone that glowed when the light streamed directly into them. So beautiful, and real, and alive. “Besides, your contract ends in what, two months? Why keep paying rent when you could live with me for free?”
“I’m sure you’d make me pay with my body or something.” Noah grinned.
“Still a good deal.”
Noah chuckled. “Are you sure? I mean… We’ve been together, or tangled around each other—whatever—for barely… three months?”
“If you don’t want to, just say so.” Kaj pinched Noah’s asscheek, pretending he didn’t care, but he did.
He wasn’t used to being romantic or honest about these types of feelings. That was why he’d thrown the pragmatic reasons to move in together out there, too, but he just didn’t want to let Noah out of his sight ever again. And that he wasn’t as into the idea as Kaj was kind of… hurt.
“I’d love to!” Noah laughed, the sound slipping under Kaj’s skin like a balm. “I just want to make sure you’re not rushing things because you’re high on endorphins and dopamine.”
“I’m not.” Kaj bit Noah’s bottom lip and tugged, making him whimper. “It might have been three months this time around, but in the span of the last twelve years, I’d say the sum of the total is about… two years. And honestly, I think that’s more than enough time.”
Noah smiled that wide, genuine smile that always made Kaj feel like his heart was about to burst through his ribs.
“Then, please, make room for me at your place.”
“Ours.”
“ Ours ,” Noah whispered before kissing Kaj. “I love you.”
Kaj nuzzled Noah’s nose. “Always and forever.”